harder than I thought

After meeting up with a new friend recently...i learnt something about myself..

1) no matter how some may see intimacy as a common thing to share with others, I stand by the belief that it is only best shared with the one I love who loves me... only then would it be the sweetest. I dont see the pleasure in casual encounters... No amount of touch or deep stares or whispered words into my ears... would be able to make me forget the kind of feeling that I really want...

2) That the only way to my heart, was through honesty and humour.

No other way...

During that meet up, facing this new person, I couldnt help but think of my ex and the guy that I like... That the kind of satisfaction that I got from loving and being loved but either of these 2 guys, was way past anything that this new person would ever be able to give..through whichever method he tried...

The initial idea of turning away from these 2 amazing people that I love and finding another person for me... turned into a horrorendous episode that made me think of them even more. because I know/knew that at any point of time that I had them in my life. Whether they love me or not, that it was way more meaningful than this ridiculous episode that I got myself into.

Before I scare anyone, I am safe. Nothing bad happened. Only stuff that made me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable....

For the first time i realized just how strong i felt or still feel abt the relationship that I have for either of these 2 people that..kept me from straying into something I know Id regret...

I know am left to wonder..if it is never meant to be for me and either of these 2, then who would it be? The 3rd person who is actually able to penetrate into this tough fortress of mine... with his character, dreams, beliefs, humour... and whether Id ever get to find another person aside from the 2 that I found and lost...

Honestly, at the end of the meetup, the first 2 people that I wanted to contact, were either of the 2 guys that I love. But somehow I feel that either of them would probably berate me for being stupid enough to get myself into that predicament... Yet a small evil bit of me wonders if telling them would make them feel concerned for me... stand up for me, be angry at the guy for me, basically..feel for me... How foolish can I be at such an adult age...

But I've made my peace with this issue...it's taught me about myself... and about what was in my heart...
I made have retreated for now...but I guess, the only way to move forward, is to do so with greater caution and a keener eye...
Most importantly, I will try to out my trust in God... not myself anymore..