part 2

so Im at cityhall now, blogging at MIX. Cool Shit! Im loving this place!

Went to church this morning, went to jalan, went to St Andrews Cathedral to pick red seeds (whatchama call em) Bumped into my ex neighbours and my bro bumped into his "old fren"
Fact while I blog, they're chatting Hahahah I know my limits to stay away whiule they talk. Give them quality time man!
God, you are soooooo good! Master of Time Management!

Want to talk about part 2 of my recent weeks....fear that I wont be able to finish leh...how?!?!?!

Anyway..yah I just finished another performance last night for my school's staff DnD. Our performance was good! I can feel it when we did good. :P
Dressed up as an indian for the DnD..the theme of our table and with my little subtle indian stuff, I became Afghan girl. Had I had eyeliner, I would have done a better job.

Jimmy, our musical director was especially suave that day and I was in awe of him. In fact I am constantly in awe of him! If he was alot younger, I wud have a huge crush on him hahahahha but as when I was in pri sch, He was already working. Thats how old he is. I salute Jimmy!!! You Go Man!!

The other huge events in my life...finally spoke to my ex. We havnt spoken since the last confrontation. By speaking..I mean..really speaking...heart to heart...
Im very amazed at myself that I didnt cry....
He's lefdt for UK and Im happy for him...Im happy that we couldnt be in different countries to not get entangled with each other..no more bumping into him in parties...but I also miss his company. How do I even explain this?!?!?! have you had this kind of feeling?
The amazing thing abt the 2 of us is that regardless of the time gap and the difficulties between each other, we could still talk if we wanted to. The prob with us was that we had things we wanted to say but couldnt tell each other. And that blocked us from saying anythingelse...or rather..maybe thats only me. But Im glad I got to chat with him for a record time of 1hr...serious, no mincing words talk..talk fromt he bottom of the heart up, talk that includes all sensitive material that I shouldnt have told him...I poured out everything without pouring out any tears...I cant tell you much as I wanted to ..on what I said. You'd have to dig into my brain. Not that I dont want to tell you...I just dont know how to. Maybe if I made a movie....
At the end of it all, I told him something that I have kept in me for the longest time...something I really wanted him to know......that no matter what happened and what will happen, I still loved him. Not that Ive never tried to forget him and call me weak if you want to coz I dont care...Everytime I try to forget him, God has plans otherwise.
For the past few days, Ive had very funny incidents around me......My bro meeting his old fren, right here waiting playing everywhere, even on my boss's hp (its a guy who normally has James Bond theme as his ringtone, so why would he have right here waiting?!?!) My ex's tamil show playing on Vasantham, The Guru theme song playing at DnD (the song we danced to in our Dimsum Masala play), The sermon today.....

I know that Im an idiot thinking that all these things are signs...even my ex doesnt believe it....although....He used to.....maybe both of us have just decided to disregard God's signs and think of em as coincidences or accidents....then why do they all happen at the same time? Why?
Im not torturing myself by thinking like this again...thats why Im glad that He's gone and that Ive told him all I wanted to say...

I did tell him clearly...that I believe that God has plans for us....and some day...we will get back together...our existing strong bond is proof. Whoelse do I know can I talk to like that? Someone whom I never sensor my feelings...never keep things in me? Ive always had discussions with him and not arguements....Thats why I believe that we still have hope and I wanted him to know that I believe that. And Im waiting not coz I want to...but God wants me to...It may sound stupid to even the strongest believers....but I know and I believe...If God be with me, who can be against me?

For the split second that I subconsciously called him, "B", he still answered......

I cried coz I felt like a fool believeing in something that I cant show to any1...I feel silly thinking that it will work and feel embarassed that my sheer belief is not trusted by others...I know I come across as a silly girl again....and thats why I keep all this to myself... the only one I can speak to abt this...is him and God.

"I dont know why Im not giving up on us...I just dont know...all I know is that God has never given up on reminding me that we had something and seems to show me that We will have something. He is making me wait. If eventually nothing happens then Im int he wrong for misinterpretating His signs...but till then....I will still wait. Not coz I want to...but coz He wants me to. And its not up to you to tell me whether to wait or give up...coz its His."

Father....I can wait coz you let me...coz you make me wait and you provide me witht he energy and courage to wait. if it isnt for ur support, id be waiting in tears but Im not. Father...thank you sooo much for letting me pluck up courage to say everything...Ive held it in me tooo long...Thank you for letting me let go of all my thoughts inside.....thanks also for letting my bro meet his old fren again.

B, Im happy you're gone...it gives us both time to think of our own lives....but I still believe that we have something...I still do...the confidence in us that I never had....is now ironically stronger than ever. I believe for us, in us. no matter how..even if things dont work...you are my best best best bro...I still sayang u as a bro.....but till the time you find someoneelse and get married...I will still have hope if God makes me. Yet....REGARDLESS of all, I still love you B.

God Bless....