Monday again.

Joined ISC at rollerblading...I know that such a diverse club really needs to have more chances to bond and bond we did.

Poor chetan for falling on everything he tried on. even tripping while walking. Geez dude! And Marchia and Yadana for taking on rollerblading and still carrying on despite being sooo tired...

While we only had 8 pple, it was still fun. nice group to just bond in. Had photos taken etc...waited up for the juniors. etc.

Had problems w the slopes so naru-zhuang was there to be my brakes. and kelvin for letting me hold on while he cycled..so I can just blade along. Heheh

My butt hurts now (not as painful as chetan's or Yadana's) and my legs really ache. Yah Ning never exercise much..I know! hahaha

Anyway morning was okay until I stepped into comperes clubhouse and realized just how much rubbish is around the room. There were threads, strips of clothe (usuable and unusuable) all over hte place. The carpet had all sorts of thread stuck to it. The rubbish bin was full (and it has never been empty) and there was a tin of biscuits in the clubhouse which I specifically said not to bring in!

Once again, Im pissed...but I'm trying not to blow my top coz youth being what they are now...most prob cant take pressure. Unfortunately...I keep thinking back abt why its so different last time and now...
And I hate myself evn more for not keeping things in place...

Haiz.....times are changing. Maybe if I wasnt an alumni, Id have given up on the club a long time ago man. I know Alia is still stuck on this and thats great. But I also believe 1 can only take sooo much of changes to feel exasperated...

Oh well..back to work...no point maybe I'll just wait for them to wake up and realize how much they've missed.

God Bless

Well deserved Friday...

Met ISC for 2012, had dinner w them and alumni and met bros for walla walla.

To be honest, 2012 is a cool movie if you only look at the effects. But the meaning behind it is infectious as well. saying that the world will end...is very very scary. imagine everyone in t he world running for cover. Of course all hollywood movie shows the silver lining of the dark clouds so not everybody dies but the magnitude of pple who die!
And seeing famous national strutures crumbling down etc..is a very scary scene...
I cant say more coz some of you havnt watched it. I didnt really cry for this movie. Tear? Yes but no crying..no streams. Me being a christian, I know that when its the end of the world, we dont have people surviving but if I was in this situation....Id hope that everyone I knew would be alive. Id hope that I would see the day that men fight and claw each other to survive.
Got out of the cinema and told the bunch of ISC peeps, "If this happens, we better all be on the same ship."

Had alumni come over. My goal was to push the juniors and alumni together...let them mix abit. And it sorta worked. Slowly I guess...It helps to know that Alvin and Juwy and Liang etc do want to know the juniors.

Then the day ended off well with ian, stephen, YQ, aaron and I at walla walla. EIC was playing and this is one of the bands that we all agree on. of course I have no music tech knowledge unlike my bros but I do enjoy live music. We all had fun. Funny how simple music like that cud make us all "head bang" to it. EIC is fantastically good and Kudos to the replacement drummer for that day. As Ian and stephen marvelled, the guy smoked his way through the entire 3 sets. And if Ian adn stephen can be impressed, Im sure that good enough credits tot he drummer. After all, these 2 bros of mine are not excellent at their craft but they know skill when they see it.

Like I said, this week hasnt been fantstic...but I know God is looking after me and will get me through. I need His wisdom to handle everything that is pouring in.
I also thank Him for putting in my life, every single person I know. the heartbreakers, the tear jerkers, the fun lovers...every single one..because without any of them my life would be different.
Special thanks to my bros who went walla walla. Because being with them is always refreshing and it always makes me feel like Im home, taking me away from the rest of my life.

Sad things to say for a christian. I know all this is me speaking out of my own limitations..and wallowing in self pity I guess..without considering my God who ever wants to help me. So this is truly the lst time I will mention abt this. Cause I do want to make a conscious effort to look to God for this. I know He will..its whether I will let Him. And so I go. :)

I came out of hte cinema yesterday, telling God that if the world were to end, I wanted all whom I know, to be saved.

God Bless

Tired...very tired....SP STar is over!

this week has been an excruciating PITA.nBefore u read anything else...I know Im perpetually depressed but I dont need counselling. I just need to vent.

I feel like shit now for various reasons. 1 of which is SP Star. The event went quite okay..but by my expectations...not well enough.

I dont know how to explain. or rather that I do know but...Ive killed too many spirits that Ive lost mine...

Since tuesday, my mood has been in the dumps. I sorta feel abit like when I broke up w someone and I get into occassional tearing spells. Just today, during rehearsal..I decided that I really cudnt take it..I excused myself abruptly and went off tot he toilet...The moment I let myself think abt it..Id tear..which is such a loser thing because Im not crying for a person...Im crying for a club.

Im lost at what to do...Im really at my wits end and Im ready to throw in the towel....Im actually contemplating on giving up Comperes...Nobody realizes that while students have these occassional motivations to quit a club...so does an officer. And I believe that Id rather quit looking after this club...then see it suffer. I mean who knows, it could work a whole lot better without me! It wouldnt have to be run the way it was run. They can do what they want...and if thye sink..it wouldnt be my problem....but Id still tear..
Im not saying this because I know at least 1 of my students reads this...but because the spirit of the club is already as such and I cant bear to see it spiralling down...

I dont want it to end on my watch but...I dont want to see it fall at all. if It has to fall, Id rather not be in it and part of it....

As it is..everything I have done for and in the club...was for the club's good. I think I didnt do it in the right way though and the right time...

As for SP Star, it did okay. The reviews was okay. I wasnt tooo happy abt it coz I know what was went wrong. I know I might be abit to harsh to my students, demanding that we dont just do it "okay" but we do it well and to the best we can...and thats why I wasnt smiling..nor was I looking at anyone's faces as I left...

After what happened on tuesday, I was not emotionally ready for this event. We had slipshot rehearsals, rehearsals that not all 3 of us were concentrating on. Thats why I had to walk out...coz I cudnt take the nonsense anymore.

Things we cud have done better....lucky draw, announcing of judges, front entry item...

I dont know....Im hoping that I cud take a break from all this since comperes isnt doing much training after this.


God Bless

Fav song now

What I've Done lyrics


In this farewell

There’s no blood

There’s no Alibi

‘Cause I’ve Drawn Regret

From the truth

Of a Thousand Lies



[Pre-Chorus]

So let Mercy Come

And Wash Away


[Chorus]

what i`ve Done

I've faced myself

To Cross out what I’ve Become

Erase Myself

And let Go of What I’ve done



Put to rest

What you Thought of Me

While I clean this Slate

With the Hands of Uncertainty

[Pre-Chorus]

[Chorus]

For What I’ve Done

I start again

And whatever pain may come

Today this ends

I’m Forgiving What I’ve Done

[Chorus]

What I’ve Done

Forgiving What I’ve Done

Random rambles

I can bark till the moon comes home,
I'll swim to ends deep and not know that Im gone
Maybe things can be misled, bent, knitted into tiny bits of shadows
Silken slicks of darkness placed under happy thoughts
polished to a T and cut down to an O
Meshed together to form a NO

Simmering oil on honey moonshine
popping pills to bring happy thoughts to a stop
backdraft & wind speed and horse shoes and lady fingers...

(end)

So yesterday was an ubber bad day. In a fell swoop I made 8 pple cry...
Im not proud of this. I had to do what I knew had to be done....
But its not over yet coz I fear its only the start of worse things...

In fact after 1 night...Ive become numb and expressionless.
Not befitting of a mature christian working class woman but I do wallow in my sorrow abit.

Call it denial then. Call it ignorance..Call it shunning..call it anythign u want but dont call it pleasure...

God Bless

I dont wail, I clinch my fist, grit my teeth, close my eyes and let my tears flow

In total, 5 of us cried today...with sheer helplessness and frustration.

Throughout all this, I felt the most failure and pain...Not because of what others did..but what I feel I have caused...

I know Im not good at this..and everytime I go home and think abt how I didnt put God into myy thoughts as I deal these situations..I feel like I fell short of hte mark. Im not upset coz I didnt hink of God, Im upset coz if I had God in my thoughts, Id have made use of His blessings to me..to make right this situation.
After all, with Him I can do more stuff.

As Cal says, (just called her) If she were in my situation..shed pound them herself. And that the task that God gives me to handle...will never be to heavy for me. Point is I dont think things that way..thats why I give up easily.

Im starting to think that youth these days take soo many things for granted.. I dont see how bright the future of the youths will be...its sad...

Anyway..I dont need comforting...I just wished the people who need to hear this...get the msg and change..coz I think im gonna be forced to make changes too...

God Bless

Officially pissed

This is generalizing but Im pissed with how things are going in my clubs that I dont know what to do but sorta wished I wasnt there to see its destruction.

To me its like having a pet but not being ready to take care of it...such committement is horrendous..

I regret some of my actions because if I had done somethings...I wudnt be having this problem....

Maybe next time its a good idea to go small and steady then big and unruly.

Dont you know how precious what you have is? If you let it go...you wont have a chance to get it back anymore.
Id gladly do all that you don't want because I know how much it means to me. But I dont know how much it means to you. I dont know how much everything means to you. Its gonna be sad if and when u realize how much you;ve missed. Like me, you will wish u could turn back time...

Long evening...

For the 1st time in ISC history (since Ive been there) We had our 1st very serious talk. Maybe others beg to differ but this is the maddest I have been since my work w ISC....I was soo upset I was ready to go into eh meeting shouting. I was even ready to storm out of hte clubhouse...

Escapade is over and Im glad. Not because it was good or bad...but because it was occupying my mind so much. Im more glad that this problem only surfaced after Escapade. Yes it started long time ago and boiled up to 100'C only recently...but still...think God has a timing.

Had I done anything drastic earlier..the source of the problem wouldnt have reconciled in its own time..

By hte end of yesterday, I was tired...from Escapade...from worrying and from solving.

I said my share and I made my point clear....When anyone in the club would take things personally....I am the only one who's been around longer than any of them to actually take things personally. If anyone were to take this whole mess personally...its me.

Anyone who manages to bring ISC down....is tearing down everything any of its past presidents and members have been working for! What has taken soooo hard to build...is now being torn down because of a small issue.

Anyway by the end of the day, the problem was resolved. At least I hope so. I warned them abt the next batch and I stated the challenges ahead. The Yr3s and Yr2s talked certain things out etc

Hope this thing doesnt happen again...

I pray God's wisdom will be on me to advise them appropriately.

My own compereing reflections...

As they say..if you want people to do stuff, you gotta do the same things yourself.

So here I am reflecting on my Escapade hosting stint.

14 Nov
I'll be honest and say I was scared!!! I have never done an event for close to a year! everytime I seea good compere, I sorta think in my head," what would I have done if I had hte same situation" & "Why didnt I think of that?!?" And I get soo impressed with some comperes that I feel totally shitty abt myself. That's why I was sooooo scared when I saw Justin M host!!! He's bloody good!!!
He's fast thinking....Im slow...

So Sat, Justin came in with his bag of jokes and he was good! he made everybody laugh!!! He's effectively multilingual to the point of Hokkien, English, Chinese, Cantonese, Malay....I mean..SHIT!!!

So anyway..he got the crowd sooo high that I was cracking my brain on how to carry it over....
I didnt bother with long talks..and just kept introduing the next item because I didnt wanna bring the mood down w words. Let the performances keep it up.

Besides...despite the fact that we were running out of time, I actually felt that time was on my side. gave me an excuse to cut my words off. I just put in as high energied as I could, passed ont he baton around until the last bit.

The audience was excellent and I was so humbled by it. I was energized by the audience.
They looked like they listened to me...when I asked questions, they answered. They followed instructions etc.

Im glad I included the point abt challenging yourself to stay awake. So they we put them in the frame of mind to stay awake through the thing. That way when I see them the next day, I'd have a linkage there and hence have the excuse to make more noise in the morning. Im also glad I drew power from the participant. Im glad I could move on & off stage

Bad Points:
- I wish I had the power of impromtu ness like Justin
- Wish I had my makeup on coz I bet i looked horrible
- no preparation for script except the siren announcement
- lack of multilingistic skills limits my range and surprise power.

Thankfully Justin completed his games esgment before he went off coz I had no games prepared. If i had tot ake over the games..Id be SCREWED!!! With my lack of preparation...theres no way I cud have saved myself from silence.

15 nov morning
- Too tired...didnt wanna drink coffee
- Muttering words...
- Probably looked very bored because I was soo tired..
- Had technical problems because we didnt check stuff out w the organisor.
- lastly...I spoke too much. I spoke over my emcee...
- my script was lastminute hence on rough paper..

All silly problems that I wished we could have settled before going onstage. I know I pretty much committed alot of emceeing sins..same ones my students committed.

But I at least did things without looking at my script much and I put in my entire energy in it. With the reaction and response of the crowd, I didnt force them overboard on replying to me..and I walked around the crowds to get closer to the audience instead. Im glad I did that...

So all in all. Im okay wm my performance. Wished I could have done thigns better but that will have to be for another event.

Ning

Im sorry...

You ever felt like u wanted to say sorry and you had a lready said alot of sorries but the sorries some how cudnt make up for the amount of apology in your heart?

Yap...

Aside from that, ISC has been really busy. *pat on back* to all the yr2s who have been cracking heads and pulling together to do the LTC. I can see hte effort of most of them. :) We shall see how thigns go next next week when they execute it. Jia Yo!!!!

Comperes training has become more regular. *big hugs* to the seniors who are doing it despite how the juniors think alot fot eh training is redundant. Its my fault for making you guys turn you into nasty bitches and do things that you;re not happy to do.


Yes I have learnt the lesson that nothing is peachy. Not even a small club. Im ready to give in and alot of the seniors are ready to give in.....its easier that way isnt it?

Got 2 events back to back this week. 14Nov afternoon and 15 Nov 3am in the morning...I havnt done events in a long time and I AM NERVOUS...

Everything pple have said abt me being a good compere...is...in my opinon...rubbish coz everyone who comments on my event...is biased... Funny how that sounds like a junior I know.


My mum is in Israel. Im claiming her conversion and I hope she gets the experience of being baptised in the Dead Sea. Hope they have fun and get me the prayer shawl and Matzah bread I requested. :) No Im not being religious. Its a momento for me.

Dad's the only one at home and so as u can now tell..Im not at home. :/

Anyway..Im just rambling now coz alot have been saying that my entries are depressing. Haha there is a theory of people being so depressed that they're so used to it that they dont seem depressed
I finally conclude that I might be like that. So while I check it up..I can confirm just yet.

But I'll be honest and say that my blog is meant more for an expression of myself...not for entertainment value.

Gotta go. shoulders aching. Time to go home before I get sleepy

God Bless