Gong Gong

Thought of my grandfather today during rehearsals and felt like tearing.
Not gonna be able to visit him when I get back this time round. Wanna visit him... visit mama and visit Ma ma.

We spoke about being remembered today. And that made me recall how I wanted to record my maid's voice before she left... Miss her too.

Wish I knew where she lived...wish I knew where she is now. how she's living. She would be upset to know that my grandma has passed away....

Miss them...

Words to the would be...

Sitting in the rehearsal room alone. It refreshing, opposed to a whole bunch of chattering  TPs in the room. Playing Adele's Turning Tables.

Felt the need to write you a letter but that would be weird because I don't even know who you are. hahaha

But I already expect that byt eh time we do meet, there would be much much to say about ourselves. It would feel like we have known each other since the beginning and after such a long time away from each other, it would be only natural that we recount to each other what we've missed out in each other's lives.

Of course, I'll leave out the bits about other guys in my life. Ive learnt the hard way that such information could hurt what we would have between us.

At a time like this, I do miss you. Where are you now? with another girl? overseas?

I keep reminding myself that the reason why we havnt met is because we are not ready for each other yet. Yap. we both need abit of prepping, training and stuff that would make us right for each other. No I dont expect you to be perfect, and I hope you dont expect me too. Because I cant...

I thought of this a few days ago...about how when u do come into my life, there would be many precious people that I will have to introduce you to. They are all people I hold dear to my heart but remember that of all the people I know, I love you the most. Right after Jesus Christ. :)

I sorta hope you'd be willing to join me in my happiness when Im with the students..but that would be a qn for another time. It would be awesome though.

I guess on hindsight, Im glad I dont have you now. Imagine how terrible it could be to have a distance relationship! I used to think that distance relationships arent a problem if 2 people love each other alot..but I realize that maybe hte more 2 people love each other in a distance relationship, the harder it gets. because it hurts longer and the loneliness is lonelier just as the darkness gets darker...

But of course thats my brain speaking. my heart often disagrees.

I do miss you... would be good to go home to see you there. And us just curling up ont he sofa, watching mindless tv. :)

Long chats

Had a llloonnnggg chat with Sonal. About our past relationships. Reminded me of how happy I was before.

Despite how Im not in it now, the memories were still golden. I still smiled and laughed at them.

While a part of me missed him still, at hte same time very sure that nothing could be done to rewind time, I actually was more happy than sad that I had those memories.

Im not sure whether i miss him and still love him..or whether I just miss having someone...

And Im sorry to keep talking abt this in all my entries so far. Maybe it is because I am in a foreign country and Im alone...

The long chat we had was a very fruitful one. Both of us with our pasts yet agreeing on so many principles and thoughts and ideas...

OH well...they always say that time will heal all things. Im gonna be naive and believe that is still so. :)

God Bless

itchy hand lah u!

Before I delve into my intended entry, Just wanna say that Im glad that Im in the production Im in now. It isnt just that it's logistically easier...its also coz hte people Im working with are hte loveliest bunch of people.

I cant help but wanna give them hugs! They bring a smile to my face.

Anyway was on facebook today and very much excited to catch up w family and friends in 2 weeks time.
I guess i communicated with a certain person whom I probabaly shud never have communicated with ever again. which in itself is also a pity..that person is a good person.

Except that, by doing so, Im causing myself more trouble.

itchy hand lor! type the msg some more lor. kaypoh lor! Ning ning ning....whatever will we do about you. You got yourself from all that shit and now u happily dug a hole for yourself again. why not jump in and start piling mud on yourself now.

Sigh

Gonna drown my sorrow in bubble tea...

GOd Bless

notes to self for intl students

Walking home has always been a reflecting time for me.

This time, i reflected on my journey as an intl student.

I realize that myself as an intl student, hasn't been smooth.

I found myself thinking that people werent as friendly with me because I was asian/chinese.

Alot of people thought I was from China...


I guess after that entire experieince, there are somethings I want to say to the intl students in singapore

1)  That Singaporeans or others may seem unapproachable..butu as an individual need to approach them because they are very comfortable in their comfort zones and they wouldnt apparoach u unless they need to if you dont.
2)  That language is an issue but it must not stop you from learning to communicate with them.
3)  Dont see yourself as an outsider but an ambassador for your country. Educating them on your country, reducing as many blind F's as possible.
4)  Dnt settle for "Im fine" tell them more, care for them too

God Bless

one of those days

Maybe its the production Im in taht is making me think back on certain thing. :/

I read back on some  blog entries ad I realize how happy I used to be hahaha. Emm it is a blatant sign that I havnt been myself.

AnywayIve blogged so much lesser because there hasnt been much to blog..considering how I know my blog entries are probably monitored by peoplle from my school. both ing SG and SYD.

Today I managed to leave school earlier. It was an awesome rehearsal and Im am still in soo much  awe of those I work with!

Havnt gotten in touch with alot of my SG friends in a long time. Most of it on facebook obviously..but that just makes me wanna go back and hang with them. one message isnt as good if one has to wait an entire day for a reply!

Went home straight after school. contemplated going out or staying out but didnt have the mood to do so. Even listening to music wasnt fun... its like nothing was worth doing in my time that I end up on the sofa doing nothing. THATS BAD!!!

Part of me wants to write a new song but I dnt have a muse..no inspiration...

SIGHHH

I could keep thinking abt wht I need to bring to SG or bring back from SG or do in SG but thats making hte rest of hte days in SYD agonizing.

So now ive taken to listening to Take That on mp laptop..pphhffff

even going to the cityis boring!

okay I shall stop boring those who actually do read this...not that Ive thought of something else to do...Im just gonna try again...

God Bless

reminded of you...

So I bumped into another junior yesterday. its amazing to meet people I knew, in Sydney. This time, I met a junior from SP who quite insensibly reminded me of my ex boyfriend.

Also, during today's rehearsals, I was reminded of him too.

Which isnt a big deal..its just....sigh...

I know this isnt a relapse. Because it feels different.

However, it does remind me of how I don't have someone to share life with. The someone who is a best friend and a lover at hte same time...thats what I miss  the most. And because this particular person is the one whom I thought I could have that with, whenever I feel like I need that, my mind automoatically thinks of a solution. In this case..this automatic solution is him...because he was the last source of it...was being hte key word.

In the worst times...I wonder of I actually do miss him...or i miss the feeling of completeness.... Theres a difference...missing him means the only way to solve it is to get him back. Missing the feeling of completeness means it can be solved if I am able to find another person to share life with.

So thats why its abit of a siigghhhh

Right now, im happy with my production, I feel like its a family gathering in the rehearsal room and I do love it. Unlike hte previous production which made me feel more...judged.

december is coming and i wanna go home. I wanna see people whom I love..I wanna tell them about whats been happening in Sydney. I wanna sit and slack with them and enjoy the sun at a cafe.. starng into space...enjoying the time that plies away without words or activities even...but still feeling fruitful. :) Thats also what I miss.

I feel like a trip to the Esplanade to enjoy the breeze, and hopefully writing a song...something I havnt done for a long time...

I guess the question of what I really miss...will only be answered when I see the solution....

God Bless

Writings on anything

Maybe this production Im now in has awaken a something in me that feels like I havnt reached hte depths of my emotions. Unlike my peers int eh production, I feel like I have had the least emotional life. By that I mean...my life has been majorly stable that I didnt have to suffer certain emotions.

I dont know whether to count this as a blessing or a loss.

Whatever it is, I feel myself opening up to alot more things now than before.

I remember writing songs because i felt that i had something to say but since goodness knows when, that urge left...

I remember a time when I needed to blog or write a diary entry but not because i had something to say but because i had to say something..anything to feel better...or to sort out my identity...as if writing the thoughts down would help me sort out my own identity...

maybe this is what the production is meant to bring for me...

God bless

Homosexuality

I sense raised eyebrows... No Im not homosexual.

On the contrary, I realized that I have come across quite a few homosexual people in my life. some of whom I do care for in a sibling sort of way.

Especially since coming to Sydney, I've gotten to know more homosexuals and it's like a window into a new part of the world.

This new world is actually as sensitive and as compassionate as those of people who are straight.

Alot of the homosexuals I've come to love are really nice people!
While I know that I do not orientate towards that way, I have respect for them and I also realized that most of them are fantabulously artistic and smart and ingenius intellects. I truly respect them for that.

I really wanted to say this because I see in them sooo much and I realize how little of them I know. Especially very few who are openly homosexual. And because they are so open, it also means they put their real selves up front so quickly that it humbles me. For me to be included into the knowledge of this identity that they readily give...

God Bless

Been such a long time since I blogged...

So today is a rainy day...for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed walking in the drizzle. To be fair, if I didn't I wouldnt ever get home...

Didnt have a proper dinner either because Nothing was thawed and I didnt wanna eat rice with japanese rice seasoning flakes stuff only.

Made barley and beancurd dessert in the weekend.
Had awesome salmon, avocado and lettuce wrap for lunch these 2 days.

I think Im still recovering from the previous production.... thats really bad because I shudnt have to be affected so much.

Anyway its another month before I return to Singapore. Can't wait! Cant wait to meet with friends and family and students!

So many meetups this round!

I've got a section of my room dedicated for photos. Photos of all those whom I love and whom love me. And everytime I look at them, I get reminded that I am loved and that I am more than just a simple person because of all these people whom I mean something to....

And its this knowledge that i know I can do what I have to do. sometimes it gets harder than usual..but it still helps me trod on...

which reminds me that I need to take photos of my friends here. we need a group pic! without them, life would be sooooo much harder...

I realize that Ive had such a long period of thikning about myself and how things are going for myself that Ive become like any other working person who sits head down in the bus...or train. not looking up.

Thats why the last weekend and the wekend before that, I felt soooo refreshed after going around taking photos of random stuff...random signs, random unnoticed things, I kept my head up on bus and train rides and observed the sky, the scenery, the people, small things even!

The few songs that Ive discoverd since coming to Aus:
Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand
Maisey Rika - Reconnect
Gotye - Somebody I used to know
Kimbra - Settle down
Adele - Rolling In The Deep & Someone Like You
Maverick Sabre - I need
500 days of summer OST - All is love
BOB - Airplanes
Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song
Dev - Bass down low & In the dark
Jessie J - Pricetag
Ellie Goulding - Lights
Erik Hassle - Hurtful
Katy B - Katy on a mission
Tony Bennet & Lady gaga - The Lady's a tramp
and other bollywood/indian songs...

I think im ranting nonsense...they dnt link. But I feel like I have to write these things...

Maybe things will make more sense when I do get down to really writing something hahaha

God Bless