This week will be smooth! I claim it dangit!

Got essay due next monday and Im gonna give it my best shot dangit! Im also not gonna get stressed dangit!

RRAAWWRRR!

Yes I guess a few people are worried about me and my depressing moods int eh past 1.5years but dont worry. God is with me. When Im depressed, its because I havnt been speaking to Him using His blessings for me etc.

And besides, Ive had the lowest level of depression I could ever have and that is as low as I am willing to go so I wont ever let myself go down there again. :)

Other than that, I swear I have no life because my weekends are boring. Ive only just taken up dancing again. Not to mention wanting to sing again...but havnt got down to looking for a singing coach. That and its blooddyyy expensive can.

I admit I do miss Singapore and I miss everyone there but Im gonna keep chugging on to finish my NIDA years

I dont know if I could ever come to a point where I would wanna stay in Aus. Which is good for those who are depending on me to go back to SG, but honestly still seems like it isnt an issue.

Anyway was looking at photos today of those i love in SG and its reminding me of who I really am. Whot eh real Ning is. This will always serve as a reminder to me of what my potential is. I will do it!

Pfftt essay shmaasssay! I can do this shizz!  GGGRRRRRR!!!!

God Bless

Done & dusted

Triple J project done and dusted. Relieved and yes I did have fun at times.

The week days ended with a good bible study session. I guess the spiritual thirst I have suffered from for the past 1.5years made me feel the need to do bible study. Daniel.

Weirdly enough, I feel like I could feel comfortable amongst this group of singaporeans and malaysians etc. Maybe all in all, I still feel comfortable with singaporeans..maybe..or maybe God's is giving me the peace to speak and make friends. Or even that everyone seems to be very forthcoming :)

the main topic for this entry is more about todays sermon.
I guess admittedly, today's sermon was abit hard to digest but after speaking to Tracy(another church mate) I felt God's love and that simple revelation was enough to make me feel happy and slightly speechless. Even Tracy had no words to describe the simple happiness. coz theres nothing that needs to be said but "yup" and smile at each other.

Without that conversation between Tracy and I, the sermon would have been full of condemnation and it would change my impression of the church. Obviously Im still trying to get a feel of which way the church swings...

Hosea 4&5 was a chapter of God's wrath on the Children of Israel who abandoned God. It is scary to see God's wrath because it feels like GOd threw them out to destruction. But what wasn't mentioned and should have been mentioned during the sermon was how this wrath was in the old testament, before jesus came and saved the children of israel and took the wrath upon himself. voluntarily.

Only after that talk did it make sense of the entirety of the purpose of those 2 chapters. its not only to remind us of how God is righteous and hates sin, but also how much love Jesus has for us and God has for us that He sent His son to take on all that wrath.

It almost seems like me typing this out, doesn't justify the revelation. But when we first had the revelation and reminder, both of us smiled and couldn't utter anything else but "yeah" we sat there witht her revelation sinking into our hearts and for 2 seconds, it was quiet between us.

Anyway the next week is not gonna be as stressful as the past but I still have the essay to finish which I sort of fear. So as i do my research, I will cast my fears upon God and cast my thought process for this easy on God too. :)

God Bless

first day in a new church

So I went to church today..after a long while. felt drier not eh inside and knew i needed to renew my love for God or needed to be reminded of God's love. Without Him I know I can't survive emotionally

Its was interesting walking into a lecture theatre church witht eh entire congregation made up of really young singaporeans and malaysians.

Somehow "In Christ Alone" was picked as one of the worship songs and I almost felt in me that God was acknowledging that I was back and this song was perfect for me to declare my renewed love and confidence to Him.

The sermon was interesting and expounding on it made me recognise how much love He has for us.

Im gonna hold on to that renewed love in Him to face this week!

God Bless

Man up Ning

Yap! As the title says. MAN UP! Or as my classmate says, " Harden the F^&* UP!

In this industry, women cant be soft cookies. They need to be tough and get things done.

Likewise even though ive had 1.5years of this, I still need to keep telling myself to toughen up. Orelse this industry isnt for me.

Tomorrow is gonna be a really tough day but Im gonna keep telling myself that Ive had tougher days.

Sometimes, NOTHING goes our way. we just bite the bullet and do it... theres no space for "BUT"

absolutely no space...


Im gonna hang on to my ex PE teachers comment about me..that Im a fighter. I dont know if she really meant it..but sometimes will power is all one needs to get things done. And so if will powers all I have, then its what I will give.

I know God's got my back.

God Bless

Back on the road!!!

Back into Sydney life.
Getting my body back to the right timing...
The next 2 days will be hectic and hte next 1 week will be very eventful if not abit stressful. But then I find stress in everything these days.

Was walking down UNSW main pathway today adn got to know a singaporean girl who started to ask me if I wanted to join them at their church. I admit I was keen to have a look. Somehow I felt abit of peace and want to do so that should be interesting. :) Maybe this time I will find a church and a church group that will bring me close to God the way He wants me to.

I still miss Singapore.

I miss Ian & Stephen and the rest of the farmily. I miss hte students especially comperes. Because I share such a similar passion with them and I feel liek I have so much I wanna share with them. I also miss the ISCians because they are such a colourful group and have sooo much love.

I miss my family. In different intensities. I miss my cousins and my niece and nephews. I miss my sister. Older than me but sometimes just makes me wonder how old she actually is. She makes me laugh and Im so happy for her that she's married but its sad to not see her at home.
I do miss the elder generation but not as closely as with those ive played with since young.
I still have concerns about teh health of my family but not sure how to help it..sigh

Yap I shouldnt be thinking about Singapore if Im meant to concentrate on Sydney and all thats happening here. Need to focus! No i may not be enthusiastic about what Im currently doing but my concentration still needs to be here...

RRAAWWWRRRR!

Someone used to call me a fighter..like Xena. That was while I was in JC.
I choose to think that when I need it, I have the same fighting spirit as before. Just need the right frame of mind. Dont need to be muscle woman..just need to be focused and not let stress defeat me.

RRAAWWWRRR!

God is with me. And if He's with me, who can be against me?


God Bless!

Very much blessed

So i know I was upset about coming back to sydney because theres so much I felt I was missing. But having close friends in Sydney and having the internet does help.

While I can't say Im a good friend-maker in school, Im glad that I at least have 1 or 2 in school whom I love to bits and whom I do like spending time with.

The internet also helped me keep in touch with my brothers. we're literally on diff corners of the planet. Singapore, Aus and UK. We started a dropbox folder that will help us make music together :) Im excited!!!!

Anyway Im reminded today that Im very blessed. very very blessed to know the people I know. Love the people I love and who love me.

Things can be a lot worse from the start but God has kept me safe and blessed me with love that transcends time and geographical space.

Love my brothers to bits and pieces and love my sistas and sister to bits too.

GOd Bless

Okay so maybe sometimes Im not as strong as I think myself to be

Didn't cry when I left but I wasn't happy... also teared a few times. Gladly sister wasn't there coz that wouldn't have worked. Dont know why..maybe its the wedding and her new life that sorta makes me feel protective of her.Not that I dont trust Keith! Of all people in her life, I trust him the most to look after her.

Anyway I got into the departure hall, went through security and because I decided not to check in my luggage, my baby swiss army knife got confiscated... if I recall, my sis gave it to me..

Got on the plane and scoot is definitely very very minimalist. Food not provided and hence if u do want food, you gotta buy it off them etc. No in flight entertainment as well. At least I was tired so it wasn't that bad. Just sleep lor.

Maybe because I slept, the flight seemed shorter. Good!

Nw that Im back, Im a bit numb..miss family and all but not enough to feel upset..

Only sad bit is that theres no one in the house to say hi to... the rest are in Vic.

This 1.5 years Im gonna have to forget about Singapore and work hard in Sydney..

Go on Ning! You can do it!

God Bless

tonight I fly...

Not happy today.
Holding back tears...
Im not terribly upset..but Im not relieved to go back to SYD either.
Not that I hate what Im doing...just that I know I will miss loved ones.

I dont regret coming back though...being back allowed me to meet up w family and friends.
To celebrate my sister's wedding and in odd ways, to realise how strong or how weak some friendships are.

There are a lot of people I will miss when I leave. A selected few whom I will miss terribly. My sister, my bros and sistas, my kids, abang Wandi, Cal, Neetz and Naz.

All of them have one way or another affected who I am now. And sometimes not having them around makes me lose who I am as a person. as Ning.

I dont wanna go back to who I was in JC. The me who was terribly lost in depression and self condemnation and...just lost...

I dont want to be that and somehow holding on to these good friends and family has allowed me to stay sane. Makes me wonder how it would be if I didn't know them...

Another thing I know I will miss in Sydney is the malay and indian race. The language, the culture, the food, the colour etc.

While me being a singaporean should mean that I should have no qualms mixing with people who are not my race, it also means that anything less than the kind of colour I get in Singapore just seems very boring.

Hence yes I do love Singapore. Its got its weird and distasteful things but on the overall, I love Singapore.

PS: 13 July my grandma's death anniversary. I miss you Mama.

God Bless

Why does the next 1.5years seem like too long a time?

So I dont know why but Im feeling quite sad about tomorrow night's flight. I should be geared to go and find it normal because I've flown to Sydney countless times. Somehow just thinking about my flight is making me sad to the point of tears.

There is nothing that won't be here when I get back at the end of next year...

Yes things will change but time changes everything regardless of whether we are there or not...

Im glad that i managed to meet up with most of the people I love..

And as usual I miss my students and Im reminded of myself as a person through all those I know.

Maybe admittedly Im easily homesick...hmmm


God Bless

holidays

my holiday in singapore has been really good. Managed to catch up with family and farmily. SIster's wedding is this thurs and its quite a surreal feeling. Im happy for her but it also means that I can't go into her room and find her there anymore...

met up with good friends and besties although there are a small bunch of them that I do wanna catch up with but have not had the time to..or our times just clash...

on or two of these good friends I miss a lot and to not meet would be disappointing but what to do...

Then there are friends whom i do want to meet but it seems like the other person doesn't feel the same motivation or enthusiasm... which is even more disappointing ...but one can't bend their backs for everyone. ITs just not possible. And hence I painfully learn how to let go...

Ive missed Singapore...

the next 1.5years Im trying not to come home. It will take will power not to do so actually coz I do love SG a lot. Because of the people I love in it. I love the colour in this country. But I do have things I dont like here. Im reminded of these things every day I wake up. its not big enough for me to hate the place but big enough for me to feel embarrassed for my own country...sigh

Anyway... my verdict still stands...No I won't be migrating to another country...not ever

God Bless