...........hypocrite

Miao Miao has a kid! wohooo! A very very cure non-black kitty! Sooo cute! Not meant to be racist ah!

K well...was upset last night. Both sad and angry....

Its true! I am a hypocrite..who isnt...but I am even more and I deserve a scolding. Was trying to convince by fren, to make him see the light that quitting smoking isnt as hard...its will power. And he said that I dont know how it feels....true I dont know how it feels...and much as I said that Christians will can overcome everything because we have God, I knew I was biting on my own foot...

Everything I do, I naturally think abot whether I can do this with my own strength... n my part I always feel bad when I realize that at my troubled moments, I never first thought of God as my source of strength and capability. I never thugth about whether God could do it first...because if I did, I would never have to worry....He can do everything!

What made me angry and sad...was how it made it seem like I never used my own advice ont he one problem that troubled me the most....getting over my relationship.
Ive never told anyone on who the relationship really was...even when I was attached, I could never explain to anyone how strong the relationship was because it was beyond words! Now that its over, I cant explain it even more! Why doesnt someone just stick electrodes into my brain and analyse it themselves. like total recall by Arnold Shwarzenegar

Id just like to clear something...
When I first broke up, everything I saw reminded me of him. I was ready to give up singing and I would have banned many songs from my mp3 player if needed. I would have given up on my own dreams thinking that the biggest dream I had is broken anyway. I couldnt speak about him without sinking into sadness....I would be immobilised by the thoughts and desperately need someone to talk to yet I never could find the people I needed most. at the same time, other things happening around me, made it worse..I had depression and low low low self esteem, and fear of losing my closest sisters due to my constantly distant and distraught behaviour...Anything that could happen, happened. its akind to having your fav loved one dying and you moarning. Mine was also mixed with anger

That was me when it first started...over the years what pulled me up was the thought that God would let this happen only to strengthen me and if so, He would provide me with enough power and strength to overcome this hurdle that I thought would never end. I had frens telling me, "It will blow over." I would reply, "I know it will! But when? When will God bring me out from my suffering?" I KNOW He WILL but when? Today, I can say, my depression is gone, my low esteem is gone, God preserved the relationship between my sisters and I, I realize how much frens mean soo much to me and how much I mean to them. Ive clinched so many of my dreams and continue to hold on to other dreams...but Ive learnt to let go of things I know I cant change...dreams I was never meant to accomplish like Idol....It took so long but I know God is with me...and Im meant for other dreams like the musical.

What is holding me bac now from totally moving away from..the biggest prob, (the love for my ex) is my heart and my mind. My heart remembers everything that happened and wonders why somethign so strong has to be ended while my mind clearly knows the reasons to this break up and clearly accepts God's path for me. But for the longest time, I've debated with myself on what God's intention is for me...to let go completely...or to hold on to a reltationship God made between us and believe that He will bring us together again in due time...
If God were to tell me that He wants me to move away, I will move away...like a cigarette that clearly has no benefits for me..that God clearly had not meant for me to touch. What about love? How can something so sweet, be poison? that is what my heart thinks. Like I said, if God told me right now in His awesome deep and fatherly voice, I will drop my ex because I know that there will never be a tomorrow for us.

Why am I having such a big conflict n God's intentions..because of how God never fails to put him in front of me at times when I least expect it! Or is it Satan? So who formed that relationship? God or Satan? Who broke it up? God or Satan?

So its not that I dont believe that God is my strength to get over my ex....

As for my bro smoking..its not the first time he's stop and started...something beyond me. Dont tell me its stress because I could ahve easily taken a smoke when I first broke up with my ex (the lowest of my lows in all my life) dont tell me its a habit because with God's strength you can overcome that, dont tell me its influence because it will go to show that you've never really stopped smoking in the first place and all it takes is a whiff of it to get you itching... And if God ahs brought you to the clear twice...dont you think He's trying to tell you to stop it? If so, dont you think he would provide you with the strength and will power to do so? he will never leave us to fend for ourselves, especially not when we are doing His work!

Anway...Im tired..Im tired of explaining...Im tired of being a hypocrite...I'll stop my nagging if I can help it. I will leave my bro to smoke his health away if He thinks this is what God wants him to do...or Satan...I will stop my nagging coz I dont wanna be like my dad or my mum and make things worse by nagging...God will have His way eventually but how He will do it this time...is somethingelse. The past 3 ways He's done it to make my bro change his way...have been drastic as it is...I dont want to know how he will do it this time...

As for my own problems, I thank God for giving me a job I enjoy. I dont mind the lesser pay or long hours because at the end of the day, I do wat I love and work with those I love. I thank God for my other bro who's back in Spore and my sisters who have come back for a visit and all other blessings he showers me with. So whats wrong? My ex is virtually not bothering me unless he appears hahaha but even then, God never fails to wipe him off my mind by the end of the day. Besides my ex is going to UK soon. Everytime I think about how God will always be there for me and that Im sacrificing my ex for someone thousand times greater and who knows me the most, my heart is comforted...besides...all this loss of love will only hurt at most my love life hahaha not my lungs and my kidney. or even my loved ones. I know that God has in store..something better...always.

Father, thank you for your countless blessings and help me to remember what you've done because when the going gets tough, I will be able to remember you and look to you for guidance.

My entry ends here. I will try not to nag anymore..not even to those I care for. I will pray to God for patience and for His works to happen.

God Bless