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Before I go on, let me just say that if you expect a serious read from this blog, you're gonna get dissappointed. One can never satisfy everybody, so im jus gonna satisfy myself. All i want in this blog, is to tell the truth...wat i really feel. It can be dead boring at times...it can be more..thought provoking at others...but whats the constant...is that everything comes from what i feel and think directly...like virginia woolf...saying everything she thinks and feels...putting things word for word...I want that level of honesty...
I realized today, that Ive been so scared of saying what i feel...because I didnt want to be seen in certain ways...there are sooo many things i havnt said. Because...its hard...the best eg i can give...is talking abt my ex. all my frens will say...at this point...,"here we go again" or" u mean ur not over it yet?"
Quite honestly, i havnt got a reply for that. Ive heard that remark sooo many times that...I dont even want to mention it to pple. I dont want to say that, YES I STILL DO! But it doesnt help me to get over things. not mentioning something doesnt mean its not there. But mentioning something doesnt mean ur still hard up on it. It doesnt mean I still cry every night, it doesnt mean I still say his name when im alone...it doesnt mean all that...Trust me...No doubt ive been affected by it...terribly...but over time, i have learnt to only refer to it...not brood on it. I have a fren...who's going through the same thing...she told me yesterday...that she finally knew what i meant when i said, you feel like u have a thousand and one things to say...and you feel like you need to say it out...but no matter how many times you say it to people...you just dont feel better...because...they are not the one you really wanna speak to.
That is my theory...I know that everyone who has a hard time with emotions...will feel the same...the reason why we have certain things stuck in our minds...things we cant let go...is probably because we havnt really spoken to the one we mean it for. How many times do we grumble n bitch abt something done to us and we jus cant get it out of our chest, no matter how many pple we tell it to? Im not saying if someone does you wrong, you fight back. I mean, if they do you wrong, you tell them n let them noe. No fists involved. A serious and peaceful chat is recommended.
Soo...I hope you guys understand...and dont be annoyed with me. Im just like that...Im strong..no doubt...at times...but everyone has a weakness and when we get hit at our weak points...its soooo much harder to get well....may take months, days, years..etc I am just me...
Spoke to my lecturer (a good fren of mine) abt whats happened so far...he shared his stories and I shared mine...I told him abt my meeting up w my ex and he looked at me and said that it seems I still love the guy. What i felt inside...was guilt...guilt to feel hope...guilt to acknowledge...guilt...He asked me what i wanted out of meeting up...the best case scenario...I didnt dare to reply...Ive fought so F*&^ing hard to surpress everything for the past one year. Yet hahah those who know me, know me... I can hear voices in my head now...ringing..."ning, dont be silly. forget abt him" "ning, he's not worth it" You know...my brain says that HELL YOU GUYS ARE DEAD RIGHT! But If i really really search...my heart says otherwise. You know how it is to be opened up with innards all exposed? Yeah...something like that. But like I said, I wish that all this could be controlled with the push of a button... :/ guess not. I dont wanna go flirting around and looking for guys to date n stuff jus to get over! Its not my way of doing things. Im not gonna look at the next indian guy that passes me and take a fancy on him! Although i do find that i have an interest for indian guys...some...But, im not like that. Everyone tells me to go find another person. Well, I would if I could peeps but guys dont grow on trees...Well at least the good ones dont...esp the chinese ones. Not to discrimnate my own race (scully kenah like that INTELLECTUAL racist blogger) I feel that there are very few gd looking and smart chinese guys. For other races, there are more, but alot of them are also players. My point of view k. no offence. Its wat i hear by mouth and what i see and read.
Enough abt that...lets move on.didnt get a chance to go for the audition today...too many entries. They're rescheduling it another day. doesnt matter really. I jus want to see how it is to go for an audition as a vj hahaha. Im still trying for a chance to take a pic w dennis!! and Utt! heheeh After which, I'll work at SSO and after december..I'll have to look for another bloody job :/
To those i havnt met for ages, hope ur doing well man! We soo have to meet up! I know Im still "cant go home so late" but we could meet during the weekends or for lunch or something. In matter of fact I plan to slack at sentosa after my MTV days...for one day. during the weekdays. We can meet up for breakfast opr wat. Maybe i ever told u guys this..but tahnks for being there for me during my tough times. Some of you have seen me cry...some of you have seen me bitch...some of you have heard me swear and some of you have seen me...jus for me. Thanks for that.

LOVE