I spoke to my fren today, he loves this girl so much that everything reminds him about here...its been like that for 10 years...yet..all these 10 years..he's been fighting for a cause that is against his own. His cuosin loves this girl too and my fren has becomethe unwilling middle man... This fren knows about me and my ex..and his call today meant alot for me because it was at the right timing..It was at one of my lowest moments...and it still is.
I had a rough day...really rough...my face was never without a smile yet...it just seemed torturous for me. I loved every minute of it..but yet I hate it. because it has made me someone whom Im scared to be....really scared...Im scared to be another love sick idiot who never lets go after years...I hate to be a pest...I hate to be some relentless crazy girl...I hate to be all that and yet..I am. I am and I have an internal battle that I often defeat and always fight on my own...
My fren is right...I shud have a talk w my ex...no matter how I fear of hurting him. Coz everytime I hurt him...I feel like Ive just stuck a knife into myself. It hurts for him...but it hurts for me too..and yet...what Im going through now..is like a mental self-mutilation... yet somethign tells me that I have to fight it.. have to accept and fight it. coz theres no one left to fight it with me. Not my ex. I know God is there..and yet Satan insisits on confusing me by saying that if I pray and believe I will receive..when ...I know that if I do that with this case..it would be like praying for temptation...and risky losing God.
Sometimes I wished someone would help me tell my ex this...but I fear...i fear that I wud make things worse...f I had one chance to seak to him about this again..Id say that no matter how tough thigsn are..Id wait up. Id still wait up. Not that I have to..but that i want to. I know Im not perfect but I will try my best..." if I could only pass him this message...
I cant explain why...I really cant. And If I could cut myself open and find out why..I wud..I rid the probemm and leave my ex alone...I wud let him have a peaceful life from me..crazy that I am...I wud cease to complicate his life by reminding him of bad memories and let him live his life...praying God would cover him with angels and never let his feet step on troubled grounds...but I cant...coz of my battles.
Funny thing about al this..is that I actually feel guilty..I feel like a fool an incompetant imbecile..just feeling these things..I feel like Im such a weakling that I cant even hold my own heart in place... feel like I could make alot of other lives healthier if Id only be able to control my feelings and take charge of them like a horsemen and his horse...or a dog owner and his pet.
I will pray for a dayt hat God shows me the way...
LOVE
I had a rough day...really rough...my face was never without a smile yet...it just seemed torturous for me. I loved every minute of it..but yet I hate it. because it has made me someone whom Im scared to be....really scared...Im scared to be another love sick idiot who never lets go after years...I hate to be a pest...I hate to be some relentless crazy girl...I hate to be all that and yet..I am. I am and I have an internal battle that I often defeat and always fight on my own...
My fren is right...I shud have a talk w my ex...no matter how I fear of hurting him. Coz everytime I hurt him...I feel like Ive just stuck a knife into myself. It hurts for him...but it hurts for me too..and yet...what Im going through now..is like a mental self-mutilation... yet somethign tells me that I have to fight it.. have to accept and fight it. coz theres no one left to fight it with me. Not my ex. I know God is there..and yet Satan insisits on confusing me by saying that if I pray and believe I will receive..when ...I know that if I do that with this case..it would be like praying for temptation...and risky losing God.
Sometimes I wished someone would help me tell my ex this...but I fear...i fear that I wud make things worse...f I had one chance to seak to him about this again..Id say that no matter how tough thigsn are..Id wait up. Id still wait up. Not that I have to..but that i want to. I know Im not perfect but I will try my best..." if I could only pass him this message...
I cant explain why...I really cant. And If I could cut myself open and find out why..I wud..I rid the probemm and leave my ex alone...I wud let him have a peaceful life from me..crazy that I am...I wud cease to complicate his life by reminding him of bad memories and let him live his life...praying God would cover him with angels and never let his feet step on troubled grounds...but I cant...coz of my battles.
Funny thing about al this..is that I actually feel guilty..I feel like a fool an incompetant imbecile..just feeling these things..I feel like Im such a weakling that I cant even hold my own heart in place... feel like I could make alot of other lives healthier if Id only be able to control my feelings and take charge of them like a horsemen and his horse...or a dog owner and his pet.
I will pray for a dayt hat God shows me the way...
LOVE
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