God has His ways...

Had a very meaningful sermon today...fewt hings Ive learnt..

That when we pray in Jesus's name...our prayers go to Jesus who cleans them out and showers them with righteousness, so that when He presents it to God, the prayer is perfect. if we ahve such faith in Jesus, then our prayers will always be answered because God sees no faults in them. Something like that makes me smile. :) I aso believe that we have to have faith that God will deliver, as we pray, for it to come through.

Another thing is that God sends His angels down to help answer our prayers. As the saying goes, "when one door closes, another door opens." Soemtimes the angels will close certain doors to us, to guide us to the right door. That cant be anymore true that what has happened in my life. :) I believe that God will guide my footsteps.

Went tot he gym today. The normal 2.4km I try to run...is alot easier for me now...thanks to God. I know I shouldnt just be running 2.4km...but Im trying to tune myself out from there. Call myself a frail human.

Im thinking of devoting sunday blogings to God's word. Somethign I know I should have done long time ago...something I believe God would want...

Anyway...I gotta go back to my report..talk later.

LOVE

God's ways

Fpr teh past week, Ive been tested and tried. Not very strenuously...I do believe that if God wanted to, He could deal me a much harsher set of cards if He wanted to..but He didnt. As it is, the cards that He's given me have been trying in itself...Cant dwell too much on that really...but today...I had the hardest card thrown at me.

After basketball, I lost my wallet. I knew exactly where I dropped it but it wasnt there. This implied that someone found it and took it...The fact that my ic, POSB card etc ws in it...My bro being super resourceful, helped to ask the shops around..if they found anything. We spent 1 and half hours running in circles...But the amazing part of all this...was a hunch that my bro. he had this really deep hunch on this certain guy. He appeared in front of him a few times and my bro has this urge to want to stand there and wait for this guy to appear again. I quote, "I have a sneaking suspicion about this guy...dont know why but lets go back there one last time". ONE LAST TIME did we go. That one last time was what worked. As we got nearer to the scene, this same guy called out to us to ask if we were looking for a wallet. You should ahve seent eh smile on my face man!
But heres the jist of the story....My bro's hunch and my trial of faith. Before you say that this is a coincidence or luck...let me correct you. There is no such thing as coincidence or luck. Everything is God-given. This wallet losing incident was one of them times that God wanted me to learn something. I must admit that the lesson I should learn isn't very clear to me now...I sort of think that God had a reason to keep me in school...for what reason...Im not too sure. Maybe He wanted me to freeze my POSB accnt? But you know what? As I realized that I had lost my wallet...I tried to pray to God that He could return it to me. The important part about praying..is to believe it as well. Believe that it will happen as you pray and He will deliver. That was what I tried to do. And it just dawned on me that maybe that was what God wanetd me to learn. He wanted to train me to pray with faith...If so, thank you God for this trial and if it needs be that You have others in store for me...God I accept it.

To be honest. this isnt the 1st time in the last 2 weeks that I lost my wallet. In fact, last sat, I lost my wallet as well...at a cinema. I got it back in the end but...both instances were not because of my misplacing it or forgetting to take it. I laughed soo hard during the film that it dropped. This time, it slipped off my pouch. Both of them happened in the afternoon. So it isnt coincidence..it is not luck..it's God trying to teach me, train me or convey a message to me...

I knew I had to blog this..because it has to be told....that empty faithless prayers dont work. prayers aer also not wish lists. When God gives you a hunch, trust Him and work with it.

Maybe..just maybe...He wanted me to blog this...he wanted me to witness for him. So this is my testimony of God to you. God will never fail you...He has His reasons for what He does..all of which are for your own good. But if you believe in the fulfillment of your prayer..He will give. God never lies..He sticks to his promise and if he said that He would give you what you want if you ask Him with faith and through Jesus's name...He WILL DO IT!

Love you all! Please take care and I'll catch up with you guys soon. :)

LOVE

cont from day before...

So I found out alot abt myself, and alot abt my frens..int eh past 2-3 days...some very surprising..some...not so.

Anyway...before I go any further..I have to thank God. I was in a frenzy when I couldnt find my NYAA card. if I lose it, I might as well not do my report. Coz Id lose my gold award altogether. I was searching to it and as I did, I prayed to God, " God, please help me find my book. Thank You" The bible says htat as we pray, we should have faith that God will deliver..not only that...that He is in the process or already has delivered. Sure enough. I turned my head and there it was. As if God had put it there nicely for me to see...Like He said, " You asked for it!" And placed it there w a smile on his face. I looked at the booka nd smiled to the sky saying, " God, you really have the humour hahahaha"

And as I dwell mroe on what God has done in my life, heres the irony...On sunday, I prayed to God...after a very moving sermon of how we are the gems on the High Priest's garment..the garment he wears as he worships and talks to God...I was soooo touched by how God values us as gems...I told God that if trials and tribulations were what it takes for em to be a better christian...that He can throw many as many trials and tribulations He wanted...I would fight them and emerge victorious. Sure enough, alot of things have happened to me...

So God has been very faithful at keeping His word and as I worry abt what trials n tribulations
I still tell myself that God's strength is mightier than anythign selse int his world. He would not give me a problemm that i can't solve.

K me gonna go slp. u all tc

my life is a mess

Had a looonnnggg interesting talk w my bro today...I find it really surprising...I realize that its easier for me to understand other people...I can take all their actions, ralte to them and explain whyt hey did it thatw ay...yet I dont know myself!

According to my bro,,I ahve very little patience...Im also a very hot tempered person....He knows wat i dont like...pple being late, pple lying etc ..Honestly..I learnt alot abt myself from him! And that is good..coz I know how pple look at me.

You must be wondering why Im into this whole, "who am I" thing...well after going intot eh working world...I learnt alot abt myself and abt how I come across as..from other people's point of view. My boss says I have alot of talents...yet I have not harnessed them yet..I also have a "can't say die" attitude...but I use it at the wrong place. ive come across as a person who doesnt care about alot of things...maybe I do, maybe I dont...I just feel like my brain jumps from topic to topic like a flea..or super flea...I cant keep my thoughts on one topic. its really screwing up my mind...it really is making me think too much

cont tomorrow....

hmmm

For those of you whom are at the crossroads of making a very impt decision..to fight or give up...let me just say...never ASSUME that you know which way the girl or guy wud be happier..NEVER! As it is Ive refrained myself from talking abt my own issues..on the web that is...this is to safeguard the security of those I love...including my ex.

Anyway..I found out something that emm has got me surprised ahhaha funny but I guess I wud have to be very honored. Good to know that God has planned for em to get the frens I have..to take care of me in every way...Thanks God! You're the best. While you care and pamper me so much God, take care of my bro as well k? I know you know who I refer to adn I know you know what he needs...ALOT OF HELP! Hahahah

Hmm another surprise...nerdo from upstairs decides to ask me out again...very very scary...but I was caught in the same train as him..what can I do? I think everybodyelse on the train was surprised abt how he could get my number easily..they didnt know we're neighbours..they prob just thought that he just saw me and asked for my number :P Owww freaky! So yes..I did give him my number...I felt bad not talking to him and declining to meet him..basically lying..so I'll meet him next week. 0_o" Hellppp. If he tries anything funny, I'll go up to his place..I'll give him a serious scolding. I think that shud be enough rite? rite? anyway..i night need to adopt the "decoy escape" plan..sigh..if he reads this...then I guess itd be harder rite? sigh

I know in my last entry, I told God that if He wants me to be one of His gems, that He could give me the trials and tribulations..well...I think God has started with it. I think I see a hint of trials and tribulations looming above me..ready to rain. Will I pass this...I will..I know I will..I ahve an umbrella in my hand....just gotta open it. God...help me to be strong..

K I end here. Guys...take care k.

LOVE

RRAAAAAHHHHH

Emm fed up! Damn fed up!!! Hmmmpphhh Cant tell you wat coz you'll laugh at me...I need to change man!

Made some promises to myself...thigns that I hope to keep but never...SHIT...
1) Not to sleep in church...
2) To clear my Fing room!
3) To stop saying F's!
4) To forget my ex!
5) To organize the stuff in my PC!
6) To get a new life!

As my fren wud say..ROAR! I'd just be as likely to bite my own head. I can walk into my room now, look at my room and get so irritated Id walk off.

aside from which...in what case...the main reason for me to blog today..is to tell you abt something I heard at church...Something hit me really hard! That as much as Jesus Christ died for uor sins through washing us with His blood, He also uses us to glorify His name! We as children of God, have a responsibility to the shining gems on Jesus's High Priest costume, to beautify Him as well! God takes pleasure in seeing us shine for Him!

Allt he more I should do what I need to do well...not because of my pride...but because of God's name! And I guess I would be the dullest looking gem right now.

...God...help me to be a shining light for you. Help me to be the gem that is transformed by fire...I know every trial you give me..is meant to make me better and I know that me as a sinner by nature...can soemtimes be so engulfed by the attractiveness to sin...so God...help me to be aware of your word...help me God tat I may be able to get through your trials...

LOVE

make use of what time you have left

K well seems like sometimes friendship cant be reciprocated..it hurts quite abit...it hurts especially when its someone whom I have sooo much esteem for..but well life works this way doesnt it? God...help me get over it.

This week is probably one of the sadest week...One of my closest sistas left for aussie land this monday...by crapping partner who lives above me flew to aussie land on thur and my crap-till-silly sista is going off this sunday to aussie land too. Hell maybe I shud fly over there too! :/ Missing them man!

Im in a mess now man! I need to clear my room again! I need to sweep everything off my table and forget abt it..I need to push off everything Ive recovered these days...eveyrthing ive remembered...sad...

I need a trip to sentosa to get a tan..i need a trip to JB...I need a big break! I need to write songs and I know what you'll say....THEN DO IT!
Hahahaha I wanna cry! blech!

LOVE

To my BBBro...

Hey bro, Its been awhile since we talked and much as I want to call you...I know I shouldn't...not while Im still..not okay. Recently joined SI and guess what, I got through the 1st round! I'm alittle excited about it but I know its only the 1st stage and I could get kicked out anytime...so Im not trying to get so high abt it. I know you're gonna tell me to be positive...your half way to success if you think that you can do it. I know bro..I know. I know you're gonna ask me why after all your trying to persuade me to do something w my singing, I finally wait till now to do it. Well you know bro...the truth is...even though you're gone, your persuasion still stayed with me and in fact its only till you went away, that I finally realized that my not doing this...would be a waste of you time and everybody's effort of trying to convince me that I can really be someone. rfemember the banner you made for me? The one that you waved around when I joined the talentime? My 1st contest... The banner has always been at home and when I clear my room, Id always read it again...everytime I read it..I feel motivated. it is a sign of your confidence in me bro. I really treasure that. Thats why I did this...for you..mostly. I know ive been a terrible sister...but I really dont mean to be such an asshole...I still care abt our brotherhood...Read my old diaries yesterday and came across this thing that i told you, "Slap me if I seem like Im gonna stray away from you and the rest. I dont want to lose you guys as my frens. You guys are tooo precious to me." Guess what..Im slapping myself now..coz you're not here to slap me... You're still gonna be my BBBro...and I really really hope that I'll always be your SSSista...no matter how much pain I caused you. Im sooooo rhomba sorry bro... If I could, Id dedicate one of my songs on SI to you..and the rest... Your SSSista

Wooohhhh

Check this out! I sent 4 hours under the sunday hot sun for SI and I jus realized that my skin is tanned! From 12pm to 4pm! The tanned area fits the shirt i was wearing! Hahahaha I dont even need to go east coast or sentosa to get a tan! Hahahaha Man!

Today was quite okay...hoping tom to be more conductive Hehehe

Been thinking abt the life I wud have to adopt if I do get famous hahaha not that Im being yaya..just consequences...

If all works smoothly..Id have to change my blog...might not even be able to blog as much (gd for some of you)...Id need to get a cap...I acnt go out jalaning as often! I still want my frens btw..and so those of you who think that I'll forget you, you're wrong! I'll still love you! I nkow I'll be dead busy...but I still love you and if I do lose track of you guys, come to me and give me a tight slap! hehehe Unless you're someone I dont know at all.

Anyway Im trying to get rid of Godzilla....its sader to think that that Godzilla that messes my room..is me...haiz..

LOVE

Counting down...

Hey peeps...Im gonna start counting down to a private blog. Knowing how big a mouth I have, I think it'd be safer for me to make my blog a private one. I know its not fool proof..but its the least I can do to make things less obvious. Not to mention changing my content? hahaha Im gonna be more discrete about things...sad but true..I finally have to be more PR..sigh
So Im counting down to end oft his month. After which, maybe I wud have to delete certain things from my blog..sigh...I dont want to risk anyone's reputation..esp my ex's.

Life is okay btw...going slow but still going.

Anyway..will talk abt thigsn later. :)

Love yah all

LOVE

Ohhh Im such a loser!

Okay....Godzilla is here to stay... :( Im such a failure at packing my roomt hat it doesnt even seem like I threw anythign away! Im frustrated man! Blech....

im sooo irritated by myself that I dont even know what to blog...sigh..tok to you guys netx time..

LOVE n HATE myself...blech

Aint no sunshine when he's gone

...Just when I thought the weak me was done and over...I just have to see my past emails and Im back to my old self...

You know...I have the old emaisl my ex sent to me? Sweet nothings that Id have kept for years and if everything happened well....Id have everyone pirinted and framed and hanging off the wall in rows in our "shud have been" special room..or in a chest..a chest of memories. And you know what..I still cant bring myself to delete them...Maybe part of me cant bear to part with him...maybe part of me cant bear to part with what I define as perfectly true love. Maybe...deleting it would make it seem as Ive never been truly loved before..no evidence..yet Id love to cry tot he world thatI had been loved... I have had someoen who loved me so much till he cried for me...sigh..I still cant bear to delete them.

Im so sad...so sad that I pity myself......coz I still believe that one day...he'll come back... Yet..God..please hold me up...please please keep me strong..when I feel as if all my strength is draining...like a plug that was detached from its hole.

I guess it was coz I was trying to console my sista...she's going through the same hurt..the same things as I am..minus the inter-racial thing...yet everything from how she loved him...was exactly as how I loved my ex...regardless of sickness...regardless of everything..even ourlseves...sad to say... I would have given my life to him....only that it seems that I dont have to...seems like he should have a someone else by now. Breaks my heart but...God will keep me strong. Do I still love him? yes I do..with all my heart..

You know...is it just me or are all first loves so strong that they are uncontrollable? Its the first time you let your heart take control and speak its mind..that its overwhelmed by the chance and cant stop talking...I knew that I felt as if I cudnt spend a day not seeing him..couldnt speand a day not hearing from him...and all other stuff...that I felt pain seeing him in pain...is it true love..or first love? Is there a diff? Just coz its ur 1st love...does it mean true love? Do you always end up being over-bearing? Do you always lose control of your heart? Sigh..my poor sister..If I see that ex of hers again, I'll make sure Ikick his sorry ass skyhigh..I fry him in oil.... thats how I am...I love my sistas!

As for me...the feelign will wear off soon..its a momentary thing. Sadly...my sis said she wished she'd never met her ex but I cant sayt hat for myself...coz if I hadnt..I wudnt learn so much..I wudnt be telling myself that I can do things to change my future..I wudnt be so close to God. So God had it all planned..to make me suffer..to make me hold these memories in my heart but make me stronger...I know that God ended the relationship for us..because He knew that I was straying away from him and I needed to wake up and go back to Him.

I guess I miss the times of being loved...I missed the times of sweetness that was soo strong and overpowering that you could feel a glow shining from you...I used to think that nobody knew how much I loved my ex...but now I know that someone does...my sista...and maybe God gave me these experiences for me to share w my sista and comfort her and tell her that she's not alone..she's not the only one who loved till her heart dropped out...she is not alone...the pain she feels from her heart till her throat..was and is natural...

I love you sista..I'll always stand by you okay. Together..we'll make things work for the better and the foolish assholes whom have hurt us, will one day see that we have become stronger people adn that our lives have gone well even without them. I know we can do it.

Please dont tell me that Im in denial or over him etc...I know...I also know that everyone of us will never forget our 1st loves. We may end up hating them...but inside..we will always have a soft spot. All I know is that I cant bear to see my ex..with or without a girl by his side. I woudl rather think of him as dead..cause then I can retain my good memories of him :) So dont worry! :) I'll be fine. God has given me endless strength..that when Im weary...I can still tkae an extra step and an extra step..and move on.

LOVE

okay...

soo according tot eh contract, I have to stop talking abt Spore Idol...so Im sorry guys..if I told you, Id have to kill you. :P

Went for aikido today and got slapped ont eh face w someone's foot. he did a forward roll and his feet crashed into me. :( Valentines day has a new meaning to me now hahaha My boss told my aikido sensei abt my Spore Idol thingy and now my sensei is promising me that he'll threaten the whole dojo to vote for me hahahah nice man! But I know that I dont want people to vote for me coz they are forced to. but cause they really want to. I know my school will root for me if i do make it and they will put up a pic of me ...but I honestly dont think allt he students would vote...we are smart people. We dont vote involuntarily and SP would never force people to vote! my absolute belief!

Got frustrated with myself again today.... I didnt do what I set out to do and this day felt like such a waste...

met up with a mentor of mine for lunch...he is a lecturer in SP but he never taught me..yet Im very much connected to him because he taught me things that I cudnt learn in class. I appreciate his wise words. I know the 1st time I saw him, I got scared coz I was compereing for his event and it was my second event but my first as a solo compere. yet he told me that he wanted to use us comperes because he thgouth it was a good way to learn. It made me feelt eh utmost respect for him! Then when he went with us to China, I was soo glad cause I felt that I could learn so much life lessons from him. In fact...he's the only one that I speak cantonese to in school hahahah When we had conflicts with the teachers in China, only he was calm enough to tell us why we went wrong..he was the onlooker..the one who saw both sides...through him, I saw the purpose of us going to China clearer... Im soo glad I had lunch with him today adn got to talk to him. :) God please take care of this wise man. Dont let me forget him. :) Thanks Uncle Lai!

God, I nkow ive been sliding abit..in faith and may you forbid that I do so. Help me to keep the bible by my side and read it and learn...

Happy V day peeps!

LOVE

Eve of Valentine's Day

Cant remember how Valentine's day came about but thats okay with me hahaha

Well!...Lots of things have happened for the past few days. I know I havnt blogged for days and thats probabaly come across as weird and even vaguely fishy hahaha Yeah well...the news is out and Iw as terribly busy for the week because of my radio workshop which was awesome man! Whohooo..Im soo motivated to do radio man.. :P

As for the weekends...ehmmm I went for the SI auditions and..yeah..im in tot eh next round. Emm I think I sorta knew that I cud do it..but...its only coz theres just soo many people and they're probabaly just trying to sort out those that are gd to average and those that are horribly bad..watever lah. but I can say that Im looking forward to seeing the judges...Im not sure i can make it to the top, but I guess i'll try... I did talk to God about it though...or rather I told him what I felt... I told him to let me go as high as he wants...but if it gets to a point where Im going to lose Him, that he would take me away from danger...I know some of you may find it weird...but it is really what Im scared of...Im scared that I would be blinded by fame...
Im so amazed btw..abt how excited my frens are for me! I feel as if I have the most loving frens int he world..coz they are truly happy for me! I dont know if I can be like them....Im soo amazed by them. because of such..I feel as if I am blessed even more.

Spoke to one of my sistas last last night and we talked abt her probs. She's having a hard time and I honestly didnt nkow how to help her. I know Iw as at a point where I begged her...begged her for her own good. I tried soo hard to talk her out of certina things and then I knew that there is no other way but to ask God for help. As I told her abt how God would help her...I prayed to God to help me with my words..let the Holy Spirit work in my heart...that she will hear me and be convinced that God is there for her. I wanted her to nkow that no matter how many hurdles we get, God brings us through..not by our strength..but His. He would never give us a hurdle that we cudnt cross...coz its pointless....I spoke to her will all conviction that God was there for her and all of us and He loved us soo much that He is eagerly holding his blessings in his hand...waiting eagerly for the time we tell Him, "God, help." Then He'll give us allt he help adn blessings and strength we need! I felt soo fulla nd sooo sure of this when I told her! I wanted her to know that God had all these hurdles for her because he had alot in plan for her and she can never fail because God was there if she asked...even when she was barely holding on...I Know EXACTLY what she feels and Id slapt eh bloody ASSHOLE left, right, up, down and center if I cud get my fingers around his neck! Id show him the edge of my feet...Id stick it up his ass! I know exactly how it feels...I know how much pain she's going through...Id breakt he neck of the next idiot that does this kind of thing to any of my sistas..even my own real sister. id especially feed that guy to the dogs!

Anyway..I know Im sinning now..just by imagining these losers dead...but its coz I love my sisters soo much. bought my sister a small bag of famou amos today...felt like it.

Another sad news..is that my big sista has just left for australia to study...im missing her already...our 4 sisters gang is now missing a member... we wrote a song for her...we also gave her hang up picture frames w our pics in it...the pictures cost $1.5 each lor! Pissed! but nvm..for my sista...God pelase take care of her. Keep her safe and strong and healthy and successful..as you've always done. :)

As for everythingelse...its all fine...I thank God for everything good that has happened in my life..as wellt he bad. I thank Him for and talk to him about things I see and Im happy. :) God take care of every one I love...thank you...and God Im sorry if ive sinned the whole day..Im sure i did. Forgive me God.

Love

Ahhh Wat the hell was I thinking!

So i finally succumbed to the many small voices...the single loud voice (ie: conscience) was defeated and at 4pm I found myself walking tot eh SP Idol 2 registration line. I spent 5 grueling hours there..just waiting for my registration...heaven knows why they even made us register online as well then but what can I say?

So byt he time I got tot he registration table, I couldnt do my audition..Im forced to go back tom afternoon.WAT! I did get my wish to do auditions on another day but I still had to queue like everyonelse! had i known that the queue would shorten around 7, Id wait till then to queue. In fact...come to think of it, I was a dumb as to not wait till later to queue and kill the time beofre by walking around orchard etc... it would be more entertaining... Now Im bloody tired and I just wanna zonk out! To me, the waiting was a test of will power and patience...It was also an excellent deterence method. Anyone who got fed-up of queueing cud just go off! I know I was asking myself the same question over nad over, "what am I doing here?"

My sis was supportive to offer a delivery of dinner and stuff. She asked how my queuing was and whether I had shelter and water etc...me not having any supporters with me, made her care and concern for me more valuable...more than how they usually are to start. In fact she was the one I complained to most today. At 8pm when she smsed me top ask if I was done, I told her that I was far from started hahah which is no lesser fromt he truth. I had 100 people or more in front of me....just waiting for the registration. had Id known, Id come at 7.45pm and the queue would be a whole lot shorter. I know I wudnt get to audition ont he same day but at least I wasted less time...haiz...

Byt eh time I got off the waiting line, I had dinner. I bought a 1.5l bottle of water and downed it within 30mins. how much water did I have today? 1.5l to be exact.

I have loads more to talk abt for the radio workshpo which was smashing!!! and att he end of that, it made me feel more motivated to be a dj! The recording we did became like an addiction. Iw anted to do mroe of it :P like comperes...
I was soo in awe of people like Jeremy Ratnam and Maggie and Mario and Joe Augustin! I admire them to no end! Iadmire how they can do it all so smoothly..It amazes me and I wish ic ud work with them..somethign I want to do next time!

Anyway..im dead tired..Im gonna lseep. take care

LOVE

soul...

Appeal to their soul and they will stick with you...talk w an earnestness and they will listen.

Guys Im too tired to talk abt my workshop...we talk another day...forgive me..Ive seemed to have pissed my best frens off as well.

procrastination has become my worst enemy and I have yet to fight my urges to take breaks ever too often.

Anyway...z's everywhere. Excuse me while I sleep...due to wake up at 6.

Horrible!

It was a gd day (note the irony) coz I got to meet some of the people whom i havnt seen for a long time. The funny part is that although I enjoyed my day, I didnt really get anythign done and int he eve, my day turned worse coz halfway through my workshop, I had aheadache..somethig to be reckoned with...it drove my mood down and my vomit up. So through the lesson, I had the urge to puke 3 times. On the final time, I did puke. And God gave me a timing so good. We were just clapping our hands and thanking the radio djs. (went for radio workshop at power 98)
So imagine this, me having my fav djs in front of me and yet not being able to shake my hands w them or say thanks..coz Ive got too much in my mouth..ie: puke.

But you know whatt he most DISGUSTING thing was? I had to swallow it all down again..watever I puked..was swallowed back...watever leaked out..all fluid...was wiped off. Thankfully it wasnt alot...

Jeremy ratnam cud tell that Iw asnt okay..Iw as the last to go off and my face was most probabaly white...SHIT man! I wanted sooo much to telll Jeremy ratnam that I admire him..he's from SP too and I see him host att eh Riverraft Race...I admire him alot! Not crazy admire...but sane admire..sane to still want a picture or autograph!

So hereh's my horrible day....I hope that today isnt gonna be bad. In wat case...Im gonna bring panadol wherever I go and an extra plastic bag...I plan to travel light...

God thanks for not letting me puke int eh middle of class...carry me through today safely God.

LOVE

God's word

K soent the whole morning flipping my things over, trying to find my organisr. You know Im a disorganised and highly forgetful fellow...losing an organiser would amount to losing track of time...sigh... Eventually..after searching so hard for it, I found it where id last left it...under my office desk...There it is, opened to the last page I saw hahaha silly Ning!

I cant helpbut rememebr the cab thingy last night and I guess when I think of it and other stuff, I cant help but think that God is there. It maybe be mean to say that when God decides to do one of those start and stop and start again rains, I look up to Him and say, "God, you're having fun arent you?" Things like these that could seem like Im making fun of God or being disrespectful...but am I? HmmmWould Jesus want me to have a more intimate relationship with God? Isnt God supposed to be my father? Aint I supposedto Love God? Is making fun of Him a sin? Hmmm

I know I getting very religious here man but if you dont like it, I suggest you skip this entry....
Apologies and no apologies.

Soo..another question...who do we pray to? God or the Lord Jesus Christ? When Jesus was alive, he taught us to pray, " Our father who art in Heaven, Hallowed be Thy name..." Jesus died to save us from our sins and by doing so, helped us to be clean in God's eyes and be able to communicate with God on a direct basis. Meaning...we dont need a high priest to convey our prayers to God anymore...we can do it ourselves...coz Jesus was the High Priest and He has done enough sacrifices (ie: Himself) to help all of us who believe in Him, to speak to God directly. No more middle man. So if so, wouldnt that mean that we should address our prayers to God but in Jesus name? I know Jesus, God and the Holy Spirit are 1. But there has to be a reason why Jesus taght us to pray that way. If we were taught to pray other ways...he would let us know right? He would tell the apostles right? Never once did Jesus not cease to emphasis that He was doing what His Father told Him to do. Even Jesus Himself prayed to God the Father... Sooowho exactly do we pray to?

Another thing that Im pondering about...is the importance of baptism in water...Ive come to believe that it is a necessity...but I just dont understand why...Honestly..I never thought baptism in water was necessary..I thought that as long as I loved God and Jesus Christ...Id be saved. But the occurance of water baptism in the bible is substantial for me to not ignore it...

And tongues..hmmm...that Im still wondering...

Anyway...time to do work...take care

LOVE

....God...I know you pamper me...everytime I open my eyes I see it.

Anyone for Murukku? Got a whole tin of it :) Thanks for em bro!

Hmm heres a quote from Benjamin Franklin,

Never leave that till to-morrow which you can do to-day.

Just heard this quote for the beginning of today's Grey's Anatomy show. What strick me more wasnt the quote...but how the reason to why we still hesitate to do things...

FEAR

Fear of failure, fear of dissappointment, fear of the breaking of pride... plain simple fear. I absolutely agree! And we drag and drag tillt he weight of it grows on us like a tumor... Fear...

I literally checked the whole list of benjamin franklin quotes to find this and while I did so, I found many other quotes that only showed one thing. Benjamin was a God-loving man. He lived by God's word. His quotes are no lack of wisdom that Im sure God would have inspired him. ive decided to pick my fav Ben Franklin quotes, print em out and pin them out! And at the bottom, write " In all things, do it in God's name" I know changing my bad habits is hard to do...but its somethign I have to do...

Int he meantime...I hope you guys go look at his quotes for urself....
http://quotations.about.com/od/stillmorefamouspeople/a/BenjaminFrankl2.htm
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Benjamin_Franklin

And now I must do what God would want me to do...to tell of his works...
I was tired and sleepy just now and from where I was...I was worried abt how to get a cab and go home. And as my fren said that I wud have to wake awhile to get a cab, I said, " Im just gonna pray to God to send me a cab and with God's speed send me home" And as we walked to the crossroads, there from both sides, were 2 taxis. Both empty and both looking for passengers. My fren looked at me and said that God answered my prayer..and honestly...I was surprised too! I was surprised that as I said that comment, I felt a wave of peace and threw my worry to God and right there in front of me..(as I said that comment) 2 cabs were ont heir way to being there for me...Did God provide? Yes! Coincidence? No. In God's world, there is no Coincidence..but only Providence....At that moment I realized God had taken my prayer and provided for me...I was surprised and I felt...truly pampered. Why would God do this? why would he pamper me and provide me with a cab without making me wait? In fact, even today's bus ride was immediate!

I thought of how God has given me so many contacts, compereing-wise and he's given me a voice...does this mean I am meant to use them to glorify him? You know what warms me more? That the cabs didnt appear out of nowhere..everything was pre-planned. That befoer I cud ask for a cab...and my worries had already started hours before that...God has alerady had plans for providing for me. He had planned for the driver (the one whom I eventually took) to drive by this area at this time...In fact the driver drove past this place on his own accord...somethign told him that he might have a passenger here! Thank you God. And you know what...I cud never consider all these coincidences because...every of them have a timing...Every of them came when I was thinking of them...every of them occured when I felt in the deepest connection with God...even with my ex...everythign had a timing...but you know wats more wonderful? That never did I pray to God repeatedly abt them...never did I intentionally pray to God about them! They came as if God had heard what my heart was saying...he gave them to me even when I didnt pray to Him for it...All i did was desire...How can I deny a God who would give me what I wanted even without my asking? How could I not see all these blessings He's given me without me having to sacrifice a limb? Without torturing myself? My God is a loving God..is a pampering God... I figure that when God says, "ask and ye shall receive" it also means the subconscious asking me have in our hearts...subconscious desires...thigns we dont even realize that we're asking..but once in awhile, we look at em and think to ourselves, "how good if I cud do that"

God...keep me alert...let me not fear..least I hesitate and slack...for if I do, I would bring shame to ur name in all i do. I think its very hard for me God...because I was moulded into such a person..but I know with you..nothing is impossible...God, please keep me alert and that everytime I begin to falter, that I will rememebr that everythign I do has to be for your name..that I ahve to do my best in all I do and stop thinking abt my pride..but yours... Help me God...coz I know that it is only through you that I can go pass this hurdle. lastly God, I Love You!

Peace to those I know...

LOVE

DO NOT ENTER!

My room looks like Godzilla came over for lunch...no kidding...Im trying to fix it..REALLY!

Got new pics on my phone and guess who';s on my hp wallpaper? Hehehe My grandma! Something abt having my grandparents on my wallpaper makes me think abt how I shud be closer to them. Keeps me grounded I guess...

So teh stress is up! My money probs are coming back to haunt me and this time..I might just die from them :/ I never thought Iw as a shopaholic coz I never bought heaps of clothes or shoes or jewellery etc...guess Im of another kind...books...vcds... Dont know whats with me man!

Wish I cud get a break to really clear my stuff but much as I tell myself that...theres still so much here coz Im just someone who likes to keep stuff for memory's sake sigh...

Im quite sianz at this moment...dont know why...must be the room...but something's got me so tired that I just feel ilke lying in bed and sleeping..but nope..cant...I desperate;y need to clear this or...everything might fall and kill me..make it look like an earthquake when all my stuff are just piled on top of each other like Topple game....Im in trouble...

So before i attempt to dig through my stuff to reveil a long forgotten piece of my room wall, with the risk of no return or being eaten by the dust lords, I bid thee farewell and take care and I love yah.

LOVE

When

When was the 1st time you loved the sea? When was the 1st time you loved the beach? When was the 1st time you loved the stars?....when when when? Can you remember? When was the 1st time you loved the night sky? When was the 1st time you loved the night? When was the 1st time you loved the wind and the rain and rainbow? Too Feminine?

I remember the 1st time I was taken aback by the waves, the night, the reflecting lights of nearby shipyards, the sounds, the moon, the stars...all at once...when? When I went for my sec sch library trip, we had a midnight orchard road lights expedition and went to East Coast for the sun rise...We didnt get to see the sunrise...but that was the 1st I felt so overwhelmed by the sea. It was soo dark that the sea and the night sky was seemingly joined..whcih gave me an overpowering feeling that a wall was in front of me...a wall of water. Ths crashing of waves so loud yet its location quite indefinable...It was pure amazement and instantly..I loved it.

I also rememebr how one particular night of my China Trip, the locals brought us around the town and we walked towards the river side. We all knew that right across the river, is a big cliff, enormous highland but none of us could see it. Until we were barely 5 steps fromt he edge of the riverside, we caught the edges of the highland and tracing its edges, all of us stopped in our tracks and lost our breathes when we saw that the highland in all its entirety....was right in fonr of us...towering over us! The darkness had once again played a trick on me...revealing its treasures with a tinge of surprise....WOW Let me state that given the same scene in the day, I would not be as taken aback.

So why do I love the night sky? Coz it makes everything look almost magical...like everything had a layer of invisibility around it...once penetratable when you are close enough... again...WOW

Haiz...

K dont nkow how to describe my behaviour...I seriously have a prob man...prob visit a shrink hahah Thinking abt what I wanna do next time and watever it is...just doesnt fit what I can do...seriously..I know I learnt alot at SSO and Im soo thankful for this chance..but if you ask me what I know moer abt myself..what I can do..I can tell you that I know mroe abt what i cant do. And its really frustrating...coz if I had a chance..Id love to do things that Im doing now...but I also know that If I dont change myself emotionally and mentally..there is no way I can survive...sigh..

Im soo thankful for God to give me people whom Ive come to befriend and have tried to help in one way or another. It warms me...

Not till now..have I really tried to see the work that I do as a way of showing God in me. That I should have pride in my work and try my absolute best in giving my best work...because God has given me more than enough capabilities to do so. And I feel like I cud hate myself and my chracter for being such a disregarder (if theres such a word) I could very easily hate myself! And the only thing that I like myself for..is music...simply...music and art n craft...
What my officer in SP said was true...when I get to SP Idol..the thing that I have to tahan..is not the make-up..not the attire..its the criticism...The judge's comments...the support of the fans...That will break me or make me...Something that I have to curb if I want to do it...courage and thick skin...
Was talking to my fren whom I met for lunch and she's amazed by how well I can hold my nerves when I host...Well...truth...I do get nervous..its before the event..when the show goes on, I lose my nerves and get on w confidence. In fact..I can truly say that...its a diff matetr when I sing and when I host. When I sing, I get very very very nervous...butterflies having war in my tummy k. When I give a speech..Im fighting nerves...when I do a play..Im in nerves... SOOO dont look at me like Im some super tough girl..Im not... I rememebr the last audition I did, I KNEW I was out because my throat was tight and my voice trembled...but the judge decided to let me sing another song..because he could tell that I could sing...And I gave it my HELL best...I sang and he played and by the mid of the song..it felt like we clicked...I sang to his piano while he played to my singing..impromptu baby! That was a HIGH...
Sooo..will I make it...dont nkow..really dont know...but I will tae what God gives me...

As I walked home...my mind was on an expressway...i felt myself jumping from thought to thought and I realized that this is what everybody is talking abt..abt me thinking too much. If I could verbalize all my thoughts...you'd be able to tell that I just cant stick to a topic for a few seconds. Its like how you're trying to find the name of the song you're hearing but you just cant seem to catch it in your head.. You have part of it, you have it att he tip of your tongue but you JUSt cant put it out. Thats how its like...or like how one fo those sci-fi movies or horror flicks show a person's eyes start flicking left to right repeatedly..very fast.. its like that...scary? YES!
I now understand what I did to my ex...im sorry bro...really....
It makes me feel ilke I have to cover my eyes to tune in and focus onw hatt he person in front is trying to say to me..coz..my eyes..catch onto something and Im into another topic...losing track of whatt he person wanted to say. ITS TERRIBLE! it will affect me and what I will do next time. I know my boss has tried to teach me how to control my thoughts but..its just runnign so fast that Im not even conscious abt it. One fo those roadrunner and coyote cartoons where the coyote tries to press the detonater when the roadrunner goes over the "X" but the roadrunner is soo fast that the coyote misses... SEE! SHIT!

And maybe Im soo determined on getting allt he content out that I dont pay attnetion to the details...Im sooo focused on getting what I feel out..that the punctuation and justification and capitals are all forgone just for that....sigh..and if so, would mean that everything I type..has to be typed real fast and printed and screened with a magnifying glass and X-ray vision..wat have you..just to point out EVERY SINGLE mistake I make in it....

I figure that I wud have to get a office cubicle that allows me to not get distracted by anything or anyone that walks past...so that I can focus on whats in front of me...I just thought of soemthing that whizzed past and now Ive forgotten abt it....wud this mean that Im gonna be good as a dj? Hahaha the fact that i think so bloody fast? Hahaha that means i can crap at bullet train speed? The next step of my improving..would be to screen my mind on what ive done for the past few months and think abt which faults of mine are the worst and how they can curbed..

My boss told me once that all muscians are emotional...my aunt said that our family blood has overflowing emotions in it..Id say...80% emotions and 20% blood cells...and that wud make me a lethal walking timebomb...which I truly feel so...but I trust I wudnt kill anyone or kill myself...
you know what the funny thing is..I always used to think that...when I was very young..I seldom cried...even when I got bullied...but it wasnt until sec sch..that I realized that I was more emotional...like my sadness bottle was full and any more wud result in spillage...like my emotions were all suddenly less controllable than last time. Maybe its all that maturity stuff...I used to tell myself when Iw as young..that I can take anything my dad or mum or whoever used to say...coz its really ntohign to cry abt and I didnt. Just after sec sch..I managed to psycho myself that Im strong..I can go through allt he constructive criticism and walk out...but in poly..thanks to a relationship..my emotions have been pulled down fromt eh back of the cupboard and the bottle uncapped and filled...sigh..Believe me when I say this...I trying very hard to put my bottles back int eh cupboard. And I knwo its bad but this time..a wall wud be quite handy hahahah Only bottle Id leave outside..HAPPINESS...

ANother funny part abt this....this is the only place that I erally own up to everything...I guaranttee to you that whoever you are (my best fren or family) Getting me to telly ou all this in person..face to face...wud be harder than now. Right now..my fingers are typing none stop and whatever it is that I feel, is typed. Only God knows why My fingers dont cramp up and ache.

K enough crap... any of you achign for comics...Liberty Meadow and Pearls Before Swine are good by my opinion..no-brainers...Comics.com

LOVE