...Just when I thought the weak me was done and over...I just have to see my past emails and Im back to my old self...
You know...I have the old emaisl my ex sent to me? Sweet nothings that Id have kept for years and if everything happened well....Id have everyone pirinted and framed and hanging off the wall in rows in our "shud have been" special room..or in a chest..a chest of memories. And you know what..I still cant bring myself to delete them...Maybe part of me cant bear to part with him...maybe part of me cant bear to part with what I define as perfectly true love. Maybe...deleting it would make it seem as Ive never been truly loved before..no evidence..yet Id love to cry tot he world thatI had been loved... I have had someoen who loved me so much till he cried for me...sigh..I still cant bear to delete them.
Im so sad...so sad that I pity myself......coz I still believe that one day...he'll come back... Yet..God..please hold me up...please please keep me strong..when I feel as if all my strength is draining...like a plug that was detached from its hole.
I guess it was coz I was trying to console my sista...she's going through the same hurt..the same things as I am..minus the inter-racial thing...yet everything from how she loved him...was exactly as how I loved my ex...regardless of sickness...regardless of everything..even ourlseves...sad to say... I would have given my life to him....only that it seems that I dont have to...seems like he should have a someone else by now. Breaks my heart but...God will keep me strong. Do I still love him? yes I do..with all my heart..
You know...is it just me or are all first loves so strong that they are uncontrollable? Its the first time you let your heart take control and speak its mind..that its overwhelmed by the chance and cant stop talking...I knew that I felt as if I cudnt spend a day not seeing him..couldnt speand a day not hearing from him...and all other stuff...that I felt pain seeing him in pain...is it true love..or first love? Is there a diff? Just coz its ur 1st love...does it mean true love? Do you always end up being over-bearing? Do you always lose control of your heart? Sigh..my poor sister..If I see that ex of hers again, I'll make sure Ikick his sorry ass skyhigh..I fry him in oil.... thats how I am...I love my sistas!
As for me...the feelign will wear off soon..its a momentary thing. Sadly...my sis said she wished she'd never met her ex but I cant sayt hat for myself...coz if I hadnt..I wudnt learn so much..I wudnt be telling myself that I can do things to change my future..I wudnt be so close to God. So God had it all planned..to make me suffer..to make me hold these memories in my heart but make me stronger...I know that God ended the relationship for us..because He knew that I was straying away from him and I needed to wake up and go back to Him.
I guess I miss the times of being loved...I missed the times of sweetness that was soo strong and overpowering that you could feel a glow shining from you...I used to think that nobody knew how much I loved my ex...but now I know that someone does...my sista...and maybe God gave me these experiences for me to share w my sista and comfort her and tell her that she's not alone..she's not the only one who loved till her heart dropped out...she is not alone...the pain she feels from her heart till her throat..was and is natural...
I love you sista..I'll always stand by you okay. Together..we'll make things work for the better and the foolish assholes whom have hurt us, will one day see that we have become stronger people adn that our lives have gone well even without them. I know we can do it.
Please dont tell me that Im in denial or over him etc...I know...I also know that everyone of us will never forget our 1st loves. We may end up hating them...but inside..we will always have a soft spot. All I know is that I cant bear to see my ex..with or without a girl by his side. I woudl rather think of him as dead..cause then I can retain my good memories of him :) So dont worry! :) I'll be fine. God has given me endless strength..that when Im weary...I can still tkae an extra step and an extra step..and move on.
LOVE
You know...I have the old emaisl my ex sent to me? Sweet nothings that Id have kept for years and if everything happened well....Id have everyone pirinted and framed and hanging off the wall in rows in our "shud have been" special room..or in a chest..a chest of memories. And you know what..I still cant bring myself to delete them...Maybe part of me cant bear to part with him...maybe part of me cant bear to part with what I define as perfectly true love. Maybe...deleting it would make it seem as Ive never been truly loved before..no evidence..yet Id love to cry tot he world thatI had been loved... I have had someoen who loved me so much till he cried for me...sigh..I still cant bear to delete them.
Im so sad...so sad that I pity myself......coz I still believe that one day...he'll come back... Yet..God..please hold me up...please please keep me strong..when I feel as if all my strength is draining...like a plug that was detached from its hole.
I guess it was coz I was trying to console my sista...she's going through the same hurt..the same things as I am..minus the inter-racial thing...yet everything from how she loved him...was exactly as how I loved my ex...regardless of sickness...regardless of everything..even ourlseves...sad to say... I would have given my life to him....only that it seems that I dont have to...seems like he should have a someone else by now. Breaks my heart but...God will keep me strong. Do I still love him? yes I do..with all my heart..
You know...is it just me or are all first loves so strong that they are uncontrollable? Its the first time you let your heart take control and speak its mind..that its overwhelmed by the chance and cant stop talking...I knew that I felt as if I cudnt spend a day not seeing him..couldnt speand a day not hearing from him...and all other stuff...that I felt pain seeing him in pain...is it true love..or first love? Is there a diff? Just coz its ur 1st love...does it mean true love? Do you always end up being over-bearing? Do you always lose control of your heart? Sigh..my poor sister..If I see that ex of hers again, I'll make sure Ikick his sorry ass skyhigh..I fry him in oil.... thats how I am...I love my sistas!
As for me...the feelign will wear off soon..its a momentary thing. Sadly...my sis said she wished she'd never met her ex but I cant sayt hat for myself...coz if I hadnt..I wudnt learn so much..I wudnt be telling myself that I can do things to change my future..I wudnt be so close to God. So God had it all planned..to make me suffer..to make me hold these memories in my heart but make me stronger...I know that God ended the relationship for us..because He knew that I was straying away from him and I needed to wake up and go back to Him.
I guess I miss the times of being loved...I missed the times of sweetness that was soo strong and overpowering that you could feel a glow shining from you...I used to think that nobody knew how much I loved my ex...but now I know that someone does...my sista...and maybe God gave me these experiences for me to share w my sista and comfort her and tell her that she's not alone..she's not the only one who loved till her heart dropped out...she is not alone...the pain she feels from her heart till her throat..was and is natural...
I love you sista..I'll always stand by you okay. Together..we'll make things work for the better and the foolish assholes whom have hurt us, will one day see that we have become stronger people adn that our lives have gone well even without them. I know we can do it.
Please dont tell me that Im in denial or over him etc...I know...I also know that everyone of us will never forget our 1st loves. We may end up hating them...but inside..we will always have a soft spot. All I know is that I cant bear to see my ex..with or without a girl by his side. I woudl rather think of him as dead..cause then I can retain my good memories of him :) So dont worry! :) I'll be fine. God has given me endless strength..that when Im weary...I can still tkae an extra step and an extra step..and move on.
LOVE
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