Haiz...

K dont nkow how to describe my behaviour...I seriously have a prob man...prob visit a shrink hahah Thinking abt what I wanna do next time and watever it is...just doesnt fit what I can do...seriously..I know I learnt alot at SSO and Im soo thankful for this chance..but if you ask me what I know moer abt myself..what I can do..I can tell you that I know mroe abt what i cant do. And its really frustrating...coz if I had a chance..Id love to do things that Im doing now...but I also know that If I dont change myself emotionally and mentally..there is no way I can survive...sigh..

Im soo thankful for God to give me people whom Ive come to befriend and have tried to help in one way or another. It warms me...

Not till now..have I really tried to see the work that I do as a way of showing God in me. That I should have pride in my work and try my absolute best in giving my best work...because God has given me more than enough capabilities to do so. And I feel like I cud hate myself and my chracter for being such a disregarder (if theres such a word) I could very easily hate myself! And the only thing that I like myself for..is music...simply...music and art n craft...
What my officer in SP said was true...when I get to SP Idol..the thing that I have to tahan..is not the make-up..not the attire..its the criticism...The judge's comments...the support of the fans...That will break me or make me...Something that I have to curb if I want to do it...courage and thick skin...
Was talking to my fren whom I met for lunch and she's amazed by how well I can hold my nerves when I host...Well...truth...I do get nervous..its before the event..when the show goes on, I lose my nerves and get on w confidence. In fact..I can truly say that...its a diff matetr when I sing and when I host. When I sing, I get very very very nervous...butterflies having war in my tummy k. When I give a speech..Im fighting nerves...when I do a play..Im in nerves... SOOO dont look at me like Im some super tough girl..Im not... I rememebr the last audition I did, I KNEW I was out because my throat was tight and my voice trembled...but the judge decided to let me sing another song..because he could tell that I could sing...And I gave it my HELL best...I sang and he played and by the mid of the song..it felt like we clicked...I sang to his piano while he played to my singing..impromptu baby! That was a HIGH...
Sooo..will I make it...dont nkow..really dont know...but I will tae what God gives me...

As I walked home...my mind was on an expressway...i felt myself jumping from thought to thought and I realized that this is what everybody is talking abt..abt me thinking too much. If I could verbalize all my thoughts...you'd be able to tell that I just cant stick to a topic for a few seconds. Its like how you're trying to find the name of the song you're hearing but you just cant seem to catch it in your head.. You have part of it, you have it att he tip of your tongue but you JUSt cant put it out. Thats how its like...or like how one fo those sci-fi movies or horror flicks show a person's eyes start flicking left to right repeatedly..very fast.. its like that...scary? YES!
I now understand what I did to my ex...im sorry bro...really....
It makes me feel ilke I have to cover my eyes to tune in and focus onw hatt he person in front is trying to say to me..coz..my eyes..catch onto something and Im into another topic...losing track of whatt he person wanted to say. ITS TERRIBLE! it will affect me and what I will do next time. I know my boss has tried to teach me how to control my thoughts but..its just runnign so fast that Im not even conscious abt it. One fo those roadrunner and coyote cartoons where the coyote tries to press the detonater when the roadrunner goes over the "X" but the roadrunner is soo fast that the coyote misses... SEE! SHIT!

And maybe Im soo determined on getting allt he content out that I dont pay attnetion to the details...Im sooo focused on getting what I feel out..that the punctuation and justification and capitals are all forgone just for that....sigh..and if so, would mean that everything I type..has to be typed real fast and printed and screened with a magnifying glass and X-ray vision..wat have you..just to point out EVERY SINGLE mistake I make in it....

I figure that I wud have to get a office cubicle that allows me to not get distracted by anything or anyone that walks past...so that I can focus on whats in front of me...I just thought of soemthing that whizzed past and now Ive forgotten abt it....wud this mean that Im gonna be good as a dj? Hahaha the fact that i think so bloody fast? Hahaha that means i can crap at bullet train speed? The next step of my improving..would be to screen my mind on what ive done for the past few months and think abt which faults of mine are the worst and how they can curbed..

My boss told me once that all muscians are emotional...my aunt said that our family blood has overflowing emotions in it..Id say...80% emotions and 20% blood cells...and that wud make me a lethal walking timebomb...which I truly feel so...but I trust I wudnt kill anyone or kill myself...
you know what the funny thing is..I always used to think that...when I was very young..I seldom cried...even when I got bullied...but it wasnt until sec sch..that I realized that I was more emotional...like my sadness bottle was full and any more wud result in spillage...like my emotions were all suddenly less controllable than last time. Maybe its all that maturity stuff...I used to tell myself when Iw as young..that I can take anything my dad or mum or whoever used to say...coz its really ntohign to cry abt and I didnt. Just after sec sch..I managed to psycho myself that Im strong..I can go through allt he constructive criticism and walk out...but in poly..thanks to a relationship..my emotions have been pulled down fromt eh back of the cupboard and the bottle uncapped and filled...sigh..Believe me when I say this...I trying very hard to put my bottles back int eh cupboard. And I knwo its bad but this time..a wall wud be quite handy hahahah Only bottle Id leave outside..HAPPINESS...

ANother funny part abt this....this is the only place that I erally own up to everything...I guaranttee to you that whoever you are (my best fren or family) Getting me to telly ou all this in person..face to face...wud be harder than now. Right now..my fingers are typing none stop and whatever it is that I feel, is typed. Only God knows why My fingers dont cramp up and ache.

K enough crap... any of you achign for comics...Liberty Meadow and Pearls Before Swine are good by my opinion..no-brainers...Comics.com

LOVE