God has a very funny way of making ur life work out..then placing something in thta wud take ur smooth sailing forward like into a rollercoaster backward flip or u-turn...I guess its a test really...
Was w a fren last night...she's been w me for years and everything that has happened to me...has been depicted to her, she knows my entire history...yesteray..she was telling me abt her own probs and it brought bacl loads of memories or feeelings...i used everything i cud rememebr to help her...no doubt at my expense in a way....coz byt he time i went to sleep..i felt a sort of lifelessness before i slept. But..funny. i dont regret talking abt it...i dont regret talking abt memories that wud at first...make me smile....the only irony is that such memeories wud give me a sweet sour feeling..or love-hate...
Met another fren int eh morning for basketball...he told me abt his relatives going through difficult times because of certain difficult relatives...he's indian...Why sorta led me tot hink....why do I hear of soo many indians who end up in such a state? Mind you..Im not looking down indians in general here...im just sad for those indians thta have to suffer coz of these particular ingrates. In my race...I wud also see the same thing really.....the thing is..there is no diff between indian n chinese n malay. We all have our plus points...really....Its sad....
The funny part where God decideds to throw me a curve ball, is when my ex smses me while Im w my sista. Didnt recognise his number till this morning and I cud only exclaim at the ridiculousness that he wud sms me. Haiz....through out the sms conversation..i felt like i was answering in a way that i wud if a someone i didnt like asked me...without emotion. Not that I dont have emotions...no happiness...just..heck care. I know I was mean...I suggested that his cousin bro n his wife gof or the botanic gardens. As for him...part of me wants to meet him...eyt the other part of me knows that to meet him wud be to dig my own grave again..wud bring back everything ive accepted. Like i said....everytime we accept something against our wishes...a part of us dies. I dont want to think abt how my life wud be int he future....love life i mean...I just want to find a job that i love, to do things i havnt done before and always wanted to do...and hopefully....when the time comes..someone wud then come by and make me give in my 200% again...because for now..I dont think I can give in my 200% to anyone.
Soooo...God, Im gonna take this as a test...Im gonna take it as a pit of fire that I have to cross...If it isnt (which i tremble to consider) please dont torture me anymore. enough is enough....
love
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