I hate this!!!

I few days ago, Id haveb een able to advise anyone on their relationship probs..console them...Now, Im stuck in my own pit. For the pastf ew days, Ive sink back into an endless pit that Ive tried so desperately to overcome and today...I was the same...

Because of what had happened..Ive realized that Ive stayed away from a few things...certain movies..certain songs..etc...but also..Malaysia. Before I go any further...let me apologize to all my "malaysia boleh" frens...Let me explain.

Was watching Asha Gill's 6 degress show (i think thats what they call it) and she was in Malaysia. The night lights, music, people..etc..all glorious! Everything good and everything fun...only that I wudnt dare are bear to step inside Malaysia or KL to see it. Dare I say that I hate Malaysia? No... Dare I say that I dont like Malaysia? No...Dare I say that I resent Malaysia? Yes...abit...I dare say that Malaysia is a place that I wud love to go and have fun in...to dance...to slack...to walk around..to have a holiday! Except...it brings to mind sooo many memories that I wudnt dare to step in there and have fun...for fear I wud cry....esp at night.
And what sucks is....I dont want to feel this! How can I let one single incident make me feel sooo much against a country? Yet...Malaysia..symbolizes everything I want to have yet I cant. Its not that i hate Singapore k. I love Singapore!

I thought to myself abt what makes Singaporeans the way they are...n Malaysians the wayt hey are...both gd-looking, beautiful and yet..very smart n fun-loving. Why do Malaysians have such a sense of positivity, sense of fun n dance n music, sense of racial harmony...yet! Singapore that is just "next door" can often be racial tolerant or silent/subsurface racists... Yes..I still hurt...yes..Im brooding over things again. Yimes like these Im glad my ex doesnt read all this. Makes me sound like a over-persistent, stubborn, love-sick idiot. :( Dare I say I hate myself for this? Yes...

Time and time again...I see the ugliness of my own race...my dad, my cousin, (who knows whoelse in my family is racist...silent racist), my frens (one or two)...its dissappointing n deeply disturbing...makes my blood boil n heart break. :( I guess Singapore never changes...whether you want it to or not.

You know..Im starting tot hink...that maybe I'll be racist too! hahahahaagainst my own race hahahahSpoke to my old frenwhen we met up on new years day this year...we were talking abt how I like Indian guys n she likes malay ones hahah (she's chinese) we both agreed that chinese guys in spore..just dont have...the built...the looks...the brains...n the talent...hahahahaha K well the ones we know that is. By indian guys..I mean...properly brought up indians as appose to indian ah bengs. LIkewise for the chinese.

BTW! Funny story! Hahahahaha Was talking to this colleague of mine and he's indian muslim. He's quite old w grandsons n all n Iw as trying to speak to him in tamil (not knowing he knows more malay) He was surprised that Id know tamil and when I told him I had indian frens, he asked me if I had an indian bf as well hahahahah (HAD) Yep! I HAD 1! hahahaha we talked abt how he converses more in malay n english than tamil and all of a sudden, he recommends that I go to indonesia. Why? Coz there are lot of pple there w Pakistani heritage! Hahahaha I asked him why and the only response I got from him is, " Handsome! Handsome!" Wahahahahahahahaha Yeah I was caught off guard on that hahahaha but I guess he saw how interested Iw as int he indian culture n lang. My colleagues shake their heads when they hear me exclaim to a gd bhangra song wahahahahha Coz im soo much of an indian hahahha Yet..how many of them actually feel a sense of discomfort or wrong in my loving the indian culture? Dont know! Dont wanna find out! What does it matter? Like I told my fren today...I wud be just as chinese even if I wasnt indian influenced...my chinese is as rotten...but even now..I do listen to chinese music. Thanks Marican! I'll take ur suggestion on going to Indo if and when I feel like spiteing my dad to his death. Yes DAD! I LIED! I DIDNT go to sch to play basketball today! I went CLUBBING! In the MORNING!!! Even BEFORE the clubs open!!!! My frens are ALL INDIAN and they DRINK N SMOKE N HANKY PANKY (This comment is in pit of anger and sarcasm to my dad's racist comment...no insults intended)

Anyway..I know Im rambling..and some of you mgiht already feel like Im close from getting over thigns (i think youre right) this is me....someone who threw her heart away..too far...now she's having a prob catching it back...God help us all...Today...I feel like a bitch n am PMSing

SHRUGS!

LOVE