Hmm God...show me...

Once again, Im reminded of my ex hahaha really man! Its just happening so frequently these days Im almost certain Id get an sms from him...not because he wants to...but because God wills it so.

Have faith in God and whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it and it will be yours. Mark 11.22,24

Really? I dotn mean to doubt His word...but what if our requests are made in our own human iniquity? hmm One of my frens asked me whether I know some one who lives in woodlands hahahha like DUH i know! whoelse! Hahahahaha sigh....why ah? Why God? Why remind me about all these things? Is it test time? That I am given mini emotional trials to build myself up to fight the real thing? Or is it coz you intend to fulfill my requests? Just teasing me with bits of it?

If I truly request and believe....would you really give me whatever i ask for? I know I shouldnt doubt you God. I believ that if you wanted to, you could bring the whole sky down..you'd opent he earth..root up trees and bring love to everyone and rid poverty...but why would you answer my prayer when its something I ask for selfishly?


Im waiting for sunday church...coz I believe that God will answer my questions there...somehow everything the pastor says..always seems to answer my queries...just that this question I have...is one that istn easily convincable...I hope to get the answer and my conviction once and for all...

As for my ex...I havnt spoken to him for ages and honestly..I somehow think he's really moved on hahaha and its a pity..sigh

Anyway..today...my temper got the better of me...I must admit I felt very bad after that...dont want my temper to be like that anymore...im getting on my own nerves. normally i can take stupid questions..butt he past efw days...my temper shot up sky high and one silly comment was enough to make my face red...Im ready to blow...

Haiz....I wish I knew what God had in mind...I wish I did...

Gym tomorrow...study kindermusik...Gotta keep my focus!

LOVE

let me not be dependent on my frens

Soo many times I find myself getting frustrated over my fren's actions and it irks me coz as a fren, I shudnt be this way. So when something happens that irritates me...I keep my thoughts to myself and tell myself to shove it away. My frens dont deserve to be treated that way coz they are very nice people and I care for them. sigh..I hope to one day not depend ont hem soo much...or I will be even nastier...coz I cant change the people around me...I can only change myself...

Which could mean taking up smoking and turning up for meetups late...

Honestly..my mood has turned for the worse so I dont even know what I mean here...Abit like Dr Jekyll and Dr Hyde...my evil head pokes its head out for abit of fun. The hidden bitch..the hidden witch..why? coz the normal ning is physically and mentally drained to tell her ugly ning to shove a shoe up her mouth..or even do it herself! Sooo here is the witch (women + bitch) answering all redundant questions with a barrel of sarcasm!

To my honest and good natured sistas and bros, this entry is censored (abit too late to say it) I have contaminated the good image of me. Hmm wonder if my uncle is reading this..or my auntie and cousins. Hmmm Sorry guys...I'll try to hold my tongue

LOVE

Aaarrgghhh stress!!!

Loads of work to do today that its just not funny sia! Im worried of getting as stressed as my colleagues...and Im worried of repeating my ways. I dont want to be depressed by my contant sensitivity to people's preception of me...It will kill me. Today my colleague gave me this poster..she'll be leving next week and Im gonna miss her alot! It talks about making mistakes, admittting them and not repeating them...

But I know that God is there for me and I will keep reminding myself to stay strong and do my best!

LOVE

Wat the! ..okay...so be it

I believe that theres no point in me asking people abt soethign I already know abt them. if they wont tell then so be it. Im fine. I take it as somethign Im not meant to know and leave it as it is. I'll keep my eyes closed and ears closed...not until the person says it, will I do, " oh really?" Hypocritical? Not really....

Anyway..learnt abt some stuff today that got me thinking..cant tell you what coz as it is, Its top secret..Id have to kill you if I told you. In fact I shud be killed for knowing. So why trouble everyone? let God bring me to a land of peace...

For the past few days...I've been praying for guidance...praying for faith...I know that God loves me and listens to all my troubles. He hears my thoughts and knows how I feel. But he also knows that things are done for a good or bad reason and If I were to pray for a group of boys to be shot dead along orchard road, I doubt He would do it. Coz its just wrong! But not every wish can be placed either on the black or white part...alot of these thigns that we pray for, are grey. We pray in jealousy, in anger, in vengence, in pride, in sin etc..and it makes me doubt myself on whether my prayers do get answered...since they are so filthy in men's own human desires. Come on! Test yourself! How many prayers do you pray that has all earnest good for mankind instead of yourself? Not many! And Im not counting in teh real christians! Those who truly love God and depend solely on Him for salvation. I have problem believing myself! Sad..but this is the honest truth! So....God, let not my will be done..but yours...I submit to your road for the belief that I am too unwise to decide which way is better. I know your road willbe fraught with troubles and trials but I accept it..I cant guarante that I will pass all of it...but I will try my best.

Guys..I knwo Ive changed alot since poly or the last you've seen me...and maybe some of you arent comfortable at all at my mention of God ...but...it is me....I am still Ning...and I still care for you guys...

gotta go. Take care dudes

LOVE

Wohooo! Old pictures!

I wont say Im lucky coz Im not! I'll say that God had it all planned! I rumaged through my old stuff and found an old photo album! It contained pictures of me and some of my bros at Sentosa! Hahahah The day we met the dreaded michelle! The one who hugged one of my bros till he turned white! And the one who tried to pull down my ex's shorts and scared my ex to a corner of the beach hahahah SOOOO FUNNNYYY! I cant help but smile man! I dont know why everything led to me finding it and i know you guys will be telling me not to think too much into it...but I cant help but say...God is behind all this! Dont wanna assume so I'll leave it as that!

Anyway..time to go off. tok later!

Loving you and praying for you!

LOVE

KUMAR! I got his autograph!

Kumar has gained respect from me! He isnt a drag queen coz he wants the attention..he's very very real as a person! He's true to himself and I love him for it! it takes alot of guts man! PLUS, he's a really good comedian! Good at what he does!

Today was a tough day coz Im getting stressed byt eh seemingly heavy workload...reason why I say seemingly..is coz I know its huge but I havent gottent he mother load yet. My school is looking for full-timers and Im seriously considering it...if I do go in..Id be a management support officer.

Anyway..wanna do my kindermusik too. if I do condier this job, Id have to put deejaying aside...sigh...whatever it is...I know i have to let God lead me.

Hope all of you are fine...Im praying for you guys man! To my akkas and tankachis, I MISS YOU! Lets go to SPGG for a fun time!!!

LOVE

Rooaarrrr! Lie to my bros or sisters and you'll die!

I'll yell at him till he bleeds from the nose! I'll wring his neck till his head pops off! I'll kick him where it hurts most! and make sure he loses his fatherhood! All this anger without saying the F word! But you know what could be worse? Leaving God to punsih him! Coz I can be stopped..if someone punches my lights out or holds me down...but God cant be stopped! He has power that surpasses any other! I'll leave to God and let my anger subside..coz its no point getting angry.

Today was good! 100 arm side weight lifting and 100 of "i have no idea what they're called"s. my arms are sore but Im happy! :P I feel great now! hahahahahah Muahahahah

You know what i realized? That regardless of my probs with money and career...I feel relaxed...worried when i first think of it...but after awhile...Im ok! I think its coz I know God is behind all this adn he has something great in store for me!

Im more worried abt my bro who has his educational prob..somehting that isnt easy to solve...Im praying for him lah. Poor bro! I guess amongst all bros,, he's the closest to me hahaafterall thanks to him, Im in church again...I believe that God loves him alot and will make sure he lives well.

Hmm question! If you were going from point A to point B..you come across an escalator ont eh way..which direction wud it be going? up or down? If you were leaving a place and you see an escalator, which way would it be moving? Why? Hmm I got an answer to it but its abit diff from what you think...haha let me know your answer coz its very interesting when I hear a diff answer :)

k gotta go. love you!

LOVE

Today's sermon

Seems alot like what I heard last week actually...which was good! Coz my bro hadnt heard it and so he didint miss much last week. But this week...I felt as if I really wanted to find out certain stuff...Like how it happened last week, I thought to God to answer my questions...when is it that we get our prayers answered? Its so easy to demand for something that its against God's agreement...

But you now what...I realize that God is such a good God who only wants us to be happy..that He would grant us our wishes..The bible doesnt say, "ask and ye shalt receive..except for this and that..." it says..."Ask and ye shalt receive" PERIOD! But this is given to those who believe in God..those who live righteously...who do not live by the law (abit contradicting but I'll explain soon)

Prob is...sometimes God wants us to wait for our prayers to be answered...WAIT...As my pastor said, God is a God who adores us..so why make us wait? because He wants to mould our character until it is ready to receive the blessing 1st...before lettting us have it. Its like how a parent would withhold us from eating our candies..until we are done with dinner..to eat them..or how our parents would prevent us from doing certain stuff until we are ready to handle them... This was exactly what I thought was the reason for my ex and I to break up actually...coz I wasnt ready...I know one of my bros has been waiting for 5 years..for his ex to return to her..they both still love each other and it warms my heart to see 2 pple loving each other for so long...I pray for thei reunion again. I have faith in it! As for mine...I know that I can not confirm how my ex is like now and somethigns tell me that he has changed...yet alot of things have happened that tells me that he will back. Even God gave me signs...never once has He allowed my love for this guy depreciate..If God wanted to, He could have given me someone else a long time ago. After all He controls everything... But He hasnt...

I know 99.9% of my frens reading this..will be scorning or smacking their heads for my silliness...Guys...Im not making this up..nor am I overcome by grief...or am I in a hormaonal staeg that makes me feel emotinal etc..Im not. I just know that nothign happens for no reason.
If my ex reads this..I still believe in us. I still believe. The prob with me now...is to get on a firm ground with God, establish my place in Heaven...because until I do so, God will never think that Im ready for such blessings. I dont wanna lose God again.

I can feel a half of me saying that Im foolish...but I now my God. I know that as long as my sights are on Him and He is the thing I esteem most...that He would answer all my prayers...because that is His promise. Blind Faith of God's love. But i can say that Im blinded by God's love because there is a negative connotation to that...as if God would cheat me of my trust in Him...God would never dissappoint those who have faith in Him.

So God, I cast my worries onto you. My job worries, my singing worries, my relationship worries...everything...I'll put them all in a box, seal the top and pass them to you. Coz without you, I am powerless...without you, I can do nothing. In fact...if I should do things by my own strength...I will surely fail. But if I pray to you and cast my frustrations unto you...I shall surely soar over the trials...coz int eh hard times...the footprints that I see on ythe beach...are yours. You carry me on your shoulders through my trials.

I used to think that trials were created by God...in fact..they are created by Satan. Satan creates teh trials and troubles...but without God's permission...even Satan has no power to do anything. Satan will never be stronger than God. NEVER! Thus not rials will ever be too high for you to overcome when you let God bring you over it.

Lastly...I heard this today...my pastor talked about this girl with such innocent and pure faith in God that she said, "I used to answer the door whenever someone came, but now, I let God answer the door." The pastor said, when we are scared...let us put our faith in God and let Him go into that scary place first...

To those I love, I believe that God is protecting all of you now...because He knows that I pray for your safety and happiness.

LOVE

What scum of earth

Hmmpphh just thinking abt it makes my blood boil man!

There are 3 types of scums on this earth:
- The cheaters
- The abusers
- The F**kers

Scuse my french but its true...I'm quite amazed by their thinkings...Wanna grab one, slice their brains apart ands see whats in it. let me guess....porn mag, lies, plots and bad childhood memories...

Im fed up by them...esp if they hurt those I care for...makes my blood boil and hand curl into a fist...Now I know how hard it is to restrain yourself and keep telling urself that you should let God do the revenge-taking business coz his is the most lethal and safest for all of us...its a trial all together...I can soo easy hatch a plan to get back at that idiot...who has alot of my frens in trouble..but I wont. In fact..just thinking abt those plans ...feels like something slowly taking over me..its vaguely scary..like Satan..talking to me and Im slowly agreeing...Sinful...

Speaking of God, Im surprisingly getting excited over going to church tomorrow! I guess I wanna go there and feel safe and assured and renewed...Just today, I was tricked into sitting down with a guy who kept me for 2 hrs to explain Multi-level marketing to me. He wanted me to join him and his gang and earn thousands a month. Tempting idea if you look at the figures...but...somethign abt that place and tat kind of business made me uneasy...And as I looked aroudnt he office..what i wasnt impressed with..were his awards and pics...What I was looking for...was God's recognition of this man. Was he a christian? I wasnt surprised that he wasnt... Anyway..Ive put that in God's hands...All I know is...I dont wanna only for the money...

Today was fruitful...cleared ALOT of my postcards! Waahahahaha 2/3 of it gone. Still feels like a factory in here...But time will soon come... Godzilla is knocking on my door and Im trying to keep it out...haiz.....

You know..amongst allt eh uncertainty I feel...Im very glad that i have God gecause knowing he's here for me...makes me less worried..I know He will carry me through my bad times! i sincerely hope you guys have such assurance too.

Gonna go now.. I pray for all of you..even the idiots...

LOVE

Good day!

Today is a realli good day hahaha had loads of fun w my fren wenqi man! hahah so proud of her for doing such a good job in hosting and Im thinking that there will be more of such stuff for her :)

Got another contact for events and Im really wondering if I can succeed int he freelance hosting world. chances are...I cant...but I'll try my best man!

I'll try for my radio and I'll try for hosting!

Anyway ive started to cut down on carbo...less rice and less bread..etc I know its not good lah but hey man! I wanna tone up! 100 dumbell lifts? Hahahah maybe hahaha

Im very glad that God has given me soo much to be happy about in this world...aside fromt he worldly things :)

In fact, after church, Ive never thought about the failure in Spore Idol anymore. There are otehr things to do. :)

LOVE

Its been awhile....staind

K had to check my blog to see when I last blogged...seems like the Lord's Day...which means Ive got alot to say...

Been doing some musical training for the past few days...strenuous exercise that has rendered my legs close to butter hahah for the past few days, Ive come home tired..barely able to keep on my 2 feet...fell asleep on the computer also hahaha but its all worth it. I learnt that Babes Condes is a very nice lady and that she's a christian. She is an inspiration to me man! I sooo wanna be like her! Hahahaha

God has been so generous to me...

Alot that I need to do...God give me stength and hope and faith.

To all those I love, I STILL love you hahaha and you are in my heart. :)

LOVE

:) Today's sermon was MEANT for me!

What can I say? Ive suddnely become the most emotional person hahaha teared abt 4-5 times in church hahaha all happy tears by the way! Why? Simple! I felt God answering my queries, answering to my troubles and best of all, comforting me!

I admit that I wasnt that okay when I got home yesterday night. In fact when one of my sistas called me, she could tell I was crying...her reaction, "shit..." Hahahaha very endearing hahaha Thats why I took a break from everything and slept early.

I woke up in the morning feeling as if the whole Idol thing was a dream man! But that didnt last fro long coz by the time I was on my way to church, My brain went back to that again and I kept trying to tune my mind off that. I wasnt scolding myself...Iw as more like scolding Satan for making me think of it and not letting go. But you know what? I told myself that its Sunday...a day for God...so I had to tune my head off it. but you know what worked? when I stepped into the christian bookshop. Im not being crazy or radical...I didnt go in and literally come out with a psyched up mind and crazy broad smiel or what..I just went in because I was early...wasnt looking for something in particular...but when I came out...I was refreshed! I didnt expect it but I was! Cleared off Spore Idol!

Then as I waited for an hour in the queue...my mind started to wander again and I couldnt even concentrate on my bible...Then what worked the best...was the sermon...

My pastor being the lamest pastor Ive ever seen, was preaching about trials and tribulations...how in the valley of tribulation, there is a door of hope. he explains that tribualtions leads to perseverance, leads to charcter, leads to hope, leads to faith and then to grace. Sow e shouldnt see trouble as trouble...but as a way to be better christian. He explined how Hope in the bible is defined as confident expectancy. it isnt the "I hope so" that we all use. In fact, its more like, " I KNOW so" As I heard this, I was thinking to myself, "so whats the diff between faith and hope?" I thought about it and was mentally asking the pastor this...I sorta knew that God would help me pass ont he message...sure enough! He did explain it! In fact everything Iw as thinking to myself...came out! Faith is the substance of thigns hoped for. the analogy givent o us was that Hope was the mast of teh boat and Faith was the wind. Hope is the assurance even before the thing comes or occurs..hope in things that have yet to occur.

I know Idol was a trial and honestly I know I failed in a few things because of this...one is that ive dissappointed those who believe in me..and the other..is my faith in God.... But I knew in my heart that if I dont succeed, it could mean 2 things..one is that I didnt believe in God that He'd carry me through and I depended on my own strength...and the other is that much to my beliefs, God just didnt think that it was a good idea for me to be an idol! So Im fine either way coz I know that the door is closed and I have a better route to go. Like I said in the interview, "This is just a door thats closed on me, I have my life to live."

Another part of the sermon touched on God's love for us and our faith and hope in him. How we must believe in Him wholeheartedly and He will never dissappoint. No doubts! He will NEVER dissappoint. Which sorta brings ervybody's hopes up, including mine! What if God never had a plan to let me lead that way and I insist! Theres no doubts! I will nto be dissappointed! To gain Hope, we need to read the Word Of Bible and listen to the Word Of God. Ie: Read teh bible and listen to sermons..

The last bit...that it is never too late to believe in God...you are only late when God comes again. And you are never too sinfult o be loved by God because even the sinful people in the Bible have become people who have been blessed by God...eg: Bathsheba, Ruth and Rahab.
All thse legendary women were not teh best egs of women, status rise. One of them was a prostitute and another was from a cursed nationality (i think ) and yet! They were part of the line that came down to Jesus. They played a part so huge that if not for them, Jesus wouldn't even be born! God loves everyone including sinners!Thats why He sent His son down to save us! Prob with us is that we dont reciprocate this love. Due to sin...some of us dont know God at all, some of us know Him but are driven away from Him becuse of Satan. So long as you believe in Jesus, you will be saved!

John 3:16
For God so loved the woold that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in Him (Jesus), Shall not perish , but have everlasting life.

I came out of the hall, clear-minded. My Idol worries have now dissappeared and I dont consider it as a lose anymore. Coz it means God has better plans for me!

Today, I really felt that God did talk to me. He knows I was sad and troubled about my future. What else could I do but sing? He knows Im doubting my future and He's telling me not to worry because with HOPE, I can accomplish anything I want. Because He is there! We are safe in His arms. With Him, everything that we think has risk...doesnt have risks...its all safe.

The prob with me now, is my self-condemnation and my lack of vision...somethign I have to get rid of before it takes me further away from God...

To all I love, Im praying for you. :) Im fine okay. Dont worry for me. I have God!

LOVE

The verdict

So Im out. :/...Im sorry guys...Ive disappointed you guys...Ive disappointed myself and my bro and am unable to fulfill a promise I made years ago...

Makes me think about what to do with my life if I dont ever get a chance to sing...as a living i mean...God has once again closed the door for singing...

I nkow Im gonna get over it soon...just that at this moment...my drive for singing has gone down. The songbird will take a break for now.

I do accept the fact that I didnt dress up for the audition and I guess I lose sight of the factt hat Spore Idol is afterall a commercial thing...image matters more than the talent at times...most of the times. Will i ever come back? Emm...I'll think twice. Once bitten twice shy.

But really....what else can I do but sing? Singing is afterall my passion...the 1st passion I have. If I cant live by that..it sorta takes the fun out of it...living i mean hahahaha Didnt cry till i reached home...coz i know that if I started, I wouldnt stop.

Amazingly, my ex smsed me today and asked abt it without even knowing it was today...We exchanged a few smses and its been awhile since I actually honestly spoke to him...

Anyway now...my mood isnt very bad but its also not fantastic....so give me a few days grace yah and I'll tell you abt it next time.

As for my bro...Im really sorry bro...Im sooo sorry that things didnt work. I know I'll get well soon..how soon I dont know but you should nkow how I am at these things...

To my dear dear tankachi, rememebr how you brought me tot eh back of the sch to cry after my sch talentime? I need that now sis...

To you all, your support is my strength.

Tom's plan, to go to church early, ask for forgiveness of neglecting God and pray for strength...No matter how bad my life goes, I will always haev God with me. I will always trust him and not blame him. All I can do is blame myself.

LOVE

...

Bro..I wish you were here...I wish you could hold that banner for me again ad this time, I'll do you proud...I fulfilling your wish bro...Im trying to do something with my voice...This is your last wish and I'll do it...for you, for myself and for everyone else I love...

LOVE

pre-audition woes

After last night's comments. Im alot better now. :) Just got back from a mini get together w my frens and its time to get ready for the moment...

As usual, Im getting the jitterbugs and its killing me...it really is killing me man! I never felt so nervous than the last time I went for a talentime...I trembled and I couldnt stand up...sadly I still had someone to support me at that time...as in my ex. Today...its someone else...God. To be honest, my faith is dwindling now...it is coz...its human nature...I need tog et that out of my head...I need to...this would be my trial today. To place God in my heart as I face my fears...

Phill 3:14
I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.

LOVE

.....mine family...is lifeless

Hmm I think it runs in the family...an unhappy family never showers pride on each other (even if they are proud), it never says good things...(even if they are happy)...

I dont know what to say..for the past few weeks Ive complained about how idol is so commercialized that you need 5 supporters min...but to think abt it..the enarer I am to tomorrow, the more I wished more pple wud come...esp those that matter...sad to say...those that do matter...are not really gonnab e able to make it...sad...somehow.and I hate to say this....coz it makes me sound like some self-absorbant twerp...I wished they could put things down for awhile and help me..but nvm..everybody has their own things to do and I have mine...esp on a saturday...I assume that week days will be worse..Ive got a fren who went with no one and I knew that they were nervous...I was only glad to be there...

Allow me to be that pricky self-absorbant twerp for now will yah? Im freaking out here....
K well let me explain why I say that my immediate family has little motions to show...I know they feel it..they just dont show it and i guess Im slowly becoming like one of them too...I told my mum that I got in and the 1st thing she asked me was, "Why you do and join?" amazingly enough...witht eh lack of communication between my dad and mum, my dad said the same thing! At a different time and different place, without knowing my mum said it. I must now be a good christian girl and tell myself not to be angry..because they are only concerned and I would assume worried that I might get over the top with this and fall deeper...Which is possible...
But then who doesnt climb up a ladder fearing of falling? If so, should we stop climbing ladders? takign risks?

If I told my dad that I was jobless and finding crazy things to do like a musical, Sp Idol, Kindermusik and freelance compering and singing..would he freak out? Like I always say, he would flip a hundred cartwheels around the house. He would!!! And I dont need to ask to know. Of course thats why Ive suppressed so many dreams for so long. My music never went pass my songwriting books, my mp3 player and my close frens...Ive never gone clubbing till now, Ive never stayed over at a frens place till this year and I ...Ive had lots to hide. To be honest..Id call myself an avid liar...no diff between a white lie or a black or grey or blue or red or green...alls a lie. And Id honestly get worried if my dad read this hahaha but well...all is to come out soon right? I only wish that when it does, he would just try to understand....
I dont know if anyone knows me well enough but only a handfull do....those who do..knwo that i can never be someone who sits still..I need to do crazy and undone things allt eh time. I need to learn new stuff..I need action or excitement...I cudnt be satisfied with a 9-5 job...Which is a minus for me because that means alot of jobs dont fit me....
So now Im mentally drained..practiced abit adn ym voice is next to hoarse...I dont know who's coming tom...coz I didnt want to hope...its easy to hope people will be there and they end up not going..it better to just leave thigns open and see who comes adn thank God for them. Not to mention my biggest support...God. Tomorrow I sing for Him...I must rememebr that! I must sing for Him! Coz He would always be there... :)

Btw...my mum might not be able to come coz she's gotta stay and wait for the ironing lady to come and iron our clothes. She cant askt eh lady to come on sunday coz she wants to go to my grandma's place tom and my dad doesnt ilke the lady to come on sundays...So I guess its either one comes or teh other. I dont know...i rememeber them coming for my graduation...I know my dad was proud of me..but when my director asked him what they did to raise me to who I am, he said, "Now I know why she's so stubborn."..granted he's proud of me yet trying to be funny. I do that too...But you know, I left that day with out a family pic like my other frens and best of all, it didnt hit me till I got home. I didnt feelt eh urge to captre such a moment. Graduation was JUST graduation to me at that point! Like wise for the play I acted in. I cried when I received the card they and my sis gave me..But 1000bux says that my sis bought the card and the flower! She was the one who herded the family over to my school and I love her for it..for coordinating everything...

So there! My family...lifeless, expressionless onyl in anger. We are all hiding our feelings...if I cant even show my feelings to my family..wats there to show to my frens? How can I break out from a skill Ive honed since I was born...so easily? Only God knows me..Only God knows me like an open book..literally!

So IM done with my self-absorbant twerpiness...I pray for forgiveness for my arrogance and sillyness and childishness...and I ask for support and love and strength from God...grant that He gives me that chance to be on stage.

Btw, Im almost done with To Kill A Mockingbird and Ive grown to love it soo much...it is a book I will always treasure because it reflects what I love and hate...Harper Lee you rock!

Pray fro me guys....

LOVE

Im a sister and Im proud of it hahahaha!

God has spared me the trials and Im glad coz I realize that theres nothing more for me to be than sister to all the guys I know hahaha. So be it man! God given!

Speaking of which, one of my bros is in deep shit now and I worried coz much as we all know this...he got himself into too shit and its pointlessw to wiggle out of it now. I wanna help him but I have my own future to think off...utterly selfish of me considering God has always helped me through my life. Today he provided mw tih pocket money. :) God is the provider and its soooo hard to cast my worries onto him...irony coz amongts everybody that I know...He is the most powerful. God..help me to depend on you...help me to think of you...

The past few days have been a challenge and Im very sure I failed hahaha very very sure. Part of being a human sia hahaha But I know what i have to do now...keep my eyes on God and Jesus :)

Just told my dad abt the Idol thing and the 1st thing he asked was why I wanted to join. He seems okay with the thing actually and I know that I will have to give everyone my 200%. Which means I gotta start practicing lah..sigh...time to think of which songs to sing hahaha fellow competitor's audition date is tom morn and Im hoping he gets tot eh next round :) So I can have a fren to accompany if I get through too. My ex colleagues are bettingt hat i get to top10 :P

Sooo its back to real life! Love you all!

LOVE

Woohhhh

K still tripping...Cal and I are still tripping over hot bods today hahahaha.

A sista's borthday today so I took some time off to surprise her and he bumped into quite a few nice looking guys. Alike yesterday, I tried to keep my cool...hahah got a number from one of them because I was interested in their job and since they have a vacancy, I'm quite game to try out.

For the past few days, my life has done on a rollercoaster..soo many new thigns to do, soo many things I can try...I wanna do them all actually...But you know what's stopping me? My family....I knwo that if I take on all this, I would have to either sacrifice my "frens time" or my "family time" and I want both. I want to try all this stuff but I also know that if I were to tell my dad and mum abt all this, I would get a shelling...and Im not getting young anymore..nor are my parents...So this is how it feels like to want everything and yet cant do it...

Anyway...as i ponder through my options...and crack my head...

love you guys! My judgement day is now this sat 4pm..HELP!

LOVE

Emm God...y?

Soo today, God gave me another test...Met this really nice indian guy at a restuarant. he was the waiter and his service was beyond anything Ive ever seen...Commendable man! Its like He cared about every guest like family....He works my his motto...I was sooo impressed...but what made me look at him..was because he reminded me of someone whom I'm still trying to get over...I had to laugh when I found out he was malaysian...pity he's not from seremban coz then Id drop from my chair laughing...But the fact that he's malaysian...much as it was funny, it was something I knew even before finding out. Theres something about malaysian indian guys...dont know what but..I know it....
As I walked around..I kept thinking about it...I know tis a test and I guess I've failed again... Once again...I have a sneaking suspicion that crossing this hurdle would be the biggest thing for me. If I can get over it....I know I have the will to overcome many things...

Dont nkow why but I suddenly thought about the things that I've done since I broke with my ex...ALOT of things have happened....one of which is that Ive become more active in making my life an exciting one...Aikido, performing, compering....everyone has been soo supportive...so gungho for me...weird....

God...let your will be done....just dont keep me int eh dark about why...

God I failed today's test today but I know I will pass the rest..and God, I know I will pass the exam.

LOVE

league of extraordinary gentlemen

Captain Nemo: from 20,000leagues under the sea. His name is latin for no one/ nobody or fish
Dorian Gray: Immortal
Mrs ? : (cant remember her name) Vampire
Skinner: Invisible Man
Alan Quartermain: Hero from Solomon's Mines
Mr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde: The known scientist who drank his potion and became Hyde
Tom Sawyer: dont now much abt him hahaha but nkow his name haha

The movie was splendid and the effects were majestic man! Abit like LOTR..only LOTR was better. I watched this w my ex...and didnt get a chance to finish it coz we didnt have time...so finally caught it today. Excellent!

In my opinion, Sean Connery is still up there! next is Antonio Banderas Wohoo! Hot!

K got jen's testi to do hahaha (no pun intended) hahaha ciaos peeps!

MON, 20 MARCH SHOW DOWN!

God's day...

K God speed and I got there around time. Notice that I didnt say on time...

Todays speech revolved around one thing...the riches we have. As humans, we have a tendency to be unsatisfied witht he things we have. We keep asking for more. Fame, prosperity etc...The pastor wanted us to know that God is a god who loves us and would never short change us in blessings. he would giev as many to us as possible...but heres the catch...He doesnt want us to be controlled by our posessions. So many people are controlled by their riches and goods and love and many many things..that...they lose sight of whats most important...God.

In fact the greatest riches have already been given to us. That is Jesus. God's prized posession has been sacrificed for us...He gave his only son! We shouldnt be blinded by the earthly posessions and forget that the real riches is right here, in our hearts! In fact so many of us still pray to God and Jesus TO get richer etc.

The pastor stresses that its not wrong to have riches and etc...its just wrong to let them control us. In my opinion...to get controlled by anything on earth...is idolatry. even if its your own spouse. Not to say that you shouldnt find someoen to love, get married and start a family etc...in fact, God would love to see you happy...just that He doesnt want you to lose sight of Him. Because only by believeing in Jesus Christ....would you gain a way to heaven.

On a personal note, I spoke to a friend few nights back and He shared with me on His love to his ex girlfriend. His comments were touching...something I never thought Id ever see in a guy... I never thought a guy could love someone so deeply that he'd wait for her for sooo many years...It wamrs my heart and gives new hope to the words, "true love" In fact, I pray for him and this girl to be together again...by God's grace. I defintiely believe that God has heard my prayer and is now slowly bringing them back together. Like I said...Im rooting for you bro! I really am! Never underestimate the power of prayer! But aside fromt hat, i did tell him abit about my story. I told him about how I too love a person..someone whom might cost me as many years to forget...or not at all. My bro said that I'd never know if things will turn for the better...
But you know what? At that point of time..what can I say but that I knew it wouldnt be that easy. God took me a way from this relationship for His reasons...one of which...was to prevent me from straying away from Him. He knew that te deeper I got into this relationship, the worse my faith would be. It being my first..the heart took more control and it took more power subduing it. So I know that God does not plan to see me with my ex for now...unless I can conquer my own faith...
So I know why God has given me this hard path to walk...and I even appreciate His plan...though it is painful and sad at times...I still believe Him. Ive changed so much since my last relationship and all of it has been for the better. God gave me a new drive for life, a new sense of hope, a new level of confidence and renewed strength. Im soo thankful for his trials!

So out of all this, count your blessings, and dont stop yourself from asking for blessings...BUT never lose sight of God. Never lose sight of Jesus. Never lose sight of the Holy Spirit. Cause They are most important.

By personal experience, the times where I get the thigns Ive longed for...is always when I never think about it or expect it to come. God waits till the right time before giving you His blessings because He wants you to realize His power and His love yet, He doesnt want you to take Him as a wishing well.

Bro, I have absolute faith that god will answer my prayers for you. You too must ahve faith that He is int eh midst of making your wish come true.

As for me, I dont want to pray for the return of my ex because I want to ask for God's will to be done..and not mine. I will wait till God gives and I know that He only has the best for me. God will show me the way and will show me what to do.

LOVE

Judgement Day...

20 March. Mark your calenders...its a do or die day for me...Just thining abt it is making me nervous and I pray to god that He has it in his plans that i do well...

Latest fav song... Smile by Tupac. Excellent!

Wanna clear my room today and wanna clear my thoughts...Iw anna be sure that when that day comes, that I wud have a clear head.

Today I was thinknig to myself abt my ex...funny..Iw as wondering if Id meet him today...its not soemthign I think of often...but I guess today was different...yet you know what. Much as I thoguht it woudl be great to meet him again...I didnt wanna pray for it to happen...dont know why...didnt dare...It made me wonder why I didnt dare to even pray for him to appear...was I afraid of what I wished for? Was it because I knew that if I prayed without a doubt, God would bring my wishes to life...He would let me meet him even if it seems absurd that he would be in this part of Singapore? Needless to say...Ive prayed abt this for a long time...and my prayer to God has always been...."God no matter how I may beg or plead or want it to happen....Never give in to my wishes...unless its your will. Let not my will be done but yours God...yours"

If my fear of the prayer coming true then I would rejoice in the fact that my faith in God is getting stronger.

God...I have much to learn...I have much to lean on you God...I pray that everyone I loved..loved you as much...That they would see how much you love them as well...That they would be saved. You are the Almighty God...nothing will go against your will, nothing is not your work of art. Your rain is my shower of blessings and if I could, I would stand int eh rain and close my eyes just to feel the raindrops hit my face...Your wind is my comfort...a hug you've given me that envelopes me and could lift me off my feet. Like a child being hugged and his hair being ruffled by his father.

Let not my heart stray...let not my eyes roam...God dont let me stray into anger and pride and procrastination...let me always remember your word...

Guys...

If God be with you, who can be against you? Rom 8:31

I believe it is so... I truly do...

LOVE

To smoke or not to smoke..thast the question...

Even now...the rational to why people dont give up smoking...eludes me. Ive got frens whom smoke and claim they're addicted to it and others whom just like to smoke.

It all brings me to when I used to ask my dad to quit smoking adn he never did. At one point, I just gave up. Took me awhile though and I think pretty soon, I'll give up on my frens as well...

Just today, I refused to lend my fren some money to buy cigarettes. Mean of me I guess but...if I think abt how I would be encouraging him to smoke...emmm was a dilemma. I have no right to force soemone to stop smoking...but I also want them to stop for their own good. What can I say...I shud just give up.

Yet I can also say that them smoking, harms me as well...2nd hand smoke is more toxic than 1st hadn smoke. Which would mean that I could be getting more harm.

Speaking from a Godly point of view....I know God has the power to give my frens the strength and will power to stop....they just dont want to..or rather they dont know that God is helping them....easier said than done I guess....

Anyway...I guess Im close to giving up. It would mean that Im probably gonna hang less with them. Coz I know my condition...sinus and headache etc...I know that I cant hang with them as often and honestly...sad to say this...their smoking habits are really starting to put me off...Im sorry bro. its true...If I have to go into a room with many smokers...Id rather go somewhere else. There is no way anyone can avoid the smoke from coming over to me. Aside from which I hope the guys know that they are nice people.

For the past few days..my remarks have been down right snide...my apologies....it wasnt me talking...it was my headache, my flu and my running nose.

Anyway enoughf or now...Tamil lesson #3 will be up soon...

LOVE

Pack your room!

Sooo after looking at my fren's room, I realized that mine was only a mere mole hill. Yes! Godzilla either has not moved to my place...or he has worse relatives. I pale in comparison and Im proud of it! Muahahaha Also gives me motivation to clear my room. Any one want postcards!?!?! Ive got plenty!

anyway...its time for another round of tamil words! Muahahaha Today we talk about food! The most fav topic of mine when it comes to the indian culture!
Lassi - Yoghurt shake eg: mango lassi
Masala - means Spices
Payasam - a type of dessert, white in colour and has bee hoon like noodles and sago in it. (They say that a way to show that you've masterred the skills of eating with your hands..is if you can eat payasam with your hands.
Iddiapam - Aka Puttu mayam, also aka thunder cake, commonly found in indian muslim stalls at kopitiams, its a form of breakfast, bee hoon like pancake eaten with orange coconut sugar
Dosai - aka thosai, pancake like, rolled up and eaten with green chillie chutney and tomato and red chilli chutney
Rava Dosai - another form of Dosai but its made with a different type of ingredients and the mixture to made the pancake is more watery, thus a thinner pancake
Poori - Blown up pancake..its round and its puffed up.
Vadai - the indian doughnut!
Dhal - Made of lentils, its a non-spicy gravy, has potatoes and even though its very tasty..its fattening...sigh
Bhonda - Deep fried potatos and stuff..very nice when hot yet soft ont eh inside :) Its an appetizer.
Thairu - Means Yoghurt! eg: Thairu Vadai is indian doughnuts soaked in yoghurt. YUMS!

K so that was my lesson in indian food! :) I now hope I can order a decent indian meal :) Went to makan at Annalakshmi @ Excelsior. it was very very good! Sedap!
Im learning more indian stuff hahah but dont worry. I am in no means any nearer to getting another indian bf :) God will keep me sane hahahah

K American Idol is on air :) IM outta here!

LOVE

WWAAHHHH I wanna cry!

Emmm curiousity killed the cat and is making me cry! :( Why? I searched Yahoo for my name and guess what!! Ning Ning is the name of an Orang Utan!!! Waahhhh!
Amongst alot of other things that my name is being refered to :/ I guess my name is famous huh...Really sad though....I can only hope that I am cuter than that little primate...(Its quite cute)

I know I havnt blogged in awhile...been either too busy or too unmotivated.

Cant think of anything to write now...some of them I have in mind are too long for me to write now...so I guess I'll comeback later. ciaos

LOVE

Sooo

Btw..dont know if I mentoined this...saw an old man yesterday in the middle of 2 roads...the divider...He's a feeble man with 2 canes. He has trouble even stepping off teh divider ontot he road and as I stood at the bus stop waiting for my bus for 10mins...there he was...trying to cross yet too scared to because of the cars. Nobody helepd him. nobody noticed I guess...but personally, if I see an old man like that trying to cross the road illegally....it would defintiely catch my eye. 1stly: Why in the world is such an old man on his own? Where are his family members? 2ndly: Why is he crossing the road? 3rdly: How is he gonna cross the road? Was I the only one who thought that? Or did everyone else see it too but thought of it as "pre-arrival of bus" entertainment?

After waiting to see if this man was actually able to do it...I wentover. I crossed over to the divider and went up to him. I asked to help him and held his hand. I stepped of the road 1st and gave him my support. I could tell he was nervous beause he was holding on to my hand tightly...maybe it was also because he needed the support. Thankfully, the vehicles slowed down for us to cross and I got him over.

I left him to walk home..something I regret doing now that I think of it....should have helped him to his block..to make sure he knew where he was going..and not someone with alzheimer or etc..But at that time...I didnt...I did pray though...as he walked off, i prayed for him.

Speaking of prayer..I teared at church today. Before I go on, let me clarify that tearing is different from crying or sobbing...different levels on intensity...I teared. Why? Because of what I learnt at church. Let me share with you about a piece of my history. It seems small but it hit me hard. When i was in sec 3, one of my exam essays was commended by my english teacher. She made me read abit of it out to the class because I had a poem in it. I was a very honorable and memorable thing for me..Honestly..I cant rememeber where I put that essay. Hope I still have it...Why does it linked to church? Coz I got inspiration from King David... it mademe realize that everytime I spread God's name, He blesses me... He blessed me everytime i went back to Him.
I also realized that...even when I have inferiority complex....it stretched over to my religious beliefs as well...that I saw myself as a sinner that would never be redeemed...That God would deem me too filthy to accept me into heaven. When actually...He has already accepted me...my name is already written in His books through God's blood! I cried realizing that its time I stopped thinking myself as a useless sinner and a new person who is clean in God's eyes. That whe I dot hat, my ways willl change and I would be a more confident person. I realized that my prob can not be solved completely with my own powers...but by God's. As is everything!

As we prayed..I felt soemthing..I felt a warm on my head and on me that was flowing into me...and I felt soo compelled to raise my hands and scoop all of it into me. God had filled my heart. I made a few promises to God...
1) Say grace
2) Wake up to His word and sleep with His word...
3) Give Him praise as I go into Spore Idol.
4) Write songs for Him
5) Be aware of Him
6) Accept His trials and strive to overcome them
7) Help the needy
8) Devote my sunday blog to God

Let me clarify things..I did not decide to praise God because of Singpore Idol. its something I want to do to show people that He is with me and hopefully to spread the message to everybody that God is a good and righteous and powerful God...that none of my capabilties are from myself..but from God....Not because I'm using Him to achieve Singapore Idol.

Im also considering following my sister and donating my weekly offerings to World Vision. Nott hat I dont trust the church...but I feel that that is what I want to do.

Now I know that some of my flaws...are impatience, procrastination and inferiority complex and I know I have to change that. I know tht God will held me. Even now, he is constantly testing my patience and I got soo frustrated with certain things today that...I knew my ugly head was coming out...I tried to keep my cool and I prayed for forgiveness and strength eyt at the same time...I told Him, " God dont let my trials stop....let them continue...because I know you love me". Because its only then that i know you care for me and love me enough to cast trials onto me to mould me into a better person.

Heres the prob...I know some of you will be asking, " If I am already considered righteous to God, why do I even need to be tried and tortured to be a better christian?" Im explaining this from how I see it...God wants us to educate others around us about Him and bring them to God. If we ourselves are not proper, how do we expect others to believe in Him? If we do not practice what we preach...how to we expect others to follow Him? How do we expect them to see Godliness in us? Its also through trials that we learn how to handle tough situations which inturn help us for the better....God is teaching us important lessons we need to learn to live in the world.

From now on, I want to hold God in my heart...He will take away the sorrows I experienced and fill the empty grooves with love.

I know God loves me...I know He loves me soo much. he gave me my talents, my wisdom, my knowledge...He pampers me...

LOVE

Saturday!

b4 i forget, please go listen to smile by tupac..dont know if its the same one but mine has got a bit of indian groove to it. damn cool! Im in love with it man!

Went to the Career seminar today and gona go tom also..coz tom theres a talk by mediacorp radio.

saw this performance today that made me wanna write songs again... :/ Really man! Time I took up my guitar again.... Also starting tod o my kindermusik stuff now and this time I ver determined to complete it. Plus gotta get my demo tape done to send to the radio stations...

Im praying for determination man...Im praying for courage and faith...

I know that a few days ago, I read the bible and was worried...coz I didnt know if God had chosen me as his child. Says in the bible that god wil have mercy on whom He will have mercy. I got worried. What if att he end oft he day, God hasn't chosen me to be one of His kids? Then I realized that if He did not chose me to be his daughter....I would be put under fire and trials to bcome a better person! There would be no point in doing so because I would end up in Hell anyway! So now Im assured that He will bring me to Heaven...because He is constantly testing me.

God is openng doors for me...I can see it..but I'll tell it to you guys some other day. :)

LOVE

Divine Sutra!

k back to my bogger ways! havnt been blogging frequently...guess i had no...cant find the right word....emmm Ive got loads to say but when it comes to hittingt he keys...I cant be bothered.. thats what I felt for the past few weeks.

NYAA report is getting done...jusy lacking one small bit...signatures and one of the schedules which my friends has yet to send me. Been quite pissed with the Red Cross guys coz they promised to give me some of the pics to and event I did for them (which was in early jan or last year) Not like I wanted hard copies btw..just wanted soft copies...Havnt gotten it..I called them 3 times if not wrong and sent an email over twice. Patience can be waxed thin.

Gonna start doing my portfolio now...bit tough and Ive been thinking abt what to put as my cover page...drat! Speaking of portfolio, will be going for the Career seminar tomorrow and sunday. Trying to perfect my resume sot hat i can give it to pple tom actually....

Anyway..another thign Ive been thinking these days..is how I am as a person...Got my friend to assess me. he says Im someone who seldom reveals myself...Hmm I guess I think that I do reveal..but depends on the chemistry between the person and I and situation. But really...is it that I dont reveal my feelings...or that people are not observant enough? which is it? I guess its my prob mostly...

btw im at my aunties place now. you all take care.

LOVE

...

Im in a stressed state...its just me really..Im att eh crossroads of finding out what to do and going for it..but I think Im just too scared to take another scred...maybe coz I worryt hat there is no return... Silly of me I know..even siller when you think abt how much I talk abt putting my worries with God...

I guesss right now, Im not gonna say much...coz I just dont feel like saying much...nor do I know what to say....

So I bid you all a gd night and take care...

LOVE

long long days

haiz...had to refer to my blog to see what I wrote b4. Dont wanna risk repeating myself.

Sooo its been a looonnggg 2 weeks. I havnt told you guys alot abt it..coz I guess some things cant be said online..they just cant..privacy to the people I mention. Also coz of Idol. I dont have bad vulgar comments to spew out with regards to anybody I know now..but still...

Which leads me to wonder..Ive always thought of blogging as my way of speaking out..good or bad that happens to me..I wanted to be candid..but by and by..Ive grown less candid..more self censorship....I wanna break out of that but I know if I break out of it now...Id be juicy news when I get further into Idol...

Anyway..for now..I wanna go heck care and blog!

Met w a neighbour of mine for dinner....he's a nerd...I hate to say this..but its true. I meet up with him because I admired his persistence. twice he got intot eh same train and followed the same carriage...I know soemthing was going on in his head and I guess that dinner wud ahev been a good time to clear the air. But I didnt. Coz I talked w him during dinner and felt that he was okay. But tues afternoon, he asked for my email and some of his smses were..quite self confident... for eg his sms to me in the night..."why you so late havnt sleep..hope its not coz you're missing me" (not the exact way of saying it but eh meaning is there) I dont know..sad to say but I felt a sense of...distastefulness abt that..he didnt fit his smses.....
So I immediately sent him an sms and told him straight abt how I hope Iw asnt giving him ideas. Etc...he smsed back and asked how I could make such a judgement so quickly...Then He called and I told him straight that I knew the guys I liked and that I could see that nothing is gonna happen between us now and most probably ever. I was never tha blunt w anyone except someone I knew from my sec sch who freaked me out. I was very cold and monotonous...
Seriously...I dont see how I could have put it in another way...Its just not me. :( My boss said htat I should tell him nicely...but I worry that me telling him nicely wudnt bring the messgae across....sigh...God forgive me for being so rude...

That is one of my past probs actually...broke down moday evening also...mini-recurring episode that made me tear...nothing serious so dun worry. its not a medical sickness

Another thing that happened..a joke that I feel I shud share..is that I was having Aikido class today and my sensei (very very nice man) said I was getting rusty and I should go buy some UB40 to apply. The rusty was meant for my techniques..not whether I was slow in speed or aching all over etc... I only replied, "Sensei..you very funny! hahahaha" he is man! And I would love to see his son..how he is like w my sensei as his father hahaha he used to joke that he wished his son was here to see, so he can intro the girls to him hahahahah My boss says that he sayang me and I think so too hahah so I can not dissappoint him. I will keep training lah...

K lastly...just a notice. My phone will has gone up to almost twice the amnt. Not a joke anymore...I have to cut. SOOOO for those of you who are used to smsing me small messages...or..MANY small smses and expect me to reply all of them. I have a tip for you: Try to conceptualize all you wanna say 1st, then sms me allt eh questions at one shot. I will sms you allt he answeres at one shot too. This will reduce my phone bill tremendously and save us all the trouble of having to keep checking our phone for more smses. It is very very irritated to have many smses fromt eh same person with 1 question each..I think its time we practiced our summarizing skills even on the phone. It is VERY VERY much appreciated!

Gotta go to lala land now. U all take care

LOVE