Hmm I think it runs in the family...an unhappy family never showers pride on each other (even if they are proud), it never says good things...(even if they are happy)...
I dont know what to say..for the past few weeks Ive complained about how idol is so commercialized that you need 5 supporters min...but to think abt it..the enarer I am to tomorrow, the more I wished more pple wud come...esp those that matter...sad to say...those that do matter...are not really gonnab e able to make it...sad...somehow.and I hate to say this....coz it makes me sound like some self-absorbant twerp...I wished they could put things down for awhile and help me..but nvm..everybody has their own things to do and I have mine...esp on a saturday...I assume that week days will be worse..Ive got a fren who went with no one and I knew that they were nervous...I was only glad to be there...
Allow me to be that pricky self-absorbant twerp for now will yah? Im freaking out here....
K well let me explain why I say that my immediate family has little motions to show...I know they feel it..they just dont show it and i guess Im slowly becoming like one of them too...I told my mum that I got in and the 1st thing she asked me was, "Why you do and join?" amazingly enough...witht eh lack of communication between my dad and mum, my dad said the same thing! At a different time and different place, without knowing my mum said it. I must now be a good christian girl and tell myself not to be angry..because they are only concerned and I would assume worried that I might get over the top with this and fall deeper...Which is possible...
But then who doesnt climb up a ladder fearing of falling? If so, should we stop climbing ladders? takign risks?
If I told my dad that I was jobless and finding crazy things to do like a musical, Sp Idol, Kindermusik and freelance compering and singing..would he freak out? Like I always say, he would flip a hundred cartwheels around the house. He would!!! And I dont need to ask to know. Of course thats why Ive suppressed so many dreams for so long. My music never went pass my songwriting books, my mp3 player and my close frens...Ive never gone clubbing till now, Ive never stayed over at a frens place till this year and I ...Ive had lots to hide. To be honest..Id call myself an avid liar...no diff between a white lie or a black or grey or blue or red or green...alls a lie. And Id honestly get worried if my dad read this hahaha but well...all is to come out soon right? I only wish that when it does, he would just try to understand....
I dont know if anyone knows me well enough but only a handfull do....those who do..knwo that i can never be someone who sits still..I need to do crazy and undone things allt eh time. I need to learn new stuff..I need action or excitement...I cudnt be satisfied with a 9-5 job...Which is a minus for me because that means alot of jobs dont fit me....
So now Im mentally drained..practiced abit adn ym voice is next to hoarse...I dont know who's coming tom...coz I didnt want to hope...its easy to hope people will be there and they end up not going..it better to just leave thigns open and see who comes adn thank God for them. Not to mention my biggest support...God. Tomorrow I sing for Him...I must rememebr that! I must sing for Him! Coz He would always be there... :)
Btw...my mum might not be able to come coz she's gotta stay and wait for the ironing lady to come and iron our clothes. She cant askt eh lady to come on sunday coz she wants to go to my grandma's place tom and my dad doesnt ilke the lady to come on sundays...So I guess its either one comes or teh other. I dont know...i rememeber them coming for my graduation...I know my dad was proud of me..but when my director asked him what they did to raise me to who I am, he said, "Now I know why she's so stubborn."..granted he's proud of me yet trying to be funny. I do that too...But you know, I left that day with out a family pic like my other frens and best of all, it didnt hit me till I got home. I didnt feelt eh urge to captre such a moment. Graduation was JUST graduation to me at that point! Like wise for the play I acted in. I cried when I received the card they and my sis gave me..But 1000bux says that my sis bought the card and the flower! She was the one who herded the family over to my school and I love her for it..for coordinating everything...
So there! My family...lifeless, expressionless onyl in anger. We are all hiding our feelings...if I cant even show my feelings to my family..wats there to show to my frens? How can I break out from a skill Ive honed since I was born...so easily? Only God knows me..Only God knows me like an open book..literally!
So IM done with my self-absorbant twerpiness...I pray for forgiveness for my arrogance and sillyness and childishness...and I ask for support and love and strength from God...grant that He gives me that chance to be on stage.
Btw, Im almost done with To Kill A Mockingbird and Ive grown to love it soo much...it is a book I will always treasure because it reflects what I love and hate...Harper Lee you rock!I dont know what to say..for the past few weeks Ive complained about how idol is so commercialized that you need 5 supporters min...but to think abt it..the enarer I am to tomorrow, the more I wished more pple wud come...esp those that matter...sad to say...those that do matter...are not really gonnab e able to make it...sad...somehow.and I hate to say this....coz it makes me sound like some self-absorbant twerp...I wished they could put things down for awhile and help me..but nvm..everybody has their own things to do and I have mine...esp on a saturday...I assume that week days will be worse..Ive got a fren who went with no one and I knew that they were nervous...I was only glad to be there...
Allow me to be that pricky self-absorbant twerp for now will yah? Im freaking out here....
K well let me explain why I say that my immediate family has little motions to show...I know they feel it..they just dont show it and i guess Im slowly becoming like one of them too...I told my mum that I got in and the 1st thing she asked me was, "Why you do and join?" amazingly enough...witht eh lack of communication between my dad and mum, my dad said the same thing! At a different time and different place, without knowing my mum said it. I must now be a good christian girl and tell myself not to be angry..because they are only concerned and I would assume worried that I might get over the top with this and fall deeper...Which is possible...
But then who doesnt climb up a ladder fearing of falling? If so, should we stop climbing ladders? takign risks?
If I told my dad that I was jobless and finding crazy things to do like a musical, Sp Idol, Kindermusik and freelance compering and singing..would he freak out? Like I always say, he would flip a hundred cartwheels around the house. He would!!! And I dont need to ask to know. Of course thats why Ive suppressed so many dreams for so long. My music never went pass my songwriting books, my mp3 player and my close frens...Ive never gone clubbing till now, Ive never stayed over at a frens place till this year and I ...Ive had lots to hide. To be honest..Id call myself an avid liar...no diff between a white lie or a black or grey or blue or red or green...alls a lie. And Id honestly get worried if my dad read this hahaha but well...all is to come out soon right? I only wish that when it does, he would just try to understand....
I dont know if anyone knows me well enough but only a handfull do....those who do..knwo that i can never be someone who sits still..I need to do crazy and undone things allt eh time. I need to learn new stuff..I need action or excitement...I cudnt be satisfied with a 9-5 job...Which is a minus for me because that means alot of jobs dont fit me....
So now Im mentally drained..practiced abit adn ym voice is next to hoarse...I dont know who's coming tom...coz I didnt want to hope...its easy to hope people will be there and they end up not going..it better to just leave thigns open and see who comes adn thank God for them. Not to mention my biggest support...God. Tomorrow I sing for Him...I must rememebr that! I must sing for Him! Coz He would always be there... :)
Btw...my mum might not be able to come coz she's gotta stay and wait for the ironing lady to come and iron our clothes. She cant askt eh lady to come on sunday coz she wants to go to my grandma's place tom and my dad doesnt ilke the lady to come on sundays...So I guess its either one comes or teh other. I dont know...i rememeber them coming for my graduation...I know my dad was proud of me..but when my director asked him what they did to raise me to who I am, he said, "Now I know why she's so stubborn."..granted he's proud of me yet trying to be funny. I do that too...But you know, I left that day with out a family pic like my other frens and best of all, it didnt hit me till I got home. I didnt feelt eh urge to captre such a moment. Graduation was JUST graduation to me at that point! Like wise for the play I acted in. I cried when I received the card they and my sis gave me..But 1000bux says that my sis bought the card and the flower! She was the one who herded the family over to my school and I love her for it..for coordinating everything...
So there! My family...lifeless, expressionless onyl in anger. We are all hiding our feelings...if I cant even show my feelings to my family..wats there to show to my frens? How can I break out from a skill Ive honed since I was born...so easily? Only God knows me..Only God knows me like an open book..literally!
So IM done with my self-absorbant twerpiness...I pray for forgiveness for my arrogance and sillyness and childishness...and I ask for support and love and strength from God...grant that He gives me that chance to be on stage.
Pray fro me guys....
LOVE
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