...Im such a bad person...

K i know u think Im going into one of my self-reproaching modes...

Today I was made to ask my dad abt his recent scan...something I wudnt have really wanted to do on my own free will...I did and he said he didnt have money for a scan so he took an autosound instead...He said..and I quote,"I dont have money for an scan...., you spent all ur money on vcds!" he didnt say it with a very blaming tone..but somehow it hit me.
He's right...I do spend money on myself..my vcds..my dvds..my books..my transport..my lunch..etc...Inside..the more i think of it..the moer I feel that Im to blame...for not providing for the only dad i have..whom much as I dont like or really love....He is still my dad...
So theres an invisible yet formidable force weighing down on me..to find a proper job n provide for the family..like my sis...stable n sensible..knows what she wants in life...
The prob with all this is...Im not ready to stick to one job now...Im not ready to jump into a perm job that lasts 10 years..I want to stick my head around n find out or do thigns Ive always wanted to do..like work w autistic pple, do tuition, childcare, sing, write songs....comm service. But everytime I want to do this...I face the same wall..the same wall that forces many pple to give up their dreams...and follow the route to a "normal "life....
Do I get a proper job, focus on it, give up other interesting but less profitable stints and work till I grow old?
When my sis wanted to change a job, she had to go into my dad's room aka the board room, and face his questions n reproaches n his disapproving face and a casual.."okay whatever you want!" Sorta makes me wonder who's life it is.. maybe thats why my sis is like that..happy to live her own world...and thus maybe thats why she made me ask my dad abt his scan instead (if thats the case, makes me pissed)...
Everybody int he house is "supposed" to tell him everything..reports...only my sis cud get out of that..or most of it.

My mum is thinking of going for a holiday w my auntie..she's worried that my dad wud be angry...because he told my auntie not to go coz of my grandma being alone int eh house...Here's wat I think (tell me if Im being too selfish) If I were in my auntie's shoes, Id still go if I wanted to...coz his remarks imply that Im the only one who can take care of my grandma..or who shud take care of my grnadma..which is wrong. Coz my grandma is a shared responsibilty as children...Just coz my grandma lives in my auntie's place, doesnt make it only my auntie's responsibility. As for my mum, my mum has the right to have a holiday whether for her contributions as a wife or mum or colleague...My dad shudnt have the right or reason to be angry w her. Watever the case..if the both of them leave for new zealand...my sis n I will be going over to my auntie's place to stay w grandma.

A I selfish? to think that I, my auntie n my mum have the right to do our own stuff...even when we have obligations to fulfill? Isnt there a break?

Just thinking of not being able to do the things Ive always wanted to do...sorta makes life abit sad...Is that allt here is to life? Or am I just to weak to fight for it..being driven back into my den or made to flee the frontline by the immense guilt of responsibility...

Isnt that a famous excuse? Even for me....."I have to do this", "My dad will blow his top", "My dad will flip".....sigh

I think this is the reason why Im afraid to open the door opportunity even when i was standing in front of it...because i feared that if I go through it n it opens..it might close shut on me..I wud haev to walk staright n face the same comments n scoldings by my parents..for not finding a proper job, for being used...like whatt hey are doing now...

Life sux...