Okay back to the weekend.

This is gonna be a bloody long entry coz my weekend was very long and action packed..so if ur gonna rush for class in 5mins..you might wanna wait till later to read k. If ur working...maybe ud wanna stop ehre for now.

Anyway, here goes. took a half day to do an event. Its a Deeparaya event and me knowing nothing abt Hari Raya n Deepavali, did abit of research before doing he event. God had it in his mind to make it rain n so there were lesser pple who attended. Maybe coz of this, my energy level n mood went down as well... he event wasnt as good as expected. I felt soo bad that I cudnt give my all to this event coz I wasnt as bilingual as other hosts. I cud manage a english, a fwe words of malay n a few words of tamil..i just felt soo bad. i walked home thinking to myself that I really had to do something abt my chinese. And also...to increase my knowledge of other languages like malay n tamil. mus learn if i wanna be a host...

The next day, I had round 2 of the event. But this time, i came even more prepared...I had prepared for each small break, a piece of something to say or do. If anything happened, id use those kill-timers. My fren (who was running the prog) was working sooo closely w me that things were quite smooth! No major cock up that made dead silence..so yeah

Anyway..byt he end of that day, I was happy n dancing like crazy, while trying to pull audience to dance as well. some were sporting enuff to try n I salute them man! The dancers, on my cue, tried to pull pple out as well. :) All was in good fun! hahaha

All in all, I enjoyed my saturday event better than fri. I had more energy. I even rapped for the audience after seeing the previous group rap. I wrote it...seconds before their performance ended n literally rapped a request for the audience to clap for them once again. We also had another performance by an african, mediteranian band and they were fantastic! The drums n all were fantastic! I once againt ried to pull pple in hahaha. when we were welcoming them back from the break, I got everyone to cheer w me, "vibe tribe! vibe tribe!" It worked and the performers were impressed! One of them, B, told me that this was the 1st time that people have ever chanted for them.

I know my performance today was alot better than fri..but like my fren said, the 1st one was stillt he best! hahahah

Now, I know alot of pple will recognize me...:/ a good n bad thing hahaha coz I might be rememebred for the wrong things hahah for dancing crazily? Hahaha for being the one who preaches abt racial harmony etc..the one who was bad in chinese and dropped in a few broken words of tamil n malay hahahaha

Byt he time I was over w these 2 days, I was super tired! Hands all sakit from the clapping and aching all over from the dancing. Thankfully, God preserved my voice. :)

Sunday came fast n I missed church. Went to my frens church for a cahnge and heard a msgt hat made me think abt the past..so I teared. Not cry or sob...mind you. Just teared. The pastor was talking abt how God lives in our hearts...not outside of our hearts...we dont need to look at signs from heaven to decide which stall to eat from etc. Veerything is from within. He said...follow the holy spirit's prompting. He described how someone consulted him abt whether to marry this guy who loves her but she doesnt love him. He said, "if you dont have the same feeling ,then dont do it!" If the person says, "God told me that you are the one for me" tell the person, "But God tell me...No leh!" it was soo funny that I was tearing hahah but when he said...follow God's promptings...I suddenly rememebred how I used to wonder what God'spromptings were....for my ex n I. Was hetelling us that we cant be together? or that we were supposed to be together but maybe not now..or not forever...Thats when I felt that long hidden n long suppressed pain.

Countless times, I rememebred thinking to myself abt how wrong my ex n I were together. we were of diff religions...our parents were anti-chinese n anti-indian..respectively (if you know wat i mean) and God has this verse int eh bible that stuck to me like glue ..that we shudnt marry pple who are non-christians (somewhere along those lines) Sooo..was thatt he sign that God wanted me to hear so depserately that It haunted me? Or was it the fact that my ex and I eflt soo right w each otehr that our parents disagreements were earth shattering? Emmm yeah..which was it that was God's sign? Hmmm Then it struck me...how do we know wat is God's sign nw ats Satan's sign? alot of things can be really vague. Thats the whole reason why we have debates! Coz alot fo things are int eh grey area zone. Jesus Christ never distanced himself from the ungodly..infact, he loved them! He died for them!...When the priests asid that it was wrong for Jesus Christ to be with ungodly, Jesus Christ disagreed! In fact, Jesus was there to change the ungodly...to godly. So wat was my role w my ex (i used to wonder) Was I the one who would change him to be someone who wud eventually turn to God n die n be allowed in heaven? Or was my being w him, going to cost me an everlasting life w God?

In these rare times..as everyone was tearing fromt he pastor's jokes, I was tearing from my own memories...my own frustration that I didnt know..n dont know what God has in mind for me. Why my ex n I had a relationship that was stronger than superman...yet...ended int he worst of ways. for those few seconds...i felt like my heart had opened a door...the small door that Id been struggling to lean against to stop watever was inside..from coming out. Thought Id succeeded really...I felt like..inside..I was opening my heart..that dark room to welcome God in to sit with me..and explain to me why. Why he made thigns like that and hear his comforting words that I wud soon end this sadness with a new stage of my life..etc...

The last time I felt like that, Iw as in my toilet...no I was not doing my big business...and yes everything came out smooth...in fact.. I was there purely coz I was feeling very down n I wanted to cry to God. I cried n slowly calmed down...as I stepped out of the toilet...I received an sms that my clubmate was unable to host the next day's event. She was asking if I cud do it. I told her to ask her co-host if I cud host w her. Not that her co-host was a big shot...just that the co-host was my ex. Int he toilet, I pleaded for a sign...a sign..any sign..of whether God wud ever let me get back w my ex...and there it was...my clubmate miraculously called me..at midnite....or even later. So tell me God..which was the sign? Or had you put me tot eh test all along...like how u let Satan test Job. Or how you brought the Jews into concentration camps and let them suffer...testing their faith or building their faiths. God's people will always be tested...

Soo while I promised myself that I wudnt tear for that service..I did...

LOVE