get ready for a long entry....

This would be....3 days worth of entry...allt hats happened has sorta left me a little tired..thats why I didnt write anything for so long..today..I ave to...coz I need to get it out of my system...
Lets talk abt the less stressing one...miao miao...
Think she's sick. She's got this thick light green goo coming out of her ass...or wateva it is...she doesnt run to me as fast as she used to and she's salivating more. Its either she's sick, she's "come of age"..or she's pregnant..which..i dont feel anythign when I feel her underbelly. Or maybe its still too small? not too sure..not sure at all! I just hope for her healthy. :(
2nd thing..which leads to third...
I received a surprise call from my church...she doesnt normally call me..but that day..she sounded different....she was crying...She told me how she missed her ex...how she couldn get over him...etc..how she was supposed to marry him (they've been together for many years)...she sobbed sobbed..like no tomorrow...I was sad for her..really.....I didnt know what to say to her...I didnt want to say anything wrong as well..so I cudnt help but keep quiet. She asked me what to do! She said, " you know how I feel don't you Ning?" You've known what it feels to love someone sooo much right Ning?" In fact..it wasnt a question..more like a statement.....She's right...I do know what it feels to love someone till ur inerds wanna fall out. Like she said....memories have the tendency to sneak up on you...I know she didnt want to think back abt all this.....but inevitably..when uir sad or depressed...you just feel like calling that person. Its happens often when ur drunk as well....
I cant help but say that I feel for her. As she cried..I wanted to cry myself.....not full fledge"cry ur heart out" crying...just tearing....She kept apologizing..saying she was stupid to feel like that..that she was bothering me..etc FOR WHAT?!?!?! ..Really I understand! I understand where she's coming from...things dont go away just coz you want them to. Even then...Much as ur head says to move on...ur heart doesnt...thats the sad and the hardest part....getting ur heart to finally give up... it not something anyone around us can help get rid off . Maybe they can accompany us more..or change topics..or intro new guys etc..but eventually..at the end of the day....if u still end up thyinking abt him...everything goes back to square one. Its not something u can get rid of totally too. All you can do is...leave it in a corner of ur heart. One of those underground storeroom with a double triple lock..sometimes event hat isnt enuff...sister...Crying helps you to get over those few mins...but most imptly is to get ur heart to give up. Try to think of him as dead..or that he doesnt deserve you at all! Start to love urself more....stop drinking & smoking..love ur body...love urself...focus on the things you love to do...ur dreams...start writing more..more poems..more stories...if you do something that gets u excited or happy, u will think less of him...it all takes time.....

yet much as I can say all this..I know it isnt that easy...That isnt a foolproof plan..no textbook or ten year series answer...no..nothing is..you have to develop ur own way to get over things....just dont do things that kill urself..mentally, emotinally, psychologically or physically....

3rd thing..
This is where my half came in...no i didnt frink..I didnt sob....I didnt end in despair....I dreamt....It isnt the 1st time Ive dreamt abt my ex....but this time..it was different.....I dreamt that i bumped into him again n he was in a bad state...constantly drunk...blur...something happened to him...in my dream..I was shocked..shocked of what had happened to him and lo and behold, I found out he ended this way coz of me...In my dream..I dreamt of my doubt of whether to be w him again....cant remember what happened int he end...All I know..is that...when I woke up..I had a long forgotten feeling in me....yes I missed him...The feeling I got when I dreamt that I was holding him again...

But this all doesnt matter...Coz dreams dont make sense...or rather...not that I dont still love him...but that Ive sorta come to a conclusiont hat no matter how much i feel...nothings gonna bring thigns back. Its useless....To end is to give up on hope. Dreams are a way of sorting our inner thoughts..things we dont say..things we subconsciously see or feel or hear...in this case..its the same. Its not a sign from God ....God has permitted it yes..but its not a message from him.

All I dreamt..could probably have come from my fren..being slightly drunk..having sobbed n sobbed in all despair that i wanted soo much to hug her. Yet att he same time..after putting downt he phone w her....The 1st one I wanted to call...was my ex. I had his number in my head...in circles

I never really told anyone this...The 1st few months were terrible..almost devastating...catastrophic..etc..losing the best fren in the world..going through months of cold shoulder which forces you to wonder if thats the last you'll ever hear from the best fren you ever have. its like..losing a part of you...like..realizing that ur family was somewhere that you couldnt find..that they didnt want you anymore...that kind of feeling....I cried like ho wmy fren cried...almost everything reminded me of him.....there were dozens of ways that i tried to tell myself not to be so weak..not to brood over it..but his promises (or past promises) were what kept me back. Because I still believed that somewhere...he'd still kepp thsoe promises....unfortunately..even if u had a signed contract..marriage..verbal vows....seperation can still occur. Ultimately..I guess it was the promises that kept me back..that kept me thinking that one day...JUST one day....Im glad I got to talk to my ex months ago and clear everything... :) Much as we are not much frens now...Someday..we will be frens again...I hope. Another thing that got me on to recovery...was a vow to myself....that i would never let myself cry so much anymore....I see my grandma in her ripe old age..with no tears...she used them all up in her traumatic life...every few mins, her maid has to come in and apply artificial eyedrops for her to keep her eyes dry. I dont want that. If this guy..or any other guy..comes and hurts me...fine! I'll cry..but not for long..Coz I will never let myself cry for someone who would give me up. I would cry for the one who loves me and loved me to his dying day..sounds silly..but...who cares.

Now...as i write all this, I admit...I am a little choking at the throat...a long day...very very long day..makes me wish i had someone to lean on on my way home....

Question is....why is it our parents still feel like background, race and money...has to be something so important? When does love ever come intot he picture? Who marries for love nowadays except those who have the priveilage of finding someone that their parents and relatives like. Ive asked myself this question thousands of times....ive cried over the unfair treatment...yet i cant find the answer. All I know is...I have a thing against parents who are so superficial...They being parents...should be ashamed of themselves! This is the reason to increasing divorce rates...noone is in love with anyone. Which leads me to think that...since all this is happengin, why dont we just revert back to our arranged marriage ways again? Our parents seem to be using that..even if once upon their teenage years, they disapproved of it too.

Im tired...tired from the memories..tired from wondering why even my frens have to go through the same shit I had to go through...I'm tired.

u all tc