When i cant stop saying that I miss you...

Babe you have no idea...
I feel like this blog just isnt for the "commonly known" me. Its turned into something that I use to voice out what I can never say...

So Babe, I hate that I miss you before I leave your side.
I hate that I love you at all
And I know that we can never have anything more than friendship or siblinghood because.

Yet I do love you. Sadly I do. And every time I think about meeting you, my stomach does knots.
I guess i can only be thankful that we can talk to each other like more than just friends because I know that I can speak to you when I need to... Of course I have to thank you for constantly asking if I'm okay because not everyone that I treasure, does that.
And its also because of that, I love you more...
And maybe I will never find someone and maybe you will find someone...but I know that despite that, I will still love you and I dont say it and I wont say it...but when and if you need help for anything, I will be there....

I feel like I have to say goodbye now to emotionally take that step back....yet I'm reluctant to do so because I treasure the time we have together which I know will eventually end when u do find someone... I guess that is how it is with a wallflower. You always hope for someone to turn around and look at you.

Still love you babe. Dont know why you have such a hold on me...

God Bless

Wallflower...right here

Don't get me wrong Christmas was great. I got to be with the cousins, hang with sister, got lego, hang with my farmily etc. But I know somewhere in me, i wished i had someone :)

The forming of the band into what it is now, has been fantastic but also has brought about a reluctant realization for me. That maybe Im not good enough and that its harder for me to change than anything... For the silliest of reasons...

Everybody knows that I am plainer than the plain jane. I was never a fan of makeup because it was always beyond me to know how to wear it. Also that I felt like it would be me "dolling" up..just doesnt feel like me...

Yet being in this band has made me feel like this is if anything, necessary...despite some of my bandmates telling me that it's okay. Finally..the merciless MTV and commercial fashion has laid it's clutches on me, whispering into my ear that I need to change myself..

It leads me to wonder, do I really have to change to be in this line. Be it Emceeing or singing. Do I have to be "dolled up" to be someone? To be noticed...to find someone? Or is this really all in my head? Cant I be the wallflower and know that not every guy is looking at the pretty flowers and instead, look to the corners and walls? Because its there that you know this girl isnt there for show and tell. And thats where I hope that someone is seriously looking for such a girl and not preying on the un-noticed...

Cant I be that wallflower?

So if you need me, I will just be here..in my corner... clinging to what I know...

Im just too quiet now

So many times, I thank God for friends who have incessantly asked me if I'm okay. And sometimes, it's not that Im drowning or feeling terrible..its that I'm feeling...meh...
I dont think I remember what feeling great was. There was a time where I was really happy...and I cant remember that moment that I would willingly uninhibitedly utter the words " awesome!" or "amazing!" "amazeballs"
I draw a blank when I actually think of what to say to people? Sometimes even to those who are very close to me...
Because I always auto-filter what I would say...
So Im sorry to my friends whom do ask and who seem concerned and who have somehow felt that Im not gonna say anything about it..most of hte times it isnt that I'm refusing to say anything...its that I dont know wat to say... or I never think that its important enough to say...
So I am sorry that you have to be my friend....or have become by friend...

God Bless

such an empty room

I cant tell you everything because I dont know whatelse to say.

theres a part in my heart that i have not opened up for a long while and opening it now..almost feels scary..

if I take out everything in it, it will make me sad and scared at the same time.

But i know why I need to do it..but what i don't know is why you would be the one to make me do it.

And even that scares me...

You are and yet will never be the one I can ever have 

you would be like a present that I always wanted but am never allowed to have.

And the worst part about it..is that Im very certain this present was never meant for me

And the sad part is that I don't think i would ever make a suitable present for anyone.

I'm not wrapped in ribbons and pretty shiny things...

And maybe i feel that its because my content just isnt enough to warrant such pretty wrappers

Anyway this year, would be abit painful..like every other year without someone. Christmas has always had an underlying sadness to it..for me at least. I know that I say this because my focus is not on God. Technically it should be. I know by the end of Christmas, I will feel satisfied with the gatherings but left alone, I will feel and emptiness deep inside.

Funny how a room in my heart could feel so full of emotions, yet so empty; so full of memories yet so if i step in, it only feels full of echos... And how I could want to speak about it..yet I cant find the words to say anything..

I will recover..but at this moment, I need to convince myself that its nothing and that I dont care..otherwise Id always wish for a particular someone to pull me out.

I know there's a song in here somewhere...just need to take my pen out..

This world doesnt suit me Lord..

Maybe I'm thinking of this as a bigger deal than it is..maybe its just me...

Whatever it is, this is purely my opinion...

My bad has done a few gigs so far and the general feedback just includes the need for me to change my image...nothing new really...but I guess Im putting up a pouting fight. belly on the ground, kicking my feet, banging fist fight.

Music is music..no geographical, religious, racial difference. We all know that. BUT theres one difference that has stuck through time and is accepted. female lead singer's looks/appearance.

It (in my opinion) isnt fair..

It really isnt. People care less if a male singer (lead or not) is good looking. Looking good is a plus of course. But is it not meant to be about the music? if I wore a mask...or a hoodie..and sang...would it make a difference? what matters most is the voice isnt it?

I guess the more I think about it, the more I will learn to accept it..but at this point..it really isnt me.

I dont expect any of them to understand much as I've mentioned it to Wandi... well he can be very persistent at asking me what I'm thinking about.. but do I really have alot on my mind? or that I cant tell him everything? 

At this moment, I guess this is all Im thinking of.. maybe...

The person I really want to speak to now is Sonal... She knows all my pain and struggles..and we are too alike... So much to tell her...

God Bless

I guess i cant be trusted then. Coz I'm friends with the enemy

Sigh... so anyway theres been a disturbance in one of my clubs. And i've found myself caught between 2 sides. it always seems that everyone has to take sides then...

Im trying to keep the objective ground but this is getting out of hand...

The thing is...nothing is fair. nothing. There is no absoluteness because 1 side will lose.

The thing is... I feel this is a mini war...

breaks my heart... breaks my will too

I've had enough of this drama.

Part of me actually feels guilty that I'm restricting them from doing something they love because their grades are down. I actually feel guilty! BUT I'm an officer in the school! if their grades are bad, then I have that right to tell them to get out and focus on their studies!

So what pains me even more is that now I am now one of the untrustworthy people that the juniors cant speak to me... that hurts the most...

Letter to someone

Miss you. Today was tiring. I know I should be able to be more disconnected..but somehow I feel like by not being connected, I betray the students. I'm sure alot of my colleagues would beg to differ and of course I cant be like that because work isnt my life and it shouldnt be. emotional psychological health is impt.

Yet the accumulation of yesterday evening, this morning and today...was making me tired. And its not that I was on the edge of crying..I just felt that i could sit down and cry. i did feel a sense of low.

That and I didnt have you with me...I miss you and it would be great to have you sitting on a sofa with me. no words need to be said. I just need to be next to someone whom i can trust enough to not have to hold any strong fronts. Someone whom I know, if I fall asleep suddenly and the roof crashes down on me, that I would be safe from it somehow. or maybe I need to rant..I nee dyou to at least seem like you;re listening but you dont have to provide me with solutions. Its a very female thing to do...but it is useful. Because its not that we arent strong at all or anymore. It's that we're taking a deserved break from this madness and emptying ourselves to allow for more strength to fill up, so that we can carry on with the rest of the challenge...

That and maybe I just need you to tell me that it's okay if my decisions sucked..because life has to go on and we live with it and we try to fix what we can as we carry on. That nobody is perfect... and despite that being so...that you would love me like the first day we got together..

I just need that now. I may seem fierce or strong or brave..but everything needs a rest sometimes...if we dont rest accordingly, we tumble down very quickly... and at this moment, Id like to let my legs give way and know that you'd catch me. this moment...

I'd call you just to hear your voice..if I knew who you were...but I hope we'd meet soon...

been a while since Ive been so low...

Maybe because Ive lost all my energy and confidence...

And maybe I just can't work with people whom I hate to disappoint and trouble people. I just can't...

And that my uncle passed away today...

That at this very moment, i feel like I might just go on my knees and cry...

And maybe what's making me feel sadder, is knowing that I dont have a someone whom I can call my own..because when I need it most, I always feel like Im troubling my friends..especially the ones I trust most...

Sadly the person I would hope to have beside me now, isn't someone I feel comfortable being weak in front. I guess I've always felt the need to be strong in front of those I liked. *shrugs...
And it probably because I hold so much regard for them that it kills me too...

This fear of disappointing and this pride I have is something that might hinder me from being who I truly am... in front of anyone I ever do like.

This mask..this mask might hide me forever...he might never find me...

But I pray that he does...I do...

Rinjani and back cont...

Day 2..we woke at 2am for a 3am climb. My female friend and I never made it tot he summit due to time contraints. But we did get 3/4 way and it was a crazy tiring climb. Of course on hindsight, I di regret not reaching the top. But I'm reminded that had I used up all my energy on that first climb, maybe I wouldnt have been able to do the rest of it. Because the day consited of another long and arduous descend to the lake...
To this day, Im still in awe of the locals who lug around heavy equipment and luggage everywhere that we went on their shoulders. And in flip flops might I add.

Anyway, the descend from the summit was slightly scarier than the ascend for me. the ability to see whats below you and imagining yourself slide down the edge of those slopes...
It took a long while to get back to our camp site. And despite it being only a 1-2hrs rest time, I decided that I had to take a nap. My toes and toe nails were crying, my leg and arm muscles were screaming bloody murder...

After lunch, we made our way down the inner side of hte slope, into the caldera, down to the lake. Another 3 hours track (provided that we were going at a certain speed)... I admit that I was close to tears at one point. all that landing on my knee caps and jamming my toes into the tip of the boot every time I stepped down, was breaking me down slowly. Thankfully my mates were patient with me. Its sad to be the weakest link..

The guide and porters were as usual, very supportive and provided us with the best sustenance that one could ever get at such a wilderness.

We made it to the lake at late afternoon. Then after abit of a rest, we went to the hot springs. A welcomed muscle pain soother. the only sucky bit from that was the first moments when you get out of the pool and into the cold surroundings. ICE COLD

I rested as much as I could on that night...pity because the stars were out and full moon lite up the highlands...

To be Continued...

Rinjani and back

Im back from RInjani now.

It was a helluva 3 day 2 night and had it not been for a bunch of friends, I wouldn't have been able to bring myself to get through it...

We started off flying to Lombok, then riding to the base of Rinjani. We stayed at an amazing resort for the night. facilities were amazing. warm water, over head shower, 2x queen sized bed with zircon etc.

Day 1, we started at 9am and trekked to the crater rim. reached at 4pm.
The trek was quite endless but the first half was scenic.  Rolls and rolls of land. Blankets of clouds rolling by. So thick that they sometimes cover the entire highland, deceiving everyone that the rim is just 100m away.
The 2nd half of the trek consisted a lot of gravel, sand stuff. Ie: a lot of step and slide backs. it was easy to keep stopping. But we made it up in the allocated time. And equally important, i made it on my own effort.

At the Crater Rim, the scenery was heavenly. We were at the same level as the clouds so it almost looked like we could step unto a carpet of clouds to the highlands in front of us. As if, this is what heaven would look like.

The guide, Ahmed and the 6 porters who came with us, were our Justice League. They carried all our stuff (except our day pack) as well as food supplies, cooking utensils and tents etc. Maneuvering up and down those slopes like professionals. Of course, they did grow up climbing these slopes... since they started working as porters since young.

Every meal cooked by them was different and it included a colourful picnic mat, camping chairs and cutlery wrapped in a nicely folded serviette. What luxury!! Its a pity that we were always so tired that we didnt have much appetite and energy to eat.

We slept very early on Day 1. Because the climb to the summit would start at 3am...

To be Continued

the little weakness...

Last night was one of the best nights I had.

And its amazing how simple a night it could be. 

It basically involved being able to hold a really meaningful conversation with a close friend. A conversation that didnt really stop still the night ended.

Conversation after conversation..topic after topic.we went on and on. 

Maybe i was the only one who felt like everything was just right though. If so..then..

It's was dream conversation that I would have loved to have with someone from dusk till dawn. Exhausting all topics of life yet never really finishing it. And not fearing that at our next conversation, we'd have nothing to say... Ive had such times with Sonal, Puneet and maybe..even Pravin.
That the conversations aren't about the superficial stuff. About what food one likes or music that one likes..but also viewpoints on deeper stuff.

I would have loved to have this conversation with the guy I loved. For us to sit down some place with a view and talk...in each other's arms... to talk and laugh and even in quietness, it feels like we had a conversation.

I had a dream yesterday night...that I and a really close friend got together. And the sweetness of that dream lingered on after I woke up.. It wasn't anything sexual..it just felt like there was a connection..a warmth..that friendships can't really bring... being able to be the real, not so strong me..without caring about being a "burden" to anyone.
And thats a terrible thing to imply..that I feel "unreal" in front of all ym other good friends etc...but its not because of them. But because of me..I feel the need to be strong all the time... to be the supporting arm of friends...

Anyway by this morning,I had the aftermath of these 2 experiences in me..and admittedly...it made me just that bit lonelier...
I can be strong and independent and watch shows on my own and make plans with friends, swim or run and have a good time..but somewhere in my heart, the little room that I had locked up long time ago...the sadness within it has transformed into a sadness from something-else...its no longer about losing Pravin..its about not having someone....

Wonder who it will be....always felt that Iw as someone who needed the guy to be my best friend before things get any further... someone i can trust entirely...

I guess at times I wonder if its too much to ask... maybe it is...

God bless

Okay maybe abit too much to chew...

So here's the lowdown on whats been happening... all within aug & sept
1) Georgetown Festival
2) Mt Rinjani
3) Netball competition....
4) zumba, bollywood dance and hosting in an event
5) band competition entry

and in that mix, got a bunch of poeple that ive promised to meet and hang with...
1) my batch of comperes
2) trip to JB with farmily

Atop of other things that I wanna do..

These half of the year is gonna be crazzzzyyyyyyy... but hopefully I can look back at it and say that alot of good stuff was done. :D Woosh!!! ganbatte!

God BLess

Best gathering in a loonnggg while

Had dinner w Julian, my comperes clubmate from long time ago.

We talked about so many things. comperes, the things we went through in the past few years and laughed at so many things.

Aside from hanging with Cal and the rest, its been such a long time since I had so many laughs and tears at one go!

It reminded me of the camaraderie that we had in comperes..

This particular friend of mine sank into his own world whilst in poly and amazingly enough, whilst came to realise that we never hung out with him much, I still had the fondest memories of the friendship with him. And we didn't stop talking till he dropped me off at my place. :) 

The similarity of our experiences in the past 10 odd years, have also been pretty similar. I guess thats how it is with people who went overseas to study. Especially since we both went to different parts of Australia. we both realise just how frail/fragile relationships can be...

Also we both learnt how to cycle and swim at the later parts of our lives. haha And it is true..those who learn it later, value and appreciate have mastered it differently. The determination to learn it, is different.

Just all these little nuggets of similarities that made our conversation a lot more hilarious.

I even filled him in on the recent comperes history and the silly things thats happened.

In the past 10+ years, we have changed. All of us. no longer the happy go lucky, giggly youth that we were. We are more emotionally contained...and cautious at showing out silly sides.

Im just glad that we had such a good string of conversations. Thankfully it didn't turn out awkward...

Some people in our life, somehow leave such a big impression on our lives that we can meet them after such a long while and still talk like nothing has changed and time had not washed off some of that glimmer in the friendship.

Thank God for those... :)

God Bless

The good men suffer...

So recently, I met up with an old friend. One of my brothers in Comperes. At that moment where we knew each other, we were (in my opinion) such a close bunch of people. :) We were like a family of crazy ass people.

Then people started moving away..we were busy with our studies, work and family etc. some of us went overseas..

Now that most of us are back, meeting up with this friend was like meeting a new friend all over again...

I learnt quickly that he had his share of dark years... the kind of dark years that nobody should ever have. Yet 4 of my closest guy friends (including him) have had this same dark experience...

The girls that these 4 guys had, have in a way or another screwed these men up that they have become quiet and (whether they believe it or not) scared... and these guys are the nicest guys I've known. Mature, wise, full of fun :/

My 4 friends have become people who wont pin hopes on long lasting relationships...lost hope for love...Now, they distance themselves from love.....when they would make the best boyfriends to any lucky girl...
Why did something have to happen to the 4 nicest guys I know....
Girls, what were you thinking?!?! Why did you not treasure the 4 most amazing and stable guys?
Now you've gone and broken them... Thanks alot for nothing...
Thankfully they are mature enough to not turn 180 degrees and become playboys...

As for me, maybe one day I will find my own.....and hopefully he will be someone like any of these 4.

God Bless

Ups and downs

So these few days, I had bit too much anger in me. Stuff happened in school that made me want to shout at some students and I had all these strong punchlines to deliver...

When i finally got down to doing it, I didn't shout or scream. But i felt more disappointment than anything... But after hearing them speak, I felt bit of hope. And I dont think anyone can blame me for still being sceptical about how much they can change or achieve..because seriously..after being disappointed for so long...

Anyway, Im relieved that my club is on the road to recovering. lets hope that they can stick to that path... if they do, then they are on the verge of improving. And i will finally see them in the golden age.

On other news, Ive become fitter now. been doing lots more physical fitness so slowly toning up and losing just that annoying bit of weight. bit more zumba, stair climbing, swimming etc. I can do this shit!!! Gotta thank the colleagues and Saad for the support hahaha Oh rock climbing too!

I've recently also made new friends. 2 chinese sound guys who have been helping at our school events. No they are not from china. They are just normal singaporean guys who talk a lot of nonsense and basically have fun. Think they sensed that I wasn't too happy and invited me down to have some dessert.

Also recently reunited with an old poly friend. Julian. Amazing indian guy who never grows old! still looks like how he was but w a goatee hahahaha

And recently, I finally learnt how to cycle!!! WWWOoooooo! FINALLY!!!
Did 1 lap of East Coast from start to end. Was good even though I was soon ready to swear at pedestrians. LOL

So in essence, life is good! Life goals and achievements are being ticked off :)

GodBless

I remember why I dont watch movies anymore...

When people ask me about my fav past-time, I realise that there isn't much I can say and I dont even watch much movies.
Watched a movie recently and was reminded why...
Because I always end up really liking the male lead...
Of course a lot of woman get bowled over by the charms and chivalry of the male lead. And that exactly what I dnt like..about myself.
I get sold on that character and that idea very easily...
That guy from Divergent who looks a lot like Marlon Brando (Who also looks bloody good), The guy who acted as Star Lord In Guardians of the Galaxy and more...
Maybe just being single means you fall into that trap easily. That you start dreaming of a person like that who would fulfil those crazy fantasies.
And thats why I find it irritating and annoying when I find myself in these situations...
Its obviously human to end up dreaming of these crazily chiseled and mysterious "heroes" in ur dreams... unfortunately I might be one of them sad females i guess...

Whilst I know that the thoughts and character of a person is so imp, i hate to admit that looks do play a part, physique does play a part...

Maybe Im just a weak female after all...

Realization

Maybe its just one of those times that makes me just that bit more emotional... *shrugs

Anyway I was reminded today that as an officer, we can never and will never "belong" to any club. because we have to many of them. Which might be sad but it has to be so..I guess.
We have to be impartial, objective and hence its probe not a good idea to be too gummy to them, especially if you;re anything like me.

Anyway today is the wedding of two of the ISC alumni. Yes they are married to each other. :) I get bit excited to see the alumni, especially those who have come together, gotten married with each other etc. Today was like a double celebration..seeing them get married, and a mini unofficial ISC alumni gathering.

Admitedly, yesterday's headache left me dazed and almost unwilling to turn up. but knowing that the groom had personally asked me to turn up, I did...walking them walk down that aisle together did make me tear.

Catching up with some alumni who had disappeared for such a long timing resurfaced for this occasion, was a pleasant surprise.

But when one of them exclaimed and said " you are from ISC meh" twice, I gotta admit that my emotions and maybe even pride got the better of me. SIGH..

Truly I am not. :) I didn't sign up for it, never went through camp and interviews with them etc. Didi none of that with them and as such, if thats what it takes to be in ISC, no Im not from ISC.

This goes to show one thing though..I have spent too much time with my "kids" and forgotten how to live my own life. And now that such a reminder has been said, I can't help but tell myself " well...you sorta deserved that" "you weren't entirely there for them when they needed it and yet you were with them too much to remember that you had your own life. So essentially, its a lose lose situation. *shrugs*

do i feel hurt? yeah probably so. But hurt is as much a part of life as is happiness and anger. And such one just needs to learn from it. Where do I go from here? I guess Im reminded to step back bit more again. Which is a lot easier considering that I am no longer the officer of this club.

The members will always have their memories and feel their ownership of the club. But the officer will never have that sense of belonging. :) because the officer will always be seen as an officer.

God Bless

ramblings....

Graduation Ceremony is happening...
I didn't have many graduating students but those I had, I was happy and proud of them. :)
To see them grow within their years in SP is an amazing thing.
Some of them I know will conquer life because of their tenacity. Some I want to see enter the army and become men instead of just boys.

And then to those whom have become men and come back to visit, I always end up being amazed by how mature they've become. And I also wonder what Ive done to enjoy such privilege of their visitation....What have I done in my life?
Am I really a good officer? Or just someone whom the kids liked or felt was cool?

I guess no matter what it is, I dont want to take it for granted. I want to be a better officer..always.

And in the midst of that, i want to be a better person...

Maybe it seems almost desperate of me. Which I hope not..
But I guess sometimes I wonder what other girls have that I dont..maybe I'm just not feminine enough. LOL. dont have them X factor hahahaha
But honestly, whilst it makes me feel down sometimes...I mostly just want a person whom makes me laugh and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. Is that not what everybody wants?
What if there comes a day where the media corrupts people's minds to the point that people just can't accept the "normal" type of person in the real world. i.e: the non sexy, non provocative kinds haha
What if they are educated to think that the base line of a girl they like would be one with the moves and the makeup? That would be the saddest thing in the world..

Anyway... it almost feels like that is happening..

Just want someone who makes me laugh heartily... who has real thoughts, can be mature yet almost child-like at times, knows how to look after themselves and others. someone whom i can speak to for hours and not wonder if this person is actually listening or faking it?

The child in me...

Felt the need to be a kid at some point today. Some times its tiring to seem like you are in control or that you are mature all he time.. always thinking about all aspects of each matter.

Sometimes I just dont want to care about anything for a day...curl up in a chair and sip on milo, fall asleep in it, whine abit and have someone go " awww there there"

Am I the only weird one? Do we all at some point feel the need to be childish, to say silly things?

Or do we all do so well at being mature that it never occurred for us to just let it go?

In fact, I felt guilty feeling the need to be silly to a select few people whom I can trust to be silly to..

There are truly only a select few whom I feel I can bare my soul to..although I guess Im constantly worried about being judged and being viewed as weak and emotional.
I dont need to be judged or assessed. I just need to be loved, to be heard , and to be understood.

There are a bunch of people whom I can't bring myself to appear weak...

I guess Im really just waiting for the person, the One..to come, make me laugh make me feel that its okay to be myself in front of him. Like..really be myself. It's emotional, crazy, nonsensical, chatty, quiet, cuddly, nonchalant person..
To appreciate my contradictions without feeling the need to ask why until I take too long to tell him.
Someone who will sit by me, ask me how I am and wait patiently for me to conjure up the right words to say it...

God Bless

Love

Whilst walking to the train station and listening to a long song. I small empty feeling sorta surfaced. My head started thinking and this is what came out..

Love is knowing that the person would slow down his life if he needs to, to care for you. But not wanting him to do so because you know that you dnt want to be his stumbling block to his dream chasing. Its forcing yourself to say no because it's better for her, when what your heart really wants to shout out is an earth shattering YES. Is feeling weak and not having the strength to carry on, except for the spark of strength gained from the mere silhouette of a person whom you constantly remind yourself that he/she is the one that you are "fighting" for. Is to feel so much for a person that if you could, you'd envelope them in your arms forever, yet fearing that the strength and love you have in you, could hurt them, that you hold it back. Love is a contradicting matter. Some people choose to cast it off from their beings but it will never be possible. The same passion to cast it off, is the same passion that will be overwhelmed by it. Let love come and liken it to be a rose that is delicate and sweet smelling yet carries with it a sting which reminds you not to take love easily, but think twice of whether you would risk being pierced to obtain it. When you do pluck it, dnt take it for granted, display it and treasure it.

I put it on FB whilst on the train.

Of course love is more than this. And i gather that maybe I've forgotten half of what love is...
What i remember is the love my family and friends have given me.

Just can't wait for the moment when I know that I want feel bad for needing to talk to the person I love. Because Id know that he's all mine. 

God Bless

Letting go...

Dont start thinking that its about a guy. its not...

Today I felt the hot tears and the strain from my gritted teeth as I finally decided that somethings are just not worth fighting for. And you may find it ridiculous, silly, over emotional for me to actually feel so much for a club that Im looking after..but it is so. And knowing how silly these feelings of mine are, I decided to stop worrying about them and let them do their job. Despite having a gut feeling that they are heading in the wrong direction.

Maybe finally I can let it go. dont worry about whether this club is surviving..because i am washing my hands off them...

Admittedly Ive always had a fav club and with this happening, Im can finally be a more objective officer. Of course I do need to apologise to the other clubs I look after... I have not been fair..

Honestly, I feel disappointed. I do... And it will take time for me to get over that and look at them like any other of my clubs. Instead of constantly feeling the pinch.

*shrugs*

oh well.... shit happens...

God bless

First gig...

Saturday was nerve wrecking. took us a long time to come together to play a gig and i was so nervous that I forgot lyrics. Thankfully it was a small crowd and forgiving but I felt so bad...

Anyway as first gigs go, everyone is telling me that its fine and I just have to keep working at it..

The only thing stopping me from backing out, is that I might not want to go back to this if i give up now. Also that (only because they are friends of mine) I dont want to back out on them. If they decide that Im not up to it, then i guess...

Anyway..I need a few days to recover..then go back and look at the videos to see how to improve. it would be akin to having my meat sliced off again..but I have to do it no?

I have to...

God Bless

And of course Im just a regular human being

After meeting a bunch of ex students/old friends, i realised that sometimes...Im just a silly fool to think that after so many years of not meeting up, that I could expect things to be as they were before I left. And this time round I left the place feeling like I shunt have turned up or shudnt have joined in....

That maybe I shud have been more attentive at the signs..that maybe inviting me was a polite gesture and not an earnest invite. And if this was true...Im such a fool...

We all choose to think that we ware better and more valuable people than we are and things like that remind me of how truly small my circle of close friends are..and maybe I am just such a terrible and unappreciative human in people's eyes...

And these close friends of mine, are just the nicest most forgiving people I know...who tolerate me for who I am, or just have not known me enough to see my true colours, end hence, still have the tolerance and love for me...

So I sat at my void deck, stomaching this revelation and fighting back tears, because I realise how small of a person I am..how ignorantly silly...and unobservant I am...

I guess Ive been (as my colleague had once said) too innocent...

I guess I am just disappointed w myself.. and a small part of me is disappointed with others...

This is Me. Im not perfect and I might be an annoying person... Im sorry in advance...

God Bless

random much

So recently, my friend asked me to be a part of his band. Im pleasantly surprised and it was a lot of fun to sing for them. Of course Im not the lead singer at all and its understandable. But being able to be part of a band, working to get my singing right and hopefully eventually playing the keyboard..its exciting. Gonna work at it. This will be my only chance to really be in a band. Even though, all of them are Malay.
Truly..I dont think I've ever been very chinese when my friends are mostly malay and indian...
Also, Ive been keeping myself busy with other things like swimming and zumba. Thanks to Alan & Carrie, Ive kept going.  Ive also been going with my sis to pilates and also to zumba with Cal & Naz.
:) I guess my aim is to lose more weight..be more toned. :P
As for other things, everything is quite the same... which is annoying..need change..improvement
Been abit moodier recently...think time is making me agitated more easily...
to be honest, i know that me not having that someone is making me abit frustrated. I can't depend on any of my friends not because they're not reliable..but because...I can't let them take that on. They have their own lives...Puneet, Sonal, Cal, Neetz, Naz etc..love them to bits...but I need someone...

God Bless

I will cry...

will i cry for you sir?
and if i do, how many tears will flow?
how much do you mean to me?
to Singapore?
the things you've done for our nation,
the value of those things,
the sweat, tears, words of motivation.
what does that amount?

all that You've given to this island.
a teen amongst the nations older.
yet
the controversies that spin around like the black widow's web.
trying ever, ever trying to tarnish those white uniforms.

minus that from the whole of your works.
Will that make me cry for you sir?
Will that make my tears flow like the others next to me?

....Maybe i will
....i will
i will cry for you.
for your works, your sacrifice
you made this nation a worthy home.
I learnt that, whilst away from home.

but more so...
because you are but a human
who took the hardest tasks of believing
who still went home to a family of 5 after
after working for the family of millions tirelessly
who guided this lion cub with an iron fist connected to an understanding heart
who loved, loved your kids and wife with a tender invisible touch..

I will cry Sir
Cry as I say farewell
tears of joy for your release
tears of sadness for our lose
tears of gratitude for your tireless service
and tears of regret for not understanding till now
~~~

Thank you Mr Lee

setting goals again

This week, I pat myself on the back for being able to swim. Remembering that just last year, I embarked on my goal to take lessons and learn how to swim. Albeit I'm no where near getting the butterfly..but Ive got the freestyle and breast stroke. No Im not perfect with them.

This year, I need to set new learning goals.

Cycling and playing the guitar...

Yes..I cant cycle. The same response when I told people that I cant swim...

So I do want to learn how to cycle this year.

As for learning the guitar, I've had my guitar for years and since JC times, I've never really touched it.. need to do so now... again..

Its time...

God Bless

sick, party, reality check

Been sick the past few days. All started with a sore throat that grew into a monster of a fever, headache and running nose etc. That coupled by some smelly nonsense in school and that made my thursday quite shit. I took leave on friday...

But saturday was like a dream... us sistas heading to a yacht for a sista's birthday, playing music that pleased the crowd and decking up the place with simple buntings.. Feeling the wind in my face as we ride the waves... and thought back on when it was that Id last sat a boat like that... realising that it was my ex who put us on a bumboat ride around the Singapore river hahahaha because he had no money to out us on a yacht or cruise ship hahaha. Dont worry Im not being emotional. Its all past now.
In fact, if anything at all, Im happy that I managed to enjoy this yachting experience with my sistas! And that the birthday girl is happy with the surprise.

Im thankful that I was healthy enough to go and help despite knowing that i was perspiring abit more than usual just hanging buntings and that I wasn't in my most alert of minds..One of those out of body experiences..

I proved that i was an indian by my song selections. It would have made Sonal and Puneet proud too.
All the hindi songs and bhangra etc

We had the best time last night. :)

Then as I lay down on my bed last night... I realised that Im so glad I have this bunch of friends...none of them are chinese actually...my best friends are mostly Indian. My farmily is chinese yes but more western... and like Puneet said, I was one in a million. My character is so unique that I'm the centrespace between the cultures that actually appreciates the best of all the worlds.
Thats me...and Maybe being one in a million isn't that good a thing anymore...coz its a lot harder to find the other one in million...adding on to the small probability that the next one would be a chinese male.

So as I lay in my bed...i realised that maybe...just maybe..I will be alone in this world. surrounded by amazing friends and family etc. But maybe...this world hasn't made enough oddballs like me.

All I know is that I dot wanna lose my friends...ideally, I want someone who can assimilate into all my groups of friends..especially the ones dearest to me. Coz they are family...

Its going down...

So I'm sensing that a conversation that I've been having with a close friend is finally coming to a slow random rate. Unlike the daily exchange we used to have.
I know its not the end of a friendship but I guess maybe I have no confidence that this friendship might last as long or as strong as I want it to. Nor would it be healthy to have daily conversations with a friend. Not this friend at least.
Of course, I say this emotionally. The rationale me knows that my normal friends and I dnt even chat that much so for this conversation to taper down to a slow speed, would be akin to just slowing down to a walking pace. Walking is what I normally do.
Maybe its that the conversation has brought about a subconscious developing of a habit. And now that it is tapering down, it means this habit that I've unknowingly developed will now have to be unlearnt. *shrugs*
That sucks..hmmm

God Bless

pretty clear now...

Recently, reestablished contact with my ex. I guess i never really lost contact with him...I just never really "spoke" to him. Speaking and talking is slightly different to me. Like hearing vs listening...
Anyway, I sent the first email and we started a conversation. By the end of it, I came to a realisation that maybe both of us may never be more than "just a friend"
I probably got it wrong..but after my conversation with him, it brought to mind the same topic that my friend and I were talking about recently.."Alone protects me"
I feel like the person I knew no longer exists in its entirety...only a shell left...
Of course I probably say this because I would be the last person he confides in...maybe...and vice versa.
times have changed...
But i felt sad..not because of the person I lost...but because (if it is true) of whats left of the person.

Maybe I am wrong and I hope so..because..it would be a pity to lose such a wonderful person.
Not the outer sociable shell... but the one inside...

Whilst clearing my room, I came across the old postcards he wrote to me...the loving words he used to write. I think I miss having those words written/said to me... or maybe even the heart of the person who wrote it...but not him.

The past gatherings seeing him interact with others and his emails, really made my heart settle... as the final confirmation...that this person is no longer the person i loved... RIP B.

of course to me, that is a good thing. :)

As for him, he will be to me as a friend from long ago. :)

God Bless

Protection...

Had a very close friend who spoke about being alone as a protection...
Protection from what?

Protection from breaking hearts? from falling? from insecurity? from the lose of control? from lose of clear thought? from uncontrollable feelings? from incessive thoughts? from happiness without a cause? from incessive smilling? from laughs? from really long deep conversations? from having someone aside from yourself understanding and caring for you? from silent hours of conversations? of throwing your cares to the wind.

or all of the above?

why are we so scared?

addiction

We all have it. I have one. One that cant be bought at no matter how high the price. One that im utterly dependent on and getting out of it..is as bad as getting out of smoking or alcohol.

This same addiction affects my friends and family and my relationship with them.

It leaves me miserable when I dont have it and every day i think about when it will come (because I have no control over it)

And when I get it, i feel sick with how I react to it and it doesnt reduce the damage at all.

It doesnt however harm the health.

Today..I start consciously cutting down on this addiction.

God bless

1 of my rare revelations

So tonight, I felt the need to walk off some thoughts. Took a slow walk to Thomson. Not he way, I had a chat w myself. Which is creepy to many but it really is one of the best ways to sort out one's thoughts because you won't let yourself lie to you.

I realise that i was actually scared to be different form those i deem close to me. My bests, my close friends, bros and sistas. I realise how much I feared doing something wrong or different.. I keep imagining that what I say/do or dont say/do, would affect their relationships with me.

And it made me question who I was..what's my stand? what defines me?

I kept thinking that maybe Im too insensitive/boring for my friends..that i won't be a great friend. One of those that people would remember as being a great friend whom is indispensable.

Then I asked myself why I would need to be scared about this....

Having these many friends isn't what defines me. Its not what makes me Ning.

But if thats the case.. What am I? Where do I fit in? Into the grand scheme of things?

Then I realised that maybe Im meant to be undefined..maybe Im meant to be multi-faceted so that I can fit into as many places as possible. Maybe Im a jigsaw piece......

And maybe Im a piece that has 4 sides (as per normal jigsaw puzzles) that might not seem to ave a clear design on my own...but when placed together with others, int eh right place, brings to light the understanding of the jigsaw puzzle...perfectly fitting into the whole grand scheme of things...

Maybe the ones whom have a clearer idea of who they are, are the side pieces. because of that they spend less time finding out who they are and are also confined to the sides. While the rest of us, have more than 4 sides to fit into. We spend more time wondering how we fit in but when we fit in, its perfect and we bring more people together.

Maybe I am meant to be unclear because I am meant to be malible for people to connect to. Yet my fear has made me so scared of disappointing others that Id rather be on my own because I can't disappoint myself...

I shudnt be scared of being me. I shunt be scared to be different and not have the right things to say....I will never be perfect and nobody will really view me as perfect except God (because of Jesus Christ) The humans who view me as being perfect/cool/amazing/awesome..are all seeing what God has given them. Not because of anything else I did. Who I am is the basis/base line from where I improve myself.

God Bless

well wadhya know

so recently Ive come to like a particular person (big confession) and alike many of the others whom I've liked..it almost seems impossible. Always diff race/religion/age group etc. *shrugs*

I guess I'm deluded enough to keep this "friendship" with him, thinking that because Im very clear that it's impossible, that nothing would go wrong.

And as per the many past ones, Im caught in a little emotional pothole. 

And because I know that I will never be with this person. Maybe it easier to just say it to the wind that I do like him. :) because the wind blows it all away :) 

Yes I do like him. He's hilarious (in my opinion) and maybe thats what got me. He's honest (at least i think..to me) And we share too many stories. Its amazing how long our conversations are and how they make me smile uncontrollably. I find myself smiling at my phone or myself. He's got an amazing close knitted family and that attracted me too. Truly in our case, I can't call him a best friend because We never really went through stuff with each other. But he is definitely not an acquaintance. He's a confidante. So yes I do like him.

And of course, because I dont really know who reads my entries, and whether any of them know him. I just want to say, "please stop your speculations" And even if you did know who it was, don't say anything. I've very few close friendships in my life and this one I dont want to ruin. Whilst I dont know how I would ever be able to deal with a relationship and his friendship simultaneously, I dont want to lose the transparency and deep thinking conversations and friendship we have.

I can only pray at this point..that God would give me someone who is exactly like him if not better. Because Ive now found the kind of person that I want...

God Bless

One day dude..one day

Last night before I slept, i thought of many things..it almost got me sleepless. One of which was a hope..that one day. I would be able to have a proper conversation with my ex.
Dont assume that Im slipping back into a hole again.
Its not something that i havnt been thinking of. But it something I've lost faith in for such a long time.

I honestly want to recover our friendship to a point where we would be as good buds. Something in me felt that thats possible and that I would be able to once again have a hearty conversation with him.
But today, as I thought about how he is now, I don't know if we can still relate....
But something in me really wants to be perfectly honest w him and question if we can still relate to each other. Or has either of us lost a common trait somewhere along the way.

So we didnt get together. MEH Im ready to be good friends..because thats what we were before things changed. Like..Im ready to really try but ive always second guessed what he thinks.

I dont want our questions to be made of superficial "how are you doing"or "hows work"
I want someone whom I trust for honest opinions. Someone who still cares about my wellbeing and wudnt hesitate to give me the real answer. A brother.
I dont want us chuckling or laughing at each others jokes because its the right thing to do...

I know I've got friends whom have been that support system for me as well and Im not taking them for granted. One more good friend isnt too much. A broken relationship that is salvaged into a friendship...Some mistakes we make or that I made that I need to rectify because our friendship was too good to let it waste.

I know that it will take a while before I can face him physically and have as good a conversation because thats how I am. I am reserved. Im a reserved chinese. But the next we actually do have a coffee and sit down to chat, I want to be able to leave feeling like we did have an honest conversation again.. because I miss that. I really do.

One day when all us friends come together, i want to be able to joke with all of them and know that I dont need to put up a jovial front because they know me too well. And that I am actually comfortable.

I know its taken me a bloody decade to really commit to this hope and not be detered by it. But somehow, something have happened that made me realize this. I made a promise to him once that we would still be friends. I intend to keep it.

One day Pravin.

Charging up

Been thinking alot about how I want this year to be and Im trying to psyche myself up to really give my 200% this year to achieve as much as I can.

Truly ive been inspired by my sisters, close friends etc to really do stuff this year. Last year was a great year too but I know that somewhere, I lost my goal and let myself drift down the river. 

This year, the goal is not to let things just flow so easily...

This year will be conquered. 

As one of my good friends says, "wake up and tell yourself that you;re awesome!" Because you are!!!

:)

Im thankful to have so many people whom love me for who I am and who I could be. Seriously.

This year I HAVE to do something and any of you who read this and know me..you gonna have to keep tabs on me. make sure I live up to this promise to myself!

Thank God for Great Friends!!!

God Bless

Getting back into the mood of work

The end of last year was amazing and I had loads of love and fun but however much I love it, I need to get myself back into the productive mood.

Had abit of counselling session by Puneet. Got myself into a little motional melancholic bubble and he pretty much cheeerleaded me into psychoing myself that I am awesome.

Now I need to garner that awesomeness to knock of that to-do list like playing Pop Goes The Weasel....

Come ON Ning!!!!! You can SOOOOOO DO THIS SHIT!!!!!!

THIS YEAR WILL BE YOUR GAME YEAR!!!!!

RRAAWWRRRRR!

God BLess

Best line in West Wing. Best line ever used yet not mushy..

Season 7 Episode 21...

When Cj confronts Dan and admits that she's not good at sharing her life when she's so used to working independently with men.

 Dan: You can be scared. Thats okay. But you're not gonna walk away from me because you;re scared. Im not that scary.

-

-

-

Dan: ..... I want us to talk like we're gonna figure it out together. I want us to talk because I like the sound of your voice. I just wanna talk!

Such a simple dialogue but it was soo clear and solo sincere and sweet.

I want that too...

I want someone to talk about everything to. And if we dont talk, I want someone I can sit next to and still feel like we had a meaningful time.

God Bless

New Year Resolutions

Been thinking about this...here it is..

1) learn to cycle
2) go for singing classes
3) Stay/get fitter w zumba and swimming/pilates/rockclimbing
4) write more songs
5) get to know more people
6) practise my guitar
7) Jam w Farmily
8) handle things more meticulously
9) spend more time with family, get to know them
10) love myself

Thanks it..i think...its a lot actually hahahaha

God Bless