its sad..so sad..its a sad sad situation...

I cant begin to describe whatt he past few days were like...not coz I cant do it...but coz there was just too much emotion going around that...just cant man...

All i know now..is that my auntie is in heaven...her body was cremated yesterday int he pits of a blazing fire that cud be seen a mile away...as it slowly went into the furnace..the sobs I heard from my family..became louder and .....you get my drift. I for one, held on to my sis for dear life as I saw my auntie's body slowly pushed into the fire....I know this is psychotic but as the lights to the "burning" room turned on...it felt like a monstor was awaken...or the machine was turned on....I cried more playing in my head how my auntie always used to say "bye Ning" when we went home on sunday evening...the way she says it is sooo distinct that no one else can imitate. it played in my head as if she was saying bye as she died and as her body was burnt...and I...I could only say one thing, " Bye Ngoh yee"

The beautifully made coffin and her...were burnt together...in the end wats left and wats scooped into the urn...is the coffin and her body...her cancerous cells..her everything...

By the time everything was done....I was in a way relieved...coz its all over. She is finally free...we are finally free...free to not remember her as the ill auntie she was...but as the cheerful auntie and helthy auntie she used to be. No more wheelchairs, no more diapers, no more breathing apparatus..no more dreadful medical equipment that constantly reminded us abt how much she suffered...no more..she is now healthy n up there drinking wine w God.

We all went home to my grandparents place...as the hours went by, we became happier. we lived more int he memories...:) My grandparents were the ones who suffered most. As the chinese say..its not right for the white-haired to send the black-haired off. In other words, its not right for the older generation to see their younger generation die. My heart and everyone's heart ached n sank as my grandparents stood around her coffin during the wake. When they stood there, they cried. When they sat by it...they looked into thin air...My grandpa was frail..his usually suave hairdo (alike sean connery) was undone..messy and his eyes were perpetually red and sagged. My grandma was white...all white..pale to the bone.

My aunties were no better..but they tried to deal w it..by making sure everything was run smoothly.

The cousins...my cousins...cried. Both guys n girls...cried, red-eyed, some of us..to emotional to go near the coffin...to see her facee...I cried when I 1st saw it and when I saw her pic at the head of the coffin (the healthy one) id forgotten how she looked like when she was relatively healthy...On the last night...we cousins stayed by her coffin through the night...

Lastly...my auntie's husband...He was soo grieved that he was stoned. he cudnt function...he cudnt stand straight even. Through the 3 days...he stood hunched coz he diditn ahve enough eneergy to push his body up straight. He stood slumped...like my grandpa...My auntie was the love of his life...

I'll cotinue another day...too much for now...

love