I SUCK!

Im very very very dissappointed with myself....went back to sch for rehearsal and....I just screwed the thing up ...ust like how I screwed up my audition! (f words flying around my head) Im just so bloody pissed with myself! Its no point saying Im good when I fuck up when I shouldnt! I always choose the fuck up at the worst of times...Whatever I did today..if I had done that in any of my events...id be fired from Comperes...
Dont worry...I wont give up....much as Ive become very tired after each session....I honestly lost my confidence in some ways..but..confidence is a result of courage...
tc u guys. :/

love

Ren!!!

K today was busy. Was trying to learn about the toteboard n edusave stuff. The prob w the system these days is that its all electronic...it cud help in some ways but it just makes other things worse! I really have no idea how many times I walked to the accounts side to ask them to explain to me n stuff. They're probably cursing me now hahaha other than that, work is great! I want to do thigns well...yet..there are times where I really feel damn stupid..asking stupid questions!!! haiz... Boss..tahan me okay? :/
oh btw, while I was going home, I walked past the fruit stall...loh n behold I saw this man trying to buy durian (the styrofoam dish packed ones) he held the pack with both hands n brought the thing close ot his nose to smell. As he did that, he was also clipping his cigarette between his fingers. Cigarette filled durians! Sheesh!
K as for my songwriting..I lost allt he juice in me.... :(....maybe this is noe of those times where songwriters lose their muse! Maybe Ive lost mine too! SHOOT! sigh..I'll just have to wait for it to come back hahaha
k ending here! You all take care! :P
BTW!!! got carnival at our old sch! (all braddell or westlake exs) come join the fun! :P 2July!!!

LOVE

Ren!

Ive lost my muse....partially

Was at the clubhouse after dinner, trying to write songs w my neighbour....I guess my song juices have run dry coz...no matter how many songs I write...I just never have the tune to go with it! My fav song....Four...doesnt have a tune because I want it to be good...and not like any other songs Ive written...I want the tune n rythmn to be different!..alas...neither of us could get the tune.... Ive lost my muse.....
I realized tat the freaky uncle that I bump into at the kopitiam near my place..(those who eye me while I walk past) are the security guards of my estate! I dont know what to say man! Its bloody scary! I know I shudnt judge books by their covers...but...I just get hair standing on ends when I see them look at me! SHIT! And now they're my security guards?!?!?! Bummer!
Work was abit stressful...starting to worry abt my competency.....I've been asking a thousand stupid questions boy! Somehow makes me wonder if htey regret takng me in! But I will try my best!
Other than that, everything seems good! Getting a gig soon (cross fingers) pay is very low but doesnt matter to me. Its the exposure and the experience. :)
Very sleepy now....gonna go sleep... NITEZ

:)

Im in a better mood to write today. :)
I think I did injustice to my frens who came. :P Thinking back..I dont think Id ever get over my nervousness byt he end of the song..if it hadnt been for them...I thank all of those who came. Everyone of you made my day yah. You are indeed my family! hahaha Esp my sweetest sweet sister! Someone whom I nickname as "sweets" hahaha thanks! You truly truly helped me by being there. Id never forget how u sat w me while I cried ( years ago)

Someone told me not to forget him/her whe I get famous hahaha Well....we'll really have to wait n see huh hahahaha Right now, Im just happy that my song got in second :P Im also bowled over by the winner's entry! Completely bowled over! hahahaha Have put it on my mp3 player. :P Hoping to meet this guy..I wanna find out what inspired him to write this song...wanna see who's the person behind the voice...hmmm
Last night, I went down to my clubhse..by the pool, writing my songs...suddenly I felt the urge to write songs again...maybe not because of my winning 2nd prize...but my the winner's song.....made me wanna write something compelling...something that will make pple "ahhhhh" byt he end of the song.....

All in all, Im getting along well. :P (listening tot eh guy's song now) Will I ever get to cut my own cd? without having to pay for it hahaha ...oh well....I'll let you know when I do get to do that...wont be anytime soon but..yeah

LOVE

audition...

The audition was a flop... my voice broke n my timing sucked....Im seriously not surprised that I wudnt get in...dont ask me exactly wat happened coz.....its quite awful for me to describe....I didnt cry...I accepted it actually...I think the only time I cried for this kind of thing...was in yr1...so..its really...watever. :/ *shrugs* But honestly...much as I dont cry...Ive still lost a small spark ni me...That I'm not as good as I think I am...That...things arent gonna work out for m,e and singing...I honestly dont know if Id go join another contest...yes...ive lost my confidence... :( Im sorry to all those I promised before...to join singing contests or such stuff..thing is...im not really good enough. so there :)
What this contest did bring me...was that...I got to see my frens! I got to taste the power of frenship...the power of support from frens... Thanks for being there to support me..even if u cudnt make it on time. :)
Anyway..one bad news deserves a good one! My song is second place for a songwriting competition. :D Great news!!! Dun ask me how much i got yah..I really dont know hahaha but it doesnt matter to me...well..not that much at least. http://www.spsong.sites.cc/ I dotn know how I did it..really.....Go listen tot he winner's song as well. ITS GREAT!!! I wish I knew him! It..moved me....Something Id expect out of staind or puddle of mudd....:) LOVE IT! A song I can imagine as a lullaby..sleeping to...or listening while on the road with a heart full of love and a person in mind. :)
So thats what happened today. :) as Aerosmith wud say...MOVE ON!

love

I made a mistake....

the ballet ended arnd...11:15pm. Saw a few frens on the way home n it really cheered me up just to see them!!! i hadnt smiled in...the past 45mins b4 seeing them hahahaha
Heres why:
I chose the wrong person to go with me. No doubt this person is someone i treat as a fren...yet when we meet up and talk..it really seems like theres nothing to talk about....I feel ilke theres a mix up of frequencies between us and the more I try to communicate, the moer I feel stupid.....I gave up after the intermission....mentally, I told myself that...this is an impossible fren to make...
Am I such a hard person to talk to? Whats wrong w me? Is it that I talk alot..talk alot abt myself? My sensitivity is often my undoiing.... :( I told myself that maybe I shudnt meet this fren anymore....sms and stuff will do. Not coz I dont regard him aas a fren...just tat meeting him wud bring abt discomfort for the both of us. If thats so, why put ourselves through this torture? I know guys who can irritate me tot he core. Honestly, there are times where I wish I didnt have to chat long w them. Maybe I'm one of those guys now. What if? Im not out to torture anyone....
I also admit that I have a liking for this guy...but maybe coz he resembles my ex.....Im ashamed even to think of all this. If so, all the more I shud control myself. Not that I call him or sms him every day k. I dont. its more like once a month or less. But what I realize is...he can never be my ex. Nor can anyoneelse. The next one can never be my ex...he can only be himself. Dont have to remind me that my ex is gone hahaha I know that...Ive gotten over the most of it. The leftover will be stored somewhere inside for my leftover years hahaha So today..was a mistake....
The ballet was excellent though hahaha Im impressed by the dancers but I still wudnt consider learning ballet or watching ballet often..i think it'd get to me after awhile. :)

love (tired)

pics!

Just updated the comperes frenster site :P added in quite a few pics hahah all of which induce a smile hahaha Makes me think abt the past hahah how fun it was hahaha I reliaze no matter how gd and bad the memories were frombeing in comeperes, eventually when I think abt it now, All i can feel is the intensity of the prescence of emotions...meaning...I dont feel the gdness or badness anymore..I just feel an intense soft spot for those times..for compereing...it just makes my heatr race..makes me smile :) Maybe in 5 years more, Id look back n finally realize that I wud nvr have wanted my life in any other way..every second of it. :) Its all good!
Right now, Im just trying to practice my speech, do up my tuition materials, practice singing n doing up my game section of the newsletter :)

Easy Peasy! Lemon Squeezy!

grooving to the beats my boss lent me hahaha We've been sharing treasure (music) my boss is ...different! haahha she's got a thing for rap, alt music, RnB, anything that makes u wanna shake ur bootie hahah even Bhangra!!! I think this is the biggest common point between us! hahaha i showed her what I had and needless to say, she has alot of what I have hahaha :P She was asking me why I had soo many bhangra songs hahahWhat can I say! I had an indian as a bf and my closest frens were indians, installing me the love to dance. Naturally, I grew to love bhangra! hahaha Afterall, I am half indian right!?!?! hahahaha Well at least I look ilke one! Im sure my fellow indian sistas will be grining now hahahaha
Anyway, work was okay today. Was stressed coz Im gonna be planning the newsletter and I honestly dont know if what I do will be good enough. :( I'll try my best!
Audition is this sunday..Im...nervous! Dont know what to wear...dont know what to do.... :( shit...
My tuition kid was a farting machine today.... :( still thinking of way to make him learn in a fun way hahaha running out of ideas!

LOVE

....zzzz

Today isnt a busy day..but a tiring day. The 1st time I went out w my dept for an event..a seminar. Was doing the sound system and I was sooo scared I'd screw up..:( I guess I did...but I tried my best... :( Int eh end, i sorta felt like Iw as causing more trouble than good. :( Also got a chance to toucha violin n play it. :D thinking of taking up violin..abit hehehehe it is tough actually...coz violin isnt like the guitar where the frets are all mapped out on the fret board for you. :(
K the topic for today....communication...
I spoke to a fren today...He's a very nice guy, jokes n stuff...but...(heres the prob) I feel like I have chemistry ( as in frens chemistry) yet..I feel like I dont. How do I explain this......there are alot of pple whom Id be ever glad to talk to. Pple whom I feel I can tell my life to...pple whom I feel I can share my deepest feelings with. For others, I just tell tham what I feel coz I have to..or maybe those whom I dont like to talk to at all. For those whom I feel I can share my real feelings with, there are many..but yet Some of them...Its just hard for me to start! For this guy, I like him as a person, I feel like I can joke with him. I'd love to meet up with him! But...when I do meet up with him, its like we have nothing worth talking abt. But no matter how often that happens, I still feel like I wanna meet up with him next time. no matter how akward the previous meeting was.
Im even contemplating to tell him abt thwta I just wrote. it really seems like I cud treat him as a real pal or bro....yet when we get together, its like....we dont talk. we just...stone! he's got a different perspective in life...he looks at the 4 corners of a room in a different light than me...its ilke looking at a glass with water filled to the middle and wanting to fill the empty space with other drinks he has..experimenting..while I just fill it w the same drink or drinkt he half filled glass. But all in all, he's a very nice guy! ver y funny...very mature n toned down.....yet almost like a kid at times..witht he sheepish grin....
I admit...I do find him...interesting...a little fond of him...but I know that Id be fond of any nice guy these days...not to mention nice, gd-lking and tall indian guys....yeah...I admit... but just coz I have that feeling, doesnt mean I acttively act upon it...it would be rash of me. Just frens.
likewise for other pple whom I have alot of respect for, and feel like communicating w them not only on a higher n lower status level..but as a fren... I wish.
K gonna go. Have to sleep..very very sleepy!

LOVE

.....

Dead tired..rushed to sch after work, for rehearsal... didnt do well in rehearsal coz I guess i didnt have that "spark" today...:( Nvm! Try harder! I dont want to lose this last chance to be in stage, in SP soil, on the last day of my poly life...:P
Had one of those stupid dreams again...dreams that bring me back to the past...things that I dont want to remember....Well, many pple have different theories as to what dreams are made of. Some say that its a msg from God, some say that dreams are a glimpse of the future (thus the Deja vu), some say that dreams are made of things that we try to keep ourselves from thinking and some say that dreams are formed when the brain tries to use our resting time to sort out and understand whats in our brain. I think....I'll stick to my own theory... Dreams are stories that deep inside, we want it to happen. Esp when they are things we want to happen but its impossible to happen, they appear more often hahahah so...yeah..its one of those dreams. :/ nvm..it'll go away tomorrow. Just that for those split seconds that i remember it, I acn still feel something...
Another thing I learnt today...how to order drinks hahaha Teh siu Tai, Teh kah Dai, Teh C, Teh C Kah Dai..etc..Tat Kiu (Milo) , Lang gao zui (ice lemon tea)..etc...my colleagues order drinks like no tomorrow! hahaha time I learnt the tricks of the trade..well not exactly fitting my job description but hey what the heck! hahahaha leats next time I dont order drinks until the uncle dont understand hahaha
Other than all this, everything's quite fine! Been yearning to pick up the pen again..to write songs....theres just so many songs Ive written halfway that..its just not funny anymore! Btw, my boss is actually willing to let me try hosting for one of our events! Its GREAT news!!! I nvr thought that I could get this chance (if I really do it) I honestly...wouldnt mind not getting paid....not that I dont want to get paid....but my theory is..if I set my sights too high...and try to jump for the highest step...Im gonna miss out on the nearer n easier to reach steps....eventually...I might not even be able to get to where I aim to go! Of course I wanna get higher! haha Likewise for experience, pay, etc
2nd day of my contacts...felt like everyone was looking at me!!! Eyes getting quite dry but they are not painful...getting the hang of it. :)

LOVE

The place where I found love! :P Love for compereing, acting, frens, siblings..etc! 

Meow Meow!!! Isnt she pretty!  

MTV Me! 

Freaky shit!

Played with Meowster today hahaha (k I know its a lame name hahah but heck!) For those of you who don't know who meowster is, she's the cat that's in my pics :P Such a darling!!! Ive fallen in love with her!!!
Anyway, while playing with Meowster, the freky neighbour came along...his footsteps so heavy and elaborate that I know he was doing it to get my attention. sigh..He's a good guy but I just dont feel a chemistry with him. (not even a chemistry to be frens) He made a comment, "You like cats alot don't you?" I just explained that I liked this particular cat only (which is true...) he then carried on to say, "Its amazing how it knows when to come and look for you." Well, Meowster doesnt look for me per se. She hangs around her coz its where she lives and where pple give her food. She just comes over and say hi when I call her. Told him all that n he said, "Well thats like both of us. How ..I live here..and you live here..." .....Ehmmm ookkkkaaayyy
yha I know..Im very very bad! My attitude getting from bad to worse!
Anyway, 1st day w contacts n i feel like theres an eyelash stuck in my eye... :( It has made my day clearer hahah DUH! Also had the Ronery Song stuck in my head hahaha simply coz my boss was crazy abt it and I passed a copy of it to her hahahaha From today on, its declared that we start the day with a "Hello" song and end it with, "Ronery" hahahaha What a laugh each day will be!
Finished reading a book today...abt how a girl went to stay at her cousins place, hoping to make new frens n find a "someone"...only to be molested by her own uncle. Serious Freaky Shit! The world is warped and ironic..the ones we respect..or are told to respect....can often be the ones who hurt us most...
If so, who do we trust? sigh...
About the pics, one of them is Meowster and I (before she salivated on my shorts), another is of my MTV colleague and I (the day before I leave) and the last one..is my favourite! The place where all my dreams came true. :) A simple room like that...yet it houses the deepest, closest, funniest and happiest of memories :P Like how my sistas and I went there, blast the room w bhangra and started dancing our heads off hahahahaha...LOVE IT! Which is why I had to take a pic of it! hahaha
K will stop here! getting sleepy! Take care yah!

LOVE!

*puffed up face*..holding breathe....for fun.... :D

K Ive lost creativity..cant be bothered to think of a title... *shrugs*
Went to 7 eleven near my place n chatted w the auntie there abit hahah She asked me why I don't do acting like my fren. hahaha I was wondering which fren of mine has done acting n has met her...the one that came into my mind 1st was pravin so I tot she was talking abt him hahaha She then mentioned Light Years..that local drama thingy hahaha...I guess its not pravin then hahaha He cant be in Light Years! I don't even know anyone acting in Light Years!..Do I? Hmmm The auntie said she saw me on tv...apparently, I was talking to a minister in a show..even before he became a minister....Vivien Balakrishnan? I cant rememebr boy! hahahaha Wah auntie's memory is better than me hahaha Assuming she's right (which she insists it is) hahaha All I said was, "I trust you auntie" We laughed, I said goodbye and went home hahaha

Had tuition after work....Xavier (my kid..no I mean my tuition kid) has trouble writing. I wonder if its a guy thing...hahaha to not be able to write properly...His words look like they can fly! hahaha I guess I got a bit firm w the poor kid but I dont think I had a choice. I dont want to seem like a pushover to him. Nor do I want to exert pressure on him at such an early age...he has to learn how to enjoy writing more. :/ Poor kid. Today's homework: Copy 3 lines that Ive written for him, 3 times. The sentences are, "I like dogs","I don't like dog shit" and "Dog shit is smelly!" hahaha not exactly textbook eg ah hahaha
I felt bad after making him go through every line he wrote for mistakes. :( I know its torture for him. :( Itd be for me hahaha To lighten everything, i started to explain why I was drilling him w all this writing...an analogy..
Heres what I said,
Assuming he wanted to buy a sweet that cost $2. he didnt have enuff money so he ran to his mum for money. Mum tells him to get the money from her wallet and he does. He happily runs downstairs with the money tightly in his fist, only to find out that as he opens his hands to pay the uncle for the sweet, that he had only taken $1. He had miscalculated the money. Because of this, he'd end up w no sweet.
The logic behind this: he has to learn to pay attention to detail, learn from lessons..to be able to get the $2 that he deserves and eventually, the sweet that he deserves.
......You know......come to think of it..my analogy isnt very good leh! hahaha SHIT! The one who can do great analogies is my current boss hahahah :P She makes every difficult situation easy to understand w her analogies and they just seem to come out of her head..the way she breathes. I'm actually quite in awe of this! hahaha I rememebr wishing I cud be like that hahaha but none of my colleagues and I can ever reach my boss's stage hahaha Im glad Im in SSO hahaha learning things every day :P
Well, it seems that Xavier looks forward to tuition :P I hope that doesnt change hahaha. This kid might not be the cutest of kids...and he tends to cheat in games hahahah but he's smart!

LOVE
PS: got pics on the way...next entry

Forgot...Psycopaths

I remember doing GP and loving it because of how controversial things could be. Abortion rights, euthanasia, technology being a double edged sword, Freedom of rights..etc. The world works in a way where...nothing is clearly what it is. Theres alot of grey areas..in matter of fact..we can easily say that reality is 90% grey and the rest are...probably a darker shade to black or light enuff to round off as white.
Was talking to one of my lecturers a few days ago and he was talking abt his old teacher. How he'd conjure up a scenario that will make u end up w a dilemma on which side to tak...right or wrong.
Take for eg: some people say abortion is wrong...which I agree to an extent. What if it was a lady who was in a danger of losing her own life if she gave birth to this kid? What if the baby had a terminal disease detected even before he was born? like ...AIDS... what if the mother and father (provided the father is still there) have absolutely no money to care for this child? It being born would be left to die? what then is the right answer? What if....the mother was raped to start with? She doesnt no who the father is and is too young to support the child?
The question I want to ask is....there are psycopaths who have become like that because of what they have been through as a child. Sigmund Freud I think... Some of them have been abused as kids, sexually, physically, mentally. They learnt things in a different way ( different ways to conjure comfort or gain security) Some rape to feel in control, some kill or abuse to feel in control, or only coz thats the way they know to express themselves.... Some (fortunate or unfortunate) end up depressed and mentally unsound etc but harmless... My point is....who shud be to blame? The parents (often the abusers), the abusers (if any others), the living condition (linking back to the government), education, or....the killers themselves? What if they're urge to commit a crime was..something out of their control? Stealing n robbing for money to buy drugs that they've lived with since young. Raping to satisfy an urge of being in control...etc. Can anythign really be in control? sex addicts aer often victims of rape or sexual abuse themselves....
Im not saying all are like that. Some of them...are just plain murderers. But really... but some are just vicious cycles handed down from generation to generation...growing as they are passed down. Its like a vicious cycle. Some studies claim that there are criminal genes passed down...maybe... or maybe its coz they are exposed to the killers (their parents) since young..and learned a few lessons ..obviously. Afterall, you learn stuff the moment your eyes and ears are functioning properly...dont they say we shud play music to our unborn kids to increase their intelligence..hopefully become a musician? Maybe maybe maybe.
Its obvious that not only one factor comes into play to tune a person into a criminal. Alot of factors come in. so many factors build a criminal that its hard to pin point which are the main ones. But which are the common ones? (hell I feel like Im writing a GP essay)
so yeah...att he end of the day, what can be done to reduce all this crime happening..esp rape...sexual abuse..etc...is punishment gonna be the only thing that helps? Do we just try to containt he fire? Are there ways to prevent a fire from even starting? Dot hey help? Do pple who ahve a prob... really come up n admit it n ask for help? do they even know they have a prob?
Porb w me..is that I assume too much...there are probably soo many white spaces in this entry n thiese views that my GP teacher wud still give me an F if I show this to her hahahaha but I love all this hahaha
Please go watch Gattaca. Its abt technology getting the upper hand, dictating ourlifes in a subtle yet obvious way. We dont know it but we are int eh hands off technology... We dont even need robots n stuff to be created...and we're already controlled by technology. Should we work to accomplish our dreams or give up because technology says not to? Should we do all we can to live the life we're meant to live...even if it means we have to breakt eh law? Technology could very well create a new kind of slavery amongst humans...a slavery reagrdless of race, nationality...just quality of genes..breed...natural pedigree or scientifically modified? which is better?
K Ive said enuff riddles. PLEASE go watch it! Hahaha

LOVE

New Paper....

Today's New Paper had an agenda. Showcasing psychopaths and shocasing bloggers. Seems like the hottest topic in town these few days.
The "chopped up" china lady and the "nude" blogger...and the rdiculously famous Xiaxue...sigh.
Lets start w the China lady. New paper chose to focus ont eh gruesome part of this case...how police had to comb through heaps of rubbish to find the head n limbs. Note: The feet arent found yet. I havnt read about the suspected murderer's motives to kill the girl so correct me if Im wrong...somehow it seems like the girl was extorting money from him. Esp aftetr their close relationship. My dad called me into his room to make me listen to this news (abt her being chopped into pieces) and I went, "huh? ...okay." I know its a caution for me lah but if I want to follow the facts, I dont think, Id get into an affair w a married man n exhort him for money...not to mention someone so emm "not good looking" So dad...please RELAX! What Im wondering as well..is how the guy managed to throw the parts intot he river without being seen? How can he haul allt he parts into the river without someone noticing? or was it some passerby who tipped the police off after listening tot eh news? So how did a guy haul everything (in coloured bags mind you) throw all of the bags intot he see without being seen? Spore river restricts pple throwing rubbish intot he sea (like all rivers) so naturally if I see someone throwing something intot he sea, it will catch my eye coz its againstt he law. Not to mention so many bags. Unless he did all this at night. Even at night...isnt spore river supposed to be..crowding w pple? Hmm k wellm aybe I dont know spore river well enuff. There cud be some hidden spots that he knows abt n I dont hahaha maybe where he n this girl used to hide n hangout! hahaha
The nude blogger. believe it or not..she's 19. Honestly, she looks like..early 20's? I know for a factt hat she will regret it...in years to come..she might very well be remembered for that...while she tries to score a job at an interview. The part where she says that she feels her desire to remain unknown outside the web is infringed upon......DUH! Its her wish to take nude pics..fine! But to put it online! Thats (for the 1st time I agree w Xiaxue) STUPID! Nothing you put online can ever be retracted from it!!! You can take it down now but in years to come...one way or the other, it will still come back n haunt you. I wouldnt be surprised if someone had already dled it n made it their wallpaper or something...of used it n changed it w photoshop! hahaha Dont talk abt infringement of privacy outside the web anymore. The girl shud have considered that the moment she decided to put the pic online. Mere stupididty. Of course she'd score a book deal hahahahait would be sell out!
As for xiaxue...I dont know if my sch shud be proud of her..she's popular...even gets chances to write for SPH, has her own shirts..but...I know alot of pple who dont like her...Im gonna be honest n say that Im one of them. (as if you dont know it already) I feel she bitches abt the smallest things. Things that are not offensive....purely normal but different than her. She has a head on her shoulders you know. I admit. She has good view points at times...AT TIMES. But for someone who consciously dresses up and applies makeup daily to go to school.....for what? lectures? tutorials? Theres not gonna be talent scout sitting in lectures or tutorials waiting to catch the next superstar look alike! I got o sch in shirt n shorts n sandals! hahahaha never got caught for it.
Change of topic: Was looking at my sister's cupboard...loads of books.....realized that theres just sooo many good books that I havnt read! To kill a mocking bird, one flew over the cuckoo's nest, david Baldacci stuff, Dan Brown stuff, Agatha Christie, Virginia Woolf Stuff, Journay tot he centre of the earth, alice in wonderland (full version), 20,000 leagues under the sea, around teh world in 80 days, Toni Morrison stuff...etc etc etc yahda yahda yahda.... I want to read all this man! hahaha even Memoires of a geisha! damn!!!! So new year revolution (now no time) read more bks!! GOOD BOOKS! hahahaha
Oh! To those who are from braddell or westlake or both...Farewell Dinner is at orchid Country Club on 2 dec(friday) for $48. 10 pple per table. Call the sch up for bookings or juniors or teachers you know. Dont ask me the number of the sch k. I dont know. Dial 100 to find out if you have to.
Kudos everyone!

LOVE

whats wrong w me ah?

I killed a snail...unintentionally!....stepped on it.... :(...Im sorry
Today was a long day.....but a good one... :) had alot of fun w my sistas. We went to East Coast to roller blade n ehmm try to cycle. hahaha I dont know how to cycle mah. *PEACE* I felt like kid again. :) Being w the sistas whom ..well...we literally grew up together! Since sec one. Im blessed to have these frens!
I guess we sorts know each toehr inside out hahaha each tohers gd n bad points? LIke how one of them is always late hahahaha much as we forgive her everytime, doesnt mean we forget abt it :P today wasnt the exception..sigh..but we still love her lah. all in all, today is a great day! Except that I had to leave early coz of a stupid curfew.....sucks man......spoke to my big sista abt it and honestly, I wish I cud be courageous enuff to stand up to him sometimes...:( unfortunately.....
The reason why i wrote the title in this way, is because....I found myself swearing too much. Every single bad thing that happened........was awarded w a F&*^ today...its become sooo common that I can only catch myself say it halfway. When I told my big sista abt my dad n my family in general....I cant even begin to count the number of F words I used! My temper has become soo short! but what my sis said is right.....knowing it is one thing....doing soemthing abt it is another!. Another thing that Im wondering abt ...is whether I give pple the wrong impression abt me....whether I appear fierce or ignorant etc on 1st impression. I tend to look angry when Im thinking abt something...I dont what that....serious yes but not pissed or unapproachable. If u think I look angry, let me know k? There are alot of times where I probably wudnt know how I look to pple.
I think its also coz Im dead tired........I was rude to my mom today....I regret it...she actually didnt say anythign abt it but I know she feels sad. She did mention to me once and its true..I ahve been snappier....i apologize....I dont even know what came over me.....one hunch..is....after my relationship....I know its been a year n stuff n I shud have gotten over it. but things arent that easy. In matter of fact, it was only 2 months ago that I finally got everything settled....Im not pissed or angry abt it anymore...in matter of fact, I just gone...F it! so maybe thats it....saying everything I wanted to say...made a clear passage way for me to want to fully express myself now. Even if it means more Fs.
Anyway, im trying to kick the habit. :) Im just glad Ive found myself again.
k gonna go. sleep.... may tomorrow be better...a life I want to live....

You i wish I cud hold
you I wish u could hold
me till my legs give way
me I wish i cud just fall
you i wish you cud just fall
in love w me some day

i can walk, i can talk
i'll be myself each day
but in moonlight
when everyone sleeps tight
I find another me awake

(just a little mumble..dont think too much)

love

:D

Im happy today!!! :P Spoke to my boss and she was glad I was mixing well w the rest. it seems that the rest of her colleagues dont take to newcomers very likely. Not that they are bad pple lah...just cautious. IM glad she said that and felt that way...coz I honestly, was trying to come out of my antisocial shell! I felt like every time I went out w them, I had to try to keep up w their conversations. Everytime I felt a negative reaction, I tried to tell myself that things arent what they seem. At least now, I feel better.
I admire my boss....she's different from the bosses ive had...they are all charismatic byt he way..but in their own ways :) Shawn was a gangster boss who was vulgarly vulgar but still showed care n concern for his employees :P He'd tease you n stuff but thats reall how he is! he made me want to work my hardest for him. :) Shan...hahah she's just a ball of fun! So informal and honest, yet sooo professional! hahaha I can just think of her and start laughing. Of course when she's working , she can be serious n look sooo stern! As for my boss now, she's seen the world. she's very very very smart and observant n intuitive! She seems to have my whole character padded down! Which sorta freaks me out abit because I know I have loads of flaws and Im really trying my best to get rid of em n not let her see em! She's more subdued..compared to Shan hahah Shan is just punk rock! this boss....is past that age hahaha Shawn...he's just hahahaha beng hahahaha I really hope none of em read this n become offended hahahahaha
I have no doubt that all of em have seen my charcter...They know me inside out...like they have radars or something...makes me wish I had em..coz I honestly...even now...dont know myself. I just feel like no matter what explanation I have abt my behaviour...its a mask or excuse for whatever it really is that I feel! Like Im a hypocrite...I think I am.
oh my boss also has a way w analogies! hahaha I rememebr how when I was young, Id love that chinese local drama " Dong Li Huo Che" w Chen Han Wei inside as a teacher. I used to be sooo impressed with how he explained things to his students...things on life...how he used simple objects like s penknife or fish..etc to explain life lessons! I used to tell myself that if I were to be a teacher, Id do the same thing! My boss does just that! :) Like the dirty bowl thing...hahaha
Anyway, Im happy abt today! :) I want to do better!!!
K time for bed! :) Sweet dreams to all of you too!

LOVE

....mutts!

imagine me rolling my eyes and trying (for the life of me) to surpress a smile. Dont ask me if I was laughing at a joke or laughing att he person who mde the joke!...the guy lifted his left foot and said his shoe was Gucci. he put it down n lifted the right one saying it was Prada......I knew it was coming when he lifted both feet up and said, "Gucci and Prada...Gupda!" ......You tell me how not to laugh! Haiyoh!!! Suthu to the max!!!!!

Anway...cant rememebr if I said it aready...my audition at the orchard library is at 1:45pm.
Alot of things have happened...joined this, got an email from my godma in SP saying they want me to do teh National day observance ceremony.... I was speechless! I dont care man! Im soooooo gonna do it!!! :)
Was makaning lunch today and this guy looked at me and pointed at me. Apparently, he recognises me fromt he little ms spore competition! shit! I Fd up while hosting that!!! His kid is the smallest to enter in and she's the cutest! I wish him all the luck! hahahaha

Times like these, I wanna feel liek I ahve to thank God profusely for these blessings! I feel that If I dont thank him, he would think I dont appreciate him. I know God's not petty and he wouldnt do that. But what I do nkow, is that He loves me soo much to give me soo much. :) Like they say, Count your blessings.

Friday is just around the corner! A new weekend ahead and Im stuffed witht higns to do during the weekend!!! :P I just cant wait! but I also feelt eh torment of a working class again hahahha the dread of sundays because sundays are before mondays! hahahaha

LOVE!!!

somewhere over the rainbow....

Just got my email today..will be performing at 1.45pm at orchard Library next sunday. :P Still thinking abt the radio academy thing...
The days have been okay...doesnt sound convincing rite. hahaha Just trying to remember what my boss said today..while we were all chatting. We were talking abt relationships and guys. the intern leaving is going to SMU and we were warning her abt the guys there..or rather..guys now adays n girls nowadays.
My boss made a prediction that this intern would go through a very bad n painful relationship. She said she'll find a gyu who manaegs to control her, he'll love her more than she loves him at first and slowly her defenses will go down. Then she'll slowly love him more, until she loves him more than he does. At this time, He'll break up with her.I was standing there and listening and all I could conjure up was the continuous nodding of my head. Everything was correct! It went exactly that way! hahahaha This intern is like me...abit...likes to hang out witht he guys, doesnt like the girls, is very defensive when it comes to guys liking her and believes that the time will come when it comes. She's stubborn and independent! I couldnt help thinking abt my ex hahahaha. How funny it is that whatever my boss said...sounded as if she read my whole life story! hahahaha
I finally read the chinese book I borrowed. HOnestly, I wasnt too sure what i was borrowing hahahaha but when I started reading it, I realized that its one of those short love story thingies. Well, Im done w it n much as it brought back one or two feelings that I felt before...didnt really matter... Im sure they will go away soon enuff hahaha
I cant help butt hank God for allt hats happened to me for the past few months. :) Im starting to live my dreams again. :) after a year of falling from one of them. :)
Gonna go. You take care!

Love

:)

The day was okay. Been practicing my singing n always end w a sore throat. :(
.....actually thinking of what to write! hahaha I really dont know how i feel today.....hmmm its liek att he end of the day...everything just seems to mundane to talk about... is this how working life is? I hope not! Coz I think i wudnt be able to survive.... :(
Just went online just now and jus found out that the Radio Academy is coming on and half of me is jumping at the chance...but the other half of me is slowing down to see the whole picture...can I cope? ...I know I know...the whole "time is what we make of it" shit ....Its a helluva lot of money to do it...$500..... I dont even feel good forking that kind of money....
Im gonna think abt it..and everythingelse on mymind... :( I feel like my bones are jumping at everything I can lay my hands on...but my flesh and skin is still left after the dust clears...ala cartoon style.
hmm I guess I'll have to go home n think abt it. You all take care n njoy the day or days. :) Love you all...

love

:)

2nd day at SSO. 1st call was an impt one. Thank heavens I didnt screw up! :/ determination.
Anyway...

today is my brudda's birthday. He's finally 21 man!! I wish him all the happiness he can find coz his life has been traumatic enough. It's time God gave him a break already. In matter of fact, I think god has given him a break :) I know I dont talk to this bro often enough...or to any of my bros or sisters...enough. But I love all of them...no exceptions for this one. Regardless of what happens. :) One worry that weights in my heart, is that we all drift away. I dont ever want that.

So again, happy birthday to my bestest best bro. :)

Other than that, the day is fine. Take care you all! :)

love

wat a day!

Im soo bloody tired...this day has been awful!!! My 1st day in SSO and I felt like I was useless! Not that anybody scolded me or anything...I just felt so completely lost! My job was quite confusing that much as i wanted to rememebr everything...I dont think I could! I think Im gonna screw up! Knowing me, I may be very confident at times, But inside Im scared shitless..this time, I was just plain worried... :( I guess I was gauging everybody's moods....sooo many times int he day, I elt like I wasnt gonna fit in....and double the number of times, I had to remind myself of how much id get to learn from being in SSO. I had to remind myself of how many new experieicnes Id get to have just being in SSO. You have no idea how glad I am that the 1st day is over!!!! Im sooo totaally unprepared and discouraged....I keep wondering what Im diong in the working env like this....with computer, table, stacks of paper...etc....for the 1st time in awhile, I had the ever strongest urge to go into radio broadcasting!!!! But I know I have to do all this 1st :(
Im mentally drained now... :( Physically drained too :(
I miss the old days terribly!!! :( Love you guys! Miss you guys!!!

LOVE :(

Haiz one of those times...:/

K im in that silly mood again...the kiddish n simple n fairyheaded ning is out again hahaha
Was on my way home today n was listening to my mp3 player. One of the songs was "imcomplete" by backstreet boys and I got too intot he mood. one thing led to another and i wondered if my whole ex love story would ever come back hahaha like whether years later...if we ever met again..would we still silently have feelings for each other..if anything happened to me..would he still cry? Likewise the other way...hahahaha so drama mama rite?!?!? hahahahahayeah well. Ive always been one to love fairy tales...those happily after other stuff hahaha soo yeah Something his mum told him before..just rang in my mind....oh well hahahahata and just on cue hahaha my fren's song comes on.."doy uo have the heart" hahah exactly what i wud have said to my ex hahah only..I wud know the answer hahahaha It amazes me how accurate the timing can be man! How Id be thinking abt things like this and right on cue, songs like vaseegara, right here waiting, angel etc (those that meant something to us) come on! LIke God was playing a joke or telling me something! Times like these, I can only ask why hahaha They dont make me upset, just make me roll my eys and go"haiyah" hahaha K enuff of this shit! Lets move on!!!
Went to host the semifinals 2 of little miss spore cinderella and things turned out okay hahaha at leastt hats what I think hahaha the organisor didnt scold me...didnt hear any complains from anyone so sigh of relief hahaha
The kids were great! Got a few contacts for performers hahaha Got to know some people..this guy doing the sound system was from SP as well and he recognised me ferom the school video I was in! The videot hat I prefered not to be remembered by!!! He's quite cute with very nice eyes and smile :P Boyish hahaha And allt he while, I tot he was malay when he told me he was chindian! wohoo! Oh plus they all thought I was filippino again....soo yeah...cute guy, nice to talk to, laughs laughs laughs discussed abt the performers (the girls are so good dancers that ud get goosebumps watchign them) how they can shake their booties..if they had one...hahaha but no number...hahahah noipe I didnt get his number hahaha too bad! Dont know if Id see him again even hahaha OH COME ON! You know Im not the kind to ask for numbers! K you can stop banging the table now...hahaha I always believed in letting the time come and look what happened when I didnt? hahahaha time will come if its meant to come. Sooo cute guy aside n memories aside...tomorrow is my first day at SSO.
I really dont know how or what to do now..just wanna sleep early really :P Hve yet to confirm what time I start work tomorrow! hahaha..its in my email k dont worry hahah My table's in a mess...Im chomping on jelly beans etc...
k enuff bullshit hahaha gonna go cut cake now...dad's birthday :) U all take care! MUAHZ

LOVE!!!

lalalalala

k bored..just came home from an event. They pay me nuts but doesnt matter. Its in my resume. The event was abit screwed up int he beginning really..I admit to that. Got quite dissappointed with myself...but the things a host has to learn, is to take things as they come n go and always go on stage with a smile. Ud think that itd be very hard to keep a smile on allt he time and I agree man! But todays even was mostly abt kids so I just couldnt help but smile! 4 year olds being able to shake it like shakira man! Made my hair stand and gosebumps everywhere hahahaha
Tomorrow is round 2. sigh...I'll defnitely try my best!
BTW, someone called me a maid today....watt he hell man! hahahah
Still feeling abit down...gtot a headache as well....guess i lost my confidence....I wanted to nail this event but I cudnt.....:(
Oh another btw, just joined the YouthALive thingy...gotta go for auditions on the 26th june at orchard library...do come n support me yah? Hahah everything is by sms votes unfortunately...:( somethignt hat makes me nervous about hahahaI after 2 times trying out for talentime in SB and I never got into the top3, my confidence for that has waxed abit thin as well....I mean..no matter how good you sing, its still dependent on how much the public likes you rite...
sooo...*winks* you know wat to do! hahaahah
k well...honestly..things have been okay...nothing very exciting. gonna start work on monday :P Wish me luck!

damn!

Went to sch for fun laughter peace n joy. Wne to SPGG to find out abt the membership. One of the reasons why Im thinking of joingin is coz its got a bowling alley and it give me a place to have my quiet time :P
Had dinner with one of my old frens from sec sch. Funny how we never really talked or hung out during sec sch but just suddenly started to since last year. hmmm..Guess its coz we live so bloody near each other. He's probably one of those Id go to if I need help w music hahaha and probably the one he goes to if he's got nothing better to do hahahaha nah just kidding. Glad to keep in contact w old frens. But heres one thing I gotta say....This goes out to all my frens who smoke yah. COULD YOU PLEASE STOP SMOKING?!?!?!?! Dont get me wrong, I dont think that all smokers are bad pple. I think all smokers are not not very smart pple. Some smarter than others I agree...but the fact that ur putting something that has ZERO health benefits..really goes to show! Im saying all this coz I care for u guys as a fren! As a bro or as a sis or as anyway else im related to you. Dont spend $20-$30 a week for somethign that just makes you die faster and when u die and complain that ur broke half the time, not to mention get sick for the other half. You go do the math urself and find out how much ur paying to kill urself.:( PLEASE! Dont use stress relieving as an excuse coz there are alot of other stress relievers out there that dont kill you in the process. I have respect for alot of the pple who happen to be smokers k but thats all the more a reason why I dont like them to smoke. I may seem like I dont care and give u guys sarcastic remarks abt ur smoking but I really do care. Going intot he army doesnt make the reasons any better. so PLEASE! Also, if u say ur quiting...please mean it...and stay that way.
Saw a kid today..less than 6yrs old and looks like linda liao hahahahaa She's got a really sweet and pretty face (the kid i mean) but she's got attitude! If she doesnt want to do something, she folds her arms and gives the "hmmpphhh" face. I like kids k but I cant stand this kind of attitude. sigh little spoilt brat.
Ive come to realize that I only like kids..I dont love them. To be honest, I can be quite helpless when it comes to handling kids hahaha Coz Im not sure how to coax them and make them like me or listen to me hahahaha Some work out fine and these are just darlings man hahaha but others, I just feel uneasy with haha
So yah..hahaha damn!

This calls for a celebration!!!

Say my frens small play today and it was great! I teared really....I guess Im still a lovey dovey fart hahahaha.
Spoke to my lecturer today and got news that one of the songs i sent in for a sch songwriting competition, was chosen :P I guess it still isnt registering hahaha but really...the money isnt the impt thing here hahaha is the fact that my songs are....or at least my song...is liked! I appreciate that! And when my frens sayt hey like my songs, Im happy you know..but alot fo times they dont register. Not that I dont believe my frens comments are not from the heart hahahah but its precisely because it is too much fromt he heart! hahahah They know me , know what ive been through that....they know where the songs come from. :)
Thank you guys for the support yah.
Btw, alof of good news always comes w a small bad one...my grandma fell 2 nights ago. Theres a compressed fracture and she had to stay a night at the hospital. Things like these shock me man! She's fine now, at home....I just pray that she stays that way. God, let her get well soon and dont let any complications come up.
Gotta go now. Wanna read finish John grisham's Rainmaker. Love you guys to bits!!!

LOVE!!!!

hmm

Heres something that got me thinking the whole day....how one draws the line between a fren n his/her bf or gf. Everyone of us has had a relationship before and Im pretty sure majority of us have had that prob. I know this junior I had who had her hp checked every other day by her bf. I know a guy fren who wanted to know what a girl he liked was doing every other hour. Its soo easy to term them as posessive partners but really most of the time, they are just scared of losing the one they love. Im not saying all of them are reasonable. A few of them go over the top and can get quite bad that their partners leave them or they quarrel. But I know most of them have this fear because theres a reason to fear...or maybe not...let me explain...
The relationship I went through gave me a little understanding...Even now that I think of it, I guess I really have to apologize to my ex. He had more hell than I did...to be very honest. But trust me when I say that I never meant to hurt anyone..esp him when all this happened. When I got intot he relationship, the most impt thing to me was and still is, communication. To me, there can be no lies or secrets kept from my other half...simply to show how much I loved him. And things like these come naturally when ur in love. When you love someone, you have the additional urge to tell the person everything that happened in ur life, ur day ...ur everything! Simply cause you love the person. It comes to a point where...you'd tell ur other half everything even before he/she can ask...simply cause you love them. And me being that way, told him everything. From past to present. Every single crush, every single feeling, dissappointment, happy, sad memory. I guess I wanted to share what I had with him...even memories...sounds mushy n ridiculous but trust me that when ur in love, you'll find it a pleasure to do that. Telling him or her where u are every morning or night or afternoon isnt an order from him, isnt a chore....its something U wish u could do every second of the day. Why I say posessiveness and fear come in is because of what I told him. I told him abt my past interests in certain pple. classmates...church frens...etc etc etc...Which makes sense why he'd get scared. He knows how I felt abt these pple (pple whom i still keep in contact with) he knew how unsure I was with our relationship (us being inter racial) and he saw how i treated my frens and him. Even now, I try to keep tabs on how I treat my frens. Not for him..but for the future. Its a thing we have to learn...to differentiate btwn our frens and our bf/gfs. No matter how we know that we feel different w our frens and our partners, we have to show it. Show them that they are loved. Which sorta leads me to feel that sometimes, being honest...doesnt pay. Somethign are best left untold because much as we dont want to lie to the one we love, tellng them will give them another reason to worry abt losing us. I guess I got lucky...to have had a bf who knew where to draw the line and not check my hp. I dont know how id take it if he did. It might have become and insult to me. But the more I think abt all this, the more I realized that just cause someone checks ur hp, doesnt mean that they dont trust you...they just dont trustt he guy you were talking to.
Truth be told, men can be soft int he heart as well...they have emotions too when ur other half (guy or girl) is overcomed by fear...you just need to be there...to assure...to hold...to hug...to reassure...to love. Posessiveness isnt soemthing that can be turned off witht he switch of a button. Nor can it be reasoned with easily. I term it as "not registering" Much as ur other knows that u love him/her, alot of facts just dont register coz...its the heart we're dealing with here. The heart doesnt reason...it feels. It takes time to believe or realize the facts point otherwise.
Try bringing ur other to meet ur frens and show him/her that he or she is different from ur frens. That much as there are frens around, that you dont forget him or her.
More importantly, I feel it takes both sides to make things work. Patience and understanding from both ends.
You know..this really seems like a hypocritical situation for me..now that im single n stuff...I cant really say things went well int eh end (not that it ended coz of this) And I can not guarantee every situation is the same...but I do know that communication helps...talking to each other and reassuring each other works....if it doesnt and ur other is still being overly posessive and even agressive..I think its time u did something more serious abt it. But my stand stays true....communication is the most impt thing.
I also believe one thing.....posessiveness is a relative term. When u feelt hat ur other is posessive is all dependent on how comfortable u are with him. You can feel uncomfortable abt hp checks and hourly calls or daily calls...or you can be comfortable even to call him every half hour to say hi and you can willingly show him ur msgs etc..it depends on how comfortable you are (maybe u value having personal space or u just want to fill ur personal space with him/her ). I for one love my sis and love to tell her my day but would never let her read my diaries or look over my shoulder as I type my stuff.
This is what I thought of today...i know its still all those love stuff but seriously...the only thing good abt life has to do with love. Without love, how can we enjoy life? dont some of us love food, love the sea, love travelling etc? :)
Hahahaha I know too many of my frens go through this shit.....IO can onyl hope and pray that they all get over this hurdle. I for one, am glad that out of all the emotional turmoil my relationship was doused in....we both came out stronger and maybe I came out learngin a thing or two (he was always the smarter one) hahahahaha
Love you guys loads yah. Take care of urself...I'll be praying for all of you. And if ur other half bully u, let me know hahaha I bully them back hahahaha :P

LOVE

Waddup!

K just in here for fun...dont bother reading this if you really want anything constructive to read hahaha. Im gonna do a little publicity for one of my frens. her voice is great and her songs are great too hahaha. Go visit this website yah. I promise you'll find it good! hahaha http://www.projectdiy.net/index2.htm#
I can safely say that I am blessed with the love for music, blessed with a voice and interest for songwriting but above all...Im blessed with frens who can sing :) Pple who sing with their heart and soul! Sing till their inerds are yearning to jump out..sing till they tear...singing of their life, their sorrows, their love...everything. Thats what the love to sing is about...telling your story...showing how u feel... :) Im blessed.
Its all the more a motivation for me to continue with my songwriting :)

LOVE lalalala

I never had such a strong urge to write!

Byt he time I got home, the 1st thing iw anted to do was on my computer, get online n write an entry...have i become dependent on this? I guess so...
Was on the way home and its at these times where I think alot. Mostly abt what to do with my life and how my life has been so far. Was thinking abt the musical..the plot and its flow...got carried away n was thinking abt myself...
I thought of how every body has secrets and how even though they may look very chiry, they arent on the inside. Or some (like me) may look sulky and uninterested or stuck up, actually am thinking of somethingelse are am displaying that attitude for a different reason. Everything is kept secret...untold... And it brought me back to the reason why i love to read diaries or bibliographies etc...Because the story is told from a personal point of view...the writer as the 1st person..what he/ she really thinks...hopefully, a real person whjo lived. its like tapping into someone's whole lifestory..things the person thought of or felt but never really told....I love all that. But all this thinking made me come up w 2 themes that made me feel like drawing...these two themes somehow cant be expressed well with songs...I really wish I cud.
I dont know how to draw well but I'll visualize...the 1st one is the closeup of an eye. Perfectly good eye staring right back at the observor. The iris and its intricate design can be seen but the best part is the image in the eye. the image is the pic of a flower but is actually made up of a collage of sinnets of the person's life the good n bad n happy n sad. all in bright colours, forming the flower.
another is the image of a book w its pages opened up. the pages are filled with words...feelings of the writer..some angry, some happy, some tear stained...but towards the end, they slowly leave the pages to form a person..sitting on the floor, head buried between her knees...
I wish i cud draw... :)
Everything is in a mess....Im living teh days slowly....

love

:)

Really tiring day sia! Byt he time church was done, I was half dead. My mood wasnt as good as i wanted it to be but its getting better. No prizes for why but who cares.
Everytime i go out, I notice small funny things that I tell myself I have to rememebr , so i can write it in my blog. BUT I always forget!!! Sooo...nvm
Its one of those times where I feel like I have loads to say but I end up with very little to say.
Anyway...got stuff to do for the week and hoping to meet up with my old frens and old teachers. :)

LOVE

Turned out to be a less than ordinary day...sigh

So happy me sits in wait for the briefing to start when out of nowhere, my ex walks into the room. Then it hit me that "yeah ah! He's supposed to be in this thing too!" he wasnt supposed to be in it coz he was supposed to be sailing but now that its not confirmed, he'll be in it. SHIT! I uttered a short "F*&^" and banged the table once before settling my mood down again hahahaha. yeah yeah yeah i know what ur all saying now. shaking heads n sighing n all. But its okay. We didnt say hi or anything. I didnt even acknowledge him being there ( alot of pple int he room) Didnt go up to him even when we saw each other at the station. (Go figure why he was taking my direction when he always goes the other way) Anyway...I figure God had this all planned to show me what I still feel or watever reaction. Its nott hat God wants to see my reaction coz he knows it. But more of testing me...letting me know how I feel and making me realize that things arent as good as they seem.
Lets have the bitchy me talking. The ME that is bloody evil and says, at least I wore something other than shirts n shorts and looked quite mature n feminine (self praise) that if he sees if, it'll show that Im moving on... According to my fren next to me, she said he was looking quite bad...hmmm wateva! no use looking that way anymore. I out on my best posture and walked confidently off. To the other side of the train...hahaha
went to esplanade. After seeing my ex, I lost the interest of going to Arab street...wonder why...but I guess, I needed the sea to cool myself, calm my heart and stop my mind from thinking of him. Just dont understand why so many things end up in my face that remind me of him hahahaha like yesterday, Iw as shopping and was looking at.....clothes I think..when i saw this bk "20 000 leagues under the sea" under my elbow. (was leaning on it) Out of nowhere sia! hahah and other little things that shudnt be happening but happen hahahaha *shakes head* Thanks God! What a joke! Well, the sun wasnt harsh on me at the esplanade and the wind blew to comfort me. I remember one of the things I told him which im telling all of u who need comfort now...God controls everything around us...even the sun and the wind. The wind was always...to me, a way of God giving me a hug. So when the wind blew, I felt as if God was there and was conforting me and saying, " dont worry ning. wtas meant to be will be. Just believe me and eventually you'll find what i have in store for you" :) Couldnt help drop a tear and smile. Im glad I didnt get a chacne to say hi to him. Coz i was actually wondering what to react if I did come face to face with him. *shrugs* hahahaha
Went down to the street festival today and man do they need better emcees!!!! hahahahahaha The Jap(no insults intended) Festival was cool with cosplay and bands and stuff but the hosts were like shit! "Please come somemore closer to the stage" WAT THE!!! hahahahah yeah yeah bitchy me! But i guess its an occupational hazard for me hahahah after compereing for 3 years, ive come to look at hosts in a different light. hahahaha Quite honestly, the hosts there were making me cry...
Another corner had belly dancing performances and lo and behold, the host (clad in belly dancing costume) had a british eccent and couldnt get the crowd to respond. sigh....I got turned off when she started speaking. Pity to her though that no one was responding. It can be hard sometimes..poor girl.
Along marriot and esprit, there was the wireless 3logy roadshow going on and Daniel Ong and Jamie were there hahaha Now they are better!!! Walked past and watched tham host when lo and behold, one of my seniors in comperes was there! Emmm....wats his name? he came for the farewell....NICHOLAS!!! thats right! yeah! Saw him do abit of hosting as well hahaha been a while since I saw him actually but he's an okay guy. JUst got freaked out when I first got to know him. This guy was.ehmm...quite a flirt at the party. Had a huge alarm going in my head telling me to stay away from him hahaha female instinct...please heed the alarm. One of those things i learn in my past relationship hahaha another thing i learnt is not to get to close to guys...as in...dont give them the wrong signs. hahahah
Throughout this time, I was msging my sis abt the Jap festival and commenting on everything hahahah One of the lead singers of the band looks like my sis's bf hahahahahah
So here i am, home...this day really turned out more than what i thought. I admit my heart is abit unsettled hahah but hell it'll go away soon enough. Not that I dont want to be frens w him yah. Not that I hate him yah. Its that he represents everything I wanted and so us not being together is like taking away a life that i always wanted. Which is why I cant face him...at least not for now. Maybe in a few years when Ive found someone else who's willing to let me torture him hahaha then maybe I'll be over my ex and get on with life. hahahahaha
Had a fren ask me abt doing the play again. Even had one of my officers send our play to MR Dick Lee himself and all this is a huge honor! I never thoguth soemthing that all of us (my best frens in SP) did could turn out to be such a big thing. But...Id love to relive those days! But I cant. Even if I was given a chance to get everyone together againt o do it. Either new people do it, or....I'll let the rest do it together while they get a new Rachel. Im sorry you guys. I would just be too hard for me. I dont think I can conjure the same feelings again you know. :) Much as the whole origianl play is etched in my mind like it was yesterday. :) One of those things I wont forget EVER! hahahahah
K gotta go. Sleepy lah! Wanna go ZZZZZ.....YES I AM A PIG. Was born int eh year of 1. To my fellow comperes, one day. we'll be the ones out there hosting! With pay or whitout pay! Coz we love the mike! Hahahahaha

LOVE

Saaattuuuurrrrddddaaaayyyyyy(ala whale talk)

K im in an insane mood today. Got to sch too early so sat ont he benches reading The Rainmaker. The sch's changed abit. For starters, the benches are all newly painted w bright colours, the starirs are painted with bright colours too! Makes SP less of a factory hahahaha
When i walked into the computer lab, its like going back to sch days and believe it or not, the smell of computers and leather seats with wooden walls and tables.....comforting!!! hahahaha smells like the SALC room hahahah
A small surprise awaits as i anxiously wait for more pple to come intot he room for the breiefing. Dwayne will be here and Im gonna get a cance to see Saad's speech! hahaha Thats a very nice surprise! The more I sit here and talkabt all this, the more excited I get abt giving the valedication (more prestigiously know). I hope that I'll get to do this because there are just toom any pple i want to thank and what better way to thank them than through this? I also hope that it'll make my parents proud and a small msg for my dear sister :) Yesterday, she walked into my room, hunchedback and frustrated because she couldnt get her photos to come out right from her printer. She made herself comfortable on my mum's bed while I was lying on mine and peeling postcards. hahaha the curious her decided to help me and both of us, lay down peeling postcards. hahaha Like small kids with nothing better to do hahahaha But something as trivial as this is still a precious moment... :) Its funny how id teach her how to peel a postcard hahahaha
Anyway...times coming to start the briefing. Cant wait! Love you guys! WOOHOOO

LOVE

One of my best days!

Went back to sch today :D bought rice for one of my officers hahah promised to go visit her so I did. Also had a talk w another officer who's planning to have a musical next year ans she's thinking of adopting my old play!!! (to the dimsum masala love people) She sent the script to DICK LEE!!! She even brought me along for a meeting w theatreworks at the Arthouse!!! SHIT! I saw jeffery. The one who helped direct Singalish on Trial. He suggested alot of stuff like scriptwriting workshop, songwriting workshop etc and as I listened, I became more excited. Of course...using the play isnt confirmed so lets not get our hopes up! Much as the idea that what my frens and I put our heatr n soul into doing is actually becoming something bigger than wat we imagined it'd ever get!!! I walked out of the Art House feeling as if everything is possible... :) And when u feelt hat way, you end up walking all the way from the Art House...to Dhoby Ghaut....hahaha exactly wat i did.
I also digressed abit hahaha coz I saw some interesting things..like the Substation (place where alof of performances are often held) and the old MPH building (now known as the AIT academy) Wasnt tiring at allm an!! Just a pleasant walk. playing....those computer games where you go around exploring a strange land and the more u walk, the more of the land you uncover....Toe Jam N Earl? hahaha one of those games where the map of the place reveals more the more you walk.. yeah. So the walk was great!!!
GOing back to sch was like going back to home...Good thing I wore a cap coz I think all the juniors know me from the horrid SAA video I was in! And the sch song! SHIT! haiz.... I hide my face! they were having the CCA Fair and I went to see the booth. It just feels sooo good, seeing old frens again hahahaha. One of them got excited when she saw me then the both of us literally ran itno each others arms hahahah ( NO im NOT Lesbian) she almost fell ont he floor! hahahaha LOVE all of that! I feel sooo much in love w comperes that leaving itsorta makes me feel abit sad hahaha
Cant help but remember the 1st times I did compereing. Even went up to the clubhouse and snapped a pic of the clubhouse. Intend to caption it, "this is the place I feel in love" hahahahahah works both ways really....or maybe, " the place it all started" :) Going into the office, I felt like a small kid going visitng hahahah spoke to the oficers like old frens! Got to godmas in there man! Dun play play hahahaha
Tuition was quite good hahahah Played Lego w my kid. He's only six and he's trying to build a windmill with wires and battery included. The instructions can jolly well be burnted coz they were only pics...they did help but it took abit of time to understand. So I ended up int he house for...2 hours hahahah
So today was great as well. :P

nothing much...

Watched Eye for A guy. Dont scorn yet will yah! I wonder how much of it is real feelings and how much is acting. All I know is that Denise wasnt in a happy mood talking abt it and my heart goes out to her if she really feels something and yet has to be dictated into giving a decision that she doesnt want. (not that its happened coz i really dont know) A major contradiction of a reality show.
Dont know if its really linked but something we always talk about...how the public has the right to know...in this case..is the public really knowing whats real? or is it a story set in a closer to heart setting and more realistic setting? Its damn sad lah. hahahaha I also pity the guys..they're portrayed as love struck group of babe chasers when i doubt they are. I think alot of them would have a better sense.
Anyway.. I met up w one of my sistas this morning for breakfast and she was late by abt...45mins? somewhere there and if i hadnt called her house, she probably would have woken up later...she isnt the only one who does this to me...I think ive just come to a point where i get so pissed off....sigh...Regardless, convinced myself that it really wasnt her fault to blame....she had exams coming and she was burning the midnight oil. I expected that she'd do this to me because of all this. Plus, me knowing her, should have just slept in late and got her to call me when she wakes up. instead of just sitting at mac and waiting so long like a silly idiot. We talked abt everything...she called this the confession and catching up time. hahaha things we confess to each other...things we talked about....I treasure these times alot really. one thing she asked me which got me stumped...was whether Id get an indian bf again...im fine w all this now actually and as i thought of her qn...i really didnt have a straight answer to it. I admit that i do have a liking for indians now but it doesnt mean Ive rejected chinese altogether. I could only say that i wasnt sure...coz...the most impt thing was and is communication. I told her abt how my ex and I used to talk and how it felt like every conversation was....like going through soul searching and coming out cleaner and wiser... thats how it felt. And it was always abt anything n everything...and honestly, given a chance to find someone again, Id find someone who can make me feel that way again. Alot of pple ask me what Id want to find in a guy and that would be it. Id want someone whom i can talk with abt anything and even when we dont talk n just slack around, it'll still feel like a we did talk and a very meaningful conversation. Someone id love more than myself...yeah. So if the next one is an indian..so be it...if its chinese, then so be it. As for malay...not that im racist and dislike them altogether..but i know that if I ever do fall in love w a malay, all the converting stuff would never never work for me. Oh God, let it be a christian please. All i know..att he en dof this explanation..is that I would never wanna find one less than what i used to have. Call me selfish n stuff but after going through all that shit...I think at least let me have someone more or at least equal to my ex hahahaha yeah i know..we cant argue w God abt all this...He gives us what we should have in his time and through his desired way. I think slowly, Ive lost the intensity of the love I had for my ex. Which should be good rite? hahaha but sadly, its a pity to forget how to love someone..isnt it? Its a pity to forget how it feels like to be loved and to love someone until ur heart was going so fast ud fear itd either stop altogther..or jump out of ur body. Yeah...it is true..this kind of feeling. :) All i can hope is that if the next one comes, that id be able to love the person in a better way...learn from my mistakes...of course now i have a phobia for future mother-in-laws hahahahahahahahah BUT I dont see all this happening any time soon hahahaha At the end of the day, LOVe is still a mystical and unexplainable feeling. Its only when we feel it that we know. :) I hope to all of you that you find someone who will love you till their hearts are close to popping out. Someone who will see ur flaws but love u soooo much to often find them endearing instead of irritating. :) I wish everyone all the best in finding the love of their lives. They are out there..it just isnt time to meet yet.

LOVE