Gong Gong

Thought of my grandfather today during rehearsals and felt like tearing.
Not gonna be able to visit him when I get back this time round. Wanna visit him... visit mama and visit Ma ma.

We spoke about being remembered today. And that made me recall how I wanted to record my maid's voice before she left... Miss her too.

Wish I knew where she lived...wish I knew where she is now. how she's living. She would be upset to know that my grandma has passed away....

Miss them...

Words to the would be...

Sitting in the rehearsal room alone. It refreshing, opposed to a whole bunch of chattering  TPs in the room. Playing Adele's Turning Tables.

Felt the need to write you a letter but that would be weird because I don't even know who you are. hahaha

But I already expect that byt eh time we do meet, there would be much much to say about ourselves. It would feel like we have known each other since the beginning and after such a long time away from each other, it would be only natural that we recount to each other what we've missed out in each other's lives.

Of course, I'll leave out the bits about other guys in my life. Ive learnt the hard way that such information could hurt what we would have between us.

At a time like this, I do miss you. Where are you now? with another girl? overseas?

I keep reminding myself that the reason why we havnt met is because we are not ready for each other yet. Yap. we both need abit of prepping, training and stuff that would make us right for each other. No I dont expect you to be perfect, and I hope you dont expect me too. Because I cant...

I thought of this a few days ago...about how when u do come into my life, there would be many precious people that I will have to introduce you to. They are all people I hold dear to my heart but remember that of all the people I know, I love you the most. Right after Jesus Christ. :)

I sorta hope you'd be willing to join me in my happiness when Im with the students..but that would be a qn for another time. It would be awesome though.

I guess on hindsight, Im glad I dont have you now. Imagine how terrible it could be to have a distance relationship! I used to think that distance relationships arent a problem if 2 people love each other alot..but I realize that maybe hte more 2 people love each other in a distance relationship, the harder it gets. because it hurts longer and the loneliness is lonelier just as the darkness gets darker...

But of course thats my brain speaking. my heart often disagrees.

I do miss you... would be good to go home to see you there. And us just curling up ont he sofa, watching mindless tv. :)

Long chats

Had a llloonnnggg chat with Sonal. About our past relationships. Reminded me of how happy I was before.

Despite how Im not in it now, the memories were still golden. I still smiled and laughed at them.

While a part of me missed him still, at hte same time very sure that nothing could be done to rewind time, I actually was more happy than sad that I had those memories.

Im not sure whether i miss him and still love him..or whether I just miss having someone...

And Im sorry to keep talking abt this in all my entries so far. Maybe it is because I am in a foreign country and Im alone...

The long chat we had was a very fruitful one. Both of us with our pasts yet agreeing on so many principles and thoughts and ideas...

OH well...they always say that time will heal all things. Im gonna be naive and believe that is still so. :)

God Bless

itchy hand lah u!

Before I delve into my intended entry, Just wanna say that Im glad that Im in the production Im in now. It isnt just that it's logistically easier...its also coz hte people Im working with are hte loveliest bunch of people.

I cant help but wanna give them hugs! They bring a smile to my face.

Anyway was on facebook today and very much excited to catch up w family and friends in 2 weeks time.
I guess i communicated with a certain person whom I probabaly shud never have communicated with ever again. which in itself is also a pity..that person is a good person.

Except that, by doing so, Im causing myself more trouble.

itchy hand lor! type the msg some more lor. kaypoh lor! Ning ning ning....whatever will we do about you. You got yourself from all that shit and now u happily dug a hole for yourself again. why not jump in and start piling mud on yourself now.

Sigh

Gonna drown my sorrow in bubble tea...

GOd Bless

notes to self for intl students

Walking home has always been a reflecting time for me.

This time, i reflected on my journey as an intl student.

I realize that myself as an intl student, hasn't been smooth.

I found myself thinking that people werent as friendly with me because I was asian/chinese.

Alot of people thought I was from China...


I guess after that entire experieince, there are somethings I want to say to the intl students in singapore

1)  That Singaporeans or others may seem unapproachable..butu as an individual need to approach them because they are very comfortable in their comfort zones and they wouldnt apparoach u unless they need to if you dont.
2)  That language is an issue but it must not stop you from learning to communicate with them.
3)  Dont see yourself as an outsider but an ambassador for your country. Educating them on your country, reducing as many blind F's as possible.
4)  Dnt settle for "Im fine" tell them more, care for them too

God Bless

one of those days

Maybe its the production Im in taht is making me think back on certain thing. :/

I read back on some  blog entries ad I realize how happy I used to be hahaha. Emm it is a blatant sign that I havnt been myself.

AnywayIve blogged so much lesser because there hasnt been much to blog..considering how I know my blog entries are probably monitored by peoplle from my school. both ing SG and SYD.

Today I managed to leave school earlier. It was an awesome rehearsal and Im am still in soo much  awe of those I work with!

Havnt gotten in touch with alot of my SG friends in a long time. Most of it on facebook obviously..but that just makes me wanna go back and hang with them. one message isnt as good if one has to wait an entire day for a reply!

Went home straight after school. contemplated going out or staying out but didnt have the mood to do so. Even listening to music wasnt fun... its like nothing was worth doing in my time that I end up on the sofa doing nothing. THATS BAD!!!

Part of me wants to write a new song but I dnt have a muse..no inspiration...

SIGHHH

I could keep thinking abt wht I need to bring to SG or bring back from SG or do in SG but thats making hte rest of hte days in SYD agonizing.

So now ive taken to listening to Take That on mp laptop..pphhffff

even going to the cityis boring!

okay I shall stop boring those who actually do read this...not that Ive thought of something else to do...Im just gonna try again...

God Bless

reminded of you...

So I bumped into another junior yesterday. its amazing to meet people I knew, in Sydney. This time, I met a junior from SP who quite insensibly reminded me of my ex boyfriend.

Also, during today's rehearsals, I was reminded of him too.

Which isnt a big deal..its just....sigh...

I know this isnt a relapse. Because it feels different.

However, it does remind me of how I don't have someone to share life with. The someone who is a best friend and a lover at hte same time...thats what I miss  the most. And because this particular person is the one whom I thought I could have that with, whenever I feel like I need that, my mind automoatically thinks of a solution. In this case..this automatic solution is him...because he was the last source of it...was being hte key word.

In the worst times...I wonder of I actually do miss him...or i miss the feeling of completeness.... Theres a difference...missing him means the only way to solve it is to get him back. Missing the feeling of completeness means it can be solved if I am able to find another person to share life with.

So thats why its abit of a siigghhhh

Right now, im happy with my production, I feel like its a family gathering in the rehearsal room and I do love it. Unlike hte previous production which made me feel more...judged.

december is coming and i wanna go home. I wanna see people whom I love..I wanna tell them about whats been happening in Sydney. I wanna sit and slack with them and enjoy the sun at a cafe.. starng into space...enjoying the time that plies away without words or activities even...but still feeling fruitful. :) Thats also what I miss.

I feel like a trip to the Esplanade to enjoy the breeze, and hopefully writing a song...something I havnt done for a long time...

I guess the question of what I really miss...will only be answered when I see the solution....

God Bless

Writings on anything

Maybe this production Im now in has awaken a something in me that feels like I havnt reached hte depths of my emotions. Unlike my peers int eh production, I feel like I have had the least emotional life. By that I mean...my life has been majorly stable that I didnt have to suffer certain emotions.

I dont know whether to count this as a blessing or a loss.

Whatever it is, I feel myself opening up to alot more things now than before.

I remember writing songs because i felt that i had something to say but since goodness knows when, that urge left...

I remember a time when I needed to blog or write a diary entry but not because i had something to say but because i had to say something..anything to feel better...or to sort out my identity...as if writing the thoughts down would help me sort out my own identity...

maybe this is what the production is meant to bring for me...

God bless

Homosexuality

I sense raised eyebrows... No Im not homosexual.

On the contrary, I realized that I have come across quite a few homosexual people in my life. some of whom I do care for in a sibling sort of way.

Especially since coming to Sydney, I've gotten to know more homosexuals and it's like a window into a new part of the world.

This new world is actually as sensitive and as compassionate as those of people who are straight.

Alot of the homosexuals I've come to love are really nice people!
While I know that I do not orientate towards that way, I have respect for them and I also realized that most of them are fantabulously artistic and smart and ingenius intellects. I truly respect them for that.

I really wanted to say this because I see in them sooo much and I realize how little of them I know. Especially very few who are openly homosexual. And because they are so open, it also means they put their real selves up front so quickly that it humbles me. For me to be included into the knowledge of this identity that they readily give...

God Bless

Been such a long time since I blogged...

So today is a rainy day...for the first time in a long time, I enjoyed walking in the drizzle. To be fair, if I didn't I wouldnt ever get home...

Didnt have a proper dinner either because Nothing was thawed and I didnt wanna eat rice with japanese rice seasoning flakes stuff only.

Made barley and beancurd dessert in the weekend.
Had awesome salmon, avocado and lettuce wrap for lunch these 2 days.

I think Im still recovering from the previous production.... thats really bad because I shudnt have to be affected so much.

Anyway its another month before I return to Singapore. Can't wait! Cant wait to meet with friends and family and students!

So many meetups this round!

I've got a section of my room dedicated for photos. Photos of all those whom I love and whom love me. And everytime I look at them, I get reminded that I am loved and that I am more than just a simple person because of all these people whom I mean something to....

And its this knowledge that i know I can do what I have to do. sometimes it gets harder than usual..but it still helps me trod on...

which reminds me that I need to take photos of my friends here. we need a group pic! without them, life would be sooooo much harder...

I realize that Ive had such a long period of thikning about myself and how things are going for myself that Ive become like any other working person who sits head down in the bus...or train. not looking up.

Thats why the last weekend and the wekend before that, I felt soooo refreshed after going around taking photos of random stuff...random signs, random unnoticed things, I kept my head up on bus and train rides and observed the sky, the scenery, the people, small things even!

The few songs that Ive discoverd since coming to Aus:
Duck Sauce - Barbara Streisand
Maisey Rika - Reconnect
Gotye - Somebody I used to know
Kimbra - Settle down
Adele - Rolling In The Deep & Someone Like You
Maverick Sabre - I need
500 days of summer OST - All is love
BOB - Airplanes
Bruno Mars - The Lazy Song
Dev - Bass down low & In the dark
Jessie J - Pricetag
Ellie Goulding - Lights
Erik Hassle - Hurtful
Katy B - Katy on a mission
Tony Bennet & Lady gaga - The Lady's a tramp
and other bollywood/indian songs...

I think im ranting nonsense...they dnt link. But I feel like I have to write these things...

Maybe things will make more sense when I do get down to really writing something hahaha

God Bless

recovering from last production.

Note for myself that to monitor the welfare of intl students, a focus group session has to be done for them in the beginning month and then in the mid year and end of year.

Because one's condition changes throughout the year.

1st round is meant to find out how they're initial settling in process is. Whether they have problems communicating, finding common groups, getting transport etc

2nd Round is meant to see how they have been after a session of project work and assignments etc

3rd round is meant to see if they have any reflections and observations at the end of the year and how certain things could be improved for the next year.

Saddest Birthday yet...

Its my birthday today. :) Its heartwarming to see that my students actually rememebr my birthday and msged me on facebook. :)

Anywaay this year's birthday is the saddest. spending the day at home I presume.

Really cant wait for the day that Im heading home. Im actually excited!

I miss everyone in Singapore. Miss them and miss hanging out with them and just chatting with them etc.

Miss finding things funny.

Last night, alot of peolpe were out dressed as ghouls and monsters and zombies. Halloween. As i sat the bus last night, I wondereed why I wasnt one to like partying and dressing up etc. And then I realized that people who liked dressing up, obviously found it fun since their childhood. And for me, I dnt think I ever got a chance to go for birthday parties. Maybe thats why.

What a revelation to have at 28 yrs old...Geez!

I know its sunday..but I dnt feel any energy to do anything today. :/
And I havnt been partying!

Oh well.

God Bless!

Hard...

Its closing night. Im glad its so but I cant wait for it to end.
Think my experience has been a long and self tormenting one. Feel the need to relax but its actually really hard to relax now. I feel quite on the edge. Might be a good thing in the short run...but not really in the long run. One shouldnt have to work with stress and fear.
My goal is to prevent myself from getting there.

Im happily counting down to next  next month, 8 dec.

Cant wait to go back home. Albeit, I'm gonna be working...but at least i feel like Im speaking the same lingo... technically I am...

In much pain. not physical now.

Im gonna keep talking myself to relaxation

God Bless

:) got me smiling

I dont normally post titles to productions but I had to for this one. Last Days of Judas Iscariot.

Its a school production. I went in thinking that this production would probably cause me to stir in questions in God's defence. I heard that it was gonna be vulgar with numerous "fuck"s and etc but it wasnt how I expected.

On the contrary, I left the venue feeling more love for God.

In the midst of my depression, this performance reminded me of how much God loves me. In fact, it was just a simple thing Satan said. (the acting Satan) and how he was proclaiming that God loved every thing. And it was interesting how Satan would be the one who said that. Well the stage Satan at least. But that didnt stop me from having a revelation.

That no matter how Satan is against God, he knows very well that God loves everyone. And that included me.

Despite how this story isnt really biblical...it still spoke so much to me. It asnt how I would see as defaming God because it contained defence for Judas...but it was actually in a basic level, defending God.

The best bit...was when Jesus (acting Jesus) came out and spoke to Judas, saying that He loved him. No matter how Judas refused...eventually, Jesus came out again to wash Judas's feet.

I wont say that I agree all of Judas's arguements but I do believe that he eventually got saved.

I just think this show was put at the right time when I started labelling myself a terrible asm. I know its not actually so, but I put sooo much blame on myself that it felt so true.

To watch this production now reminded me of His love that I forgot. Because I havnt been in tuned to it for so long.

Im so glad that my God is a merciful God and a God who doesnt look at merits. Because if he did, none of us would be able to get to heaven.

Ive got 3 more runs and I intend to work all of htem with God's grace and power. Im not gonna worry.

This renewed love I feel for God is the only thing that is motivating me to learn more about Him again. To read more about Him and listen to more of His word. As opposed to sinking back into normal life.

I cant describe it to non-christians well. I can only say that this love I feel is a love I dont deserve but rushs through my body, starting fromt eh inside out, making me tear or smile. It tunes my mind to think more of Him. There is a warmth inside that made me wanna think about Him and absorb the revelation He gave me through this production.

Why I say this production was for me, is beause it came at the right time. Im sure He is using it to stir other people's hearts as well and thinking about that makes me feel happy. Just happy. Dont know why but I do. Mybae thats what God's love does. It makes us feel things we like but can't explain. And as we learn about Him, we slowly understand why we feel this way and rejoice in it being given for free.

After this production, I feel that its true that Judas felt so much remorse for his doing that he felt that he couldnt even seek Jesus forgiveness or God's forgiveness. Or maybe he felt that he had ended all good in the world by betraying Jesus and that dying would be better than what would happen to the world. But knowing God, before Judas took his last breathe, God would have spoken to him and explained it to him and asked him to come back to Him. Judas believed in God and loved Him and once we are a part of God, we are a  part of God.

Im happy now :)

God Bless!

Imma stay strong

Munching on a piece of tim tam. Dark chocolate. classic dark. Never fails to make me happier.

Just finished watching another NIDA production and it brought confusion in me hahaha. I dont know if I like it or not...

My mood now is apprehensive. I know I'll survive this entire production period and I know I will get better. I just wished that I could stop making mistakes altogether.

I think Ive slowly gone back into a hermit hole. I remember how I used to be this sour face who didnt take jokes and my cousins would tease me and call me names. And how alot of people think I look serious when Im not smiling. I dont wanna be that way again...

I think the way I got out is through having confidence...but my confidence has been waining abit these days.

And I cant help but think about past times that I had sunk that low.

As I was walking home from school last night, I sorta wanted to tear and in me a small person actually blamed my upbringing that made me feel so conscious and small.

Thinking back about it, its not fair to think this way anymore. no parents are perfect and nobody can be blamed anymore than my own mentality.

Im gonna have to keep telling myself that Im stronger than I feel. I will do this! I will!

I guess we in this industry are destined to go through all this and in the process of reaching there, we build nerves of steel and become bolder and more in control.

In all this, I know Im gonna look to God for all my strength. I know Im stronger than allt ehr est because I have Him. He will be my peace in the storm. The peace and strength that keeps me int eh stronghold when I start to feel like my confidence is under attack again.

And this forcefield of strength will get stronger.

GOd Bless

Opening Night

Went well but not well enough. Always something I need to do better...Im not perfect.
My confidence level has been played to all sorts of levels. Part of the SM game.

I know it isnt always others making me feel bad or lousy. most of the cases its because of me. I need to speak up more. I need to be proactive.

I think my body and my esteem is tired.

To be absolutely honest, i feel like I could tear a little. I know Im stronger than that normally but this time I felt abit hurt. not anyone's fault. Just the hay that broke the camel's back.

I know that to redeem myself, I have to do it better and better. it cant be rocket science...

I just wanna go home and rest now. tomorrow will be better. Always need to remind myself that Im better than all that.

God Bless

Hanging on..

Rehearsals have been good. yes Ive made silly mistakes butIm trying not to elt it get me down. Thank God for Sarah! and Brad! And all the other crew I have!

Had a short chat w my cousin and that makes me look forward to going home alot more! I wanna see my family and relatives and friends and students again!

I miss them so much!

flights are booked and teh dates are set!

I know when I get back, Im gonna ransack my granparent's closet for photos and put together a family album! :D

And Im gonna take the chance to meet up with my students/alumni :D and do abit of dance and sports.. I hope :P

God Bless!

bad dream, sour face and compliments

So I had 2 bad dreams this week. No..call one a nightmare and another one a bad dream because it wasnt bad as in frightening nightmarish, but it was a good dream that would be bad for me.So my nightmare was of my mum, auntie and I running away from a huge crack in the ground that was growing. We were running away from the crack.The bad dream was me dreaming of my ex again. Which was a nice dream but it wasnt a healthy one. I dont wanna be dreaming of him anymore. Not that I have been for hte past years. In fact its suddenly come back. I suspect that its because some of my friends have recently had similar experiences and me trying to comfort them and show them that there are people who go through as much shit...made me think about these things again. Note that I don't have that strong a feeling as when my stories first happened. But the dream still came back. Sigh. Dont worry. I dont sink into the emotional abyss anymore. I just sigh and wish i had someone else in my life. Lol!In due time yah. in due time.
Anyway Ive been super busy with rehearsals. My production is getting busier and busier and Im getting more stressed and etc. I guess hte challenge is really to work with people whom I may not feel very comfortable with. To continue to bite my lip and work with them even though Id much rather not. Note that this isnt me complaining and kicking a fuss. I am still handling everything that I can. Its reality to work with people we don't like and I am not running away from it. In fact, every emotional or mental challenge I get makes me a stronger more emotionally stable person. It shows me who I can be if I force myself. It shows me who I should be and who I shouldnt.
In fact Im trying to not be affected by sour faces and to take compliments hahaha to claim my compliments. I know that Im someone who cant take compliments which is bad! I need them to make myself to better and work well.
God Bless

Okay sooo I should be doing Prompt copy now but ....

Since my last entry, my time has gone to Prompt Copy and my production. Time is too short here.
Anyway...needed to take time out to disgest my dinner and get some peace of mind...rest from stress.My lifestyle hasnt been healthy these few weeks. Been snacking abit more. the type of food I eat etc...
I have been taking up dance class every saturday but still that isnt enough to stop my body from its aches and pains. Damn it!
So yap. Im not doing fantastic. :/ But Ive been trying my best.
Its production period. This also means that my time to rest is little.
So little time for rest and so little time for Jesus. Of course, I can hear a voice going, "make time!"..yap.
so true. I realize that without God, I feel like Im fighting to be better every day. Which tires me out easily. It may seem like the normal thing to do for most people. But I just don't see how that could be life.
I miss my church and I miss my home. I miss being around people I know who do care for me and whom I do care and enjoy being around.
As you can see...my thought process is abit messed up now. Dnt worry. Im not being hysterical or depressed or anything. Im just throwing in random things to unload myself :)
God Bless

Its almost the end of september!

Time flies! Its almost the end of september!
Its been 8 months! Every production is a new challenge!

Since the last entry, Ive started dancing every saturday.

ASMing is a challenge. Working with seniors and a director is a challenge.

I think ive become less sensitive to some people's emotions. Because its a waste of time doing that.

In 2 months and a few weeks, the school term will be over and I can head home!

Going home means that I will miss a few chances to do events but I have to go back to SP to work.

Anyway...these few weeks are crucial for me to finish my prompt copy, perf history and stuff but im being lazy...bad!

K gotta go. Love!

God Bless!

ASMing

So its day 4 of ASMing. I think ive been doing good so far but maybe I havnt been asking enough questions and that I'm not doing as much as I have to do.

Im still gonna keep trying. :)

This time, Im not gonna let depression and low self esteem get to me. :)

Its gonna be difficult but I'LL KEEP TRYING! I WILL!!!

God Bless

Arts & Ideas, Rock climbing, Dance, Beach, PORT and kids...

And I know I should be finishing Arts & Ideas. About 3/4 done and Im starting to procrastinate.
Just for updates, Ive started my role as an ASM. So far its been good but Im still nervous about how things will be as we go. Im gonna try my absolute best to do well and keep my head above water.
It started with rock climbing on friday night. With Issy, Tanisha, Brad and I. Cant believe that I did that well. Loved it but afraid of it at the same time. Especially the corner spot with 3 walls to climb at once.
Stayed over at my friend, Sonal's place on friday night. Then we went for dance class with one of my classmates on saturday afternoon. In fact that dance class was the best Ive had! :D Might decide to do this dance class every saturday..whichever saturday i have that is..
Then we stopped at The Rocks Market to have subway. Then succumbing to the carbohydrate curse, Tom and I got sleepy and we decided to leave Sonal in the city and head back to our own homes to sleep. Indeed yesterday was a very very good day! My body is aching but its a good ache.
Sunday, Sonal and I met to head to Manly. Its too chilly a day for a suntan but we did hangout at the beach for abit. In fact, I feel asleep. Cant wait for a sunny day to actually get a suntan.
Although it was a short trip to Manly, it was a relaxing one and Im glad I went. On the way back from Manly, a family of 4 sat next to us. Th 2 kids were adorable to the max! The older one is probably in lower primary? He has a pure blond head of hair with clear blue eyes! And his younger brother has curly hazel hair with blond streaks and light brown eyes! Both are sooo cute they're positively lethal!
The older boy kept looking out of the window to see the boats and waves but the younger one couldnt so the big brother tried to carry him up but couldnt. So innocent and so funny!
It just seems like a model family! The boys love each other, the parents look like they are close and the whole family seemed closely knit. :)
I had much fun interacting with the kids :) Especially the older one. The younger kid had an especially cheeky smile! As all younger kids do. But the blue eyes were the best attraction of the day. :) He's gonna grow up to be a heart throb. Im not a pedophile yah. But his eyes were really attractive! He'll be a heartthrob when he grows up! Alot like the guy from Home Alone but better looking.
In fact I was telling Sonal that I would never forget those kids.
That sorta brought me to a sad thought of whether something like that would ever happen to me. I dont mean having a blond blue-eyed child. I mean having someone to love and be loved by the person. In my heart, as I looked at the waves and the distant houses, I was asking God about this.
I guess the conclusion is that if Im the Child of God and God does want me to  be happy, then I would have someone. Its not an "If"...its a "When" And after asking Him why it's taking so long, the answer I felt given back to me is," because both of u are not ready for each other" For reasons only God will know, both of us would never be able to make hte relationship last if we met and got together now. i know I wouldnt..because I have my studies. Also because Im not in Singapore and I dont intend to find someone outside of Singapore.
Anyway, Im back home now. Home meaning Kensington, Sydney. This next fw months will be scary and fast paced and Im gonna keep trying my best to do bring it on!

Im gonna depend on God to give me the favour and knowledge and understanding to do my work well and efficiently. Because I myself as a human being wont be able to do it alone.

Counting down to 12 Sept...

Which reminds me that today is the Sept 11, 10th year anniversary. its been too long a time.. Glad Osama is finally dead although I know Satan always has a backup henchman ready to succeed Osama...

Okay back to Arts&Ideas!

God Bless

Peace That Passeth Understanding...

For someone who doesnt have much faith in herself, Im very much surprised when people tell me that I come across as being very calm.

Had a classmate in Poly who said I was like the Calmness before the storm...

And just now, after chatting with one of my poly students on facebook and giving her advice on an upcoming camp, She thanked me and said that I brought about a very "safe/secure feeling"

My tutors thought I didnt have problems with my class because I seemed so calm and not uncertain...

Am I really that calm? From my knowledge, Im like a swan.. calm and collected on the top, paddling for dear like under the water surface!

I guess in certain cases, its good that I have such a talent.. Maybe thats how I got into comperes hahaha

But honestly, I thank God for this ability. Especially if I make people feel secure...
Maybe it's God's blessings on me that make me look like I have the peace that passeth understanding. While it doesnt always feel that way inside, yet on the outside, I still become the model of God with that sense of peace and security on the outside.

And where Calmness and Peace is mentioned, it brings to mind my name: Ho Wei Ning
Ho: sounds the same as another chinese character that is hte first charcter for the word "peace"
Wei: second character for the word: wisdom
Ning: first character for the phrase "peaceful and quiet"

Maybe God does look at names and their meanings.

God Bless
And where peace and clamness is concerned, it brings to mind my name... Wei Ning

Last day of Holis

Today is the last day of holidays. Almost done with Perf Hist Essay....
Went for dance class in the afternoon. This is obviously my last class for the holidays. I guess the rest of the tickets will have to be used during the weekends. I think after going for a few classes, I figure that Im quite happy with latin american dance and hip hop.
From tomorrow onwards, I'll be throwing myself into the Port world. It's gonna be my first ASM role. The Gala wasnt counted! Im actually pretty scared :/ Not even nervous!Throughout this holiday, Ive been at home most of the time. Because Ive been alone at home most of the time without even Sonal, Ive felt very very lonely...not desperate lonely...just lonely. Made me miss Sonal & Sam. And made me miss fambily and family...I actually really really miss everyone in Singapore! I miss interactions w people I love and can bare my heart out to. Not that I cant do it here...there are a few that I can..but I think my tendencies to qualify myself and pit myself against them is actually destroying it... Im scared that I might end up messing things up like in JC.Yap! Thats the confession! I'm possibly like the kid who screws up because he/she is so scared of screwing up that he/she trips and screws up. The ultimate irony...I dont want that to happen....I dont...Im actually possibly scared of the new term.. Confession #2Scared yah..not nervous..literally scared.I think Im actually going through a battle with the devil. He's making me think that Im lesser than everyoneelse...And by doing so, He'll affect my friendships, my grades etc..
Anyway tomorrow the new battle starts!
God Bless

Man in full body tattoo with a small child, dance class

K so I know I should be concentrating on my essay but I really needed a break. So im blogging!
Body is aching but its a good ache this time because of dance class yesterday night. I decided that within this 1 week holiday, Id take the chance to destress by taking up hip hop dance, by exploring cooking and my pampering myself in a way.
Hopefully I can finish this essay, do my props extraction and do my arts & Ideas essay. this is just a farction of what Id need to finish by end this week. :(
Anyway was sitting the bus recently and sat across this guy who had full limbs of tattoos. He could be menacing except that his attire was normal and casual. He also didnt look too angry. But what made me smile was when he got down, another small bespectacled and warmly dressed girl went down with hima nd walked by his side. Then he reached for her hand and they walked hand in hand down the street. Sweet :) Wondered what the relationship between them was and it would be interesting to think taht He was the dad and inside that tattooed and slightly angsty body of his, is a soft spot for his little girl.
Anyway..it's wednesday. The plan is to finish my essay by afternoon. *cross fingers*
God Bless

Hang in there Ning!

Hang in there babe.
You know you;re better than who you think you are.
You know that You can do better and you cant let yourself be handicapped by thoughts...
Everybody has to learn and dont let your thoughts handicap you from learning...

Yes skills and knowledge is the makes of a good SM or techie but attitude is as well and so you will have to show people that your attitude is good.
You can do it Ning. You're a fighter! Dont forget what Ms Liu said before.
Dont forget that you have alot of people who support you. Including God.
Dont forget that if He is for you, no one can be against you.
No matter what kind of challenge you get, you will get through because you are a Child of God.

Letter to my grandparents...

Dear Gong Gong, Ma ma & mama:

I miss all 3 of you. I miss visiting you. I miss the hugs and I miss the past.

I also wished that I had been a better and more considerate grandchild. I wish that I had more vivid memories of all of you because with all 3 of you gone, a part of the family history is gone.

I realize that theres so little I know about our family and about the troubles that u guys had to go through. Eg: WW2, migrating here, losing a spouse, losing children, etc. Maybe it doesnt seem important to for me to know but I feel like I need to. to preserve my memory of your existence. Not that your life wasnt precious to start with...but I feel like I would love to tell people about you...of your life...yet I have so little to say....

In the current age, we all take things for granted...I regretted that...

I want so much to take the time this year to look through photos and recount memories of you. to finally put together the pieces of your lives in our lives. To hear the stories you told my aunties and uncles that never got passed down. To see the streonger younger side of you that got lost byt eh time I had enough sense to realize.

Especially to Gong gong, I love you. You're the coolest grandpa. I dont know about how u were in the past but if you were as well tempered and quiet and cool as now, I would have loved to have u as my father. you would have been a model father... I especially adored you not only because you were the only grandpa I knew...but because of your character. Your humour, your few words, your everything.
Since ma ma died, I felt the tenderness towards you because I became aware of how fragile you were as a person. how much u loved my grandma and how much you loved your children and us.

I was so happy for you and Ma ma when both of you carried your 1st great grandchild. The joy on your face brings tears to my eyes still. And when Ngoh Ye and Ma ma passed away, I cried not just for the loss...but also for your pain. How even more fragile you became since then.

Now that you've gone, I can only say Im happy for you and I know you wouldnt want me to be grieving...but I cant get over it right now... I know God will give me the strength and peace.

For Ma ma, I love you too. I love how you and Gong Gong did such a good job raising half a dozen children. And how both of you have kept the family so close knitted. Despite how the aunties and uncles still have disagreements at times. I can still hear your voice when you call me or when u answer the phone. You would be hte first person I see when I entire the front door. Yes I miss your hugs.

Mama, you have done soooo much as well...survived the abuse as a small wife, finally finding your happiness to eventually lose my grandpa and have to raise up half a dozen kids on your own. knowing christ, basically surviving alot of hardship. And at the last fwe decades of your life, suffering hte nonsense that your children sometimes treat you with. I hate my young self who didnt treasure you...I hate not being patient with you. I hate not knowing you well enough...I love you and I dont wanna forget what your voice sounds like or your wise words..or even your singing. You were such a chrisitan trooper. reading the bible and praying every day. singing praises as you did your chores or did your craft. I felt like I didnt know you well enough to absord your resilience. You are in a way my idol. Because of you, cantonese old songs and chinese opera have a meaning to me.

I want to work hard to make all 3 of you proud. I hope all 3 of you are in heaven because that way when its my turn...Id see all 3 of you there.

Once again, I love you.....

Ode to my grandpa and a big LOVE to my family and friends

My grandpa passed away on 1 Aug. I was there to say goodbye...
Deep inside Im still crying because I always wanted my grandpa to get better.
I was so glad that I could go home to say my last goodbyes and give my eulogy. Im so glad that he saw his great grandchildren as well.
Having the little kiddies around helped me feel better as well.
I didnt cry as much as expected in Singapore but now that Im back, I feel the pain even more because Im alone.
I will miss giving my grandpa hugs, buying food up for him, seeing him and communicating with him in cantonese...just being by his side...
Im so thankful that I have family and friends around me who have helped me through this time. My own sister, cousin: Bryan & Jill, my niece and nephew:Ally & Max, my bros: Ian, Stephen, my sistas: Francine, Peiyan, my other bros: Wandi, and other close friends: Wendy, Jess etc
Also those in Sydney who look out for me too. :/
I am truly blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life....
I know that although funerals are painful, that its always in these occassions that I feel the blessings in my life..that my relatives come together and get closer. I love my extended family even more. esp my niece and nephew and my baby cousin, Bryan who is no longer a baby.
It was a short few days but i had a chance to catch up with Bryan, with my bros and sistas and with Wandi
Thanks guys for spending time with me...u guys mean alot to me. Not just being there to help me with things, but just merely to cheer me up. to make me laugh, to help me get my mind off my grandpa.
Now I know how it feels like to lose a precious grandfather while overseas. Reminded me so much of Pravin....I remember how he loved his grandfather like his own father. While I didnt get a chance to send him my condolences...I still felt the pain when I knew about it. I guess in a way...I wished that I was still close to him. no doubt that he is only a msg away....but we have probabaly drifted too far away to offer each other such condolences without feeling akward. I feel that he might be the best person to understand me...afterall, I still regard him as my bestest best bro.... These are the times that I wish we were still close...
I guess now I can stop worrying about anything happening to Gong Gong. because he is in a better place now...
God Bless

Swollen eyes

Stayed at sonals place last night.
Cried myself to sleep...
Woke up with swollen eyes.
Flying tomorrow morning back to Singapore
Feeling quite numb...

When I think of how he was supposed to wait for me to come back in December, I cry...
I know I should be glad that he died peacefully... But I didn't even want him to die. Maybe I was being selfish but I wanted him to recover...

Alas..

Time for school... Bye

God bless

I'm feeling much pain now...

My grandpa has just passed away. My precious grandpa.
The whole time he was in hospital I was determined to stay hopeful of his recovery but allas...

It hurts knowing that I wasn't there and throughout the day, periodically, I teared. Then as if triggered by human touch, the floodgates open and streams flow...

He is supposed to wait for me to come back in December...

It may sound wrong but I feel like I'd just broken up with someone and every memory is triggering tears.

This man is an awesome man! Well natured, humorous, funny man. I respect him as a father...
This is the only reason why I'm glad that I went back last month.

I miss him...

In memory of Mr Wong Kim Siang...

1st ASM duty...terrifying

So just finished an event nad my duty was ASMing. It is truly terrifying. I really did dread it and I really did feel like I failed. I felt like my classmates judge me as well. And all that in my head. I know its not safe to think that all that "behind my back" jibber jabber was going on but letting it get to me would put me back int eh pits of depression really soon and to survive this course, I have to stay afloat..above depression. I guess my only solution is to believe that God will keep me in favour...no matter what others say.

Anyway updates on life. Just fixed up my table and chair. On my own yah. Its ane asy DIY but I take pride in it. Rushing Prompt Copy and Arts & Ideas assignment today nad I feel like I can make it :) Not my favourite state to be in but I know God has given me enough strength to power through this week and next and next next.

Since coming back from Singapore. I have learnt a few things about being an intl student. And reason why Im writing this down..is because I know that someday Im gonna need to reflect on this for my own intl students...
1) you will still feel sad, cry on your 2nd, 3rd time leaving home.
2) When u come back to where u study...it is an awesome feeling to have someone to welcome u back and help you to acclaimatize to your study life again. Esp if u are just moving back into an unfamiliar house
3) It is very worthwhile and reassuring to have housemates that you can click with because aside from homework, they will be ur 1st source of encouragement and entertainment and company
4) No matter how long u've been there, you always need to be the 1st to make a move and make friends especially if ur very different from the locals
5) Never let ur mindset that locals treat foreigners differently, hinder ur objectiveness and approachability to them. Also never let that mindset affect how u view the locals daily response to u.

k gonna have lunch now.

God Bless!

He is AWESOME!!!

So this entry is a tribute to God. :)

Been feeling down these few days. yes I had a wonderful time in Singapore nd it was a recharge..but I didnt get much work done. So now is crunch time. I do hate myself for not doing work while I could but it was a tempation that won.

Anyway this lingering sadness sorta grew because I was quite alone in Sydney. But as already mentioned..my exhousemates did make my life better. God bless them! :)

What I really wanted to say was at the saddest and most stressful time today, my sista msged me with awesome news that Lee Foundation gave her a grant to study. not only that...the amount of money means her dad will have enough money for her younger sister to go for her exchange programmes.
Awesome news! God has provided for her and her family to not worry about money issues.

I feel happy for her and I feel how much God loves her. :) He is truly an awesome God. Only issue is that people even christians misunderstand Him.

And after chatting with her and thinking about my own situation. About how God even provided for me. Giving me this fabulous chance to study here. I say "Amen" to that too.

At the most stressful moment now...Im gonna work in confidence that He will get me through to meet my deadlines and go well even! Nothing works with only my strength. His power adn strength in my life will make things work out smoother.

I am now encouraged! :)

All Praises go to God! My Father, My Brother and My Holy Spirit! If He has put me here in Sydney, it will not be just for my benefit, for my success...but also to be the little candle for Him. to show the world in everything I do, that He is a GOOD GOOD GOOD God!

God Bless!!!

Thank God for friends

Its been 3 days since Im back... Am in school doing assignments now... sianz..

Have been quite down these few days because I sorta feel alone in Sydney. Which is odd because I didn't feel this the 1st 5 months. Even when my mum left... But this time..I really felt quite alone...

Updating on my flight.
My flight from singapore Brunei was meant to be at 1155am but the moment I got the the waiting lounge, it rained heavily...as if Singapore was crying for me. I couldnt bring myself to call my grandpa because he's the one I dont bear to leave the most...

The rain caused my flight to delay for 1 hour. Reached Brunei an hour late and had to wait a long while to enquire about leaving the airport. I got out and managed to meet Liyi and FangLing and the little Zion. What a blessed family! I can't put in words how much I adore them as a family and how much blessings I see in their lives and in Liyi's life.
Had Ayam Penyet with them and went off to the airport. Waited for 2 hours to board my flight..only to have hte flight delayed for another hour. Due to technical issues....

So the Brunei light flew at 11pm. I thought I had a good seat this time but the flight stewardess came and asked if I and the guy next to me could swop seats with another lady who needed that extra accessibility. The guy wasnt very reluctant to reply but when he heard that the other seat was along the aisle, he immediately requested for that. What a GENTLEMEN! I ended up getting the middle seat on the middle aisle... Oh well. I can deal with it...

I obviously didnt get a very good sleep but its okay. :) The 2 ladies who swopped with us were very grateful for the swop and we chatted awhile. :) I felt good.

I did my baggage claim and goods declaration as fast as I could. In fact the declaration line was amazingly short and best thing was I didnt even need to open my luggage for checking. BUT..despite all that smooth procedure, I still missed my flight. So the next flight came 1hr 45mins. Besides that, it was also 30mins delayed. So instead of returning at 11.30am sydney time, I returned at 1.05pm.

Really tired..took a cab to my new home. Honestly, in a place where I had no family and long time friends, I felt lonely and I was so glad that I had Sonal, Karthika and Samantha to call and hang around with.

I must say that after having such an awesome time in Singapore, Sydney was absolutely boring...

So back to today...still feeling abit of the pinch...have been camping at Sonal's place for 2 nights. And if I let myself, I'd end up camping at her place forever. I really wouldnt know if I would have been able to handle these first few days without her.

I think once I get to saturday where I ge the time to do up my room, Id feel better.

K gonna go do my work again.

God Bless

Back in Sydney

So i just got back from Singapore. Shall spare u the details of my flight for now. This entry is pretty much for me to vent my feelings.

I am missing family and friends now.

Now I understand what it feels to still feel sad and teary on the 2nd and consecative times u leave home. Makes me almost wish I didnt go back these 2 weeks because it would have saved me that feeling.

Its weird that I felt like I had never left Singapore...eveyrthing was still so familiar that I had never lost touch of anything.

I was so excited to see family and friends and triewd to camp all my gatherings intot eh 2 weeks as possible but to my dissappointment. I dont even think I could ever be able to do that! Theres just too many!

But Im glad I managed to meet alot of my clubs, my dear students, my Fambily, my family and extended relatives..and especially my grandfather. Broke my heart to see his condition. I pray that his healing will speed up and that the condition would never occur again!

After crossing the "half way through holiday" mark, I started feeling down...

In fact I can say that I was possibly handling it worse than when I first went. Maybe coz I now know whats in store. Not that I dont wanna be in NIDA. But that I know what hardwork I would have to put in. meeting expectations of others and mine.

Okay..gonna go. Need to settle much today. starting with bed. Shall blog on my holiday anf light back the next time :)

God Bless!

Last Day before leaving for Singapore

I guess you could count this as a reflection for the past half year. or 5 months to be exact. I think I did good. I think I survived well and Im proud of myself.
Just moved my stuff into my new house and its alot cheaper than what im paying now. However, Il need to get my own furniture. Thank God for Vanessa who is giving me her bed frame. Thank God for my classamtes who offer soo much to me. I do feel very privileged :)Cant wait to meet family and friends again :)The past few weeks have been tiring. its a good tired though. got my prompt copy assignment back and i did well. production was an experience that was so fruitful that even negativity of any kind was counted as good.I know i havnt been the smartest and fastest one on the block but I did try.On the closing day, we have a tradition to give presents to each other and I got a very nice present from my Lx Head and Lx designer. It made me feel like I had done well as a Lx Asst and I really do hope so.I know ive learnt the ins and outs of how to go about getting stuff. about different lights. Gel colours, how to patch up the dimmers. Do followspotting, focus lamps, fire retard curtains, operate the ULs, use the harness on the grid etc.
An equally important thing Ive learnt is not to let my emotions get the better of my work. Not that im emotional. Just overly concerned with how others view me. That isnt how God wants me to work and I know I shouldnt be that way.
This is truly my first production and throughout whatever trials, I still did enjoy it :)
Cant wait to hit Singapore tomorrow evening :)
God Bless

Opening night!

It's opening night for our productions. Amazing how time has flown. All our handwork will pay off and I claim this production a huge success!
Waiting for the half hour call.
I think I've learnt sooo much during these many weeks.
Much learning in lighting and practical work.
I really don't know how I can convey these lessons to those in Singapore.
Huge task!
I
I can't wait for my trip to Singapore but as I expected, I Havnt been able to get myself to go my assignments or projects.., sigh.

All will be well! I will do good. Getting my footing now. I'm startin to feel comfortable with the equipment etc.

God bless!

Little bit of understanding

So, from last week, ive started having late nights. school work is pilling up and Im starting to get stressed.
Ive also been thinking about what I need to do before going home, while Im home and after. As well as what to pack so that when I leave Unilodge, I can move stuff easily. All this will be a B*&^$ to settle since Im in production mode.

Thankfully today is a public holiday. :D time for me to do some stuff. And had midnight grocery shopping last night so groceries are settled. All i need to do is start cooking... for this week's lunch and dinner. RRaawwrr. Ive been very disciplined in not having instant noodles ...only the occasional lazy dinners. But even then, my maggi dinners have been with vegetables, corn and bits of stuff. not just egg and MSG.

So I've been living in a less oil style since coming here. I really hope Ive lost weight. :/

Cant wait to go back to Singapore and do stuff with people I love :)

Yet I know that it willb e a very packed 2 weeks because I have assignments to finish.

I had a revelation the last few days about some people ive been having trouble understanding. I realize that their erratic behaviour could be due their own reaction to the behaviour of others around of above them. Isnt a new discovery but it made me think things from a different point of view. Maybe I am one of those causing their response too... oh well...

Anyway im getting more excited by the day. cant wait for 2 July. :)

God Bless

Its been a long 4-5 weeks

So few thigns on my mind now...new house, Singapore holiday, ASSIGNMENTS and production. I dont know how Im gonna handle it actually but I know I will. Have to lah.
Apparently the exchange rate now is 1.45 SGD per AUSD. scary!
The past few weeks have been quite a time. Im in the new world of lighting and Im really trying my best not to be a troublesome lighting assistant.... I really am trying..I just havnt been able to do well...I feel like a slow brained lost sheep who doesnt know what the hell Im supposed to do and I hate for people to keep giving me instructions and repeat them. Just coz I feel like I should already get the picture ont eh 1st order.
Thats mostly whats been bugging me. Also that I feel like I need to read minds to know how Im supposed to react to people's comments. Just cause I dont know what mood they are in. And that sucks the most!I realize that that issue in itself can make me tensed and stress is what comes out of it.
Adding on to my "failed" english...and inabilitiy to understand the aussie accent well....
Makes me feel like Im a potential failure...Haiz
But Peiyan messaged me yesterday about having faith in God. About remembering that I am put in NIDA not by my own skills or smarts...but seriously purely by God's grace. And knowing Him, He doesnt put me in a place to fail. Im am here not just to learn, but also to "teach" While I see myself as having the inability to "teach" I know I have to learn. And Im gonna keep that in mind to keep learning and keep persisting in that because while it may seem tough at times...He also doesnt put us in situations that we can't handle.  Hence I know that within the 3 years, I will turn out fantastic. I choose to see it that way.
The production will persist till end of June. Wendy is popping by and Early July I'll be home. Assignments due when Im back. LOTS TO DO!
Anyway..lunch is over. Back to work...
GOD BLESS!

Blog 1st, Homework later! No not really hehehe

Its already 2 days intot eh week and Im already wishing for the weekend! Raawwrrr! Aside from that Im doing fine.

I did however call myself "stupid/blur/wth!" quite aa few times these few days and it is a clasic example of me putting myself down. I wish I knew more about lighting and rigging and all the different procedures of doing stuff and most importantly, "getting the idea" quickly! I feel like I let my lighting head and lighting designer down!

And there I was a day ago feeling good about how my common sense was enough for me to figure out how to cook and not to cook stuff. At least the basic principles... Haiz.

As I walked home, I talked myself to be positive and not worry about what others say. I am indeed a noob at lighting and so its obvious that it will take me awhile to get it. I doubt myself and my impressions too much and I think faster than I hear...

If I let myself be dissappointed by myself and the whispers of Satan to bring me down...Id eventually go down. But I dont want that! I will persist in learning from my stupidity..

Also last night, I had a very vivid dream that I my ex had come back to me....doesnt hurt anymore but I was quite surprised by what triggered this dream off. of course not all dreams made sense or even stood for anything so Im not holding it against God or the dream itself to have any significance in my life hahaha Dont worry Im fine :) not upset, not worried, not affected, just curious.

Obviously as old flames go, the good ones die hard. Im not in pain but I sometimes also wished that what was, wasnt so shortlived. obviously that would be my own opinion haha

That said, in all the times after that, Im glad I wasnt in a relationship. Im very glad Im not in one now. Coz it would be a total ass of a situation when Im overseas now and studies are to be my priority. Im very relieved esp when seeing how some of my friends are going through all that now.

Anyway, life must go on and I have faith in my God that such an important affair as this will not be ignored and left to mere human understandings. God always has plans for me and I will dwell in that knowledge. Amen!

K back to work!

God Bless!

My Class in Strine (Aka Australian) slang

So after a casual metion of the Servo, Bottle O and Sando, my 2 mentors decided to further educate me on australian...excuse me I meant Strine slang.

Why is it Strine slang? Because if you say the word Australian in the australian outback accent fast enough, you'll hear it as Strine! So Strine it is!

It was the most interesting lunchtime class I had and all this credit goes to Juz and A-Man (aka Alex)

1) Yanking your chain - Joking with you
2)Spring a leak - Pissing
3) Drop your kids at the pool - Shitting
4) Driving the Porcelain bus - Shitting
5) Taxi - ( this is yelled out when someone drops anything glass)
6) Ducks Guts / Bees Knees - When something is deemed as excellent or awesome
7) Bulldust - Lie
8) Cadsuaoop - lie
9) Stroof - Exclamation of surprise
10) Dullbludger - a person living of goverment funding
11) Drungo - Idiot
12) She'll be Apples - She'll be fine
13) Chin Wag - Light informal conversation for social occassions
23) Esky - Ice box/cooler
15) Ankle Bitters - Kids
16) Bottle O - Alchol Shop
17) Exy - Expensive
18) As useful as an ass on an elbow (self explanatory)
19) As useful as tits on a bull - (self explantory)
20) Watering Hole - Pub
21) Booze Bus - Police vehicle used to deals with drunkards
22) Barbie - Barbeque
23) Servo - Petrol Kiosk
23) Sando - Sandwich

Class Dismissed!

God Bless!

Missing home...

Yap missing home again. Think its the cold that makes me miss the warmth of family. Whether is hanging with the guys or even hanging with sister in front of PC or meeting students...miss it.
Received news today that my newphew is visiting Sydney. Wohoo! Family!
Also cant wait to go back to singapore. Wohoo!
Getting all the random msgs from friends on facebook. Wohoo!
And keeping in touch w Steph, Fran, Peiyan and Ian on whatsapp. :)
Yes the internet is a valuable thing to have. Its cause of internet that I probably feel better...but it also brings about the phrase " so near yet so far"
Recently, my housemate asked me how it feels to not have a boyfriend. Especially when it means he'd be in Singapore while I in Sydney. And for the first time in my life, Im glad.

I wont say that I havnt been happy...nor would I say Ive been very much depressed with not having one...but the lack of one is a relief...saves me the need to maintain it while still here. or even worry about whether we'd break up.

Im very very very sure that God had in mind for me to go through all this further studies..and maybe thats why He's preserved me till now... Afterall, he knows very well that I wont be able to handle all that while in Sydney.

Oh Well. He's given me the strength and spirit so far...He'll definitly guide me through

Ning

Melbourne Trip

Okay after 3mins, I finally got the textbox working...
So anyway, its the last day of holiday which isnt the best day for me but enough of that, Melbourne trip.Its sad that it only occured to me that I was alone on this trip  when I was walking to the plane coming home. Albeit that I was staying at my relative's place...but I was essentially travelling to and fro melbourne alone.It started off with me not sleeping the night before I left. With Ian, Stephen and Fran on skype, that made things easier. Getting my butt to the airport wasnt as expected. Missed the bus by less than 1 minute and ended up taking a cab. Got to the airport, checked in my bag and proceeded to my gate. All was cool and I was quite excited despite being sleepy. Almost collapsed when I fell asleep standing. Slept on teh plane. Was an hour plane trip.

The descend onto the airport runway was beautiful!. As the plane went in, the neighbouring carpark had rows of cars that reflected the morning sun. So row by row they would "light up" Like 70's disco floor  lights that light up square by square. Only this was brighter. Amazing.

There wasnt the moveable corridoor that other airports had so we had to get off hte plane, onto the tarmac and walk towards the arrival hall. 1st time. call me noob then.

I got out of the customs and went to get my bus ticket to the city. Having done so, picked my luggage and went tot he bus. The bus ride was relaxing because the airport was out in the "oo loo-iest" country suburbs that most of hte bus ride was going through farmland. 50mins worth. It was relaxing and the closer I got to the city, the more excited I got.

Stopped at Southern Cross Station and proceeded to walk down to the Crown to watch ny nephew and niece dance. :) Got in,watched and cheered. well...silent cheering hahah

I admit I wantedf to go and see how dancesport competitions were like, as well as to be morale support to my niece and nephew hahahah that probbably didnt turn out as planned because I fell asleep at times (definitely the one they were in) and we were quite far away. On hindsight, should have just sat with them as my nephew offered...but it felt abit funny to be sitting with dancers...abit (as singaporeans say it) "Zor Dang"

So after the competition, we had dinner at a japanese restaurant together with Foong's dad and Laura's husband. Fabulous sashimi but bloody expensive. And the running topic was how gay the waiters were. hmmmThe next 2 days were on my own. pity because everyone was working. Which is fine because I really wanted to get my essay done..except that my determination to finish essays was screwed. I took that time to meet my friends as well. Poh Ling, Eric, Timothy, Zeeson.. So it was either visintg hte city or staying at home. I managed to meet many of my distant relatives and learnt that I now had 1 grand niece and 1 grand nephew in Melbourne. And I got to see Kee again after such a loonnnggg time! He's lost much weight..I think the thing I hated most in melbourne was not being able to provide my own easy transport. And being a typical Singaporean Chinese...brought up with mum's nagging...I felt uncomfortable just letting my relatives send me around as and when I needed.. I hated that...So badly that I resorted to finding my own way home from the train station.I guess I hated being a burden..I wanted as much to just leave the planning to their convenience because I hated making them go an extra inch for me. So Id try to plan my own day with as much trouble for them as possible.Admittedly, i also wished I had spent more time with them. I wished that I had planned all my friend gatherings at the time that my relatives were not free..so that I could be there when they had more free time. Shit..But even then...that would have been weird for me too because I didnt want to be a trailing auntie. That everywhere my nephew went, Id follow hahahaha That would be terribly akward.  In fact, just being there with him and his dance friends...was...not entirely uncomfortable...more that I didnt have anything to say and hence felt out of place...not that I didnt want to meet his friends..not that I was being antisocial...more that I really didnt seem like I fit in...hmmNot all of his friends are that way by the way.
So other stuff that happened..I did value the time I had with ym old friends too. To check up on how they are doing and see how their lives are like. I went down to Uni Melbourne to have a look...nice old school in fact..walked around it with Eric. Took pics of the ISC there. The size of teh clubhouse would have made SP ISC drool hahahahabut back to family..I just ended up in a dilemma of wanting to spend more time with my nephew but definitely didnt want to be clingish and in my head..I somehow felt that that was really wrong...... I think its coz when I 1st came to melbourne, I was a kid and he was the only other kid I could play with, draw and colour with, run around the house with. And I had felt a very strong bond with him...like he was my brother. No jokes and Im not taking this brother thing lightly. Him and my other 2 cousins in US are my closest Blood related brothers. I love all 3 of them to bits and I guess I really regret not having been able to spend more of my childhood years with them each. Because I miss tussling and wrestling and being kiddish with them. So in the sense, I feel abit dissappointed that I couldnt relive that fun playful time when we're all grownups. or maybe I let my age and status get in the way... especially for my nephew and I..this whole auntie thing made me feel like I had to be the more mature one... which sucks...I want to be the one who cn still be a kid and have fun and snuggle up into a ball with my cousins and nephew, and tease and crack lame jokes with them...we grew up too fast.I had alot of chocolate on this trip...Koko black, Max Brenners, Haigh... loved it.. ALso bought some chocs to Sydney. not gonna last very long...but oh well....So the night before yesterday I stayed up all night again..so that I wudnt oversleep. my nephew sent me to the airport on time but my plane got delayed...that could have given me enough hours to even consider sleeping the night before! The hours spent not sleeping was spent on chatting with my niece (who is 7 years my seniors) About dance, about the big family tree..Despite the dissappointment, I am glad that I am still quite close to my nephew and niece. Why? because for starters we are distant relatives..their grandma is my grandma's niece...we're not even within the same great grandma or same grandma. So we're really very distant relatives. Yet to be able to have such a relationship with them is really rare even for a big family.All thsi makes me miss my cousins in US even more and makes me miss my family of bros and sisters...At this very moment, I really really need to huddle up to all of them...have all of us squeeze onto a sofa or bed, under covers, watch random shit on tv, with popcorn...for 1 entire nght. doesnt matter if any of us fall asleep..we just fall asleep in the midst of each other..its cramped but its very cosy...need allt eh physical hugs I can get...Call me silly and say that I dont have a childhood but I also didnt have a close knitted direct family..This si random but I really really think that for a child to feel loved, physical touch is important. Hugs, hair tussels, holding of hands, its needed..truly. So as I walked onto the melbourne tarmac again...it hit me that I had been on this trip on my own..my 1st plane trip alone.. I had started to feel quite shitty before hte trip ended..Anyway about my descend onto Sydney..before descending, we came to a whole sheet of clouds. white clouds..a whole carpet of it...no gaps int eh middle to show land. as we got lower to the sheet of clouds, the sun rays started to reflect more and the clouds started to change to a sheet of pink cotton floss. As we moved down through the sheet of clouds, its was just pink for a while until we got out and instantly, there were raindrops on my window. Yes Sydney was raining...in fact yesterday and today was raining...
Got home, slept till evening, had dinner with Tom (my classmate), slept till today morning....did my essay, had lunch........didnt have mood today...no mood at all.
Really needed physical hugs today..needed to huddle up with bros and sistas...suffering from Melbourne withdrawal syndrome...regret not having enough time....all sorts of nonsense feelings...some warranted..some not...

I know Il be fine soon..but just feel absolutely ridiculous today hahaha Haiz....might not even have dinner coz Ive no appetite...just wanna sleep and get rid of this irritating headache I have...

God bless

Happiness pops out at the darkest places

In the midst of a series of sad things happening, 2 things happened that made me a much happier person. 1, my grandpa asked to be baptized this week and he is gonna be baptized today :) 2), one of my best friends is attached.

For the 1st, I praise god for giving him that want. I also pray that god will keep guiding him towards Him. That he will eventually be in heaven. Praise the Lord Almighty!

The 2nd: I'm so happy that he's found his love. We've had a hard few years. At least he's found someone to share it with. Not that I'm not close enough to him to share his joy and pain... But theres only so much even a best friend will know.

Hmm this emo season is abit worse than I thought. I found myself asking and thinking about the past (past that shouldn't be dug up and should never be spoken of) found myself being upset or scared of things that I normally wouldn't.

Hmmm anyway, today is the last day in Melbourne. Feel sad because I wish it'd last longer but at the same time, I feel like I shouldn't impose on my relatives. I know it's an old fashioned thinking but I do feel like that alot ... Oh well..
K gonna go.. Heading to Cory now.

God bless!

People emo, I also emo

So much has been happening in Singapore and aroun me that I couldn't help to emo abit haha.. Oh well at least it's only monthly. Cut me some slack you!

Anyway, I've been pushed into remembrance of my little past. It sucks to know that people I know feel pain and sadness that I had once had been flooded with. And to want to help them yet not know how... All one can do sometimes is to knod in agreement...

Anyway, yap abit of emo-ness did affect abit of my day. Also because I didn't sleep, I've been quite groggy today. Body shutting down at random parts of the day.

Glad that I managed to meet Ling and Tim and Eric in this week... Much catching up done. :)

God, nobody is able to fully express what they feel because of lack of words/pride/pain etc but I know and am relieved that You are with me, in me, looking down on me. Reading my thoughts and feelings like an open book. That I wouldnt even need to speak in words. Jut close my eyes, tilt my face to the wind and smile. Afterall, it is done.

Too many people whom I love God. Keep them in your watch too because their happiness does affection and I do love them. :)

God Bless

:) Yes Im proud of you.

Not much space on facebook to say it so I decided to do it here. Its probably coz Im being abit more emotional this weekend hahaha
Anyway I figured that I might as write it here because I know you'd be able to find it here.
1stly, Im honored that you'd think of me when u got nominated babe. I am honored coz I cant believe that I would have that significance to you. It sounds like Im being melodramatic but it truly means something to me that you did and I am touched. :) Really
2ndly, I am proud of you despite your getting selected or not because I love you like a sister and I havnt not been proud of you. no matter how you may feel that you've dissappointed me .I cant believe that given the status diff between us in SP, that such a relationship would occur and honestly, in current times, it is very rare so I value our friendship.So yes I am proud of you as a sister for having handled everything that life threw at you with such energy, maturity and confidence. I know at times you're not your happy self but you dont really show it but I admire you for having all that strength in you :)3rdly, Congrats for graduating from SP. I'm sure its been a very long journey for you. No matter what has happened, SP will definitely have significance in your life. Im so sorry that I cant be there with u at Graduation ceremony. Thats my biggest regret in leaving Singapore so quickly. Seeing you guys graduate..being there to take pics w you guys.
I love you and miss you very very much woman :) Its students and friends like you that make me miss SP...and its students and friends like you that make me sad and happy that you're graduating.

If you do get selected, then have fun doing it and please please save a recording for me! Make sure u get a copy of the recording babe. Also, remind me again on when the graduation date will be so that I might *cross fingers* be able to tune in live.

HUGS HUGS HUGS *Chocolate CAKE*

Ning

So far so good :) 1 more week to 2 months in Aussie

Hahahah honestly i didnt expect to be blogging so little but I guess my initial fear of not being able to keep in touch w people I loved..wasnt as bad hahaha
School has been quite busy, typical day is 9-6pm and on assignments are due soon.
Bought my ticket to melbourne in april to visit my nephew and a bunch of other friends there, esp poh ling. :)
Making friends with people from various countries, starting with my housemates who are a fun bunch of people...and this is not cause I know one of them reads this hahaha Yes Im still the craziest one in the house but we just have loads of fun laughing and making fun of each other hahahaHad a wonderful time having a heart to heart talk with them last weekend :)
Foodwise, its been more cooking than anything. amazingly enough, the little aounts of cooking Ive done during Home economics or at home, have paid off! Somehow God has kept that in the depths of my brain that I would still be able to remember enough to cook an edible meal. Needless to say, theres been a fwe failures. hahhahaha yah but well if they're edible, one can't reaally deem in as a failure right? hahahahaAnyway Ive now got a regular routine of sunday calls to grandpa's place. Which is cool when i get to see my nephew, niece, cousins, aunties, mum, and grandpa. And yes I miss family, my bros and sistas and I also miss my "kids" Had a few chances to observe a few productions in the last month and I feel very much privileged :) Sometimes I wished that my students had such privileges too. had a classmate who introduced to me a particular competition for college kids who put up musical like performances with elaborate sets, costumes etc and the quality of their work is ahelluve lot better than what singaporean youth could do... of course singaporean institutes dont have the luxury of that kind of money.
Aside from which, I havnt had a chance to really sit down somewhere and chill and reflect and write songs etc...its been soooo long. I havnt been singing as much....Im actually itching to dance or sing leisurely.... :) And as usual, I sorta wished that I knew how to play the piano...not that I have a piano in my house...but in school yes hahaha
oh well...gonna stop here. Work to do. :)
God Bless!

1 month anniversary

Its been about 6 weeks since I left Singapore and I must pat myself on my back about my ability to handle being away from home. I guess my initial sentiments of not being able to stay away from Singapore might not be as bad as I thought.
Of course it could just be because I have stuff to do and Im still finding the novelty of exploring australia.
Anyway school is good. We're going through assignments etc and Ive got my big project even!
Since leaving Singapore I've gotten my mum's eye for mess. Well not to her level at least but I have been more serious with the cleanliness of the kitchen. Food has been good and Ive started to cook. no burnts and injuries so far.
My housemates are fun to speak to and they remind me of my friends in singapore. Fun bunch! I malaysian, 1 indian, 2 from china etc :)
Ive grown to love alot of my classmates and what I love about people in australia (at least those Ive come in contact with) is that they are more vocal about affection. But yet..it also reminds me of the love and affection I have for those I love in Singapore.
Recently...unfortuantely..Ive started to wonder how great it would have been to have someone special I love..but I then quickly remind myself that that relationships would be in trouble. So I guess in a warped way, Im glad I didnt have a relationship before I came over. Everyones asking me if I found an angmoh boyfriend hahahhaha but I know I wudnt ever go there. Aside from all this, my communication with my family has been better. Its maybe because I dont ave to face them every day and I dont have to hear their rambles, only their misses. But having not to hear their rambles and complaints actually makes it easier for me to speak to them via email.Hopefully my emails to them about my thought process here and how Im living, would help them realize that I am able to be more independent that what I may seem in Singapore. that I can looka fter myself, that I do cook and clean, that I am cautious and fast thinking about certain things....in essence, that Im not just taking things for granted. Hope my mum realizes that nagging has never helped things in the present and that just coz she sees certain things as they are...doesnt mean that they are always that way...I especially miss my grandpa. Hope he's in good health. My heart goes out most to him...I also miss my sis. Its a pity that our family never developed the "hugging" culture because hugs can make such a big difference. at least I think so. And maybe I sorta regret not giving my family hugs. Especially my sis. Its actually amazing really. My sis and I didnt always hit it ont eh right note and I reacll quarrelling with her a fair bit...but I always remember the small things we used to share. basketball sessions, playtime, tv drama times, random movie moments etc. And I cant say that our relationship was bad. It was and is quite good! :) Yeah and I can actually say that I really do love my sister. She annoys me at times but I do love her. Our family is quite screwed up on a whole but Im glad that i have her.Also miss Francine , ian & Stephen, Peiyan etc. My sistas, my student clubs and basically....Singapore and the familiarity of it...No dont worry that I miss singapore too much, Im doing fine and I dont start crying when I think about home etc. Im not homesick.Anyway as the school term goes, I forsee other problems surfacing from the class and I forsee my stress level going up but Im clear that I will eb able to handle it. God will help me with that!Just had a backstage tour of Capitol Theatre today and it was FABULOUS! When I saw the HUGEASS sound desk and the BIG BAND miced up onstage, i got sooooo excited! Shit! I wanna be able to work that!ANd when they played music through the system...I was HIGH! I know what excites me now!K gotta go back to doing my project work now....I know in my heart, there are 1 or 2 people whom I cant name, whom I miss alot and I wished that I could tell them that...but I cant...coz it wouldnt be right. I also know they wouldnt read this blog coz they wouldnt bother. But nonetheless...I do miss them...
As for church, I admit I havnt been the most disciplined christian...but yes I do go to Hillsong for church. Worship has been so helpful in bringing me closer to God :) Its sooo easy to forget about Him...because Satan preys on people who are alone.
K seriously time to go. Take care and I love you!
God Bless

okay its been awhile but im back!

Yes im officially back! Ive got my iphone, mobile broadband and sch connection so Im quite connected to the world :DSchool has been good, Ive managed to adapt to the environment for now, made new friends, still quite shy about people who are not in my class but alls still well. Had fun during the workshop periods, made my own old school tool box (drill, sander, nails and screws and all) and made my own apron! Yes wearable!Been cooking as well and somehow Ive become alot more disciplined here than in spore. marketing weekly and stuff.School work is picking up but im really trying to stay focused.Still miss people in Spore but Im actually adapting quite well. At least now australia doesnt seem like a foreign country to me. I dont feel a stranger to the place and Im quite happy to communicate with people. Somehow, australia is friendlier and more expressive than S'pore..or maybe im just generalizing....
new housemate is finally in and she's malaysian hahha which is a sense of familiarity for me. In fact only last week, i finally found someone i know in Spore, studying in UNSW! one of my sp students!I was surprisingly happy about it and only then did i realize how it feels to have "a piece of home".Not that I was very close to him..but because he was someone who represented (in a way) who i was and where i was from...
Cant wait to have people visit me coz it would be a great great feeling!
K gonna pack up and head home :)
God Bless!
Ning

Back online but stillin sydney

To all lf my (at most) 6 people who read this hahahaha

So I'm online because I have my iPhone. but im at a internet cafe downstairs my place now. Called Happy Convenience. hahahaha

1st week was fun coz it wasn't the school term and I could hang out in the city with mum. We did slot of walking and exploring in the city. Seems there's alot more Chinese than I expected and in fact, there are alot of Cantonese speaking people. I bought my hp in Cantonese hehehe

The bus system is bait like Melbourne and Singapore in the sense that it goes by geographical distance but we enchant an ezlink card that will automatically calculate our distance. We haveto buy the right ticket for the estimated distance

Mum and I ended up walking alot more coz itwas abut hard to find out which bus does where.

We happened to arrive the day before australia day and so weended up at darling harbour watching the Australia day fireworks and performances.

In themidst of all this, I was still quietly assessing the sydney Australian so see how I should be acting as too. I guess they're quite like singaporeans...

In the midst of all that, I got my hp, and bank account done so I'm working on getting all my tools and books for school. In the meantime, school orientation has started. In fact its already the 3rd day. Trying hard to fit in because my classmate Nd I are the only intl students there. in our cohort. Other students who are not australian born , have at least lived in australia for around 3 years plus.

I know Im supposed to count my blessings that Im here but Im missing singapore and everyone there. Especially the times that my friends and I go for supper or dinner. Somehow, my appetitite hasnt been upt eh past 2 weeks. Simply coz I dnt have hte mood to. Even when mum was here, I just didnt have a preference on what to eat..no craving etc. Simply eat coz I have to.

So for teh past few days..I havnt been eating outside. Bought abit of stuff from Woolworths and other convenience stores and survived on that...dont worry..vegetables and fruits included.
It isnt as healthy as I would have wanted it but I know as I slowly get used to my school life (afterall its still only orientation now) that I would slowly build steam and get down to making my lifestyle healthier.

Cant wait for Foong to visit, cant wait for my bros and sistas to visit. much to eat guys! But I wouldnt go without u.....feels wrong.

so yeah... :)... miss u guys, lotsa love from downunder.

God Bless

Feeling damn sad...

6 days before I fly over and Im getting slightly emo.

Been trying to clear my room...office and house. both are hard... As I cleared alot fo stuff from my office, I was feeling abit sad and reminised about how my years in DSD has been...the photos, the flowers, the songs that have become more meaningful to me..Eg: Hey Soul Sister, The Man Who Cant Be Moved, River Runs In You, Drip Drop, etc

I went to see my grandpa yesterday and I wasnt feeling very happy because the morning, I was woken up by my mum who then proceeded to nag at me to visit my grandpa..in a particular tone, implying that I didnt care abt him. Truth is, if I think about leaving my grandpa for so long, I get emotional. He is my one and only grandpa...and I love him to bits! He's not a grumpy old man, he's got the stubborness of a small boy at times but he's also a humourous quiet man....

And to be honest, I can safely say that aside from my grandpa, I dnt think id cry for any other relative when I leave because I wont feel tha same affection. Not that the others dont matter to me. My cousins and my niece and nephew  do...but I know they can look after themselves. But sad to say...I dnt klnow if i'll say the same for my parents. Its not about them not being perfect...its more abt them not being mature enough to handle their relationship and each other. And they have no maturity to handle their own children. Yes they have been dissappointing. I respect them obviously...but my love for them isnt the kind that would make me wanna share everything I know or feel with them..because..maybe...since young, I never received the verbal affection, reinforcement of love...that would convince me that they do love me and regard me as special as compared to other people they compare me to....

my mum will be going w me and I suspect that this s because my dad forcedf her and because she doesnt want to...she's subconsciously taking it out on me. Shes shows her irritation on me but most of it are not for me but she evidently becomes especially angry now even when I make small mistakes. Haiz...