Lets start the reflections...

Its 11 more days till New Year... who knew that 2016 would be such an exciting year!

I cant even begin to list down all the things that have happened this year!
1) Europe trip with Sis and brother in law. A first in European soil and riding European trains!
2) New office space
3) Learning a new instrument (ukulele/tambourine)
4) 1st Night cycling
5) Breaking my wrist and having it in a cast
6) Seeing one of my dearest sistas get married
7) Piercing my ears
8) Delving into the realms of cider and beer
9) Performing in The Beacon and Timbre at Arts House
10) Helping at ACJC,
11) Calling a dance show at Fusionopolis
12) Realizing that maybe love might have been just a shoulder away. And that maybe its not possible to predict who you would or wouldnt love. Because life has a way of making sure that u eat your words.

Who needs theme parks really...

As for next year's resolutions... here's a short list
- improve on singing
- save more money
- swim, zumba, cycle and exercise more
- Be closer to God
- Learn to love again
- Keep in touch w Stage management & lighting and audio

1 word hangs in the back of my mind

I cant believe u managed to break through the hard shell... and now that u're in, theres never been a day that u dont do rounds around my head. I attribute my headaches and mood swings to you. You've made my months a rollercoaster ride...

But yet..I always end up finding myself smiling when I think of you...and u make me miss u every day... you make me fall asleep thinking of you and wake up hoping to hear from you...

I do feel abit pathetic.. for willingly wading in this pool of quick sand...

1 word hangs at the tip of my tongue... Babe/Love
And i wonder some times, when or if I will ever have that luxury/right of calling u that...

Of course this makes me almost shit scared that it could all be 1 sided..but whatever it is,   i guess i would try to look more towards the happiness i felt when this dream lasts.. than crying at what might not be mine.

Thank you for the love babe. Thank you making me feel like I am loved.

Good job..let me clap for you...

Good job Ning. You killed the one thing that made you happy because u let your temper get the better of you...now your heart is so bruised that it almost seems like it isnt beating...
like it was numb...
U always knew ur temper would hurt others...u always knew that you couldnt hold your tongue. Now you gone and destroyed it...come I clap for you...

Time to get myself back again...

Ive been saying this for the past few months and I still have not figured it out...

Like the last time, it took me years to get back on my feet... this time..Im not sure anymore... but what i know is that for me to keep my sanity and focus, I have to let go and continue to build myself...

I can't keep thinking of him anymore...

I guess the best part about this entire experience is that we talk more now...we know how each other feels now... we are surprisingly still close and I dont know if I should love it that way...
I guess one day we will know but I can't bring myself to hold hopes..because from experiences, it only makes me sink back into the problem..

So all i can do, is go back to being myself... the best of me...

Was thinking abut it yesterday...about who I am... still haven't found an accurate description...

Who exactly am I?

Im not exceptionally kind or smart or funny...I dont have a lot of heart. The same evilness in an average human, is the same in me. Im not exceptionally focused, Im a scatterbrain...I like a lot of things but Im not skilled in any.... I'm average...

Then i realised what I needed to do... its not finding who I am..but who I can be... so who can I be and what do i need to get there?

I want to be....
- good enough to emcee and external dinner and dance well
- able to play the guitar/ukulele and sing
- be able to do sound, lighting and stage manage
- get fitter... swim/cycle/rollerblade more...

maybe 1 day i will be able to do up my own videos/covers.. maybe..

God Bless

I miss you

This is to the one who might not have appeared into my life. Honestly I dont know but I guess Ive been abit burnt recently that Im not sure what to think anymore...

This morning made me very tiring... I might have misread the tone of certain msges that made me abit more upset than I needed to be. That of course is a lesson learnt..that messages are never a clear indication of the emotoins that someone is feeling. whatever it was, I was (at that moment) worried that I have pissed off one of my closest friends...

Whilst all this was happening...I was thinking, " I have no energy now to decipher just how a person feels..." and " If Im gonna suck that much at not being a problem...that maybe I shouldnt even be allowed to start anything"

I remember feeling very small and lousy from upseting people that I was ready to throw in the towel... Especially for this person... Some friends are too valuable too have that u dnt feel worthy of having them... this was one.

Anyway I'm now in a stressed state... I know I shudnt be so stressed...but my lack confidence has dropped down to ground zero... and I need someone here...

Not just anyone..the one...
Pity i dont really know who it is and the one in my head and heart now..might not actually be the one I can call now... So The One might still be out there...
BUT whoever it is....I really need the person now...feeling abit too weak now. Just need to call The One and talk to him, hear his voice... That might be all I need to recharge...

Babe..come soon...

slow recovery

So he's been in china..and that's a good time for me to recover..I'm not sure how things will be the next we meet. I don't know if we will still greet each other with hugs, whether we won't change in mannerisms at all..or whether I've lost that closeness for good..
We used to give each other hugs, tease each other, console each other, talk abt our issues with family and friends, talk about music and students... at our silliest, it would involve tickles, pinches etc
But i don't know if all that will continue to exist.
The only reassurance I have is that our friendship matters to each other. And I'm hoping that that wouldn't change no matter what.
I don't know if I am the closest friend that he has... but i know that in certain ways, he's the one I want to speak to the most.
Its silly that at this moment, I do miss him... I miss his silliness as well as seriousness...
But of course, I cant say all this to his face... shitscared of being an emotional fool again. Just like the last relationship...

I really do miss this one... sigh.. pity the time just isnt right..and one can never catch butterflies by force.

God Bless

recovery

some days its easier.. some days I get reminded and its back to square one.

Today was alot better... I have not cried..

But whilst talking to my students abt their problems, and me being touched by how sweet this student of mine is, I was close to tearing..

It made me think of my song...and made me think of his song...

And i realized just how appropriate my song was to him..and his song to me...

I think the reason why i still cry..is because I miss him and because i know that I have to totally get away from him...and that we could have been something..maybe... something happy...

And this all still reminds me of Pravin and I....how much I had to go through to get out of that hell hole. Ive been asking myself alot recently..of whether I would be willing to disregard religion and race.... whether I was willing to give it a try anyway.... and my answer now..is yes I am...

Not because I believe that we can overcome that...but because I know where I'm happy... and I know that no matter how things may work next time, I wouldnt regret the time we had or might have...

But its too late now I guess... coz the answer I got was a No...


TO you,

I wish u all the happiness that I cant provide. Im sorry i caused u so much pain and dissappointment. Trust me that I know how you feel. Its not gonna be easy but I will still fulfill my role as a friend and back you up whenever you need it. All you need to do is tell me. And please..tell me.

I said that this friendship matters to me and it does. While i cant see u as a sibling and neither can you, You are still my family. you're more than a friend and Always will be... No matter what..I do still love you..and I cant seem to change that no matter what Ive done to get you out of my head.

This is gonna be a tough time for me. And whilst I would hope to have you with me, I need to work this out on my own. Because I have to stop being emotionally affected by you. Not when you arent gonna be mine.

I keep hoping that you'd call me and tell me that you've changed your mind..but Im silly... too silly...
And Im sorry that Im that silly... that I cant just let things be... because they race around my head...
Especially when within the last year, we've just gotten alot closer... and that wall that Id built..is now fully down thanks to you.. I always wonder what your behaviour means in all this.. that and your words..confuse me... and now Im building my wall back up again...

Thats why all the more, I have to move away... if this is all not meant to be..then I have to move away...

Thats the end...

The last 2 days have probably been the most emotional days I've had in a long time...
aside from the random monthly breakdowns..this might top it all off... I am in tears... :/

But like I've always said, tears are fine. it's how you carry on right?... I'm gonna take awhile to carry on from this...

To put it short,

the one person whom Id grown to love and probably have loved for the past 6odd years or more...finally revealed that he used to have feelings for me. But also revealed that I had indirectly rejected him twice... And so its too late...

the difference in our religion has always been an issue for me... and just when i decided that I might actually consider...

the decision made was that we have to move on...

It all seems really simple... but it isnt...coz my heart that ive tried so hard to protect for the past 6 years..that would occassionally be beaten up..is now quite definitly in a mess. I foolishly let it out for the short 24hours...and Im in tears...again... Albeit not as bad as the first one...but these tears threatened to fall so many times today...And Ive almost used up all my strength to prevent that from happening..

I cant tell which is worse...him not telling me and me not knowing at all..or me knowing, realizing that we might have had a chance and realizing that it was all too late...

I feel like a fool...again..

there arent enough words to describe how precious this person is to me...so I know eventually I have to bite the bullet and bring myself back up...but I almost feel that it will require me to stay away from him.... i need to stay away... to recover, I have to stay away...

Just when I found a close friend in him...just when everything seemed right... just when I felt like I could have him around when Im at my lowest... my entire security and comfort comes crashing down again and I'm tired of this game... and Im laying my bricks again...

Im a fool.... a romantic fool..a love struck, wounded and scared for life..fool to the weapons of love.

So this is probably the definite end of a love in my life.... the little silly thoughts that ran in my head and my heart...will probably continue running until the time I finally get over all of this...

I promised him that I will have his back where music is concerned... and I will try to continue to do that... as much as I can...

Im trying not to think of the times I felt happy with him because if I did...I would be beating my heart up again...

So just as how I had tried to convinve myself that it wouldnt work, I have to now convince myself that I will be fine... I will get back up on my own feet...I will let music be the thing I can focus on..I will TRY not to think about it...and I will find another person to have and hold...

This Japanese drama has officially ended...

when december ends

maybe..just maybe by then, I would have a clearer picture of what direction I want to take... this year has been too messy for me...

I lost track of me, lost track of what makes me happy, lost track of who my friends should be, and who I should be focusing on... I lost it..

It really shouldn't be that bad but it is..and maybe by end of december, I would know what needs to be done..and pluck up the courage to put things right...

In that process, Im losing a friend again..in fact..maybe a few friends..

One of them i would cry over... but its almost like how i lost my ex... my innards were shifted around..and the dam of courage that pulled me through, would break and the flood will flow through..and hopefully after all that crying, Id be fine and ready to carry on...

God Bless

...

Here I am thinking that I dont care..or shouldn't care..and then I see a photo and i do... ahaha great!

Ive been asking myself this question for a long time... Why him...

And Ive lost track of why...

All I know is that emotions are steering me towards and not away...

I almost wanna just immerse myself with ideas that he's attached, just so I can finally put to rest these feelings. Coz they hurt...

Im (at this very moment) appalled by the human that I've become. obsessive...jealous... emotional...
To think that such a person would make me feel all this...
Sorta makes me hate myself for being so weak....

I just wanna tell him "go. go away... dnt come back.. lets just not be friends anymore" Coz its really just a lot easier... Yet none of this is his fault...its me...

Every time I get to this stage..I feel the need to cry... like once again Ive lost a brother, a good friend... and it hurts..

Time will come when I have to do that...

God Bless

Really need to not care

Scorpio and Friendship:

Relationships with Scorpio are always complicated, just like the person, their relationships are a series of extremes, they can even be downright moody for no apparent reason. Scorpios are known for their possessiveness and jealousy but on the other hand, they are extremely loyal. Scorpios have an excellent memory and combined with an inability to let things go, they can hold a grudge against someone who did them harm forever, in fact a Scorpio rarely if never forgives and forgets. They will even go as far as get vengeance on the person. On the other hand, they will always remember a kind gesture forever and repay it. Any kind selfless gesture done to a Scorpio will gain trust and respect which is extremely important to them in any relationship, either romantic or not. The best advice is to be honest with a Scorpio friend and in return, you will gain an amazing friend you will never forget and who will be loyal to you and never make false promises. Their truthful and shocking sense of humor if different than that of any other zodiac sign and the Scorpio makes an amazing, powerful interesting friend that can be trusted.
excerpt from http://zodiac-signs-astrology.com/zodiac-signs/scorpio.htm

I guess the scorpio in me is really hard to deal with..and maybe that in itself has made me very awkward in front of those I like.

I really need to not care anymore. Not care about what and who interests him.Because afterall, he is just a brother right.
I obviously have no say at all.

I guess, with the times that I've told him to go find someone, that I should be happy that he does take a liking to someone. I should be happy. I should be overjoyed...

Need to find myself again..need to focus on what makes me happy again... Even if it means giving up on someone whom I treasure alot.

God Bless

need to watch my own emotions

been in a cast recently... fell whilst rollerblading and landed n my wrist. suspected fracture from the xray.

because of this silly thing...It got me thinking the same silly thing.

since the night that I fell, the 2 people closest to me whom id hoped would ask how im doing, didnt ask abt me at all... one of them affected me more than the other...

of course in the process of this, it made me question just how close they are to me..or how much i depend on them emotionally... obviously in this case, i depend on 1 more than the other.. and this difference shudnt be present if i regarded them both as brothers...

So its a double frustration knowing that whilst im abit annoyed by how the later's lack of response affects me more... that i shudnt have that difference and yet I cant control it... I cant control these feelings.... and it frustrates me sooo much to be annoyed at this person and yet not have a valid reason to be except fr my own silly emotions...

I dont want to love a person who doesnt know how to love... who speaks to me only on occassions where he needs help.. then there is no love involved... sigh

so as usual i go back to being cold for a week..to heal myself... because im just a silly thing altogether...

Just be satisfied with what i have now

I apologized...its as if all I needed was to apologize and admit that those demons that plagued me. were real... It was mostly the fear that Id lose you and everything I valued between us...

At numerous points in time, we were close enough for me to feel happy and blessed to have you..but when I realized just how shortlived they were and how quickly they could potentially mean lesser to you, I stepped back, I withdrew my hand and I kept to my corner and cried abit.

But after finally chatting and apologizing and admitting, its as if a huge boulder was lifted off my shoulders and the next we met, everything was almost back to normal.

I dont think u'd ever read this because I dont think you'd ever bother but if you ever do, and if you do come across this post, (and realize that its addressed to you) Then know that if I ever withdrew my hands, its not because I suddenly didnt care. Its because I cared too much and I thought too much...

One day I will lose you...to an amazing girl whom you will adore and love. whilst I know that I will always stay the sister...I dont exactly think that i will ever be ready to do so until that time comes..and I will cry because it will be sad but I will be equally happy for you.

Im trying not to shy away again. not after getting to a point where I can be my silly self around you. And I apologize for my irrational and erratic emotions.

Aside from my casual, grinned "I love you too" you have no idea how much that phrase actually means and I dont blame you. I could never bring myself to say it properly anyway and you could never bring yourself to say it too. afterall, "I care for you" is different from " I love you".

Anyway... Im happy where we are now. I'm happy that there is a childlike bond between us. That at some point, you could put your head on my shoulders and I could do the same... Im happy with that.

Ive lost you again and this time, I dont know if I will ever find you back...

The past few weeks have been quite tough..a few inner demons running around and making me possibly the unhappiest in this entire year...I just wasnt myself..

At this moment, I guess I can say that Im in a state of numbness... almost

Im about to..or maybe I am losing one of my best friends and my emotions make it hard for me to do anything but chase him away...

Im trying not to think of the really good moments (i feel) that I had with him because if I draw a comparison with that and now, I know that I'm losing something really precious and it would start choking me up... The tight hugs, the jostling, the laughs, the hanging out, the random poking, the random "I miss you", the random urge to annoy each other.
No more random asking him out for dinner...because now I dont really know if he wants to...my guilt or my thoughts would plague me and the dinner will turn into a stale affair.

But do I have to give this up? Coz it really does feel like Ive lost a bestest best bro all over again... over and over again...

I dont think this heart of mine could take this continuously... And times that I wished that my heart was cold... and that I didnt miss any of this.... but what can I say..I do love him.

I feel that I need to step away to get myself together but I dont know if we will ever be close friends again...or if we will ever be friends... Maybe yes I am thinking too much... but at this moment I cant change it.... I have to move away so that I can get my heart out of it's labyrinth...

Theres nothing I know that will help this except for turning to God...

God Bless

Do what makes you happy...

Sunday, I was haunted by a growing need to find out what makes me happy... somewhere along the way..I lost myself again. Arent we always doing this...

Since coming back, my happiness has fluctuated too often and too drastically...

After a long chat with a close friend, I'm reminded about how I am the only one who can make myself happy. nobody else can and should do it. 

So here I am again.... thinking about my life and finding my direction again...

i want to spend my time doing things that make me happy and are worth doing.

Not Pokemon Go or Seekers etc 

No roaming around and doing nothing...or lazing at macdonalds etc

God Bless

dreams dont all come true

I dont know what to react when u tell me that you dreamt of me...
Should I be shocked? disgusted? pleasantly surprised? overjoyed?
Should I even believe in this dream that you speak of?
I spent the last 2 weeks, getting myself back to normal and with this single mention of a dream, you managed to rock my resolve...

But I dont know what you want of me... I dont know what you telling me would achieve...

Did this little dream affect our relationship? Should i now be cautious that the tables have turned? Are you telling me this to test out if something like that might become reality?

Of course I don't expect feelings to change from a mere dream... humans are more stubborn than that.
Ive fought this feeling for years. Ive had my fair share of dreams of reconciling w my ex or seeing my grandma come back to life...but none of that happened or would ever happen.
So why this?

It's a phase..just like my feelings are a phase too.

in due time, the nervousness will stop, the slight euphoric sensation when you are right next to me, will stop, I would stop looking at your face and force back a smile...

In due time, even this little dream will be forgotten...

not yet

Its been about 2 weeks..I'm sorta glad that I've made it this far.
But the more I communicate with him now, the more distant I feel..feels like I've lost someone dear...
Feels like I'm slowly closing the door...
A bit of me feels abit sad... I actually stop myself from thinking of the times that we were pretty close, because it gets me caught in a web of confusion.
That and I cant respond to him in the way I do with other brothers...so I feel the need to step back and adapt to not seeing him often...in this case, distance will cure a cracking heart. I hope.
I want to get to the point of seeing him and interpreting his actions as that of a brother...instead of thinking that maybe he might like me back.
I want to get to the point where I'm fine not seeing him or catching up with him often because its how it is with my other brothers...

But I cant do it now... I cant love him as a brother yet...

stepping back

Last week was like a slow withdrawal for me. withdrawing my presence in alot of things like hte band and some of the club activities. Not because I want to, but because i have to.

I realize that with the clubs that I've been the most involved in, there was a lack of discipline and my students were becoming too much like me.

I felt that I was getting more and more upset with them and dissappointed with their not meeting my expectations. So i decided not to input so much anymore... time to hold my tongue.

The guy whom I have loved for the longest time... somehow Ive been able to stem the emotions for now. Its been 2 weeks and that's pretty miraculous. So Im gonna keep at it and see how far I can get away. This guys is hard to love because I dont know if He can love...
And because of that, I cant love him...

Oh well....if I cant find anyone, at least I know I have amazing friends who love me...

Im getting over this..

So for the whole of the past week, I was somehow able to not think about the guy. It's a milestone..
Meeting him recently and realizing that I actually dnt mind not talking or striking up a conversation whilst with him and that Im okay with thinking of my own things whilst with him... it maybe means that once again, Im on the road to recovery..

I've stopped thinking about the things that he did for me and just focused on how despite all this, he still loves himself more than he will ever love me. And if I keep telling myself that, then I will slowly be able to climb out of this ditch.

At least I dont feel the need to call him all the time now. At least I dont feel the need to poke and nudge.

Having spoken to him about his lack of interaction as a friend, it made me realize how Im really tired of being that friend that just keeps asking for company and asking for help...

So now Im left with no one again..not that I ever had one to start with...but...somehow this became a fake relationship I guess..one of those inflatable and deflatable ones that we use for our own convenience. One of those almost "cuddle buddies" on a rainy days...the gap filler...
EVen though maybe for me...the gaps were more and the result of filling those..was that it would be emotionally draining.

I cried to sleep

sounds really weak but last night, I felt the need to. Dont worry Im fine now. Crying is just a way to relief the tension in me.
I cried because for that 15mins that tears ran down, I felt something in my being wrenched out..hope I guess..or love..
It felt abit like when I first lost someone..although I always belief that Ive seen the deepest and this is not as deep. So i can deal with this...
This morning, puffy eyed and all..we still carry on with work.

I feel alot better. I feel like my emotions are more in check and the one whom Id ripped out my hopes for, is cast aside. I dont feel the same longing as before. I cant say the same if he was in front of me today but to live this day without the need to speak to him, is a day won for me. And if I cant keep going this way for the next few days, then slowly I will learn not to emotionally depend on him. I would have myself back.

Ning was always alot stronger than all this. Even if once in awhile, she does like to step into ditches..

God Bless

Fly me to the moon

U asked me if anyone had ever "flown you to the moon"... The honest answer is yes.

And that particular "trip" was a dream come true... of course it wasn't a real trip..but it meant the world to me..and maybe it still does.

It was our anniversary and he bought a hippo tour trip. Anyone may think that that is a silly anniversary present. But he did that because he knew that I wanted to go on a cruise and had never been on one. And because neither of us had money...all he could do was get a hippo tour ticket and promise me that one day, he would bring me on the real deal.

I was touched...and I loved that ride because I could be with the person I loved to death, on a boat...
This has got nothing to do with Titanic..

So today when u asked...I dont know why you would.. I dont know why you would ask if him and I ever fought... we didn't...

Do I miss my ex? Do I miss the hugs, kisses and affection? I do miss those things..but I miss the connection. I dont know if I miss the person himself but I miss every bit of that connection... whoever it is...

much as I really wish it would be you, I have to take a deep breathe and calm my heart down and remind myself why it can't be you.

And the time not spent with you, is time Im motivated to write my songs and practise my instruments. That not having you, motivates me to have more of myself...

I hate you, I love you, I hate that I want you, You want her, you need her, and I could never be her...

This song resonates with me. In my current situation. Only that the "her" is an unknown person right now.

This little conundrum and emotional storm within me...has grown into a tornado in the last few months and I may at points, be close to tears.

Which I guess would be a good thing..because this forces me, emotionally, to get back on my feet. Of course, that also means that I am slowly building this wall again. This little fortress of mine.

Slowly getting my heart straight again...

Coz I am quite tired of letting this heart of mine sit the rollercoaster anymore...

I am tired... I really am...Im tired of uncontrollably thinking abt him first thing in the morning...

It seems like the only way I got myself fully out of this conundrum, was to leave SG. Yet now that I am back..its come back in full force...

I need to stop thinking of this person, I need to stop letting his words play in my mind...I need to stop......

I need to block him out of my heart.... Almost feels like a breakup haha


I need to go back to God for that emotional stability..... I'm sorry Lord. I have forsaken you for a mortal man...

Be still this heart

I didnt need to know that he would be in the vicinity today...but I guess I do..
And my heart and head are in a scramble...

In the past few weeks, somehow our friendship has grown and if I see things from an objective perspective, Im pretty sure that he only sees me as a sister. He acts exactly like how i would to my student or brother...

The plan was to practise my keyboard today...

I guess the plan is to go with the flow and try to forget of his presence till he actually msges. Because its of course weird that Im the one who has to ask for a meet up. I just seems like he doesnt need me enough to ask for meet up. And if thats so, then he doesnt love me enough. he loves me only a sister,

With that, Im just gonna try to get over it..

God Bless

loving to death..

Having recently caught up with the guy that I actually do like, I now realized just how different it was hanging out with someone I love vs someone who was approaching this in the wrong way.... I guess the "nervousn and excited" syndrome only happens for people who impress me with character and humour.

This time, I left our meet up thinking " to death dude. loving you to death"
That said, this guy sees me as nothing but a sister... I guess... I can live with that. As long as I know that this guy doesn't just see me as an acquaintance, then I'm fine. I think.
After all, this person is really too dear to my heart for me to lose and I have lost a bestest best brother before and it pulled me down like quick sand. I gotta say that at times, it does feel like the time when I lost my bestest best brother.... only that now..I sorta know when I need to pull myself back from the edge...

Of course, I will be happy for him or them, when they finally find someone :) Because why shouldnt I? I'm sure I would have to learn to get used to not having the same amount of hangout time etc but the important thing is that they are happy.

As I told someone recently, I dont know if Im asking too much but all I want, is for the guy to be my best friend... the same person that I can speak anything to without thinking that he'll judge... that I can truly just be myself... Whom I wont feel like I'm taking precious time from.

Gonna leave this problem to God...

Ning

harder than I thought

After meeting up with a new friend recently...i learnt something about myself..

1) no matter how some may see intimacy as a common thing to share with others, I stand by the belief that it is only best shared with the one I love who loves me... only then would it be the sweetest. I dont see the pleasure in casual encounters... No amount of touch or deep stares or whispered words into my ears... would be able to make me forget the kind of feeling that I really want...

2) That the only way to my heart, was through honesty and humour.

No other way...

During that meet up, facing this new person, I couldnt help but think of my ex and the guy that I like... That the kind of satisfaction that I got from loving and being loved but either of these 2 guys, was way past anything that this new person would ever be able to give..through whichever method he tried...

The initial idea of turning away from these 2 amazing people that I love and finding another person for me... turned into a horrorendous episode that made me think of them even more. because I know/knew that at any point of time that I had them in my life. Whether they love me or not, that it was way more meaningful than this ridiculous episode that I got myself into.

Before I scare anyone, I am safe. Nothing bad happened. Only stuff that made me uncomfortable. very uncomfortable....

For the first time i realized just how strong i felt or still feel abt the relationship that I have for either of these 2 people that..kept me from straying into something I know Id regret...

I know am left to wonder..if it is never meant to be for me and either of these 2, then who would it be? The 3rd person who is actually able to penetrate into this tough fortress of mine... with his character, dreams, beliefs, humour... and whether Id ever get to find another person aside from the 2 that I found and lost...

Honestly, at the end of the meetup, the first 2 people that I wanted to contact, were either of the 2 guys that I love. But somehow I feel that either of them would probably berate me for being stupid enough to get myself into that predicament... Yet a small evil bit of me wonders if telling them would make them feel concerned for me... stand up for me, be angry at the guy for me, basically..feel for me... How foolish can I be at such an adult age...

But I've made my peace with this issue...it's taught me about myself... and about what was in my heart...
I made have retreated for now...but I guess, the only way to move forward, is to do so with greater caution and a keener eye...
Most importantly, I will try to out my trust in God... not myself anymore..

Cold turkey again

For the hundredth time...

After last night's conversation, I guess I'm almost compelled to do one thing...move away...

I've seen what I had to see... It wasn't what I was hoping for..but I guess if that's what it is, then that's what it is.

I just have to cold turkey again...which should be easier now with this resolve...

Afterall, this is a person who was never the one to ask me out for something...it has always been me. So as long as I stop asking, it would make things easier. All I need is to strengthen my resolve to stop speaking to the person. unless needed..

I guess that really is the way..

Sorry in advance...sorry that I bailed...

God Bless

Master saboteur

Yap thats me... in the past 10years, Ive sabotaged my entire love life till there isnt much to speak about but tears :)
I say this with a smile but truly, my eyes are getting abit hot.

And whilst I constantly tell people that crying isnt the bit that shows that you're weak, I still feel embarrassed to even feel the urge to cry..

Last night I met one of my (in my own opinon) best friends for supper.

I guess because we are (in my opinion) close enough to be such friends, it would have been natural for him to question me on whom I was referring to on FB. we spent 1-2hours talking about this person whom i admire and respect and love...how things might not be possible and the extent of which this person is actually in my heart... how hanging out with other new guy friends doesnt make it any better..instead it makes me want to just hangout with him... And how this guys is so into his dreams that he wont be able to see me..and I am but a friend along the way... And maybe I dont mean anything to him...
And how if all goes sour, I will move away to clear my system of him and find myself again..

All this I said with a straight face... all this i said so clearly and calmly that I almost lied to myself that I could do this. I realized how untrue it is this morning..waking up and realizing just what that conversation means...

I should be fine now..I should be so immuned to this entire episode...but no... Im not.

The best part of all this nonsense...is that the person I was telling all this to...(standby for applause) was the same person that I was talking about. (the oscar goes to....)

I gotta say that with allt he times that Ive said "  what nonsense!" to my kids, this is the time I need to say to myself...

Good Job Ning! I clap for you!!!

God Bless

you will never know..

And you will never know how much you mean to me... coz I choose not to say it.
And some might call me weak and foolish...but I choose to think that Im adverting the destruction of a friendship/siblinghood that would have crumbled under the pressure...

For swallowing that insecurity and overwhelming need to have you around, I might consider myself the strong one..or maybe I might really be scared of hearing the answer if I did say anything...

I don't know when Id be able to get out of this whirlpool but I know with you around, It will be harder...but I can't have it any other way..

losing a friend

Last night I had a rare serious conversation with someone whom I hold very very close to my heart..by the end of it... I almost wonder where our friendship has been all this while...almost making me wonder if we had a friendship to start with... or are we just a band...

My heart sank abit when the conversation first started...

Now when I evaluate every meetup that we had since I first knew him, I realize just how non-friends we were... I guess I might have been the only one who wanted to be friends... And when i say friends, I guess it might have meant convenient friends then (If i judge things from his perspective)

I appreciate where we are now... and hearing from this friend that I can come to him to talk abt anything or ask for help at any time... but after the first part of this conversation, I almost feel that its inappropriate to talk to him anymore...because even I cant guarantee that I will be a good friend to him... I am after all a very terrible person...

Im sorry...very sorry...

I see how I am losing a friend now...

Last night I dreamt that I was in the arms of this same person... a kind of bliss I never dared to admit or dream of having. Felt good to just be in the embrace of someone whom I feel safe with. But upon waking up, I know just how impossible and unreal this dream is...

It only just reminds me about how maybe its time I stopped believing that I could have a best friend who would eventually be the one. Maybe I really need to find someone entirely new to be the One.

Bounce back

yesterday i hit a low.. needed to curl up into a ball and stuff myself in an armchair...deep down what I really wanted was to be in the arms of someone I loved and maybe cry abit. But I dont have the luxury of any of those things.. soo I went home and teared as I repeated Bintang Di Surga on my mp3 player.

Today I woke up and my heart was void of emotions. My mind was blank and I honestly felt like last night's low was only a figment of my imagination..like I was high on some emo drug...

This morning, I woke up and my mind was very clear on where my stand should be. That things of the heart arent as complicated as I felt. It's all really simple... The one I love can never be mine... he can only be my brother. And as my brother, he is doing a fantastic job. 

No matter which role I put him, I still love him the same :) Just that i will manage my expectations better... :) 

I gotta at least be thankful that I have people whom I can call and hangout with or get advice from at a whim. 

So either way, I gotta thank God for my friends, my buddies... 

God Bless

You

You probably would never know and that would be fine with me..Not that what I feel isnt enough to start something...

But I've learnt in the years, that my love isn't sufficient for anything..it cant move a mountain, it cant make rainbows and it cant make you love me.

I guess I lie to myself and you and everyone else that you are a brother, a good friend...but in truth, you would be a..love. I'd put you as a confidante but you wouldnt fit in that shelf...you'd take up the whole shelf... I dont tell you who I am because if I start, i cant stop... And the fear is that I wont be the same for you or I cant be the same for you...

It's simple really...I thought that with everything we've been through and I know that you only see me as a friend..a fellow mate...because that's really what we mostly meet for or talk about...

When really all I need..maybe as a sign...is a call or msg to say that you do want to meet me..for no bloody reason at all... Even if that sounds silly... For no bloody reason at all. Even if it was for an hour or 30mins...for no good reason... but we're all too scared of falling arent we...

I wont say anything because...it's safer that way... because I know that I can be strong..that I wont trip when I face you..I wont disappoint..because there's nothing to disappoint when one doesnt have expectations. Or that if I do disappoint, that I could slip into the shadows and maybe drop whatever it is we have..and call all this..a dream...

after all, it took me 1 second to love you..and years to let go...and maybe it will take many more years... but if you fly off or I fly off, then years would shorten to months and days...

At least that's what I think... but this could all be a dilusion hahaha

Sorta had to voice it out...

I dont know why but (evidently) I have been on an emotional rollercoaster these few days...

Starting from when my club gave me the most dissappointing briefing.... till getting a msg from my brother and how he was annoyed at me being unappreciative to him taking time to help w the band. Some of it my fault, others partially...

But both instances broke me...

I was very affected by it and I cried...
And it was almost scary..that I would be so affected.....

Both times I fought back tears..

And the little meaningless issues I had in the middle..that also made me cry...

I dont know why but I really was sooo powerless against this drastic dip of emotions...

What is happening to me???

To anyone else that I might end up pissing off...Im sorry in advance.. I really am..

God Bless

From the broken hearted... the cleansing

I lost you once, now I'll lose you again.
This time it's my own decision...
This time, I call the shots..

This time, nobody but me, will decide whether all this love was worth my time.

It doesn't matter anymore if you were the one who made me smile and laugh..
It doesn't matter anymore if you were the one I would think of when I was at my lowest..
The point is, I know you won't be there for me if I didn't call...and this time I won't call...


I dont want to be this weakling who runs to someone all the time...
I want to be someone who is strong when it counts, especially when others run to me...
And this time, it counts.

Maybe my face is still wet and my eyes still sting...maybe but tears still stain the bedsheets... But I know that a second more of not calling you...is a second more that will make me stronger.
And one of these days, this will be in one of my songs..one of my anthems...

The truth is, it is too hard to love you..and it is too easy for me to fall in love..and the both dont mix.
I will never know what you are thinking without me first expressing how I feel..and for me to do that, would be pulling down all the pieces of this wall I have built. At this moment, I almost feel like it's not worth me pulling them down... And if there is any bravery in being honest, I am scared.

So Im saying goodbye again... we will still meet...but this little gap in the wall that I had thought was a good idea, needs to close up again....

Somethings we just need to keep calm and carry on...even if its after the tears.

God Bless

Miss you

I'm always missing someone and its annoying hahaha

Bloody distracting actually..hahaha but yet the time I spend with this person makes me happy.

It's a pity that we don't meet every day but that would make me a stalker wouldnt it. :/

Im reminded by how absolutely possessive I could get and if I was on the receiving end of my madness, I would probably not like myself at all. Hahahhaa

I had a dream yesterday that for a moment, my ex and I got back together. I dont think its got to do with me loving him again..its more that inside, I was missing the kind of closeness that we had and the love I felt from him and the love I gave to him. Both completing the chain.
Till now, I dont know if whatever I did, how I acted, made me a good or bad partner but I guess I will never know hahahaha.

All i know is that (whilst recovering from that dream) being loved and being able to love in return are both important in this love connection. Just like how important it is for us to even know if we did like each other, it is as important to give each other and equal avenue to love and care for each other. Instead of there having to be a stronger side that will weather any disaster/turmoil that comes along the way. There is no President or Vice President in this..there is only partners-in-crime

Oh well...such is life isnt it?

God Bless

New students, new blood, new leaders, renewed satisfaction

Seeing my students at their respective booths, garnering new members, performing well onstage and working together....I feel that warm fuzzy feeling inside..abit of joy, bit of pride, bit of hope and bit of satisfaction when I see them come together...

When I see them learn something... when I see their hardwork pay off..

Im super thankful for these monkeys aka students aka children of mine who...make me love them. of course, I love them too much...

Im thankful of the people I have met in my life. Especially the ones who stayed and mean more to me than acquaintances. Those who know me and accept me for who I am despite me being an irritating bitch...

In turn they annoy me and I can only deal with them the best way I know how, with a smirk. Cause I can't stay annoyed with them and I love them so much hat it becomes endearing.

Oh Well...

God Bless

things will only get better

the last weekend was pretty cool. Had 2 gigs with the band ad whilst we weren't at our top form sorta because I wasn't at my top form, it didn't go very well. BUT thankfully, we have people out there who liked our music. 

since being in this band, I guess I gotta admit that Ive felt the greater need to learn an instrument. Maybe I shouldn't think this way..but seeing as how everyone is trying so hard to practice their instruments, I do feel that Ive got the easier way out at times.. :/

The band truly is more talented than I am hahah especially Wandi, who is the guitarist.

That guy is a lot of things in one and its hard not to respect someone like that hahaha despite him being annoying hahaha But I am thankful for having such a talented big brother.

I guess the downside is that, I almost feel like i could never be enough help to him or the b and members because I just have not learnt how to listen like a musician. To me..it has always been more about the pitch...

Add that on to the numerous other things I think about..mostly things that I feel Im not adequate on...

I guess what Im driving at, is that I am bloody lucky to be in this band. Theres so many talented singers out there...singers who can sing and dance and do bit of audio engineering...and all I can do..is sing..and harmonise.

Of course while I do feel bad about all this and even maybe feel that Im just too untalented for this band..I know that if I give up on this, theres no turning back... and there might not even be another chance to be in another band.

Theres only 1 way out of this...learn...dont give up..and learn.

When it almost seems that nothing Im doing is good enough, I just need to get over the initial self criticism and learn. If only it took a shorter time to learn....

If only I had the time to really sit down and learn...I could earn from Wandi..but Ive learnt that Im more afraid of feeling useless in front of him than not learning. :/ Little Sister Inferiority Complex. SO no I can't learn from him...I gotta learn from others...

So while it will be slow and I while I dont know how I can go about learning these things, I guess I will keep trying..and because of that, things will only get better.

God Bless

Im just different

So just yesterday, one of my realky close friends suddenly said that I was very laid back....in terms of appearance and attire.

Then proceeded to ask me if I was worried about that...

Basically I know he's thinking about my possibly of finding someone in the future. And that my appearance would hinder me finding someone...

I get what he meant..but I guess I felt abit dissappointed that he would say that.

Because it felt that it's not enough to be me..and that  would need to dress up in order to attract the other gender.

The other bulk of disappointment is that it is true. we live in a world where first impressions make so much of difference that Im almost worried that thats really how we live by. We as humans should actually be smarter than that.

Personally, much as yes the leaner and fitter versions of the male species is more attractive. yet what I look for in a guy is the humour and character and dreams. And love...

It is almost saddening if the male gender doesnt likewise think the same...
The heart is in the wrong place. :/

Yes dissappointed... in humans in general. We have stooped so low...

As for me, I do feel the loneliness and yes I do wanna find someone. But Im not going to dressup to attract the other gender. I would dress up on my own terms..because I feel like it. Because at times, I do feel like wearing a dress or letting my hair down or putting on eyeliner. bla bla bla

But not to attract the other gender.

when this friend of mine said that if I dress up onstage, I might be able to attract some guys.
My response was, do you think I would go for those?

:/

Maybe I'm the kind of girl who would like to (assuming that Im already at a party) sit in a corner with a book or just people-watch. And maybe out there is a guy who is not into all the pretty ones who are up and dancing or talking to other guys. And maybe..just maybe..this guy would see me in the corner and decide that its worth spending time with this one coz she seems like the kind who wont get too carried away with all the razzle dazzle of the party. Maybe despite her being in the corner, shes actually got a smart head on her shoulders and a wicked sense of humour...Maybe I should talk to her.

And if that's so, then I rather this guy than the others because at least I know that he could possibly be different from the other guys in the room.

I dont know why Ive gotten so emotional about it haha but I guess I am.

As for this friend of mine... he's a nice guy and all but somehow, by this conversation, I have an idea of how he is. And its sorta changed my perception of him. He's still a dear friend. I sorta hope that he will eventually change that mindset. And maybe hopefully he will find the right kind of girl to help him do so.

God Bless

recovering

Its been a few weeks since my little crumble. I was a whole different person then..
I distanced myself away from some of my closest friends. And much as I really wanted to tell them something, I couldnt. I felt that it was too trivia and too embarassing a thing to tell...pride..

All I did was talk myself out of it. constantly drilling myself that there is nothing to be upset about and that emotions are emotions because they arent always reasonable..

So now I'm back in a place where I can face the individual and talk to them like a friend..without thinking about whether the person could ever love me. :/

Such is life.

I'm recovering again. of course its safe to say that I could never go as low as the first break because that tore my heart apart repeatedly. So if I should be able to recover from that, then it's only a matter of time before this too shall pass.

but on a side note, I dont think I would ever not love this man..as much as me not thinking that I would ever not care about the first one. its just that my regard for them isnt as strong as before..or maybe, I regard them in a different way now. Hopefully it stays that way because both these guys are amazing people in their own rights and make for good friends.

Both inspire me to be a better person and to build my talent..despite me actually feeling like crying if I do upset or dissappoint them. I know I've built a wall around my heart..but the inside is still as fragile as before... :/ shrugs

I'm still as weak as before I guess. :/ Life still has to go on..

God Bless

Getting there...

So I'm still recovering from the possible loss of a really good friend. Trying not to let my emotions affect our friendship because when it comes to situations like that, I tend to shy away from everyone esp that friend.

And knowing this friend of mine, he does try to find out how I am...but like me, he will give up after awhile.

And if that's so, I will lose a good friend and brother altogether...

Last I want, is to make things akward between us.

To my friend,

Dude, I gotta say that I do love you. And sometimes, more than I should let myself.

I'm sorry that I'm acting this way towards you and others.

I just need time to get my act together and I hope that out of all this, we would still stay as close friends. Because I do value your friendship very much. You are one of those who are still able to make me laugh whilst annoying me and I know that I need that in my life.

Love,

Ning

easier said than done

So this new start has been a challenge.

Im really honestly trying hard not to wreck a friendship... I really am..but my heart just likes to skip the friendship and go into "love"

I can't afford it and its really really really not possible in this case.

I really wish I could go back to a time where I didn't feel all this nonsense...because it wouldn't ruin my impression for someone whom I already hold very dear...

Of course it will leave me with the same problem..that I might never find someone in this life...

But at least I can face my friend and know that he is a good friend and be able to share moments with him that normal friends can...

What have I done...

I really dont want to lose this friend......

God Bless

New Beginning

I woke up today with a very different mind...
The trouble Ive had in my head for the past few weeks, have suddenly peeled off..like a blanket that I no longer feel the need to use.

After the conversation with an old friend yesterday, I realised just how ridiculous my thoughts and feelings have been...

the one whom I realised that I loved, can never love me back because he just doesn't.

He just doesn't...

And while my head and heart have been playing " Yes he does, no he doesn't"

Somehow, this morning, I woke up knowing very clearly and even feeling that...he doesn't.

In my world of dreams, this man doesn't exist anymore. I didn't wake up thinking about him and Im hoping to stay that way throughout the day...

Yes at times, it does feel like I had just broken up with someone hahahahaha but thats when I am at my weakest.

From this moment on, I really do need to give less Fucks about this person because I know that while we are still friends, he will NEVER be there to save me.

God Bless

Nothing like the beach

So recently I went with the kids to ECP. Whilst it was very fun for all of us, I still felt the need to be alone once in awhile. To face the beach...hear the waves..just be able to think...
Something about those waves makes it such much calming for me to think...
I wasn't upset..I wasn't pissed or angry, I just needed to have my own space to..emo..I guess?
All this confused feelings and mind vs heart thing that has been happening recently needed to be cleared.
I guess after that session at the beach, I knew what I had to do...
Much as I love the company of this person and much as this person really does make me laugh..and occasionally, he does show concern, I know that I can't let him in anymore than i have. Not until I've gotten over him... Maybe just like Pravin, I will still love him forever...but thats about it...
It took me such a long time to even call him a brother and to do anything more now, might be to lose him as a friend, and a brother..and I dont want to risk that...
This man/boy I respect too much and love too much to lose..

God Bless

finally did it...

Feel apologetic for my friends who have to deal with my moods. I am afterall, not as strong as I like to be. Its all an act...and I think too much..apparently.
At this moment, one of my really good friends (whom Ive unfortunately got feelings for) has been finally labelled as a brother...again.
Feelings work in strange ways, we start off being friends and "siblings", then some things done just start turning the table around. Before I know it, feelings changed and I'm left holding my own heart, keeping it steady.
I lost the carefreeness in this friendship...
So last night, after much thinking, I knew what I had to do..may seem abit self-deceiving..but saying it out has helped. Finally calling someone a brother again...
This is like putting the lid on a pot of feelings and never looking in to see if there is anything left or what kind they are.
Im sorry for my friends who got affected by my own infection...

God Bless

back to building walls and drawing lines

Wanted to write a song but gotta let that feeling sit and for me to find the right words, before writing something.

Anyway, as usual, gonna just ramble...to a john doe

I was very foolish..Im sorry...

Im just unable to draw the line...

I dont like depending on people emotionally, especially those whom I have feelings for.

So bear with me..I need to move away..I need to build my wall again...

If I dont, I will lose control of myself and I see myself slipping. I find myself thinking of you, hoping that you would "find" me. That when I move away, you'd follow. 

But if thats all I think about, then I have been selfish...too selfish.

If i do build this wall...I will lose the close friendship that I felt that we had before this...but at least my heart won't keep running away... at least I won't second guess your words.

Missing you babe

We had an amazing long chat. 

Think its the best chat we've had so far. That would have been the best 2hrs of our friendship

And that's really all there was to it but it made my day. it made my night... you have no idea how much I needed that connection..

It's like our friendship had a breakthrough and I'm hoping for the next time that we meet...

Moving out of only being able to speak to you frankly via messages, and into a proper face to face conversation. 

We talked, we laughed, we spoke about things that I normally dont discuss about but somehow you brought that out of me...you made me reach into that little room of the unspoken. 

And the best part of it...is that you asked. 

I told you that I dont intentionally withhold info from you...if u ask, I will say... and that was all I needed.

You told me about things that I never knew about you..and now I see you in a renewed light...a greater light of respect and connection...

For the close to 10years of friendship that we had. A friendship that I'm always amazed at (because of how irregular we spoke, we could have drifted into being acquaintances) The past few months might have been the only time that made me feel like our friendship truly is one. That now I feel like I could trust you with my feelings... maybe...

I didnt need alot, but to have someone who was willing to hear me out and make me laugh. And yes you irritated the hell out of me..but that's exactly what made me laugh...

So now, I miss you...

I miss you because you made me laugh...genuinely laugh. And you understand how laughter is important. Laughter makes anyone half their age...

And part of me is alittle scared that the magic hour has gone and we would never have the same connection... if so, I might step back a little... I'm sorry..I'm weak... i dont want to depend on you..

God Bless

hello 2016!

we started 2016 with my indian homegirls. one of the best ways to start the year :D
Wine, cheese, talks, jokes etc :))

Of course at this point, I want to list down the numerous things that I can be thankful for in 2015.

1) Having my family and friends still supporting me. Having a sister whom Ive only grown to love more and more each year even if we dnt say such mushy stuff to each other
2) Climbing a mountain
3) cycling
4) hosting events and having my first proper dance performance
5) visiting Japan. And to add to that, travelling with sister and brother inlaw, AND navigating my way to Japan alone
6) finding back old friends like Julian, Raphael, John Lum,
7) Strengthening friendships with old friends like Edwin and Wandi
8) Being part of a band and performing at gigs with the funniest bunch of people like Z, Zali and Wandi. Without them, I wouldn't be laughing as much. If I ever have a malay side, its with them :) And what can I say, they are family :)

I never thought this year would turn out this way... maybe that list would seem little compared to how many days there are in the year but the effect of each of these and how long it took to happen...is longer.

Despite the other down parts that happened, this year was a good year for me. And next year I'll strive to be better and take that additional step to reach my dreams

God Bless