Celebrate the new year with cramps...Grrr

Yeah woman's woe....

Anyway Im bad at new year resolutions, bad at parting words, bad at evaluting the year. All I know is that I feel like I hadnt had a very fulfilling year and I hope to fight my urge to repeat that next year.

things are gonna change drastically next year...and the more I feel like Im fine with it, the more I wonder if Im being complacent at my capabilitites to handle living and studying in a foreign land..hmmm

Life is as such I guess...

Next year the only resolution is to make sure that I keep God in my life. To lose Him would be to lose the compass...

God Bless

Christmas Day came and went

Honestly, I wasnt in the Christmassy mood this year..as it has been for a few years..that said, I do value the family gatherings :P Just dont see joy in buying presents anymore..why ah?

Is it coz I have so many friends and family that buying for all would be like buying the entire Robinsons? And whats this about buying for 1 person and feeling bad that I didnt buy for the others?  Aferall, that its the point...Christmas is most firstly about Christ being born human for us. Then comes all the thanksgiving etc because we give thanks to those around us who have loved us and whom we love. not cause we have to..but cause we want to and we can.

That said..maybe Christmas in Spore is so commercialized that theres a very little hint of the real christmas in it..hence not really worth celebrating? Hmmm

Anyway Merry Christmas! It's a time to reflect on how much you've grown in the year and all the little or big blessings that God has bestowed to you. Congrats on the little hiccups, humps, challenges and trials that you overcame this year, despite it looking like Mt Everest when you first laid your eyes on it...Congrats on your progress if you're one of those who is chasing your dream. It may have felt little but if you look back.it sure has been a looonngg way.

Personally..Im making it a time to give thanks to God. For bringing me through to where I am and where Im gonna be. Im gonna thank him in advance for the blessings and favour He has given to me so that my studies in Sydney will be fruitful and eventful (in the right ways) Im just gonna do what Paul, Joseph, Abraham, Moses, Jesus and all the other disciples did...go my way and trust in Him to guide me.

God Bless

realization....

Got my black buff :D...
Was looking at getting a rice ooker for sydney coz its darn expensive there. :/
Then walked around the suntec fair yesterday, came across a mattress sale section...NOOO Im not gonna buy a mattress to Sydney! Was planning to get it for Mum.
Bought a DVD player for parents...

Nothing for sister yet but havnt been in the Christmas mood recently. Im not being Emo...just dont feel teh mood.

BTW just coz I aint got the christmassy mood doesnt mean Im less of a christian. Nope. In fact Christmas is often celebrated for the wrong reasons..or rather celebrated with only half the reason.

Anyway..been planning my time recently...looks like my days are numbered...got almost everyone I want to meet in those days but..for those Im meeting in dec..it just doesnt seem good that they have to meet me 1 month in advance and not see me in Jan...

Walked around the whole day today and because all this is running in my mind...I sorta felt that my day was not as worthwhile....why ah?

Just yesterday, had a ball of a time w 2 of my indian besties. We talked abt our happenings and about the upcoming events et..went to one fo their new homes, did a tour of the house, screamed in her walk in wardrobe (for fun) and sat down to wath her wedding vids. :D Yes everybody's life is falling into place. hahaha mine has only started and I dont even know what its gonna end up like. hahahah
Love them to death and so happy for them.

December huh....time flies...its past mid Dec...5 more weeks to go....

God Bless

Wishlist...

sooo been working on a wishlist hahaha. Nope i dont do this every year. In fact its hte 1st time Im doing this and its because of my upcoming trip to Aussie that has compelled the shopperholic in me to come alive! But One cant be a shopaholic without getting some help. :D

Here it is!!
- 1 black buff. Can have patterns but patterns cant be bright and obvious. Should be the Buff brand. :)
- 1 pair of black crocs :) shud be a size 7 or bigger hehehe
- 1 waterproof haversack :D
- i iphone :D :D
- 1 pair of cargo pants that can be zipped down into burms. Ie: bottom half is detachable

That would be it :D And of course if its not possible for anyone to buy the item itself coz its bloody expensive, Sure! I dnt mind Ang Baos! :D

Yeah You got me all figured out.

Hmm yes got a reply from neighbourhood "penpal" Nothing much to say except, "thanks! Im glad you finally got me figured out"

So anyway, nothing much today except me strumming too hard on Band hero and getting a blister on my thumb. And I said to myself, " Good going Ning.."
Amazingly Janice & I hit it off quite well and somehow I see abit of me in her. Hahahah the way we see things maybe? How we think...hmm not good for her. Hahaha Hate to say this but she makes me regret alot fo things that I didnt do in my life hahahaha

Finally told Wendy & YQ about my NIDA offer and YQ's reply went something like, "You got into NIDAaaaNA BEH!" hahahaha damn funny hahahaha His reply was classic hahaha

Sooo...let's hope that my company is okay with me changing my decision...

K gonna skype my brother in peace.

God Bless

OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!!

"To God,

Oh Lord, I don't know where to start to thank you Lord. Shall i start from the part where you gave me the interest to pursue it? Then you put people in my life who made that interest grow and pushed me to pursue it..and now...
Lord, they all say that I am lucky, some say Im smart...Im gonna say Im blessed. Because out of all the admin staff who get chances to further study under SP (which is very little already),  a smaller percentage of them and almost none of them get to study with full sponsorship! And that I would be in that small almost impossible group...is no short of a MIRACLE!!!

My Lord! How can anyone not see how good you are to your children! it isnt just me Lord..I see you doing so many things for your children around me....I see their blessings bless the others who don't know you...

Lord, I believe that you have gone ahead of me to prepare my arrivial in Australia... :)
That no matter how out of water I may feel from the start..that I would assimilate and excel smoothly!

Thank you Lord! "


Ning

The Script, The Fray, One Republic, change of the music genre these days

Got myself hooked on some recent bands and somehow..its giving me the itch to sing again...Man!!!

Pity my bros are not in town...

Ive only got till feb to organize a something to sing at....

And all the acoustic versions for these songs are fabulous! I sooow ished I was there in person to listen to them...And even thinking about it makes my heart expand and Im forced to take a long deep breathe. As if doing so would help me take in more fo htat fabulousness in the music!

My regrets are that I didnt practice my guitar well enough to play a proper song....nor did I learn the keyboard...Yeah some people have all the talent :/ *shrugs*

They've got all the right moves and all the right places, yeah we're going down..

God Bless

I am subtly amused... *flinch* *blink* ..okay

So I received a very queer mail today and upon reading it, I realized that someone in my naighbourhood read my blog hmmm not good but calculated risk.

K well after being slightly reprimanded for blogging about the person previously in a not soo pleasant way..I apologize. No seriously! I do!

To the person:

I did consider writing a long entry but I deleted it..this isnt with regards to an issue of trust; But more like , if I wanted to say more, I would have to write an essay. Alot of it will consist of justifications and might end up making things worse unneccesarily. No need for all that since I would say that there was never anything between us anyway except friendship (at a point of time)

Maybe it would have been good to let you come to the right conclusion on your own although one would wonder how long it would take and if my entry did give you that final conclusion, while it did hurt your feelings, it probably was needed. And hence, yes maybe God did intend to let you find it afterall even I cant find my blog, much less that entry myself. And since it is that hard, not many people bother finding it either so rest assured that any damage done was not alot. All of at most 6 of my readers dont know you personally. Nonetheless, lesson learnt for both of us.

No Im not scared shit-less..(from this letter or previous ocassions and smses) but nonetheless it would have made me reconsider friendship. Which brings to thought the extent of trust that I would have considered while blogging. ie: "issue of trust" level of friend or non-friend. Hence the level of transparency or bluntness in my previous entry.


And lastly..yes I believe in God, not the church itself. In fact while ur past experience with a church gives you commands on how to live...doesnt mean that the church is right and doesnt mean that God or Christianity is wrong. Too many churches out there carry His name wrongly. In fact, God doesnt just consist of the church or a church in specific. :) He's bigger and better than all that. Hope you'll really get to know Him and Jesus Christ some day. Hopefully sooner than later.

Since the internet is so accessible, feel free to read on.

God Bless

Things to do before going to Melbourne...

- friendship band (red orange turquoise purple


- take pictures by groups(grandpa, Fran/Peiyan/amily/deb, Ching/yan, isc, comperes, family, auntie, cal/neetz, spmac, yq/wendy, pravinngang,

- get iPhone

- get clothes

- clear room

- decide what I want to bring over

- write a song

- meet up w ms ng mrs cheong

- decide on when to go over

- Christmas cards

- Christmas n new year gathering

- develop some pics

- stay overnight at grandparents place

- learn to cycle

- learn to cook, learn to pick foood

- get TB hard drive

- cut hair

- give away stuff

Bestest Best Bro

So my long lost bestest best bro came back to visit. Well things have been rough between us before we graduated and Im happy to say that Im sooo glad I can talk to him again. It isnt like before when we could chat till no end and come up w silly ideas together...but its a start and I somehow have no doubt that I could start from where we left off as friends.

As bestest best bros go, I couldnt not agree if he requested me to do anything cause he's my dearest bestest best bro..and its been such a long while since I saw him and caught up with him. I truly believe that things are alot better between us and we've put the past behind us. And yes I do love him as a brother. :)

In fact, because he specifically requested, I decided to join them for their indian clubbing hahaha Yeah it was an interesting experience but Im glad for the company :) And truth be told, while I cant dance, I do love the beats :)
By now, my bestest best bro would be in Malaysia and onroute to UK.

I'll  miss him coz I know its gonna be quite long before I see him again. And even when I come back, Im not sure if he'll be in singapore. :)

Of all this...Im soo glad that I didnt lose a friend :)

God Bless

It is done!

I got into VCA!!! :) And I got my full scholarship!!! Its amazing and I believe that God gave me favour in everyone's eyes! I just didnt thinkk id get in! I know I'd get into something but it never occured to me that it would be Uni Melbourne! Woohooo!

The most exciting bit abt hte full scholarship, is that I'm getting pay and allowance! OMG!!!!!

WWOOOHHHHOOOOOO

I guess at the samt time, I realize how fast its gonna be before I fly and Im gonna miss my students like hell!!!
Im sooo gonna take loads of pics w people I love! Soo many people I love!!!

All I can say is...Praise The Lord!!!!! Praise Him for giving me favour and  blessings! Praise Him for having people around me to lead me into this path! Praise Him for people around me who encouraged me while i was down...PRaise Him!!! I am ssssoooooo blessed! Soooo full of unmerited favour!!!

God Bless!

VCA application is getting hotter

Well..VCA aint the best but its not bad....*shrugs* I leeaaked out abit of info to the rest to give them a little heads up in case I leave. I will miss my "children" but I know I have to go and take care of my own life 1st.

Anyway met up w some of the peeps in the past few days. Bumped into Wandi at orchard too! Poor dude! Setting up the sound system at midnight in orchard..siao man!

Had such a big laugh from bugis to orchard and its seriously been a while since Ive laughed that hard hahaha thanks to YQ and peiyan.

Still thinking abt Melbourne...still thinking about how Id live there...freaks me out abit..but i realize that hte more i know about the place and how to get aaround...the better I feel about going over. Am looking forward to spending more time with my nephew but at the same time...I know that I will be on my own most of the rest of the time...wow...

I know my God is with me and I love Him! :D I see my road ahead!

God Bless

Missing Melbourne

So Im still missing melbourne not coz of the food or shopping in central, but Im still missing my nephew, Foong. :) Its crazy hahaha when I left, I felt like I was leaving an immediate family member. :/
Was at church today and as I sang the worship songs and thought back on the aussie trip, the disappointments, the encouragements from my nephew, etc..I was tearing.
Its weird really... hahaha I honestly figure (from this situation) that if I would go to the US now to visit Chris & Dave, Id cry by the end of the trip. Id miss them so much!!!
All in all, Id say that Foong is my closest nephew. And Chris & Dave my closest cousins. I love them all to bits and I guess thats why Im more emotional. Cant wait to get back to melbourne again :P

Also want to say a HUGE "CONGRATS" to PohYan! Finally married! Dinner is done and we had fun doing it!Happy for her and Ricky :) Despite all lack of sleep, I manged to wing it. Not to my utmost but nonethelss, quite okay :P All us sisters had fun clowning around hehehehe

Anyway..still owe the sleep bank alot of hours. Need to rest my aching wrist and joints...no joke man..

Im thanking God for a wonderful holiday and the growing closeness of the family.

God Bless

last day of melbourne... :/

Last day of melbourne trip. slept at 4am to finish project..was really really nervous because this was the big killer. Woke up at 6.30am. Lugged the stupid model down to Malthouse by 9am. Took cab coz mum and I didnt think we'd be able to fit the model in. *shrugs* Thankfully the auditioner was very nice. He wasnt impressed I cud tell and I didnt have much to tell him...but..well I will believe in Melbourne Uni. Foong has been very positive about it and hopes to see me in melbourne very soon.
This  trip has somehow hit a very strong chord in my heart time and again.Yes Ive been having probs with mum throughout the trip but we ended all on a very mutual ground.I guess through this trip..Ive been trying hard to show her that Im independent..but to her..it could have seemed like I was just being ridiculously reckless..despite my pre-departure research. Pisses me off but im trying not to show it.
But what really brought my heart strings into knots was to see my nephew again.We hit it off really quickly with a big hug and abit of chit chatter about the past.Somehow Im soooo amazed by how close we still are and Im quite touched by it. Its like we're lost siblings. or thats how I feel. I feel like we didnt really lose touch. And I honestly cant remember how I ever got in touch with him again. But when we started talking, it's as if there was so much familiarity that we just carried on with the last conversation.
He's grown up to be a fine young man with a responsible yet fun loving character.Im sooo happy for him that he's turned out this way. :) And I know I havnt beent here for him but I am very proud of him. :)
I only managed to really speak to him on wed night and it was such an honest talk. We spoke about what we liked to do and our recent past. Seems like our choice of music is quite similar and i cant believe that he watches anime and still loves basketball.
In fact, Ive forgotten alot of things about him.
I rememebr he gave me an alaskan husky soft toy and he gave me a doggie coin bank for me to save up for my next aussie trip. I didnt fulfillt hat and it took me 15 yrs to get back to melbourne.
I wish I could spend more time with him, to just get to know him better again. Sadly we're all in the working class. While we were in aussie, he had to work as well...he ouldnt spend time with us unlike when we were kids and he would be able to play after he finished school. I didnt even reply his mail! Im aterrible auntie...I also rememebr how much fun we had hanging out at his place with his best friend Joong, or just watching tv and playing with sheila.
We even ended up giving each other nicknames. Or rather, I gave him a nickname...foongster. Id clean forgotten that nickname.
Its weird cos the more I talk about this, the more I feel like crying. I will miss him alot. He is truly like a brother to me. Maybe he doesnt feel the same and I dont know why I feel so strongly about it but...I do.I really really see him as my younger brother...
And amazingly Foong's father sees me as a 1/10 daughter too. He's cantonese too so somehow we clicked too.

This day has been boring after the  audition coz foong and the other cousins are now in goldcoast. Mum & I are lazing around the hotel area coz we didnt want to spend anymore transport money and we had little time left to travel. Nobody is sending us off so we  were quite bored. Something is missing without family sending us off. :/
OMG, I miss Melbourne already and I miss Foongster!
Yes it stupidly sounds weird and dont get your twisted minds working because Im not the incest sort.
Some relatives just click very well and he is one of those I know I will keep holding on to.
He's doing up a family tree and I'll try my best to include my side of the family as well...long long family tree.

Im probably gonna wait till I get hgome before sending him a msg on facebook to thank him and let him know how much he means to me too.

I also got to meet Joong..or aka joongster.Who doesnt recognise me anymore but whom I rememebr was quite a rascal when he was young haha. But now he is foong's best friend and after listening to foong's dad about him, Im glad foong has joong in his life. :) And im sure they will be best brothers for life. :) Even when they bid us goodbye, they said it at the same time! And I see much of Ian & stephen's bond in them.

i must say that im happy about coming to melbourne. It was really worthwhile. I really enjoyed walking around, reading maps, talking to locals and figuring my way out of the maze of roads, taking pictures of interesting stuff... :)

PG is sometimes not advised..especially when ur over 18...

Suffering from heartbreak now...As if my auditin wasnt enough to give me a headache, I had my mum nagging at me since the 2 weeks before.
I didnt need nagging...I didnt need advice that I already knew..as if I was only a 5 yr old child. I needed support..moral support..encouragement that I could do well...That I didnt get. What i got was " U better go and settle yoursstuff ah. Dont wait till the last day!!!" If I were still a kid, Id wait till teh last day befoer I got it working...JUST TO PISS HER OFF...but Im not. In fact all the researching and meeting with wendy I did (that could never be seen by her) was not accounted for...And because it wasnt accounted forr..and she never saw it...she assumed that I didnt do anything...
Sad....
So now we're in Aussie...Yes I got her to pay the plane ticket etc 1st.intending to pay back half. But at the rate things are going...Im planning to pay her back eveyrthing including her share in full. Because of her comment " All I know is that I paid for the......and now....." Iadmit I asked her because I didnt want papa to worrya nd because it would be easier to stay at our relative's house. But I didnt want her to come to be my parent...more to be my encourager...motivator....
But it still hurts to hear your own parent comment in that way that Money could be more important...
And if she means what she said..then it also means that she regret going with me..and if that is so..plau allt eh nagging and "irriated" tone she's given me....I regret it too. There! Ive admitted it!

Im in a way...very dissappointed...

My family is officially "Cui"....Ive never had my mum tell me she loved me since primary school. In fact I distinctly remember her complaining that she had to pay alot of money for my hospital fees long time ago because I was sick with bronchitis. Not that I wanted too and also my fault coz I was too scared to cough out my phlegm...

Yet its sad that I would have to go through this and Its frustrating when the only way I know to deal it is by being defensive and showing her that I am independant...

Very tired even before my interview....looks like this trip has been a challenge in more ways than one....

God Bless

Day 1 in melbourne

I thank God that I have such a good nephew! :) I cant believe that we still have a bond after 15 years! Im sooo touched by it! He brought us around for the whole sunday and I guess its coz we're now adults and not kids anymore. He was soooooo cute last time!

This nephew has gone through alot of stuff! I really feel for him....

We spent some time at Glen Waverly Train Station, The Glen etc. We went to visit my uncle and my cousin who passed away, then had dinner at my auntie's place.

Got a chance to chat with him and we talked about the last time I came down to melbourne.

And I must say that he is a fine young man! A very proper young man with a loving mother and father. His relationship with his parents seemed strong and with his dad, they are like friends. I admire that.
Im praying that this nephew of mine lives a blessed life!

Day2:

Went for VCA audition. Was good! I felt comfortable speaking to them! Im so ready to call melbourne my new home! And being w Foong and seeing melbourne, I felt it a pity to only be here for 1 week :)
Went to a few places like Southgate's foodcourt that has yummy mediterranean sandwiches n wraps!!!
Then walked across the river to flinder st, down st kilda's. Saw shops that sold bubble tea along elizabeth st,. spanish donuts, crumplets from cole supermart, Degrave st that has alot of nice cafes. Not cheap but such a nice spot to hangout. If Ian & stephen were with me, I think we'd be hanging out there alot more!
Then checked out chintown visited our previous hotel, Hotel Welcome, checked out Myers and David Jones
Then we went to see hte state library. So many pple sitting outside the library studying or reading or just enjoying the cooling sun!
Swanston st, spencer st, Lonsdale, Latrobe, Degrave, Elizabeth, Collin st, Bourke st etc
Found this nice coffee stop in the subway under st kildas towards the train station. nice original coffee.

K more tomorrow :)

Thanks God for Uni Melbourne VCA!!!

God Bless

I need to get myself out of the whirlpool of doom

Im almost up to my neck in anger because my mum has been trying to encourage me by nagging me and saying that Im waiting to the last minute to do my audition stuff.

It pisses me off soooo bad because I know Im really trying and I know I have more to do but her 1 sentence annihilates all the hardwork I felt Ive been putting in...leaving me with exactly what she said..."nothing"

Well if thats the case, I might as well dnt go for audition right!

It hurts...I have half my mind to just tell her that i rather go australia alone than have her with me. I have half my mind to really tell her off! Hasnt she learnt that her words are sooo full of poison?!?!
Hasnt she realized that the reason why nobody in the house listens to her is because she has nothing good to say?!?!

How can anyone not feel relieved when they leave the house? Why would anyone want to go back early when the family is soooo dysfunctional!

Both my parents are mad!

I know Im not supposed to feel dissappointed and discouraged now..I know I shudnt  sell myself out for a few useless comments from others...but I still cant believe that my family is actually soooo self destructive!

This sat, I'll be stuck in australia with my mum...for the past few weeks, Ive slowly begun to regret asking my mum along....

Haiz...I need a mother that doesnt just nag..but truly encourages and have faith in me...Someone who doesnt welcome me with "put your socks in the laundry basket" or "wah ur feet"...but also " welcome back" Someone who doesnt grumble abt having to do stuff when she's the one who started doing it without pple telling her.

Sad to say, many families dnt event mention to each other "I love you", "I miss you", " you can do it" "I have faith in you"

Times like these...I know our country is screwed...we are so driven by results and achivements that thats all we can see for our children...

You obviously dont know this but I do like you & miss you. That actually irritates me because I know I cant have these feelings..not for you at least. We are from 2 very different mentalities and backgrounds.
In fact I am almost certain that my feelings are 1-sided.Your openess and opinions have already shown me how impossible it is for anything between us to happen.  
Yet...I do miss you. Miss working with you, miss crapping w u, miss ignoring your silly approaches etc
I admire your sense of humour although it gets irritating at times...yet in the midst of that humour, I sense maturity...I sense a tender heart...I sense a feeling of security while being w u...
While that security gets shattered quickly at times..some other times..it lingers alittle longer.

Evidently Im over my head on this and once again, I know very well that no thing could amount to any thing. And thats why I will only see our relationship as friends.friends that are close and chatty on contact..but almost out of contact when we dont bump into each other.

I can only hope that I would be ale to find someone with the same humour and maturity..minus the reckless flowery words

God Bless

Sister sister sister

K so its one of those times where the emo-ning appears hahaha

Much is happening recently and 1 way or another, I feel the pinch.

Got an audition on 19 oct for a BA in Production in Uni Melbourne. If I get in, I'll fly over to Melbourne to study for 3 years. If I dont, I stay here as per normal. :/
Another one on 12Nov...God's gonna have to help me for both.

Thinking of this further studying business and preparing for it is giving me added stress. I also wonder how my clubs would do without me. Of course they will have someoneelse to be in charge of htem...but I will miss them. That is 1 part of life I cant take back...Also my family and friends..will miss them very much.

One of my dearest bros is now in UK. Just started his studies and Im glad he's got it all settled down. Thank God for skype, msn...technology in general..Yes do miss the times that the bunch o us "siblings" would hangout for supper, for live music etc. :) Yes of all the brothers, the one that had to further study was the most talkative one...now everything is quieter.

Ive come to give thanks to God about me having so many siblings. :) Yap given that some are closer to me than others..but its so different having them as friends than siblings. Because they are siblings, I have an added need to shower them with more care and attention. :) I guess its the result of being the youngest child in a not so functional family. :D I know that in turn, my siblings have helped me in countless things and I love them even more for it. U can equate this role to Jesus's role. He came to redeemt he lives of those who were meant to be Children of God.
Thats also why Im thankful to Jesus, coz he's my big brother.

Anyway this sister issue has been a blessing and curse to me. :) I recall a sister of mine who said that Im sooo much a sister that everybodyelse really just sees me as that. A sister! Hahahah Which is true isnt it. Those nuns who call themselves sisters will alwas have everyone call them sister ______ . always a sister and nothing else, nothing more. :)
No Im not complaining. I love my bros and sisters :) I hold true to my faith in God that somewhere out there is someone who would see me differently :) I will hold on to His promise! :) Dont know when he'll come but nonetheless...

Anyway showed my colleague my song. The same one that won a song competition. He said its a nice song! :) And when I showed it to 2 of my bros, they seemed to like it. :D Its a good feeling. :) Im itching to record it properly. SERIOUSLY! No matter whether I send it out, whether its sung,,I wanna see it come to life..to become a proper song! :)

I guess the reason why I havnt done it earlier was because I didnt know if the song was good and whether I would bear to give it away to grow. Afterall, it is a very personal song... Plus, I dont want to get people who dont want to, to help it. Its a personal project and I dont wanna trouble others..especially if htey dont want to do so.

Got my ears stuck on One Republic...I love their acoustic set. :) Yes One Republic is climbing up the Ning's Top 50 artistee list!

Lastly, for hte record..not like my sis would ever read this blog,

Happy Birthday! I know Ive wished u before (in fact I was the 1st) but heres a short para for you.
Thanks for being the real sister in my life. I don't think id get by well in this family without your sanity and your insanity..all of which at the right time.

Yes you can be irritating and spoilt but I think I have something to do with you being that too. Despite me being younger, I do still end up spoiling you.

Thanks for coming before me. Because Ive learnt many things from watching you and your elder-ness is in a way my security. :)

There are pockets of memories of us that I treasure the most and thinking back on it, these memories dont seem like much on its own..but somehow..the memories hit a deep chord within and I cant not recall them without feeling loved..even if its as simple as you letting me sit in the same room to listen to u play the piano. Weird how the heart works. :)

Im too old to draw pony cards so I hope the Vienetta worked hahaha


God Bless!

Sooooo needed to do this! Best lame vids this week!!!

I cant help but laugh at the following vids and Im sure some of it are beyond other people's humour threshhold hahahah proceed with precaution hahaha

1)  Charlie The Unicorn #3
2) Giraffe in Quicksand
3) Never say no to panda

Back with more vids next time!

God Bless!

Sunday

@Jas: babe if i keep smacking my forehead because of you, u'll know ur special :)

Went to church w mum today :) Pastor's sermon was exceptionally good! Reminds me of when Jesus resurrected and expounded ont eh bible from over to cover, to peter and anoter apostle onte h road to Emaeus. :) It was sooo good that my mum actually wanted tog et a copy! :D Excellent!
Im praying that should I leave Singapore, that my mum would continue to go to church.

Had some time at Parkway with Bryan. :) my youngest cousin. :) Cant believe that he will be heading into the army in november...absolutely gonna miss him!

Was watching tv with grandpa and eveyrtime I look at him, I feel the tenderness towards him. He is my one adn only grandpa but even then, my favourite grandpa. :) I lveo him to bits! And at times, Im worried that even he would pass away. I claim in Jesus name of his long life! I claim that he will know Christ! It is never too late! :/

Saw my nephew and niece. How fast they grow. Ally & Max. :) Cant help but to grab them, give them hugs & kisses. Wonders! Esp Ally...very very very smart! And for Jillian...Im proud of her being such a good mother! It somehow came naturally even though I know it wasnt easy for her. :) Good job Jill! :)

Life is flying by too fast. :/ But Im sooo glad I have all I have. :) Thanks God!

Bless everything I have Lord! Let the blessings you promise for me, overflow towards those that I love and who love me. :)

God bless!

Things to do...

- Reread The History Boys
- Get new POSB account for savings
- Get another account for parents
- Continue to pack room
- activate ibanking accnt
- settle phone bill
- etc

The more I think of these..the more tired I feel....but i has to be done...
Sad to say..its also makng me the age that I am. :/
I know..I am very belated in financial management, life management etc...I have so many younger friends who can deal with their life better than me. Its quite shameful.
Been thinking more about my life and I know I really need to make thigsn work.

Btw..was at he career fair today, sat through a career seminar and hte presenter was very good! very interesting, very fluent and eloquent..but the projector was so low that every time he stood in front of the projection, his words and images were projected on him instead. And they were so low that his words were projected below his torso....yeah u get what i mean... geez. Poor dude. He got everythign padded down except for this hahahha

God Bless

This Saturday is the start

So we sent Ian off at the airport. None of us teared for him although we sorta feel the absence. As we would joke, he is the noisiest.
As we walked back to the carpark, I wondered whether I would be reduced to tears if I would leave Singapore for further studies. Maybe..most probably. That would suck...

Been reading "The History Boys" because thats the book I might have to use for my audition..

Un-nerving...scary...but inevitably...time to move on...

God Bless

Childrens Day, Stephen's Bdae, Day before Ian goes off

Today is truly a very special day. We start with it being children's day, then the day that Stephen was born and also the day before Ian leaves for UK. So much meaning in 1 day.

Speaking of Children's day, whoever said that Children's day was only meant for kids? Take Mother's Day for example, it's meant for every mother out there. Which often includes Grandmothers right. Because Grandmothers are mothers in our mum's eyes.
Yet for Children's day, it seems that only the kids get it. I guess the word "children" in Children's Day is used more as a collective term for young people who are in primary school and below; as opposed to people who are sons and daughters of others. Because in my grandmother's eyes, my mum is still her daughter, IE: her child.
SOOOooo I firmly believe that Children's day is meant for young and old who are still children of others older.

That said, it also means that Grandparents day is just an extra day aside from Father's Day & Mother's Day for the older generation to feel appreciated..afterall, them being hte oldest generation alive, can't really celebrate Children's Day can they.

After all that consideration...I sorta made a decision to enforce the better meaning of Children's Day to my next generation. Should I have 1 of course. :)

Heres another birthday wish to Stephen, my much loved, much blessed brother. A shy but very smart guy who is mostly into his tv shows, games and puzzles but when he talks, he always makes people laugh. I mean it in a good way. :D
He's awfully quiet but inside him is alot of love and wisdom! :)
Happy Birthday bro!!! Many more memories in years to come! Love you loads. Thanks for all the love a brother can give.

Another brother of mine who's leaving Spore tomorrow, incidentally a twin of Stephen and also a much loved and much blessed bro of mine, Ian. I never fail to be amazed at how all 3 of us could haphazardly meet and become friends and siblings.
Ian is the noisiest of us all. Incredibly smart (like stephen), abit too vocal for his good, but tries to get away with it like how Puss In Boots would in Shrek.

He & Stephen are the closest of brothers and I must admit that its enduring to see both of them that united. They're practically psychic lah! They make the best team!
I must say that while I dont get to hang out with them much, nor do I express my worries about them...I am proud of them. Not just of what they've accomplished individually, but just proud of them for the people they are. Their character, their bond with each other...yeah just them. Just proud of them :)

Anyway, Ian's going off tomorrow and maybe its that and stephen's birthday and my pending further studies that causes me to think about my bunch of bros & sistas. (Francine included) that makes me more sentimental? hahahaha Im giving thanks to God for them k. And I know i wanna do this coz I was born with a very foul mouth (minus the vulgarities). I speak too many negativity that I dont even know how to compliment at times. Its bad when we cant even say good things to those you care about to compliment & encourage them.

So there!

Times like these that i know how fortunate I am. No matter how people can blame their origin, their parents, their grandparents etc...one thing they can always do to even teh odds, is to open their eyes to the blessings they have around them in the present times. :)

God Bless!

Panic Attack!!!! AAAARRRGGGHHHH!

Okay okay breathe...breathe in...breaathe out....take long deep breathes slowly.....
It sucks when Im trying to sleep and all of a sudden I get this sudden panic that I forgot something and Im doomed to failure tomorrow...esp at 1am in the morning...aarrggghhhh

I know Im fine..nothing bads gonna happen but my heart is still racing! Talk abt F1 lah!

Anyway while I try to cool down...decided to start blogging again...

yesterday (being sunday) was a lazy day..didnt leave the house..did abt of packinng..did alot more sleeping... Somehow I needed to take a break...to stone. I dont think anyone has ever heard of the need to "stone" but that is a necessity for me and I honestly recommend it to one and all! haha

Stone= to plonk youself on a butt-friendly place that allows you to abide for long lengths of time to simply do nothing but think/contemplate.
What people choose to think abt or contemplate about....is dependant on individual interest...

Just thinking abt teh plans will get me hyperventilating aging so i wont mention it now...all I know is that this is gonna be the start of a long ride.

Thanks to all who have congratulated my flying to australia...its only for a week although everyone already thinks I made it to NIDA or VCA. Im not gonna turn down that congratulations. Im claiming it with a big AMEN!!! WOHOOO!

You may think that the higher hopes I have, the more dissappointment I will feel. True...but I cant let that stop me from going to the auditionn confidently...as they say.."if you think ur gonna lose, you've already lost half the battle" And besides...I know how Stephen's (my brother) bored angel works. If I deny my blessigns now...He'll be happy to help me make those *worst case scenarios* come true.  Neh! Not gonna give the bored angel that satisfaction.

Also managed to catch the last episode of Hana Yuri Dango. The episode where the couple finally finally get married. Not bad! hahah not the wedding.....more like the "adventure" they had before the wedding hahaha
Amazing really hahaha i didnt mean to catch that episode haha just happen to change channels hahaha Admittedly..I always wanted to know how things would end.
And about tv dramas...I am staying out of that hahahaha watch anymore of those and Im gonna drive myself nuts!

Lastly...cant wait for the upcoming weddings :D Might not be able to turn up...but really happy for them!

I guess its time :)

So Im calling for interested parties to be part of a podcast!

I dont know how long this things is gonna last but no harm trying. Its time!

I know I cant use music so its probably just gonna be alot of talking and VOs and small bits of music...

Might not sound very interesting...but like I said..no harm trying..:)

K so recording would most probably be either weekday eve or saturday...depending on who's gonna be in it..and it can be a weekly guest appearance thing too! :)

YES! it will Work!

Btw: quote for today:
You can suck as a colleague, friend and husband..but if you treat your child right and show love to her. She will still see you as her guardian angel and love you as the best person in the world.

God Bless!

Ning's Quotes

As my brother would say: hindsights a B*&^%...took me 3years to learn that sometimes camwhoring could work for you in your portfolio..sigh.

 Pain is feeling your stomach cringe up and your lungs mulfunction when you see your old self.

The lack of self esteem stops you from showing others who you really are.

I always knew I wasnt photogenic..now i can prove it. But please don't force me to.

The 2 easiest ways to make me kill myself, 1) sing out of tune 2) show me a recording of myself

If I had a 3rd hand to smack my forehead with, I'd do it

Ning

low self esteem...

I see so many blessed people around me. Christian or not, they are blessed and some are talented and good looking etc.

The whole of this week has been good. I dont say much through the trip because I utter rubbish mostly but I do see my bros & sistas in such a light. They are truly smart and talented people. All different in their own ways and it amazes me how we ended up being in this big family.

I see my bros in such a strong bond that u could pass them off as fraternal twins! And to see how they support each other and understand each other so well... :)

I guess at certain points of the week, I sorta felt that my differences with them and the other sisters could be so huge that I could simply be a passerby friend. Of course I know this is insecure me talking and thats also why I shut up...coz it proves that i utter too much rubbish. EMO Ning talking..

And yet at the same time..I makes me soooo thankful that I would be counted as a sister in this group of people that takes away my pride and gives me full humility.I dont know how I landed a role in this family but Im sure glad that I have them. :)

I know I shouldnt be so negative but I already see a part of me giving way...mentally...emotionally...physically. Can keep up with them anymore...if I dont already irritate them...I already irritate myself...

My hearing sucks...my muscles n joints ache easily...and admittedly I feel the pinch of not having someone to hold on to at the times when it matters. Sad... I know full well that these siblings of mine will find their better half and Im gonna be happy for them. :)

Basically feeling very emo now.... can start writing emo songs again...

I know that God is the one whom I can depend on 24hrs to be there and for all the bros & sistas I know..they are all provided by God as well...

God bless

Away from home

Being away from home has a way of making me reflect on life quite abit...

LTC trip last month was reaally good and I did learn alot about myself. I learnt how I need to leave my emotions out to better facilitate a group in debriefing. The students I got were (in my emotional opinion) on the egoistic side. While we all did have fun, I sorta felt hte students could have done better in leading...but I know very well that I could have done a better job in debriefing them too...
Got sick too..but thats a small issue lah...
I got to know Jacob alot more and yes he can be abit looney at times and that totally makes him a "normal" guy hahaha
Conclusion: lots to lern to be a proper facilitator and (I presume Jacob would agree) I dont think one would ever stop learning to be a good facilitator.
Did I also mention that I now know that listening to Gospel songs really helps me to calm down and if I ever feel like  cant sleep, that would knock me into lala land fast. Not that I dont like it...just that it clams me down...puts me at peace :)

Anyway..in camp again and this time I have my bros and sister with me. :) In fact..this would be the 1st time Im at camp with all of them... This is a time where I know how fortunate I am to have these siblings. I do love all of them very much.
And I am very much aware of the fact that I have a helluvalot of bros & sis hahahaha All are good in their own way. :D I do feel blessed to have all of them. :)

Speaking of being blessed and being loved...whoever you are reading this, go check out this book (if you havnt already), 5 love languages. it  is a fabulously good book that makes alot of sense and shows you ways to better express your love for those whom matter to you. :) Very good book! recommended to all!

Other than that, life is okay. Am trying to apply for further studies in aussie so lets hope that will work out well. Gotta go around getting referals :/

God thank you for those around me. Yes sometimes it may seem that no matter how many frieds we have, we're still empty and lonely..but you never fail to show me that its not true.  You also never fail to show me how much you love me with the little things even.

God Bless

*Roar*......HOLD UR TONGUE!!!

Nothing pisses me off more than ____________

Wisdom is holding my tongue when my emotions tells me otherwise.
Freedom is being able to control yourself even though external factors and/or your emotions tempt u to act otherwise..

AARRGGGHHHHH

Peace is the ability to to do both and not drown in the internal pit of anger....

Im very very tempted to write an extraordinarily angry msg to everyone but I dont like those either. Nor do I like to be a ranter on facebook or twitter...

Its not easy because Im quite upset and dissappointed...but I know I have to leave this to God's hands......


God Bless

You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed....

I've never purposly directed people to my blog before but I feel compelled to do so because this means alot to me. No Im not being emo okay.

Im sorry if I dont keep in touch enough...I dont mean to. :P

This entry is an excerpt of the book, "The Little Prince" written by Antonio Saint Exupery. It's simple to read...yet so meaningful...My cousin Jillian and my sister's all time fav book.
This book has been a reminder to me..about how life becomes more colourful when we find more meaning in it.

I dedicate this to everyone I know. students, friends, teachers, colleagues, bosses, family, those who have left, those who just came and those who might not be staying for long...
Because of you the gold of the wheatfields mean something to me. :D

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It was then that the fox appeared.
"Good morning," said the fox.


"Good morning," the little prince responded politely, although when he turned around he saw nothing.

"I am right here," the voice said, "under the apple tree."
"Who are you?" asked the little prince, and added, "You are very pretty to look at."



"I am a fox," the fox said.



"Come and play with me," proposed the little prince. "I am so unhappy."


"I cannot play with you," the fox said. "I am not tamed."


"Ah! Please excuse me," said the little prince.


But, after some thought, he added:


"What does that mean--'tame'?"


"You do not live here," said the fox. "What is it that you are looking for?"


"I am looking for men," said the little prince. "What does that mean--'tame'?"


"Men," said the fox. "They have guns, and they hunt. It is very disturbing. They also raise chickens. These are their only interests. Are you looking for chickens?"


"No," said the little prince. "I am looking for friends. What does that mean--'tame'?"




"It is an act too often neglected," said the fox. It means to establish ties."


"'To establish ties'?"


"Just that," said the fox. "To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world . . ."


"I am beginning to understand," said the little prince. "There is a flower . . . I think that she has tamed me . . ."


"It is possible," said the fox. "On the Earth one sees all sorts of things."


"Oh, but this is not on the Earth!" said the little prince.


The fox seemed perplexed, and very curious.


"On another planet?"


"Yes."


"Are there hunters on that planet?"


"No."


"Ah, that is interesting! Are there chickens?"


"No."


"Nothing is perfect," sighed the fox.


But he came back to his idea.


"My life is very monotonous," the fox said. "I hunt chickens; men hunt me. All the chickens are just alike, and all the men are just alike. And, in consequence, I am a little bored. But if you tame me, it will be as if the sun came to shine on my life. I shall know the sound of a step that will be different from all the others. Other steps send me hurrying back underneath the ground. Yours will call me, like music, out of my burrow. And then look: you see the grain-fields down yonder? I do not eat bread. Wheat is of no use to me. The wheat fields have nothing to say to me. And that is sad. But you have hair that is the color of gold. Think how wonderful that will be when you have tamed me! The grain, which is also golden, will bring me back the thought of you. And I shall love to listen to the wind in the wheat . . ."


The fox gazed at the little prince, for a long time.


"Please--tame me!" he said.


"I want to, very much," the little prince replied. "But I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand."


"One only understands the things that one tames," said the fox. "Men have no more time to understand anything. They buy things all ready made at the shops. But there is no shop anywhere where one can buy friendship, and so men have no friends any more. If you want a friend, tame me . . ."


"What must I do, to tame you?" asked the little prince.


"You must be very patient," replied the fox. "First you will sit down at a little distance from me--like that--in the grass. I shall look at you out of the corner of my eye, and you will say nothing. Words are the source of misunderstandings. But you will sit a little closer to me, every day . . ."


The next day the little prince came back.


"It would have been better to come back at the same hour," said the fox. "If, for example, you come at four o'clock in the afternoon, then at three o'clock I shall begin to be happy. I shall feel happier and happier as the hour advances. At four o'clock, I shall already be worrying and jumping about. I shall show you how happy I am! But if you come at just any time, I shall never know at what hour my heart is to be ready to greet you . . . One must observe the proper rites . . ."


"What is a rite?" asked the little prince.


"Those also are actions too often neglected," said the fox. "They are what make one day different from other days, one hour from other hours. There is a rite, for example, among my hunters. Every Thursday they dance with the village girls. So Thursday is a wonderful day for me! I can take a walk as far as the vineyards. But if the hunters danced at just any time, every day would be like every other day, and I should never have any vacation at all."


So the little prince tamed the fox. And when the hour of his departure drew near--


"Ah," said the fox, "I shall cry."


"It is your own fault," said the little prince. "I never wished you any sort of harm; but you wanted me to tame you . . ."



"Yes, that is so," said the fox.



"But now you are going to cry!" said the little prince.



"Yes, that is so," said the fox.


"Then it has done you no good at all!"


"It has done me good," said the fox, "because of the color of the wheat fields." And then he added:


"Go and look again at the roses. You will understand now that yours is unique in all the world. Then come back to say goodbye to me, and I will make you a present of a secret."


The little prince went away, to look again at the roses.


"You are not at all like my rose," he said. "As yet you are nothing. No one has tamed you, and you have tamed no one. You are like my fox when I first knew him. He was only a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But I have made him my friend, and now he is unique in all the world."


And the roses were very much embarassed.


"You are beautiful, but you are empty," he went on. "One could not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you--the rose that belongs to me. But in herself alone she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she that I have watered; because it is she that I have put under the glass globe; because it is she that I have sheltered behind the screen; because it is for her that I have killed the caterpillars (except the two or three that we saved to become butterflies); because it is she that I have listened to, when she grumbled, or boasted, or ever sometimes when she said nothing. Because she is my rose.
And he went back to meet the fox.


"Goodbye," he said.


"Goodbye," said the fox. "And now here is my secret, a very simple secret: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."


"What is essential is invisible to the eye," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.


"It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important."


"It is the time I have wasted for my rose--" said the little prince, so that he would be sure to remember.


"Men have forgotten this truth," said the fox. "But you must not forget it. You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed. You are responsible for your rose . . ."


"I am responsible for my rose," the little prince repeated, so that he would be sure to remember.

*limp*

Satan throws a cheap blow in my direction....my right knee.

Was walking home yesterday when my knee suddenly began to hurt....

Now I have a prob climbing down stairs...

And after the lunchshow that went on just now...I have a bigger pain..cant bend my knee fully...

Hmm this is getting on my nerves...I need my knee to get better...

God Bless

Faith...

Needless to say..there is a disturbance in the force...

Im not gonna let the dissappointment and fear get to me because I want to believe that God will rule over this situation. I dont wanna lose hope.

I know we cried about it in my office before but I don't wanna go to that state anymore.

Im gonna believe in God's wisdom and favour for me when I deal with my students and that God will work in their hearts too to make the club stronger.

I will believe that God's glory will shine in the success of the clubs too.

God Bless

TADA! Healed!

Arm is okay, leg is okay..now just gotta wait for another crazy day!

Its friday and that ups my *happy* scale to MAX!

Been having really weird dreams for the past few days man! Dreamt 1 of my club presidents started smoking...dreamt that our dept was to organize the entire NDP, dreamt Sam used a laser to vandalise the Spore flag...geez.. Sorry sam. :P

For those who dnt know. I did eventually get myself an itouch. :D

God BLess

Pain....

For the past 2 weeks I hurt my arm and leg.

Both from "trying" to swim...

..really tired now because of the pain that kept me up for the whole night. Groggy. But nvm..my God is always providing healing for me and I believe that even by today..there will be a super speedy recovery!

Still need to learn how to swim and I forsee that I will be discovering mroe muscles in my body..so more cramps and aches and pains will appear soon. Oh well. :) no pain no gain at times

Watched Sachoom on sat..really cool lights lah! red, pink, purple, gold, blue, turquoise!
Nice effects! Also makes me wanna dance..shit...

Sorry if I havn't been blogging much coz I havnt had much to blog abt...
nothing much has been happening in life thats worth updating..

God Bless!

good compere? what is a good compere?

i think even till now..Im battling with this same qn...
what is a good compere?
- one who has the stage presence (he gets people's attention)
- one who knows what he's saying
- one who has a good voice that can command others attention
- confidence in voice tone, projection,
- has an attractive character
- is fast in picking up cues or information
- is has a sense of humour and dares to try new things
- is resourceful enough to have tricks up his sleeve when time is needed

Seems so darn simple buts its so definitely not! inside every criteria..there is a whole web of small criterias needed to fulfill it.
And how to train each student to meet those criterias...

God Bless

Places that I can feel at peace...

Everybody needs a place to feel relaxed and at peace with oneself...I hope you have a place like that.. :)
Anyway..in the light of the busy period...been hoping to get a few days off to get some extra "peace" into my system. I had in mind a few places to go and somehow these places immediately struck a "peaceful chord" in me.
- sentosa beach
- church
- starbucks
- roof top of some high building
- carpark top

:) I guess its good to get away for awhile with yourself...reflect on how your life has been and see if you need to make new resolutions/committements/opinions...afterall you should be living life...not life living you.

God bless

Im sorry if I cant save you at the end of the day...

You know those movies where the guy saves the damsel in distress and they're close to living happily ever after when suddenly the *supposedly dead* villan grabs a weapon from *somewhere* and shoots..thist ime the damsel gets in the line of fire and dies...leaving the hero grieving and feeling guilty that he had brought this girl out from *wherever it is she came from* only to have her die in his arms...

i feel like that now...not the damsel...more of the incidental hero...the one who thought they cud heal the world...only to see things around them not working as well as expected...

im sorry if att he end of the day...I cant save you...maybe Im really not suited to be a super hero...maybe i messed things up so bad..things will ricochet back and hit us all in the head...and as the movie goes...I wud rather it be me down than u..

The emo me was on a rampage for awhile..but im back so no worries yah. God will keep me safe.

Maybe Im too excited...

I've gotten into an excited mood thinking of the possibility of going to Australia to study.

I dnt know if its just me or God's given peace that I would be so positive enough to even start thinking abt how I wud have to live in australia..eg: how to save..what to bring..what to do etc...

I sorta have to remind myself that thigns arent confirmed...

I know I wanna trust God for it. I want to just step forth when it time..try my best..BUT leave the rest to God because its worthless to worry. Im also gonna hold on to this dream with a loose hand..loose enough to let go easily if its not meant to be..but firm enough to hold on if I still can...
If all else works..i might not be in SP in next march..hmm will miss everyone..


God bless

Time flies

Met up w SUlaiman, Shahid and Vanessa recently. ts been such a long while and thanks to God, we always managed to bump into each other once in awhile when I think of them.

Bumped into Shahid and Sulaiman at NAFA and manged to get their contacts.

Anyway...I finally got down to planning a small gathering for hte 4 of us. Simple meal...Popeyes at Toa Payoh Central.

Its really endearing to see the smallest of us 4, Shahid grow up into a charming guy! All of us past our 20yrs.
Its also very awakening!

After dinner we went to watch Toy Story 3. :) By popular demand. I decided that Id watch it again because it was the company and not the show that I valued.

We're hopping to have another gathering in Westlake. Not too late coz we'll get chased off by guards..also..not much place to sit hahaha but Westlake is a place of many memories so why not. :)

Hmmm Yes time flies..but no matter how far it flies...its always good to know that u got a piece of history w u. IE: friends

God bless

Condemnation is a many dangerous thing

I know this is a christina thinking but having seen sooo many students and their different issues with life..I really came to see how poisonous condemnation is...

It can come in small amounts but every pinch of condemnation and guilt added together...makes a big difference..esp since we humans dont forget our guilt easily..it all rools up into a big snowball and while we dont get paralysed 1 fine day..by it...it does result in a gradual increase in lack of self esteem..maybe the loss of friendships..maybe..the loss of self-motivation and gradual lack of confidence in fulfilling our own dreams.

COndemnation is what stops us from thinking better of ourselves..stops our confidence from growing.

You may ask abt over confidence...well my observation has taught me that over confident people are actually people who are insecure..hence lack of confidence.

In reality..over confidence is the lack of confidence that is disgused with fake confidence...or over enthusiasm to show that they are not confident.

Truthfully..I too suffer from this..

And alot of people suffer from lack of confidence from their background history..family issues, school issues, communication problems...etc

I however honestly feel that...the prettiest children....are those who have suffered alot..who are suffereing alot....somehow or rather..they are...

God Bless

Too many things I wanna do...

Okay so I guess Im easily influenced.. but then again....u cant help but think abt how colourful life would be..with those skills.
- Aikido
- Hip Hop Dance
- Sign language Class

And futher studying. Is that too much? Maybe...it sorta means that I wont have time for my friends...and family...

But does this mean I shudnt do it? Maybe I shud do it now before I think abt my age again and panic hahhaha

But to be honest..I know God's blessing will ensure that my body is physically good till a ripe old age. And maybe thats why till now..I still let myself dream of doing more things..Maybe its also got to do with hanging with students more..they keep me young and dreamy? hahaha

Anyway...Im just babbling again...

Sadly my hand hurts now and I dont know why.  Cant press down on it. Hmmm

God Bless

Get ready for a busy week for the next 3wks!!!

Preparing for Robocup now and right after that is Spore Intl Water Festival.

In the midst, got SPARC & Comperes Camp and SP JCC Camp...hmmm

Im gonna believe God for the wisdom and peace and inklings to know what to do. :D
Im also believeing for a good batch of students and batch of XCO for this acad year.

and did I mention? ITS THUR!!! TOM IS FRI!!!

Had dinner 2 nights back with my sis and her bf. :) Somehow I still see a childlike thing in them..the jokes they make..the silly thigns they do and it makes me smile coz Im happy for my sis. Someone to keep her young. :)
Also felt privileged to be with them..something like how you as a kid would always wanna be part of what your older siblings are into. Same but not as clingy. :P

K Im rambling...:)

Also note to self: not to buy so many cds! Time to stop!
I know I wanna train my ear to hear good music..hope it will help with my audio "evaluation kills" hahaha
But money wouldnt let me hahahaha

K shall stop here.

God Bless!!

Yes Im feeling ugly....

Ever done something that u regret..something that showed a side of you that U later felt was despicable? that was rude and mean? Yep...

Because of that..I felt ugly...and i still feel ugly...

I know I pissed u off...gave u a side of me that u would bitch to no end about...and while I did that in a wrong method...I was compelled to do it...compelled with a lack of sense...so I apologize. Im sorry. Its not lying..I really do still love you yah.

I guess its only better that i dnt name names...but you know who you are.  I dnt know if you read this though hahaha

I believe that I also cud have done things to you that I didnt even know I did. And you kept it to urself...I apologize too.


As for you! You who caused me all the headaches..who got me in a state of confusion...who made me lose my cool....I dnt blame you....I am to blame too. I wish there cud be a way to detach you from your irritatingness because Id like u alot better that way...but life isnt fair.
Pity u saw my ugly side...coz thats the last I want to show anyone. Im sorry if I let u down then...
In fact wud have loved for us to be friends...but it seems we will be stuck to being only acquiantances...
And for the good of both of us..that wud be the best :)

Have this urge to do aikido and hip hop dance again. :P anyone wanna join me? I need a partner!!!
Also need Cikgu's help with audio..
The mind will never be too old to learn things!

God Bless!

Love is a many irritating thing...

Finally..after such a long while..back to blogging my june entry.

Funny how I used to do this every week in the past..but now..not really.

Im starting to realize just how fast time flies. my 2nd youngest cousin is a grown up guy studying in US..and my youngest cousin in his last or 2nd yr in Poly.
My best friend's cousins (who were small when she was in poly) are in sec sch or army!
Time truly flies..my grandma's 1 yr death anniversary was last week.

The more I think about it..the more I could feel depressed seeing so many other people getting to places when Im still crawling through life..and I have no one to blame but my slothful self...I guess u can say I should be seeing things from a positive point of view..ie: now that I realize it..time to speed up.
Yes..true.. I will!

Aside from all this...I realize that I have lesser stuff to say these days...Im dry out of words  and things to blog about..coz alot of things have lost their importance in my heart...hmmm

K enuff said...

God Bless

Reflections on Grad C

Im thankful for the bunch of people helping me. Im thankful for the extra lessons I got from Cikgu Wandi...Im thankful for the comperes.

Grad C is actually an event that comperes always did..in my time..we had sooo much problems getting dedications...its comparatively easier. Also..we never had proper sound guys and the luxury of non-radioed music...

As i see my grownup"kids" leave SP...I felt so proud of them..no matter how the sun sapped up all my energy..I cud still jump/hop/skip over to them to take a picture...

I know they dnt all read my blog and thats great..but I guess for those who do..

To my graduates:

A building is only as known as the company of pple who occupy it. Just like a school is only as good as the students that come from it. Just as how a teacher is only as good as the students that he/she teaches.
Because of that, know that you guys (added together) are the ones who give SP it's colour/spots/stripes/hues/tones and character. And because of you guys (added together) I see Sp in a different light..not by its grey and beige buildings and its industrial like chimneys...but by the stripes and hues and tones I speak about.
Even as you graduate and new blood or paint take over...to give SP a new character...know that beneatht he top layer of colour...is always the previous colours..
Theres no way to get rid of hte colours before them.. no matter how u try to scrap them off.
So SP will always have a piece of you with them.
Moving further into that...our bodies are the buildings of our hearts...meaning...because u guys are in my heart...you too make me who I am...and two people who share a bond..will never fail to affect each other.
No matter how many students I will have..You'll still be one of those in my heart. :)
Congratulations.

The other thing I felt at Grad C...was a sorta unhappiness with my comperes. I guess I gotta hand it to Angel for bearing with us. and for picking the right people...meaning..our batch..
We had little problems..we were independent..we were a talent agency...

Now..I only feel sad abt my seniors not taking the mentoring job seriously...or not realizing exactly whaat mentoring entails. Its not about being next to ur juniors and chatting with them..or dancing around tot he music..its also abt being an example to them..giving them pointers on what they shud include in their scripts...
Maybe Im asking too much from them..they're still kids...they dnt realize certain things beyond their noses because they're not the officer in charge...
I know this si something Im arguing with myself about...
Are they mature enough to make things happen? Shud I just step back and watch them stumble?
Some of them asked for info on the stalls..I told them to find it themselves..some of them used other people's scripts..and it turned out horrible.
I know 1 of hte session was so badly planned and rehearsed that the guy stumbled all over the place..Alia got fed up and took over the mic. She apologized later thinking Id be angry. Im not angry abt her taking over hte mic..Im just not happy with them dancing to wondergirls (or whtever the group is) while Im trying to brief them...They lost sight of the issue...

Im glad teh ceremony is over but somehow Im still worried for Comperes. I know Im not supposed to worry for them...I know my maternal instincts are kicking in and looking at my dad...I know where I got the worry-nerve from.

Now everytime I listen to the radio....or the popular songs...I get drawn back into Grad C mood...

Its because of all those that matter to me...that make the songs meaningful.

K gonna stop playing facebook..stop blogging n start sleeping

God Bless

Grad C is over!!!

After all the 4 days..Im prob 4 shades darker... Haiz

Must admit that this Grad C was fun.

Its truly the one time that I can be w my comperes train them..see how the juniors are like etc. Some have potential..some are good..some..not so good..but it means more trainings..

Despite all that and the weather getting into my nerves...I do appreciate the seniors being there to cheer them on...to keep them company and advize them. Even the seniors have much to learn...


Another thanks goes out to the guys who have been helping me with the music. giving me more time to focus on the comperes... Same bunch of guys for the past few SP events...same bunch of nice guys. You respect them..they do the same...most impt thing...be humble......

As usual..Wandi was there to irritate me and it did get to me at first...but I made things quite clear..
Must thank him for giving me the free audio lessons..Dnt know whether I really got it..but Im trying..and I will try not to forget what I learnt..as they all say... practice more..haiz... yes Cikgu..
I guess i shud say that Im blessed to have such people around who are willing to teach..some of them dnt want to. Wats worse.. some of them look like they cud bite ur head off...Yes I am blessed.
I know I made too many mistakes in the 4 days...but i wnt give up...I wont!

Anyway these 4 days have brought me down memory lane too...bad and good memories...sorta made me abit emo...
Ive been trying to get myself out of the emo state since Monday...

Time to sleep...

God Bless!

Last day of Gad Ceremony!!!!

Finally last day. For the past few days, ive been playing catch with rain. Stupid murphy and bored angel combined. Thanks Stephen for bringing BA over lah!

right knee got problem...hair messy and etc...grrr

BUT managed to squeeze some time to celebrate my student's graduation...*check facebook* :D

Specially prepared a board for every grad picture I took. They say a picture speaks a thousand words but a picture with subtitles tells alot more than anything else. FINALLY LAH!

and tonight, I have a bigger celebration!!!! NEETZ's BANGLE CEREMONY!!! Wohooo!

SHE"S GETTING MARRIED THIS SUNDAY!!!!

Ning

Sun and Rain..pros and cons

4 days of Grad Ceremony...IT HAS STARTED!!!!

Ended 2nd day with sore legs...Stupid Ning think she super hero...happy happy bounce back and forth...
the 1st day ended with rain and my shoes and socks were soaked..made my knees and feet ache..spoilt my mood...

Sweet and sour kind of feeling seeing my students graduate...Had a whiteboard with the words
"LIKE FINALLY LA!! www.KnewYouCudDoIt/goodluck/come_back_soon/Missyou.com.sg"
Took photos with everyone of them that i could find.

Anyway..getting tired because of the Sun. Stupid Ning play under the sun untill she sleepy....damn..

Also getting easily irritated with the Comperes. Sorry Guys...
I guess I expected alot more from them that they thought...Is it asking for too much?
Im not pissed k..Im not really very dissappointed either..just that I know more can be done.

Dunno how I can last for the next few days...

God Bless

Sunday Emo

@Jas: yes babe..u will and I will make sure you do but dnt need to start practicing anytime soon. And I miss you too sweets. Come down to grad C rehearsal and some fo the days?
@Sam you too (i have a feeling ur reading this too)

K so anyway.. felling abit emo today...most prob coz it rained..was planning to catch the Arts Fest opening but the rain was an issue.

Since the Guitarists Concert, Yiruma's River Flows In You has been stuck in my head and since its such an emo-able song...I was listening to it today..

Got to catch up w 2 good friends...Yuen Tak and Edwin..different times and we talked abt the past..abt the future etc..and on both instances I sorta felt abit regretful on not using my timme wisely...I cud have learnt soooo much more last time...

Now..everything is abt money and time..both of which I dnt have the luxury of getting in abundance...

Anyway..good news! I finally passed my BSEE1 for sign language..the test I was sooo worried about was still quite okay...but i need to keep practicing if i wanna get past BSEE2...

Anyway...baack to emo-ing..I realized that a person's true emotional state of mind..is reflected at night..when they are the only one left awake int eh house...staring out of the window..at the world outside.
Or maybe its just me coz my house is quite high...hence there is a view to look at...whillle others..might only be able to look out at the carpark. But u get my point...
Anyway..I realize that there is a songlist for my emo-ing self..and most of it is instrumental..
1) Yiruma - River Flows In You
2) Fantaghiro OST
3) Michael Nyman - The Piano OST
4) Caution LUST OST
5) La Valse D' Amelia OST
6) Handel's Sarabande
7) Josh Groban - Per Te/Alejate/Cinema Paradiso/In Her Eyes/Alla Luce Del Sole

Havnt figured out what I wud do for my kids during Grad C...too many to count so I cant do it for all...
Dunno...

K time to sleep...need strength..tomorrow is a new day and things to settle etc...

God Bless

Decided enough was enough...

Grad Ceremony is coming..getting paranoid....

Hopefully this time round..the event wud go smoothly...

Thankfully got sound guys to help so I can focus on comperes. Thanks Wandi, Izzat, Ansari, Rahmat, Emm wats his name..(sya?) &..HELMI!....thanks all for helping with the set up. I know the techrider was wrong and u guys had to shift all the stuff over...and I know u guys got bored waiting for rehearsals...and catering to the sudden changes..incuding my side..Thanks Azwan and the rest also for helping to set up the stuff outside..
Terimah Kasih! I know Id be pissed/Sian too if I had to bring all the load of stuff and not need to use it...
Gonna need your help for the next 1 week..and hope to get some knowledge off you guys...

And looks like I got a new bro out of the entire thing...Sorta got down to telling Wan off for calling me names hahaha Not bad names..but names that are not really appropriate..

I guess there are some names that ud reserve for the best one...And that is what it is to me. And I dont want people to get wrong  ideas so yah. yes hearts are very mallable.
Btw...not that I dnt respect the new bro of mine...just that I cant look at him w a straight face.
Im happy Ive ironed things out and Im glad I can out my foot down and stand by God's promise of His own provision..
And I know where I stand....God is my deciding factor. My past experience has already taught me that.


Dnt get me wrong k. I dnt plan to be a nun...but I plan to use God's love and grace as a benchmark...the best one has to be Christian.

Sorta seems weird saying all this in my blog..esp when 28 is looming around the corner and child games arent popular amonngst my age groups..but this is truly wat i feel.

I believe that He will give me someone who loves Him and has the mental, spiritual, physical and financial capabilities to support me and vice versa.

Last I want now is to get someon who rocks my boat...

God Bless

less than a week before Grad Ceremony starts...

Grad C is coming again...it s a joyous occassion coz my little "children" are old and mature enough to fly off into the working world. Some of them Ive had the joy of working with closely..some..for a short period of time but nonetheless still memorable.

Yet let me reassure you that all the memories are good...

So in the next 2 weeks, I will saying " good luck and see you soon" to a bunch of students with mixed feelings. :)

Coz I'll miss seeing them in school, in the club...miss having meals with them..miss joking with them..

And dnt blame me if I tear...coz I spent my last 3 yrs in your lives and the time I had with you guys wud never be lesser than not being there at all.

I will get myself a small white board for Grad C..to write a msg and take photos with my dear students..

Im sure I know why teachers love their jobs...coz at the end of the day...they know they are alie when  they feel happy/sad to see their "cildren" go.

God Bless

2 weeks of Grad Ceremony...1 month of Robocup....

Wandi and guys moved into SP today to set upt he sound. As expected..the equipment they brought in was more than needed. Poor guys were "dissappointed" for the wasted energy in carrying the load and lack of work available during the event. Understandable...I sorta thinkt hey did a good job dealing with the dissappointment.

I sorta feel its a sad world that girls cant be sound guys..not just because of the title but also coz it takes mus-cels (as Jenny rightly pronounce it) and a whole load of time. Time that girls might not necessary want to lose...

I guess this Grad C will be a good time for me to practice my newly acquired skill...okay mostly theory based...Since my good friend Wandi will be there..I'll grab a few tutorials from him hahahahahahhaa

 Im also excited that my students would learn how to work that sound system...learn how its patcched up etc..althought now that I come to mention abt it...it might be abit too much for them.
 Personally...I know I wanna learn how to EQ...

BTW..I bought myself an IPodTouch. :D *BIG GLITTERING GRIN*
Walked around the BEST for a soild close to 1.5hrs...came back to the same display window 4 times...allt eh times..staring at only 1 thing...the price range of a single IPOD touch...$500 is tough!

I still hate Iphone users BTW hahaha so dnt think Id stop grumbling if ur an Iphone User...hahaha Coz its no end until I get one hahahaI guess now that I have an Itouch, my desire is appeased for now hahahah

Also managed to catch this really cool emcee at Bishan. He does chinese, hokkien, engllish..he sings, etc He's fluent and he's funny and he's smooth! Geez! I couldnt helpp but sms my students abt him and he most definitely got me thinking abt my chinese standard...Hmmpphhh
 1 day!

So here it is..I know what I want to achieve this 2 weeks! (For myself that is...)
- Sign language test
- Sound lessons possibly w EQ

And in the long run...better chinese... try lah Hao Mah?

I also learnt 1 thing abt myself today...I act hero when Im not meant to be one. I act independent when I do need pple to help me. Tsk tsk

All the best for the next 2 weeks!

God Bless

:)

No title because I dnt have an appropriate title.

This week has been tough for me..alot of emotional/self critical moments that made me lose my fightting spirit.

Its funny co every sunday night, I feel the strain of going back to work...not only coz its work..but because I feel like Im leaving the day of peace and back into battle.

Yesterday was Sp Guitarists Concert and despite the problems we had during rehearsals....Im sooo glad that we could make it. Before the event...the bunch of us christians..huddlde outside Audi and just prayed and claimed His love and blessings for us! That made us feel calm!

The concert went well with as little problems as possible and Liyi  & I were sooo proud of them...we were also soooo in love with God for His hand on our concert. Our cues were quite smooth...the club members didnt seem nervous...they tried their very best! I was soo in love with Jesus!

And before I sang the last 2 songs for the concert...I raised my hands and gave praise to God in my heart.
It is of course time to see the new students join the clubs under me. Im also praying for all my clubs that they would get enough good members in their clubs. Esp, Makeup artists, SPARC and Comperes...

More next time!

Time to get ready to go to church!

God Bless!

Fing pissed with self...

Im so pissed that I seriously dont wanna see any of my students now...for fear that Id scream and shout at them for unreasonable reasons....

for teh Fing second time, Im missing sign language and while in the depths of my head, Im blaming allt eh things that I have to do...I know that all this would be done if I was more organised and thats why im even more pissed and even more dissappointed with myself...

I cant help but bang the table and swear at nobody or somebody or myself because I finally brought my heart and deterination down to finish this blasted course and yet ONCE AGAIN I M MISSING THE TEST!!!!

I could so kill satan if he could actually be killed...AARRGHHHHH!!!!!

And the most comical part of it all!!!! ITS SIGN LANGUAGE and wat better way to swear than w hand signs!

............................................................................................................................................

*cooling down*
............................................................................................................................................

Super sian mode......


God Bless Me....

Restful Increase...I claim it!

This year has been good to me. I claim God's goodness!

I know I havnt updated in months..in the blink of an eye, its May...abt 2.5months of not blogging!

Things that have happened so far...my work has been okay. My older students are graduating and once again Im gonna miss them..and miss teh times we had...seeing them grow into adults.

Did abit of things I wanted to do for awhile..dancing..sign language (test this week)...and of course choir.

The junior have now moved up and taken leadership positions..and I honestly have my reservations abt Comperes climbing up the ladder...I honestly feel like Im failing the alumni on this...
But while the new comm assures that I can trust them...I know I have to take this bold step and give them that authority...I soooo hope they can do it. because hte club is gonna be dependent on them.

As for ISC..they've been having their problems but I see them climbing out of it already. Seeing teh ISFO photos..I cant help but smile at their determination and committement to ISC...making sure the event goes smoothly..and at the same time...coming together to be with the new students. proud of them

I sound biased and maybe I am...and I should change that...I know I need to be with my other clubs more.

This year is gonna be my year of Restful Increase and I insist on seeing God to His word that we can rest n Him and throw our worries to Him. This in actual fact requires fighting...its abt as strenuous as running long distance because I really have to psycho myself to keep my eyes to Him...

Music is the only universal language...

Its been soooo long since Ive had the same insatiable thirst for a song that would coz me to utter straight from the heart "this is god sent" Ive found 1!
~Maisha~ by Idan Raichel Project
Its a deep deep sound that sank right into my heart...I soo wanna perform this song ..in swahili..



A song my dear dear brothers love at this moment is 21 Guns by Green Day. BUT its the American Idiot Musical Version. Hear and you will know...



To fully enjoy these 2 songs (in my own opinon)..close the room door, off  the lights, blast the sound system...lie down, close ur eyes and ENJOY!!

Both of these songs speak about humans needing to look further than their own horizons..further than their own issues..to issues that are more heartbreaking than politics/world economy etc...

Yes this i wat has been speaking to me for the past 2 months. Maybe its a task that God wants me to work towards...

BTW..language difference is nvr a barrier from world music. Its an excuse.

:) :) :)

God Bless!

Maybe we're not better than ICS

Went to ICS dance competition a long time back and I remembered feeling relieved that ICS's emcees were not good. (no offence to the club. I do like your dances and etc but emceeing isnt ur forte) I remembered telling Jas that Im glad our emcees are better...

Today I fell flat on my face. Maybe its my fault that i didnt brief them abt event flow. I guess I figured that they would find things out on their own...

Im more dissappointed with myself....not being able to guide them...not knowing when to let go...letting go at the wrong time...
And at hte same time Im frustrated with them...and it sucks coz I dnt want to regret saying what I feel like saying now..knowing that most of what I say wud be unfair..it wud be "angry talk"

Dont know how many times Ive screwed things up so bad and this time..I feel like Ive done my worst... Somehow I feel like Im the one who screwed up the show. I feel like it was my event and Id flopped.

Ian is right...I cant be micromanaging anymore..I cant keep my hand there to keep them afloat... I cant..but...

Yah fine im emoing!!! Yes I know what else you're gonna say after that and all I can say is " Im not ready yet" and yes I can see the eyes rolling

From the likes of it..I dont think i want to be a parent anytime soon...Id pamper the kid too much...Id create a rebel child because that kid would find me too stiffling. He'd be so criticised that he'd hate me and hate my nagging. Id end up passing down the family tradition of petty emotions, "scold before reason", silent treatments etc

I wish I cud say sorry to somebody...but...no matter who I say it to right now...it wont matter...the shows already over.

God, I cast this worry to you...not cause I dont want to care about it anymore...but because you can do so much more than I can. Where I am not..you are. Where I cant help in, you can. Where I dont know how to instruct...you do. I cast them to you because I know so little and you know sooo much.
I cast them to you because theres 1 of me and you are omni-present.
God...I cast it to you because theres not point in me worrying....it wont bring back time..it wont make thigns better.

God Bless