God....you really know how to get me going...

Todays event was great! We had loads of fun and tried to get the crowd going. My junior (poor boy whom I hope I didnt scare) Was good and I guess he and I just cooperated. :) Had a nice meet up w pearly n james we joked and stuff....But there was someone that I didnt expect to see...my ex.
I just bumped into him along the bridge to the CCA block and he was with one of my malay juniors. Well...I wish him well coz I know how close they are..and who knows! She might just like him! I wudnt be surprised! But I think you all wud know by now that the after math of meeting him..caused me quite abit of emotion. I didnt cry... dont worry...Its just that seeing him is like opening a bk that I tried to hide int eh cupboard..or behind my cupboard....Yes...I do love him loads....but I also know that...no matter how much I do...wats gone is gone...its a real pity...but its true...I'll have to swallow and grit and move on. But you know what the irony is? In the previous entry..I did talk abt my ex n my junior and how God is getting me slowly adapted to seeing him again. Lo n Behold, I did see him! God has a way of making things happen! I wasnt ready... I did strike up a conversation w him, I did talk to him abt his grandpa and asked if he was ok...but that was all. I left...I know alot of you wud be asking if I feel extra sad seing him and this girl Not that they were holding hands or wat...but to sayt he truth...I was sad...jealous...maybe...but yeah..wat can I do? wat shud I do? Let it go! Its not a new idea I thought of...its always been in my head...ust that my heart wudnt accept it.
You'd know by now...I use more heart than head to think..abt the same as how alof men use their hearts or Ehmms more than their heads. But after what happened between us...when it comes to relationships or etc..its the head that leads now...Anyway..God, thank you for bringing me this far..thank you for givng me the strength to try...
Btw, also got introed to my bro's malay fren (ie: the one who saw me before Asoka) answer? No.
You know..i rememebr my sista saying that she never liked getting into a relationship w frens because if something bad happens...its hard to be frens again. My boss has proven this theory wrong and tells me abt all the stories of ehr life and I cud just listen to her in awe! because givent eh same circumtances..i can only stay away from the idiots for life! Not that I want too..but coz Id feel too hurt to face them! Like my ex! What hurts me the MOST...is that after allt hat has happened...I have lost my bestest best bro as well! I cant face my bestest best bro anymore! Im ont he verge of losing on of my most valued frens! The me who thought I cud handle any relationship and walk out of it with the clear shrug of a shoulder and a clear utter of "F*(& it!"....is unable to get over this... and I seriously PRAY that none of those I love have to go through the same thing....but they do...

I wish I cud pick upt he phone right now and call my bestest best bro now and talk to him and tell him all I feel...I wish I cud do all that right now! ButI cant...I just cant...

So I can only proclaim that im a hypocrite (ur rite my fren) Im a bloody hypocrite...

God, I have no courage to tell him all this. I have no courage at all to face him alone in person...but i hope he knows that regardless of all....I still treat him as my bestest best bro...I still do!...I hope he knows...

You need to go through the pressing...to become something beautiful...you need to go through the heating to turn into a diamond...right now...Im going through all this..so that in years to come..I can be better...and maybe out there...someone...I'll let God decide...

LOVE